BILL O’REILLY AND BILL COSBY TO STAR IN DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE

HOLLYWOOD – Disgraced Fox News host Bill O’Reilly and disgraced comedian Bill Cosby are teaming up to star in a remake of Dirty Rotten Scoundrels.

Bill O’Reilly and Bill Cosby are to star in a remake of the iconic Frank Oz comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. The original, a remake of 1964 David Niven and Marlon Brando comedy Bedtime Story, starred Steve Martin and Michael Caine as a pair of con men working the French Riviera. We spoke to the star of the O’Reilly Factor star as he got into character and asked him if the move to film acting was due to his recent controversies regarding sexual harassment:

No. Absolutely not. I get along with Bill. Have done for many years. So we were kicking around the idea of doing something. This has nothing to do with the claims by women about the other stuff.

But Bill Cosby himself…

He has been maligned but again, this is a separate issue and has nothing to do with the film. We wanted to make a light-hearted comedy anyone can enjoy. We have a great script.

Who wrote the script?

Woody Allen.

Well, there you go again.

What?

Nothing.

Furthermore, we have a wonderful director. Roman…

Polanski.

How did you know?

A wild guess. Is there anyone involved in this movie who hasn’t been accused of some sort of sexual abuse?

Finally, the President himself is on board as an Executive Producer.

Abusive Pieces of Shit will be released in 2019.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

AMERICAN CRIME STORY TEAM TO SCRIPT BILL COSBY CASE

HOLLYWOOD – The team responsible for bringing us American Crime Story: The People V OJ Simpson are to script the new trial of Bill Cosby and charges of sexual assault.

In a popular decision all round it was decided yesterday that the American Crime Story will script the new Bill Cosby trial. Court reporter Sam Stanks reported:

As soon as news came through that Cosby was going to have to face the charges, we knew that the American Crime Story team would be coming to cover the trial. Many of us know them from the research they did for Season 1 and the OJ case. So it made sense when the Judge McHugh ordered them to script the trial from the beginning. This will have two main effects. First it will mean that the television series will be as authentic as possible because we’re literally reading from the same script. Plus it will add some great twists and turns to the story.

Although American Crime Story season two looks set to cover Hurricane Katrina and the follow up, the Cosby case could well be the subject of the third season. The case will take place in Montgomery, Pennsylvania and will cover a number of charges that Cosby drugged and then sexually assaulted a number of women.

About this part of the news, no jokes were made.

FURY AS DUKES OF HAZZARD REMAKE TO BE HETEROSEXUAL

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from the news that NBC plan to make a gay centered version of “Hart to Hart”, it was revealed today that “Dukes of Hazzard” would also have its sexuality realigned this time making it into a heterosexual show!

The Dukes of Hazzard has long been praised as a pioneer in its portrayal of genteel Southern hospitality, gay sexuality and inter-cousin relationships.  In its original run from 1979 to 1985, the Bo (Tom Wopat) and Luke Duke (John Schnieder) were husband and husband, who with their cousin Daisy (Catherine Bach), good-naturedly fought the ingrained bigotry of the South as represented by Boss Hogg and his fascist police force, ironically re-appropriating the Confederate flag as an image of their rebellion. The Waylon Jennings theme song ‘Good Ol’ Boys’ was a heartfelt plea for tolerance: ‘Making their way, They only way they know how// Which is a little more, than the law will allow’.

In the new version, Bo and Luke will be brothers and they will concentrate less on loving each other and more on being racist. An insider working on the remake told the Studio Exec:

Everyone was very disappointed with the movie that was made. First of all there was the complete change of the homosexuality and then their was that ass-wipe Johnny Knoxville. I’ve not met one single person who likes that guy. Anyway, when we came to look at the idea of reviving the show we decided that we could perhaps continue with the heterosexuality and move into racism as well. What with the Duke Dynasty fellows and Paula Deen, not to mention our next president Donald Trump, there’s a buck in this racism lark!

However, many fans are furious at the proposed changes. One Dukes of Hazzard blogger, HazzardCountyPop23 wrote:

The sexual frisson was what made the show. Take that away and make them brothers and you might as well set it in Kentucky!

It should also be noted that this new version has nothing to do with the cancelled Bill Cosby show that was planned earlier this year (CLICK HERE for that story).

The Dukes of Hazzard Ride Again will be broadcast next year.

BILL COSBY INCIDENT ON SEINFELD WEBSERIES

HOLLYWOOD – When Bill Cosby was invited on Jerry Seinfeld’s Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee there wasn’t a shade of the controversy that has now surrounded the 78 year old comedian.

The episode was shot two years ago with Bill Cosby and Jerry Seinfeld first driving around in a vintage mini-cooper before stopping for the titular coffee.

Seinfeld told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The format was a natural for Bill. It’s loose, unscripted and plays into his strengths and so the first part of filming went very well indeed, as he told old stories and we just fooled around in my trademark freewheeling manner.

However, things changed dramatically when the comedians stopped for coffee at a local LA coffee shop.

First of all, Bill said go and get a chair by the window and I’ll bring the coffee over, which was strange. He’s an elderly man and it made more sense for me to bring the coffee over. Anyway, he brings over my coffee and we’re chatting some more but the coffee doesn’t taste right. By the way, this is a coffee shop I’ve been going to for years so I know exactly how the cappuccino tastes. So they had an off day, so what? I think. We go back to the car and the damnedest thing, I begin to feel all drowsy. Usually coffee perks me right up. But not that day. It got so I couldn’t even hold my eyes open and it was dangerous driving. I pulled over and Bill offered to loosen my clothing, but then I said something about the cameras. We had to abandon the day’s filming and because the episode was incomplete it never aired.

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee is available free on the web. 

BILL COSBY DUKES OF HAZZARD CROSS-OVER IN DOUBT

HOLLYWOOD – The Dukes of Hazzard reboot starring Bill Cosby has been placed in serious doubt, and might be cancelled before a single episode has been broadcast.

The reboot of Eighties classic Dukes of Hazzard was to star Bill Cosby in the role of Luke Duke. A synopsis published earlier this year reads:

With nostalgia for the 80s at its height, The Dukes of Hazzard is to join forces with the star of The Cosby Show for a new version which will amuse and entertain young and old. Luke Duke (Bill Cosby) returns to the farm an old man but raring to get into high jinx with his brother Bo (John Schneider) and sister Daisy (Catherine Bach). However, Boss Hog (Michael Richards) and Sheriff Roscoe Coltrane (Charlie Sheen) are hell bent on trapping the Duke brothers and sending them to jail. With their hot rod car the General Lee and its trademark Dixieland flag, watch as the Dukes of Hazzard provide roaring fun for all the family.

So far both production company and the studio have been quiet about  exactly why the show has been seemingly shelved.

Veteran television watcher and author of ‘It’s only a Show!’ Marcus Plott told the Studio Exec:

I don’t get it. This show has the makings of a hit. Not only do we have Cosby in the General Lee, we also have the Different Strokes thing going on, what with him being a black fella! There was even going to be a cameo from the Duck Dynasty boys. I do hope that this doesn’t turn out to be a permanent delay.

Bill Cosby’s Dukes of Hazzard will be delayed indefinitely.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

BILL COSBY IN THE PHANTOM ZONE

DEEP SPACE – The Phantom Zone tonight hosts: Bill Cosby.

But how? Well, Bill Cosby is in the news and the Studio Exec is going to extreme lengths to bring you exclusives, you all know that.

And now, with the acquisition of a decommissioned deep space surveillance satellite (Thanks to our North Korean subscribers for the kickstarter!) we can bring you the first ever official footage of celebrities banished to the fabled and terrifying Phantom Zone!

We now have access to incredible footage of forgotten, infamous or out of favour celebrities who have been banished and imprisoned in a floating prism of eternal torment.

Let us know who you would like to see next!

WOODY ALLEN TO DIRECT GAME OF THRONES SPIN OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Film director and comedy clarinet player, Woody Allen has signed up to write a Game of Thrones spin off for Amazon.

The New York based director spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec shortly after penning the deal:

I’m absolutely delighted to have this opportunity. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but cinematically I’ve been treading-water for some time – I mean Midnight in Paris? What a crock! – and I feel I need a real stimulus to get the old juices flowing again.

Great. So what is the show going to be like?

Well, as you know there has been a hell of a lot of great TV about in recent years. And I feel really inspired by what’s out there. Especially by the Scandinavian crime series. I’m talking about the original version of The Killing, Borgen and The Bridge. When I first began thinking seriously about cinema, my main influence was obviously Ingmar Bergman. Well, now I’m going to do TV I want to do something that is dark and traumatic, grief laden, snowy, violent and dark. Did I say dark already?

Yes. But what about the sort of short form comedy that might be more suited to your talents?

Nah. That’s already been done. Look at Louis CK and Larry David. They’ve done more Woody Allen TV than I could ever do. What am I going to do? Walk around New York complaining about the state of my relationships? Girls does that. Why bother going over old ground?

So Scandinavian thrillers it is?

That are dark. And in Swedish. Yeah, but look, I’m not making the mistake I made with Interiors and just make something slavishly similar to my inspiration. No. I want it to be different and I’m a huge fan of Game of Thrones, so I’m going to have some dragons and some full on CGI battles. It’s going to be aces! My idea is this will be what happens beyond the Wall.

That sounds like a mishmash.

Thank you. I’ve mapped out my story. In the small snow bound Wildling township of Bergan north of the Wall, there has been a series of horrible ritual murders. Two cops from the Black Watch are investigating. Peter Dinklage is going to star as the Imp. He’s gone to the black watch after killing his dad. I suppose I should’ve said spoiler or something. Oh, and I’ve got the idea Bill Cosby could play the older cop, but he hasn’t got back to me, so that’s one’s on hold for the time being. Strange Bill’s usually very punctilious about such things.

He might be busy.

Figures. He’s still got it. Oh and there’s going to be a vile matriarch, the leader of the White Walkers called something like Pia Barrow, or Ria Sparrow. Something like that. I haven’t quite thought that one through.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Scandinavian Dragon Murders, but Were Too Afraid to Ask will be shown on Amazon sometime in 2016.

 

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!