COCOON REBOOT RON HOWARD DIRECTING

HOLLYWOOD – With the announcement there will be a Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard has confirmed he can no longer be bothered with new ideas for films. The Exec caught up with Hollywood’s go to director to discuss his return to the Cocoon Reboot Ron Howard franchise.

 


What gave you the idea for a Cocoon reboot?

Is it really an idea or is it just financial capitulation? I mean, who the fuck can bothered with coming up with new ideas that nobody gives a shit about? The way I see it, I could either make a new film and collaborate with new writers. I could discover a new story that excites me. Engage with new and upcoming actors who can brings fresh and young ideas to the art form.

 

That sounds exciting.

Hang on, I didn’t finish. I could do all that. Or, I could just churn out another rehashed idea from one of my so-called ‘80s classics’. I could throw Tom Hanks in as the lead, because we can do this shit with our eyes closed now. Boom, we make a few mill at the box office. Or easier still, we get those suckers at Netflix or Prime to cough up the dough. We don’t even have to bother doing press tours then.

 

Forgive me for saying, but isn’t that a rather jaded attitude?

I couldn’t give a shit if it is. I’m a multi-millionaire film maker that still wears baseball caps indoors. Do I look like I care? Anyway, Tom Hanks plays some rich old fucker who one day discovers these Cocoons in his pool. He gets in the pool and then BAM! He’s doing cartwheels or some shit like that. We’ll get him to run up and down a giant keyboard that lights up.

 

Isn’t that from Big?

Oh yeah, that’s where it comes from. Fuck it, we’ll say it’s a fun homage. He then becomes involved with a secret, mask-wearing sex cult as he goes through a crisis of confidence in his own marriage.

 

That’s just ripping off Eyes Wide Shut. Surely?

HOMAGE! HOMAGE, HOMAGE, HOMAGE!


The Cocoon reboot starts filming next month.

SCRIPT LEAK:BIG 2


Int: LA Courthouse

Susan Lawrence (Elizabeth Perkins) is consulting her defence lawyer. Opposite sits a young Josh Barkin with his parents. The prosecuting lawyer is talking to the jury.

Prosecutor

Ladies and gentleman of the jury. Susan Lawrence has spent a lot of time and a lot of money trying to convince you that she never had sexual relations with 12 year old Josh Barkin. She claims, in contrary to all the known laws of physics, that when she stole this young boy’s innocence, he was in fact a 30 year old man who had miraculously aged after making a wish on a fortune telling arcade attraction called ‘The Zoltar machine’. Susan Lawrence is a liar ladies and gentlemen, a liar and a pederast and through trickery and deceit she convinced this poor boy that her lies were real. She systematically brainwashed him into believing that he had magically changed into a mature adult in order to lure him into her bed. Josh will be in therapy for the rest of his natural life. The emotional scars he bares may never heal and putting Susan Lawrence behind bars will not aid Josh’s recovery, but it will ensure that this dangerous and despicable woman will no longer be a threat to our nation’s children. The prosecution rests your honour.

Judge

This seems to be fairly open and shut case. Has the Jury reached a verdict?

Head Juror

Yes your honor. We find the defendant guilty of all charges.

Judge

As I suspected. Okay, fine. Susan Lawrence I sentence you to 99 years without parole.

Susan

NOOOOOOOO!

Josh

I LOVE YOU SUSAN!. I’LL COME AND VISIT YOU WHEN I’M OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE!

Judge

The poor boy’s lost his mind. Take her away

FIN