Tag: beyonce

BLUES BROTHERS 3: JACK BLACK AND BEN STILLER HIT THE ROAD

HOLLYWOOD – Jack Black and Ben Stiller are putting on the suits, the hats and the sunglasses to play one of the most iconic pairings in movie comedy ever formed: The Blues Brothers 3.

Following a lackluster sequel in 1999 – Blues Brothers 2000 – starring Dan Aykroyd and John Goodman, this time around the comedy genius of a new generation is going to be applied to the story of Jake and Elwood Blues. Studio Exec’s recent columnist Jack Black spoke exclusively to the site:

It’s so exciting, because I don’t know if you know this, but I really dig my music – what with Tenacious D and all. So here I will be doing comedy and music together.

Are you at all nervous about following John Belushi’s lead?

Oh no. Listen, I’m not playing Jake. I’m playing Elwood. Ben Stiller is going to play Jake.

Oh, right.

Yeah. This is how we’re going to mix it up. You see everyone will think I’ll be playing Jake because I’m you know a little heavy. But when we appear on screen and the audience realize I’m actually playing Elwood… They’re going to have a heart attack they’ll be laughing so hard.  

What songs are you going to be singing?

Time has passed and Blues is no longer carrying the cultural cachet it once did. So we’re going to be more into Rn’B: Whitney Houston, Gloria Estafan, we’re hoping to get Rihanna and Beyoncé on board as well.

That sounds…

Keeping it real.

The Blues Brothers 3: Gettin’ Funky Witcha will be released in 2017.

BECKY WITH THE GOOD HAIR IS CARLY FIORINA

HOLLYWOOD – Carly Fiorina admits that she is the ‘Becky with the good hair’ referenced in Beyonce’s new album Lemonade.

Following the release of Beyonce’s video album Lemonade speculation has been rife as to the identity of ‘Becky with the good hair’ referenced on one of the tracks. Many in the Beyhive believed that the song was a snipe at ‘Shake It Off’ diva Taylor Swift but it has been revealed that Ted Cruz’s vice-presidential pick Carly Fiorina is actually the target.

None other than Carly Fiorina herself made the revelation EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

I was very good friends with Beyonce for a long time following my experience at Hewlett Packard where I became famous for firing people with a real panache. We would hang around a lot in the nightclubs after hours and Jay Z would sometimes come round and he would always say ‘wow Becky what great hair you have’, and I’d say, ‘but my name isn’t Becky’ and he would get flustered because he’d see that Beyonce had heard everything so he would make up a lame excuse like ‘No, I was talking to Becky, the waitress. She has really nice hair’. She did have really nice hair as it happened and her name was Becky and I think her and Jay Z had a thing later on, but Beyonce knew that he was really talking to me and the last I saw of the two of them they were heading into an elevator with Beyonce’s sister. She never called again after that.

Beyonce has not commented on the rumors, but Carly Fiorina has declared that Becky with the good hair will soon be the Vice President of the United States of America.

More on this story as it comes in.

PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW: REVIEW

SUPER BOWL HALFTIME SHOW: REVIEW – As the dust settles on the Super Bowl 50 and the winners The Celine Dion Denver Broncos celebrate and the losers The Chicago 5-0 Panthers tearfully dream of what could have been, the Studio Exec turns his attention to the much hyped HalfTime Show, starring Beyonce, Bruno Mars and Coldplay.

Was it a Home Run or did it fail to go in the hoop? Find out with this comprehensive blow by blow review:

I didn’t watch it.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

KANYE WEST TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Kanye West is to take over from Chris Rock and host the 88th Academy Awards, AKA The Oscars on the 28th of February.

Kanye West announced that he would be replacing Chris Rock as the Oscars host last night. He told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that his decision to step in came as a response to the Oscars So White controversy.

There comes a time in a man’s life that he cannot just stand by on the other side of the street. When you see oppression, when you see a brother or sister beaten by the cops, when you see hunger and deprivation, when you see Taylor Swift pick up a VMA, you just gotta step in, or be less than what you think you are.

So the Academy hired you as a way of…

The Academy didn’t hire me. They wouldn’t hire someone like me. I’m a maverick, a visionary and potentially a Presidential candidate, but first I want to see how Donald does. Heh heh. Donald does? Sounds a bit like Donald Duck, don’t it?

And why did Chris Rock decide to step down? He looked like he was nailed on to host.

Will you get the story straight SE? Chris Rock hasn’t stepped down and likely won’t. I, Kanye West, father of the compass children, husband of the Kardashian who could, rapper of every album getting progressively crapper, am stepping up. I’m going to get on the stage of the Dolby and grab that microphone. Best Actress: Beyonce! Best Actor: Kanye West. Best Director: Spike Lee! Best Picture: Runaway.

Those aren’t the nominees.

Do I look like I give a God Damn? You don’t nominate Kanye, Kanye nominates you! Hashtag gonna be Oscars So Kanye!

The Academy Awards will be held at the Dolby Theater on 28th of February, 2016. Image by @SoundIsStyle.

WERNER HERZOG’S BEYONCE DOCUMENTARY BANNED IN POLAND

WARSAW – The new Werner Herzog documentary charting a year in the life of pop diva Beyoncé – and entitled Bouncy Beyoncé – will not be shown in the central European country of Poland, because authorities have declared it ‘non-existent’. 

Werner Herzog said that he was disappointed but not at all surprised.

The Poles have always had a certain degree of intolerance when it comes to esoteric Austrian filmmakers such as me charting the lives of pop royalty. It is not the first time I’ve run into trouble with the powers that be and I’m sure it won’t be the last. My documentary on Sheena Easton was stopped at the border in 1984 and the negatives burnt. Unfortunately they were the only copy of the film we had which means that today the film has become one of those legendary lost films.

However, Bogdan Ztrojewski – the Minister for Culture and Arts – angrily denied Herzog’s version of events. 

We have never heard of this Bounce Beyoncé ; we have never seen this Bounce Beyoncé. Personally I would be delighted to see a year in the life of Beyoncé Knowles by the talented if eccentric director of Fitzcarraldo and Rescue Dawn. However, this is not the first time that Mr. Herzog has claimed that we have suppressed a hagiographic film  about a glamorous female vocalist. In 1984 he claimed that we had burnt a film about Sheena Easton! As if we would do such a thing! I mean, For Your Eyes Only was the best song to come out of the Bond franchise bar none. Frankly, I’m baffled by this behavior.

Fortunately, Bouncy Beyoncé will be released throughout the rest of Europe and North America in 2016.

KANYE WEST TO CO-HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – Rapper Kanye West is going to co-host the 87th Motion Picture Academy Awards, or Oscars as they prefer to be known.

Following the shock replacement of Neil Patrick Harris with the Beastmaster  earlier this week comes the news that the Beastmaster will be joined by a musical co-host, Kanye West. The Beastmaster spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec and had this to say:

We knew that Kanye was coming to the Oscars and we also know that he has a tendency to get up on the stage and dispute certain decisions. We were worrying about a way of avoiding a similar incident when I realized wait a second let’s just run with this.

So you’re going to do what?

We’re going to give Kanye a fifteen second rebuttal after every award is declared. So if Michael Keaton wins best actor he can rap something like ‘You may be the Birdman, but compared to Beyoncé, you’re the turd man!’ Or if Selma wins Best Picture, Kanye might rap ‘Martin Luther King Jr: you’re a joke! Beyoncé has done more for the black folk’.

Wow! You’re quite good at rapping.

Yeah, it’s one of my powers. That and talking to the animals. I’m a cross between Eminem, Conan the Barbarian and Doctor Doolittle.

I can’t wait for the Oscars.

Neither can I.

 The Oscars are Sunday-ish.

LIAM NEESON TO STAR IN BATTLING TOPS

HOLLYWOOD – Liam Neeson confirmed today that he will be starring in Peter Berg’s forthcoming Battling Tops based on the popular skill game.

Liam Neeson told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY that he was excited at the prospect of teaming up once more with the creative geniuses who brought us Battleship:

For sure, the lads have got a great concept going. What you do is take one of them there games you remember playing with your cousins at Christmas while the adults got sauced, and you turn it into a movie. It’s fantastic. Special effects galore and it’ll make sacks of money. It is literally child’s play.

What’s the story?

Oh lord knows. I mean there isn’t a story as such but I can probably guess. There’s an alien invasion and our last line of defense are these weird spinning vehicles which have to fight it out with the aliens and their weird spinning vehicles. There’ll be a young guy played by Chris Pine or Chris Pratt, one of those Chrises. I’ll be the old sea dog type who they bring in and I’ll die near the end. I’ll have a smoking hot daughter who is probably Beyonce or one those warblers. Money meet Mr. Neeson’s bank account.

Can you see future collaborations of this nature?

Oh yes, we’ve got a whole series of ideas mapped out which I hope to be announcing in due time. Listen, I know I get a lot of flak for basically wasting my time on what is essentially crap, but if I can earn the big bucks on this sort of fluff then it gives me the time to choose more artistically valid projects down the line.

Such as?

Taken 4!

Battling Tops will be released in 2016.

SCIENTISTS CONFIRM TAYLOR SWIFT FINDINGS

MASSACHUSETTS – Scientist at MIT have confirmed that the hypotheses forwarded by Ms. Taylor Swift in her song Shake It Off are confirmed by empirical evidence as well as under laboratory conditions.

Dr. Habbley Athernot told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We first heard the song like many others as just another pleasant tune from the toothsome songstress and multi-award winning artist. However, it occurred to some of us that some of her ideas might be testable and more importantly we could get both media coverage and a grant.

So what did you do?

Well, some of the experiments were carried out through mass observation in the field but others involved controlled experiments that we could perform in the laboratory. Following a combination of the two which logged over three hundred hours in the field and a little over a thousand carefully chosen test subjects we were able to pronounce with a 87% chance of certainty that Ms. Swift was 100% accurate.

How so?

Of all the haters we looked at, and we contacted about 700 we found that 100% admitted hating something and therefore haters are going to hate, hate, hate, hate, hate. Likewise anyone who self-identified as a player (we interviewed about 500 of these) also confirmed to having played a game, or having played life metaphorically as if it was a game, so players are similarly going to play, play, play, play, play. Fakers are famously difficult to study, but using control groups and blind experiments along with industrial quantities of  sodium thiopental, more commonly known as sodium pentothal, we found they would indeed fake fake fake fake fake. We came across some difficulty when we tried to understand the mechanism by which we can access whether heart-breakers are going to break, but we are willing to go with Ms. Swift because she was also accurate about another matter: the number of times haters hate, players play and heart-breakers break. Specifically, five.

And what about the solution of ‘shaking it off’?

At this point, that’s what I would call an testable hypothesis, but it wouldn’t be beyond reason to think that at some point in the future we might have the technology to actually measure the efficacy of shaking it off, which I’m presuming is masturbation.

However, despite the findings of MIT, a rival group of scientists at Princeton have posited that Kanye West was actually correct in his contention that Beyoncé and not Taylor Swift should have won the best video at the VMAs in 2009. ‘We’ve proved it with numbers,’ said the head of the research group. ‘MIT can go suck it.’

For more  music news CLICK HERE.

BEYONCE AND JAY Z FACEBOOK MEMES: THE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD –  20th Century Fox have green lit a movie which will comprise of every sh*tty Facebook Beyonce and Jay Z lifestyle meme put together in a montage.

Director David Lynch is keen to oversee the project and had this to say:

I’ve been meditating on this for a long time. How do I challenge the weirdness of Wild at Heart; the deviance of Blue Velvet; the grotesqueness of Eraserhead? Then I saw these memes and I realized this film has just made itself.

So it’s a kind of commentary on … society?

If you like. At first I intended to juxtapose these images with pictures of poverty, the rape of the environment and subtly point towards a theme of how capitalism is going to kill us all. But then I thought f@ck it! What’s the point? We’re all going to die anyway.

Where do these memes come from David? Who does this?

There are no answers, only the bleak certainty of oblivion. Look into Ryan Seacrest’s eyes. You see a void. That void gives me peace now. All is death and silence. Dust, death. Life is an illusion. Love is a dream.

Hold me.

I can’t.

The Beyonce and Jay-Z Shiity Facebook Meme Movie will be released in October, 2016.

BEYONCE ADMITS TO MONEY ADDICTION












HOLLYWOOD – Pop superstar Beyonce Knowles has cancelled her upcoming shows after admitting she is addicted to money.


“I just can’t get enough of the stuff” said a tearful Knowles.

“At first I was just squandering it on cars, houses and jewelry like everybody else but no matter how much I spent, I wanted more!”

Knowles confessed that her addiction to currency has become so savage that she has taken to eating $100 bills.

“I started out deep frying the dollars but I was consuming so many it was affecting my weight. So around two months ago I began eating them raw but it got out of control. Last week I had a three day binge and scoffed 1.5 million. It was then I realized I had a serious problem.”

Beyonce is now being treated by celebrity councilor Hester Panda who is the world’s foremost expert in cash addiction.

“It’s becoming a common problem” said an authoritative Panda.

“I first came across this phenomenon back in 1979 when Francis Ford Coppola visited me at my clinic claiming he’d eaten 3.8 Billion Cambodian Riel. Since then year after year I have acquired more and more clients.”

Panda admits that although she manages to cure some stars of their addiction. The majority are beyond help.

“I encourage them to carry credit cards, open Swiss bank accounts or do all of their shopping online. Basically anything which means they have no direct contact with hard cash but many of them fall off the wagon. Only last week Charlize Theron was arrested in London for trying to chew pound coins out of the back of supermarket trolleys. It was kept out of the papers of course. These things always are…”