HOLLYWOOD – MCU fans have been given a treat with the surprise announcement a new Letitia Wright Flat Earth movie has been greenlit. In a bold new venture, being funded by Facebook and The Republican Party, the Letitia Wright flat earth film starts filming as soon as Letitia finishes working on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. The Exec caught up with the star to discuss her new project.
Letitia, Tell Us More About This New Project
Quick, draw those blinds. These bungalow windows are far too big. Satellites could be filming us and listening to our every word. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means Bill fucking Gates and his beady little eyes crawling all over us. Ugh. That creepy motherfucker.
Would You Like To Sit Down Rather Than Pacing Around?
No, I can’t sit still. If I do, they’ll get a fix on me and shoot me with their flying nano-bots. You don’t think they get those things into you just by so-called vaccines, do you? They’re fucking everywhere man. Chariots of the gods, you know what I mean? Look, it’s really easy to follow. They can’t just get us all to take the mind-controlling vaccine. Many have, and believe me, they’ll be sorry, those stupid, pandemic-reducing motherfuckers. But they’re trying to get the nano-bots into the rest of us by invisible drones flying around and dropping their mind control shit onto our food and into our drinks without us even noticing.
Are You Feeling Ok?
That’s what my ex-manager said to me just before I fired her. She was blind to the truth. Just like those bastards at Marvel. That’s why I let them let me finish early on Black Panther: Wakanda Forever. Those mask-wearing sheep couldn’t handle the truth.
Are You Going To Tell Us About This Flat Earth Film Or What?
I’m in it, you piece of shit.
Flat Earth: The Movie Starts Shooting Soon
LONDON – News just came in that Batman star Christian Bale is to play British home computing mogul and revolutionary vehicle designer, Clive Sinclair.
Speaking exclusively to the Studio Exec, Christian Bale discussed the appeal of the project:
Clive Sinclair was a true revolutionary. Before Steve Jobs, or Bill Gates, Clive Sinclair brought into millions of homes the personal computer, the ZX81 and the ZX Spectrum. He was a driven man and one that I will be proud to play.
Is it going to rival the Steve Jobs film?
A bit. But that isn’t the reason I’m doing. I’m very much looking forward to seeing what Michael Fassbender can do with the role I ended up turning down. But the key to our film is that we are looking at the latter part of his career when he tried to move into motor vehicles and specifically the Sinclair C5 Car which was a revolutionary way of getting rid of cars altogether. If it hadn’t been for the combined dirty tricks of Ford and other motor car companies then we really could have had that future that we used to read about in comic books. With the backpack helicopters things and the food in pills.
Heat and Last of the Mohicans director Michael Mann will be behind the camera and the screenplay is by Frank Cotrell Boyce. We asked Christian what Michael brought to the project.
I think he’ll add a surprising element of action. Many people today unfairly remember Sinclair as a kind of sad, boring, slightly weird character. But when they see the gunfight in a multi-story car park in Norwich and the C5 chase down the A595 towards Barrow-in-Furness, they’re going to have to do a lot of reassessing.
Sinclair is due to be released in 2018.
HOLLYWOOD – After backing out of Danny Boyle’s Steve Jobs movie, Christian Bale has surprised everyone by signing up for Len Wiseman’s surprise Bill Gates biopic.
Tentatively titled Broken Windows, the script has been written by Judge Dredd scribe Alex Garland and is currently scheduled for a 2016 release.
“A lot of people think they know Bill Gates,” said Garland:
They think he’s the computer geek, the philanthropist or the salesman but few people talk about the years he spent as a CIA assassin in El Salvador.
Bale is currently preparing for the role by only using the Windows 95 operating system until he finishes filming.
“It’s a little frustrating,” said Bale:
I’ll admit that I’ve smashed up a few laptops in the last few weeks. Just the other day I spent two hours trying to send an e-mail and I just snapped. Next thing I know I’m in the back garden pounding my hard drive with a sledgehammer but I have no memory of how I got there. All I can say is that I’m just glad it wasn’t a human being, again.
Bale said he was due to fly out to meet Gates in a couple of days to discuss the role:
Bill is currently in the Peruvian jungle fighting a guerrilla war against against a local drug cartel. They’re going to chopper me right into the action and I can’t wait. I’ve always wanted to kill people… lots and lots and lots of people.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to return some videotapes.
BROKEN WINDOWS IS DUE FOR RELEASE IN 2016.
HOLLYWOOD – Assorted celebrities and do gooders were feeling very pleased with themselves today as news came in that the Ice Bucket Challenge had succeeded in curing a number of previously incurable diseases, eliminating famine and bringing world peace to the benighted regions of the world.
Bill Gates pointed to the results that the #IceBucketChallenge have accrued as answers some critics who claimed it was yet another example of Slacktivism:
I didn’t invent Microsoft by sitting around moaning all day about not having invented Microsoft. No far from it. I had to get up and do it. Likewise people have been going on for years about how terrible cancer, leukaemia and leprosy are but it wasn’t until a bunch of rich people poured buckets of ice water over their heads that all these diseases were finally cured. The same with the Gaza strip. There was a hellish amount of violence going on then Steven Spielberg gives himself the old ice shampoo and whoosh, peace descends.
Robert Downey Jr admitted he was frankly amazed by the efficacy of the viral craze:
Initially I just thought it was going to be a bit of fun. I love having a joke and not taking things to seriously, like acting and what not. But when the incidence of child mortality plummeted and then George Clooney phoned up and told me the Sudan was sorted and all because of me and my little ice bucket.
However, some have admitted there are limits to the powers of the Ice Bucket. Hugh Jackman told the Studio Exec:
It only works if the person doused is adequately famous. Mike Myers has been drenching himself on a daily basis but alas Aids is still with us.
Ice Bucket Challenge: The Motion Picture will be released in 2016.