BEN STILLER SIGNS ON FOR CALL OF CTHULHU

HOLLYWOOD – Following the horror of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced that his next film will be an intentional horror: an adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s Call of Cthulhu.

The Meet the Fockers star has been a long-time Lovecraft aficionado and spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about his new project:

Not since Tropic Thunder have I been so utterly psyched by a project. H.P. Lovecraft’s stories have freaked me out ever since I read them as a child and I have dreamed of bringing his weird and archaic visions of obsidian horror of the Old Ones to the big screen.

Many have tried and failed.

Indeed. Roger Corman had a crack at it but his versions were more an extension of his Edgar Allen Poe adaptations. And then Brian Yuzna had a crack, but he was again like he was actually using Lovecraft to explore his own weird sex stuff and blackly comic sensibility. And most recently Guillermo Del Toro has been battling to get the Mountains of Madness onto the screen.

So what is going to help you succeed?

With Walter Mitty and Tropic Thunder, although those films are nominally comedies, I really got into terrifying darkness of otherworldly strangeness. There were angles that seem unworldly and an eldritch stench and scratching that arose also from a knowledge of what it is like to be close to Ricky Gervais. In fact Ricky Gervais and Owen Wilson are both in the film, but they reveal depths to their own gnawing fear that has hitherto been suspected but never witnessed by human minds, at least not ones that haven’t been driven stark raving mad and now confined in the mossy depths of the Arkham Asylum.

The Call of Cthulhu will be released in 2016.

NATIONS UNITE TO REMEMBER TROPIC THUNDER

HOLLYWOOD – Today, countries from across the world joined in a minute’s silence to remember the release six years ago of Ben Stiller’s ‘comedy’ Tropic Thunder.

Heads bowed, an eerie silence fell over cities all over the world and even the sound of the traffic died down, as drivers pulled over to the side of the road, some taking the moment to say a short prayer. President Obama led the White House staff in a moment of remembrance in the Rose Garden and told the assembled press that:

This kind of thing, in our day and age, in the memory of our own lifetimes, seems almost impossible to conceive. That so many lives were blighted, so many hopes extinguished, so much pain caused should be a motive for all civilized nations to look at this moment in history, come together and learn some hard lessons so that it will never happen again.

In a rare moment of conciliation, silence was heard in Ukraine and across the Gaza Strip. In Buckingham Palace flags were lowered and across Paris the sipping of wine and the smoking of Gauloises cigarettes was halted for a brief moment.

The last surviving veterans of Tropic Thunder – Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr and Ben Stiller – chose to attend a private ceremony in which a copy of the film was set on fire and a wreath was placed on the site of the first screening of the film. A spokesperson for Stiller read a prepared statement from the actor:

We only wanted to make people laugh with a series of jokes that were supposed to be funny, but something went terribly, terribly wrong.

Meanwhile some survivors groups have criticized the ‘institutionalization of  Tropic Thunder’, claiming that by concentrating so much on one particular event, many other atrocities go unnoticed by the media.

Jenny Billet from Survivors Against Thunder told Studio Exec:

Although it is only right that the media should constantly remind us of Tropic Thunder, that was by no means the only Ben Stiller film to spread horror throughout the world. In the hullabaloo of today it is easy to forget that he was also responsible for The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. And if anything Tower Heist was even worse than Tropic Thunder.

However, today is not a day of arguments, or dissent. Today is a day of remembrance, grieving and reconciliation. Today is a day that we are united in the mission to make sure something like Tropic Thunder will never happen again.

Tropic Thunder 2: Monsoon in the Rangoon will be released in 2015.

ZAC EFRON TO STAR AS YOUNG DIRTY HARRY

HOLLYWOOD – Following his success in broad Frat boy comedy Neighbors, Zac Efron is moving on to a more serious role, Harry Callaghan in a long awaited prequel to the Dirty Harry franchise first made iconic by Clint Eastwood.

Fresh from his moderate success with Jersey Boys, Eastwood will be taking a turn behind the camera and spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the film:

During the first film which I starred in and Don Seigel directed in 1971, there was this joke that came up about Harry’s nickname. Why does everyone call you Dirty Harry? And he offers various reasons but we never really get the reason. That was the seed of this film, answering that question.

High School Musical and Parkland star, Efron said he was ‘very excited about the role’:

I’m playing Harry as he enters the police force. He’s just married and he is very idealistic. He’s a radical in some respects and has no time for the Vietnam War for instance. In some ways I pictured the film when I read the script as a reverse version of Serpico.

With a script by Seth Rogen and Ben Stiller, the new Dirty Harry film looks like the beginning of a new saga. ‘We’re hoping for at least a trilogy,’ said Efron.

Clean Harry will be released in 2015. 

SEAN PENN: ‘I MAY NEVER ACT AGAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Sean Penn shocked reporters today when he admitted that he might never act again after what he called ‘a career best performance’ in 2013’s The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

‘I’ve worked with some of the best in the industry,’ Penn said.

Clint Eastwood, Terrence Malick, hell I was even married to Madonna for a time back there. But even so there comes a time when one thinks, now I’ve reached my zenith. I can’t go any farther and as an actor, for me, that happened under the tutelage of Mr. Ben Stiller. I mean, he made Tim Robbins look like Gus Van Sant.

What does that mean?

I don’t know.

And yet the film was not a particularly big critical hit.

No. The critics were a bit mixed, but that happens with the greatest work. All you need to do is look back and read some of the criticism Shanghai Surprise got. And now that film is number 6 in the AFI’s top 100 list.

Is it?

No. But still… It’s in there somewhere. Don’t worry. I’m still going to direct. I just don’t think I’ll ever come close to touching that kind of human truth again.

Mr. Penn is currently prepping his next directorial effort The Last Space which will star Charlize Theron and Adèle Exarchopoulos, last seen in Blue is the Warmest Color.

THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY 2

HOLLYWOOD – After the enormous critical and commercial success of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, Ben Stiller has announced the preproduction of a sequel entitled The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years.

Ben Stiller spoke exclusively to the Studio Exec:

The last Walter Mitty was possibly the best thing I’ve ever done and so when people said can you make another one, I was like, woah! Wait a second. I better have a Cinnabun and think about it. How could I maintain the integrity of the original, the integrity that one only finds wearing my GAP chinos and drinking a bottle of Budweiser? I mean it’s not just something to make money so I can buy a new iPad. Though those iPads are great, aren’t they?

So what decided you?

I got the idea that he worked for Facebook and everything he did related to Walter’s Facebook page and that ten year movie. I spoke to Mark Zuckerberg, though it wasn’t really a conversation.

What do you mean?

Zuckerberg had an assistant cover my naked body in honey and then they all threw balls of ten dollar notes at me. 

Wow!

Yeah. And I was on a bouncy castle I suppose you’d call it, and there was all this money. They had this like wind machine and they blew money at me while I bounced and wept. They did that for three days. And that’s how we’re funding the movie. But don’t worry there were plenty of nutritious Pop Tarts to eat later. Mmmmmmm. 

The Secret Life of Walter Mitty 2: The Facebook Years will be released in 2015.

ROBERT DE NIRO TAKEN INTO PROTECTIVE CUSTODY

NEW YORK – Taxi Driver and Deer Hunter actor Robert de Niro was arrested yesterday afternoon by NYPD police and is being held at an undisclosed location in what is being termed ‘protective custody’.

The arrest was made following a viewing of Luc Besson’s new film The Family in which Mr. De Niro once more tries his hand at ‘comedy’. A police spokesperson said:

We at the NYPD have been keen fans of Mr. De Niro ever since Mean Streets. His work over the years has accrued a diversity of roles but always with a seriousness and artistry that even today makes us collectively gasp. One only need think of Jake La Motta, Travis Bickle, Noodles, the young Don Corleone, or Louis Cypher in Angel Heart. He’s worked with some of the finest directors in the business: Cimino, Bertolucci, Kazan, Gilliam and of course Martin Scorsese.

 The spokesperson drew a breath in pain:

And so it is with great heartache that we have watched Mr. De Niro tread upon his former glory and we have been keeping an eye especially on Mr. Ben Stiller in this regard. After all the rubbish he has done recently, culminating in The Family, we have decided it will be better if Mr. De Niro is confined. Unfortunately, there’s nothing we can do about Grudge Match.

Police sources have hinted that the house arrest need not be permanent ‘should Marty Scorsese find a script they could do together’.

WALTER MITTY TO FILM THE SECRET LIFE OF BEN STILLER

HOLLYWOOD – Multi-hyphenate fictional character Walter Mitty is to star in, write and direct a new film based on the James Thurber short story The Secret Life of Ben Stiller

Mitty describes the film as a passion project although over the years other directors such Steven Spielberg and Ron Howard have been associated with the script.  Ben Stiller (Walter Mitty) is a comedian who dreams of being much funnier than he is and escapes into a fantasy universe where he is considered a comic genius.  
Mitty talked to Studio Exec exclusively:  

For me it’s very personal. Ben Stiller’s story is a universal one that any sad loser can appreciate. It is the story of someone who used to be funny increasingly trapped by his own delusions of mediocrity into producing a steady stream of formulaic star-studded bullshit like Night at the Museum and Meet the Parents.

The Secret Life of Ben Stiller is due out in December, 2013. 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ROBERT DE NIRO (PART ONE)

NEW YORK – Robert De Niro is 70 years old today. But how much do you know about him? That’s right! Nothing.

You know nothing. NOTHING! So sit down, shut up, and let the Studio Exec fill your void of a brain with FACTS.

1. Robert De Niro is Australian.

2. De Niro’s favorite director is Martin Scorsese, but due to emotional scenes during the making of Casino, Scorsese and De Niro decide to start seeing other people. Scorsese soon replaced De Niro with Leonardo Di Caprio, but De Niro like a floundering child has found himself passed from one abusive foster home to another. Jay Roach, Justin Zachman and Jon Avnet have been the unworthy recipients of Mr. De Niro’s time. 

3. De Niro’s meticulous preparation and devotion to the authenticity of the role is now legendary. During the making of Cape Fear he beat a woman to death just to see how it felt, and during the making of Meet the Parents he watched all of Ben Stiller’s previous films so he could feel the appropriate amount of hatred for Ben Stiller’s character. 

4. Robert De Niro has won seventeen Oscars. But all of them were for set design, a little known part of his talent.

5. Whenever De Niro was called on to play a real life character – such as Jake La Motta in Raging Bull – he would chop off the finger of the real person and ingest it as part of his preparation.   

Happy Birthday Mr. De Niro will air on HBO at 11 EST. 

VINCE VAUGHN RETIRES

LAS VEGAS – Vince Vaughn has retired from ‘acting’, effective immediately. 

In a personal statement released by his agent Uncle Bobby, Vaughn said:

I’m sick of it. I’ve not been interested since Swingers, which was money you have to admit, but Christ since then it’s been one horrific atrocity after another. 
Vaughn cited his final decision to have been motivated by his friend and colleague Owen Wilson:

I noticed that while we were making that Internship pile of shit that Owen was becoming just like me, an unfunny chubby lump of jizzy testosterone with no comic timing or brain sense remaining. Owen used to be hilarious but he hasn’t made a truly funny film since Behind Enemy Lines. And it’s my influence. It happened to Ben Stiller after Dodgeball. I can’t do this to my friends. I can’t drag them down with me. 

Vaughn’s resignation was greet with almost universal celebration, with the exception of Jack Black who said: ‘I think Vince is hilarious.’ 

The Business Trip released in 2014 will be his last film. 

OFFICIAL: ROBIN WILLIAMS EX-FUNNY

WHICH FUNNY MAN MAKES THE LEAST FUNNY FILMS?

The people have spoken. The State of the Union stands thusly. Robin Williams is the funny man who makes the least funny films. Of course it is fair to say that aside from the occasional hilarious exception – One Hour Photo – Williams films have also included the occasional straight role: Mrs Doubtfire for instance, which attempted to plumb the depth of a psychopathic mind.
Of the other contestants, Jack Black and Ben Stiller benefited from the confusion many felt that by saying he made unfunny film they would be endorsing the view that he was a funny man in the first place. On the phone today when given the results, I’m sorry to say that Robin wept like a man destroyed and said: ‘This is the last straw.’

ZOOLANDER 2 CONFIRMED AS MALICK’S NEXT PROJECT



HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller has revealed that Terrence Malick has signed up to write and direct the long awaited sequel to the fashion comedy Zoolander.
We originally hired David Lynch but the script he turned in was just too bizarre,” said an uncomfortable looking Stiller.


“His idea was to set it in the future and have Hansel and Derek enter into a love triangle with the disembodied head of Laura Dern, which is being controlled by the reanimated corpse of Dennis Hopper. We thought that would work but a couple of scenes in, he completely lost the plot. Singing bananas, spider monkeys on helium and a sex scene between Kristen Stewart and the Stay Puff Marshmallow man. I said ‘David. What about the fashion?’ and he turned around, cackled, then disappeared in a puff of green smoke.”

Stiller was left with no option but to track down Malick who – he discovered – was living in a secret bunker somewhere in the Arizona desert.

“Terry has quite the arsenal down there. Bazookas, M16s, a couple of suitcase nukes. He told me he had recently been dabbling in genetics with the aim of trying to create the perfect soldier and did I want to see the results. I declined but a while later I saw three creatures working on his tank that looked like a cross between Christian Bale and the Borg from Star Trek. “

Stiller also denied reports that Malick’s take on Zoolander will be more spiritual and philosophical than the original.

“Oh no, he told me he’s done with all that. His new mantra is sex and mindless violence. My favourite scene in the whole movie is when Derek meets God and makes his head explode by flashing him the new and improved Blue Steel.”

Zoolander 2 is due for release in 2015.