ROME – Former Italian Prime Minister and pocket sized sleaze-gland Silvio Berlusconi is due to make his feature film debut in a remake of the Richard Gere/Julia Roberts classic Pretty Woman.
The new film will feature the ex-Prime Minister falling for the hooker with the heart of gold, a subject he has called ‘semi-autobiographical’. However, Silvio has demanded some changes to the original. Speaking to Italian Cultural magazine Che Schiffo! the cruise ship singer turned media mogul turned politician had this to say:

Julia Roberts was very pretty in the original, but she was also quite old. She was what 22-23. Basically she was middle aged and ready to apply for her free bus pass. Instead, a young virile man like me has a need for a young girl. A young innocent girl with all the purity of youth and really big tits.

Pretty Little Girl is due to be released in 2015.


MILAN – Media Tycoon and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has put his hat in the ring to become the new Pope.
Although it looks unlikely that the man who makes Caligula look like a blushing celibate will ever achieve a majority in the Papal conclave, supporters are welcoming his candidacy. ‘At last a we would have a Pope who understands the true meaning of Catholicism,’ said Fabio Brandalise. ‘That is doing whatever the hell you want and then being forgiven on Sunday, or the next elections.’

It now appears that the transfer of Mario Balotelli from Manchester City to AC Milan – a football club owned by Mr. Berlusconi – may have been a way of making him seem holier.
Cardinal Bergnassi however said that a Pope Silvio would be a disaster for the church:

First there’s Movie 43, then Argo wins also those awards and now Berlusconi for Pope? Jesus Christ, it’s like God doesn’t even want us to believe in him any more.   

Berlusconi also owns several film studios and distribution companies which makes this news entirely relevant to a film site such as ours, so there. Before you even start.

Berlusconi’s new film Pretty Little Girl is due for release in 2015.