BILL STILLER SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN PRISON

NEW YORK – A judge sentenced Ben Stiller to three years in prison.

Ben Stiller – star of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty and Zoolander 2 – will start a three year prison sentence in March, 2019. This follows sentencing in New York on multiple charges. A court found Mr Stiller guilty of tax evasion and campaign finance violations. The sentence however was relatively light due to cooperation with the office of Special Prosecutor Robert De Niro. Although not named in court, ‘individual 1’ is a veiled reference to Alec Baldwin, president since 2016.

Mr. Stiller’s lawyer Owen Wilson told the Studio Exec:

My client has come out of a tunnel. We thought nothing could be darker than when he did Cable Guy, but this was an even harder time for Mr. Stiller. Now, however, we are ready once Mr. De Niro has finished his investigation to tell the truth about Baldwin and all his crimes.

Alec Baldwin has so far been uncharacteristically quiet on Twitter, but earlier had called out his former lawyer as a ‘weak man’ who was ‘only good in The Royal Tenenbaums and nothing else.’

Meanwhile the De Niro investigation continues and many close to the special prosecutor’s office say that he is now very interested in talking to anyone involved in what is being called the car parking conspiracy.

The case will continue in 2019.

HP LOVECRAFT REVIEWS: THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES (NEW AND SELECTED)

REVIEW – THE MEYEROWITZ STORIES (NEW AND SELECTED) sees the return of Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller to comedy after a long hiatus.

Noah Baumbach’s new film The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected) features a stellar cast in perhaps the director’s most accomplished film since The Squid and the Whale.  Veterans Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman are joined by Adam Sandler and Ben Stiller. Our occasional guest reviewer HP Lovecraft casts his eldritch eye over the new comedy of a dysfunctional family coming together to resolve their issues in a subtle and nuanced comedy.

HP Lovecraft writes:

There were too many Jews.

For more Reviews, Click Here.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS FILM DIRECTORS

HOLLYWOOD – Sir Edwin Fluffer returns just in time to cast his gimlet eye over the dream factory of Hollywood, turning his attention specifically to the figure insiders call ‘the pointy arse’: the Director.

Of course, many actors will tell you that what they really want to do is direct, and some of them are jolly good at it too: The Cable Guy by dear little Benny Stiller has got to be one of my favourite movies of all time! I never once imagined that I’d end up behind the megaphone myself, but when the chance came I seized it with both hands. The fee was simply huge, and having appeared in several of Bobby Altman’s films I thought it would be money for old rope and I was right.
Some people have written entire books to explain their theories about how directors work, but it really is quite simple. All you need is an attractive young lady in a nice frock, turn the lights on so everyone can see her, and that’s it! You really can’t go too far wrong. 

I was fortunate to have the divine Jane Fonda as my leading lady, and she was good enough to wear her own clothes, so that helped ease the pressure on the budget that I’d accidentally spent entirely on champagne. We managed to film the whole thing in a single morning which was quite fortunate as I was meeting Jessica Tandy for lunch and neither of us were fit for anything once we got on the brandy. 
We allowed a good half an hour for editing and post production, and I sent my tuxedo off to the dry cleaners ready for a star studded premiere followed by drinks and a game of Twister. To this day it remains a great sadness that we were never able to find a distributor with the foresight and vision to risk their shirt on a theatrical release, but when it went straight to video Jane Fonda’s Workout was the most enormous success. We did talk about a sequel, but sadly nothing ever came of it. The idea was that Jane Fonda’s Leotard League would see her team up with Diane Keaton and the one out of The Golden Girls who I thought was a bloke, to play a crack squad of crime fighting aerobics instructors.
But that’s another story…

For more Fluffer please be so good as to CLICK HERE.

AMA RECOGNISE WILL FERRELL SYNDROME

CHICAGO – Will Ferrell Syndrome has been recognised as an actual medical condition.

Dr. Roberto Coteeze of the American Medical Association declared today the Will Ferrell Syndrome would be classified as a recognized medical condition although the ‘pathology has not yet been fully defined.’

Will Ferrell Syndrome is a condition which seems to only affect very funny men who have made a promising start to their television careers (usually on Saturday Night Live) before moving onto Hollywood and five picture deals. In some cases, the progress of the syndrome is relatively slow, especially if actors confine themselves to character parts, but once they approach ‘family entertainment’ or ‘gross-out comedy’ they are doomed never to be funny again.

Will Ferrell – after whom the syndrome is named (Stiller Disease being an earlier option) – is a prime example. ‘He was great in Zoolander,’ says Dr. Coteeze, ‘but then came Land of the Lost and that was as funny as a teenager’s funeral.’

admitted to hospital

Other sufferers include Jack Black, Ben Stiller, Eddie Murphy, Chris Rock, Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson. Vigils are currently being held for Zach Galifianakis in hope that he too won’t succumb.

Flowers have been laid, songs sung.

BLUES BROTHERS 3: JACK BLACK AND BEN STILLER HIT THE ROAD

HOLLYWOOD – Jack Black and Ben Stiller are putting on the suits, the hats and the sunglasses to play one of the most iconic pairings in movie comedy ever formed: The Blues Brothers 3.

Following a lackluster sequel in 1999 – Blues Brothers 2000 – starring Dan Aykroyd and John Goodman, this time around the comedy genius of a new generation is going to be applied to the story of Jake and Elwood Blues. Studio Exec’s recent columnist Jack Black spoke exclusively to the site:

It’s so exciting, because I don’t know if you know this, but I really dig my music – what with Tenacious D and all. So here I will be doing comedy and music together.

Are you at all nervous about following John Belushi’s lead?

Oh no. Listen, I’m not playing Jake. I’m playing Elwood. Ben Stiller is going to play Jake.

Oh, right.

Yeah. This is how we’re going to mix it up. You see everyone will think I’ll be playing Jake because I’m you know a little heavy. But when we appear on screen and the audience realize I’m actually playing Elwood… They’re going to have a heart attack they’ll be laughing so hard.  

What songs are you going to be singing?

Time has passed and Blues is no longer carrying the cultural cachet it once did. So we’re going to be more into Rn’B: Whitney Houston, Gloria Estafan, we’re hoping to get Rihanna and Beyoncé on board as well.

That sounds…

Keeping it real.

The Blues Brothers 3: Gettin’ Funky Witcha will be released in 2017.

PEOPLE WITH VAGINAS ALSO FUNNY, HOLLYWOOD LEARNS

HOLLYWOOD – It was revealed today that people with vaginas can also be funny.

The release of the female led Ghostbusters reboot has taken everyone by surprise. The new film starring Kate McKinnon, Leslie Jones, Kristen Wiig and Melissa McCarthy has been warmly received, despite a bunch of dicks trying to do down its IMDb score, because they’re … well … dicks.

Industry analyst Xavier Poulis told the Studio Exec:

This idea that people with vaginas can be funny is not actually a new thing. In the past we had some great film comediennes like Madeline Kahn, Bernadette Peters, Diane Keaton and Goldie Hawn to name but four. However, there has always been a prevailing idea in the big studios that men are funnier than women and that’s what the public want to see. But now with Tina Fey, Sarah Silverman, Amy Poehler, Amy Schumer and Melissa McCarthy consistently bringing in high end critical and commercial successes to the big screen. There needs to be a rethink.

Where does this leave people with penises?

Also we have to look at the other side of the ledger. People with penises. Penii. Okay those. Adam Sandler, Kevin Hart, Kevin James, increasingly Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Robert deNiro, James Franco, Seth Rogen… maybe it’s time to consider the idea that people with penises aren’t so equipped for comedy. Especially since the frat boy idea of gross out comedy took the ascendancy and became essentially the only comedy we see these days.

Ghostbusters is in theaters.

WILL FERRELL DROPS OUT OF REAGAN BECAUSE OF THE DANGER IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN FUNNY

HOLLYWOOD – Will Ferrell has dropped out of the new movie Reagan because of the danger that it might have been funny.

Noted comedian Will Ferrell is no longer to play President Ronald Reagan in a new comedy Reagan. The log line for the film was that as the President succumbs to dementia while in the second term of office and needing to be convinced that he is an actor playing the President of the United States of America. Following a blog post by the late President’s daughter, Ferrell has dropped out of the project although it is unclear whether his Gary Sanchez production company will still be involved. Released EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec a statement read:

We got involved with the project after a great live read of the black listed script with Josh Brolin. However, following concerns voiced by the Reagan family, specifically stating that they think this is unsuitable material for a comedy Will said ‘Whoa! a comedy? are we ready for that?’ You see Will has been quietly making not exactly serious drama, but unfunny films for some time. Non comedies if you will. So when we heard that this was supposed to be funny, Will got cold feet. ‘I can’t do that anymore’ were his exact words.

A source close to Ferrell also stated, ‘We would hate to cause any distress, especially considering what President Reagan did for the mentally ill while in office. His policies of closing down mental hospitals and providing care in the community, mainly under bridges and in slums and trailer parks, was far-sighted. His swift action to alleviate the suffering of AIDs also deserves far more respect. Not to mention his invasion of Granada and the ramping up of the ‘War on Drugs’ which proved such a success’.

Reagan starring Ben Stiller will be released in 2018.

ZOOLANDER 3 GETS NEW POSTER

HOLLYWOOD – Zoolander 2 has only just come out but plans are already afoot for the closing film in Ben Stiller’s comedy trilogy: Zoolander 3: We Bought A Zoolander.

Ben Stiller leaked the new poster to the third entry of the Zoolander trilogy – Zoolander 8 – onto the internet today and the Studio Exec was there to mop up the new synopsis. The new film is to star Ben Stiller as Derek Zoolander as well as Owen Wilson as Hansel and Matt Damon and Scarlett Johansson.

We’re huge fans of the Cameron Crowe picture We Bought a Zoo and for years I’ve wanted to do something that would be a homage to a film that has really influenced my career. I don’t think I would ever have had the nerve to have made Dodgeball or Tropic Thunder without the inspiration that Crowe has given me over the years.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander is only the latest in what looks like a heavy year for We Bought a Zoo spin offs, with Matt Damon’s new Bourne film also taking the Cameron Crowe route of whimsy. Crowe himself is philosophical about the impact of his 2011 light family comedy.

I just make the film I want to make. If it is a huge success, I’m really pleased obviously and if filmmakers come back and say they’re influenced by it, then all the more. I know Terrence Malick is a huge fan and has for years been talking about a shot for shot remake. Although Stanley Kubrick died long before the film was released he also wrote in his diaries a synopsis for a film called ‘We Bought a Safari Park’ which sounds very similar to what I did. Tom Cruise (another fan) told me that Kubrick wanted to make it with him and Nicole after Eyes Wide Shut.

Other We Bought a Zoo spin offs in production include a Die Hard spin off and a Star Wars anthology film.

Zoolander 3: We Bought a Zoolander will be released in 2017. Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

THE CLOONEY BIN 1

Dear George

 

I feel I’m being pigeon-holed. For years now I’ve played some of the greatest roles in cinematic history. I’m the envy of all my peers, every director wants to work with me and I’m probably the greatest actor of our time. The thing is what I really want to do is star in a Farrelly Brothers movie but they never send me their scripts and refuse to answer my calls. What should I do?
 
Daniel D. L.

Dear Daniel

 
I hear you brother but I’m afraid you may never get to fulfil your dream. The price of greatness is that people expect you to be consistently great. Anything less than a perfect performance in a worthy historical epic or political drama and the press will claim that you’re on the slide. Sure you want to spend a month playing the lead in a rom-com about two blind Siamese twins who accidentally have sex with their mother. Who doesn’t?
 
I’ve chased countless roles that I really wanted but lately I’m always losing out to either Jason Bateman or Jason Sudeikis. Hall Pass, Horrible Bosses, Movie 43. I campaigned for parts in all of them but I never got a look in. Hell I begged Seth Gordon on my hands and knees to give me the lead in Four Christmases but he said “F*ck you Clooney. I want Vince Vaughn.”.
 
The constant rejection is tough Dan and people just don’t understand. They think just because you’re constantly winning awards, working with talented directors and gaining the respect and admiration of every living soul that you’ll feel fulfilled!
 
I think it’s high time we both accepted that we will never get the roles we really want. Though saying that, I know that every time I catch Hot Tub Time Machine 2 on TV I’ll shed a tear and remember the day when the director laughed in my face at the audition, tore up my resume and gave the part to Adam Scott.
 
Some wounds never heal Daniel. Some wounds never heal…

ZOOLANDER 2 ACCUSED OF MODELPHOBIA

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Stiller comedy sequel Zoolander 2 has come under fire for its portrayal of supermodels.

Follow up comedy hit Zoolander 2 is in hot water today following accusations thee its portrayal of supermodels is ‘offensive and inrealistic’. Cara Delevingne and Kate Moss are only two of literally six supermodels who are furious with the way they’re profession is portrayed.

Cara told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

People say that we are supposed to be stupid just because we’re ridiculously good looking. But that’s so unfair. I was in Paper Towns and Kate Moss married Liam Gallagher, or was it Johnny Depp?

Justin Bieber also stood up for the supermodels of the world:

I think this kind of model-phobia is disgraceful. It’s like racism but worse because racism doesn’t have to put up with having to watch your weight and deal with really bad after parties.

In the film Ben Stiller plays Derek Zoolander a supermodel famous for his inability to pronounce words properly and for his trademark looks ‘magnum’, ‘Blue Steel’ and ‘Le Tigre’. Owen Wilson, who plays his best friend Hansel, was furious with the accusations.

This is absolute BS if you don’t mind me saying their chief. I know for a fact that some of my best friends are supermodels and although they’re certainly incredibly good looking they are none too bright upstairs and not one of them would deny that or even want to. The only reason Cara, Kate and Justin are angry is because they wanted to be in the movie and we forgot to call them.

But Justin Bieber is in the movie.

Is he? Oh well point proven!

But what about the argument that the film is transphobic in regard to Benedict Cumberbatch’s character?

Transphobic? Jesus. If you’re worried about a Ben Stiller comedy then I don’t know … Jeez.

Zoolander 2 will be released 12 February, 2016.

ROBERT DE NIRO STARS IN ANOTHER COMEDY YOU’RE NOT GOING TO SEE

HOLLYWOOD – Robert De Niro is starring in another comedy this week which chances are you are not going to bother going to see.

The comedy co-stars a young person who will say that they are thrilled to be working with Robert De Niro, but secretly wish it could be in something much better than this middle of the road comic pap. De Niro plays an older person and there is a situation and, if you do watch it, chances are it’s because you are flying somewhere or because a less intelligent family member has got control of the remote. It has got to the point that you don’t even wonder what it is about because the last time De Niro had a leading role in a good film, it would have to be 1995, the year that brought Casino and Heat. Despite the occasional cameo in a David O. Russell film, De Niro has, you believe, been treading water ever since and cashing the pay checks, with the one exception of The Good Shepherd which he directed.

You can’t blame Ben Stiller, but you kind of do and to some extent Leonardo di Caprio who took Martin Scorsese off of De Niro, like some young guy stealing your dad. You don’t want to be overly critical. After all, he did give us Mean Streets, Taxi Driver, Raging Bull, The Godfather Part 2, King of Comedy, New York, New York, The Deer Hunter, Once Upon a Time in America, Goodfellas, Cape Fear, The Untouchables, Midnight Run, Casino, Heat and Angel Heart. Surely we can forgive him Meet the Parents, Rocky and Bullwinkle and Grudge Match. And Meet the Fockers. And The Big Wedding and The Family.

The Intern is in theaters.

THE LAST BEN STILLER FAN DIES AGED 98

HOLLYWOOD – The last known Ben Stiller fan on Planet Earth, Doris Sutton, has passed away peacefully in her sleep, aged 98.

Sutton, who owned several large asbestos factories in the mid-fifties, turned her house into a shrine dedicated to the alleged funny man and is rumoured to have left half of her 20 million dollar fortune to her cat Starsky and the other half to the fictitious Derek Zoolander Center for Kids Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too.

Her carer, Benson Hodges, was also bequeathed a small amount of money and he spoke to the Studio Exec about Doris’ infatuation with Stiller:

She began suffering from dementia in her early 70s and for years she was unable to communicate with the outside world. Then one day she caught Meet the Fockers on cable and began laughing hysterically. Personally, I thought she’d cracked up completely so I injected her with a powerful sedative but when she awoke two days later, she demanded that I purchase every film Stiller had ever made. At first I thought her obsession was pretty harmless but then she hired a couple of guys to paint murals of Ben all over her house and started buying up anything Ben related. Probably the strangest item she bought was a 12 foot bronze statue of him posing like Michaelangelo’s David. I believe she got that from Owen Wilson.

Stiller himself was aware of Doris and earlier today he offered this moving tribute:

Doris used to write me a letter every day and I always looked forward to them. I remember the last time she wrote begging me to make Night at The Museum 4 and I’m only sad she won’t get to see it when it’s released in cinemas worldwide in May 2017. Kevin James is playing Henry VIII and it’s going to be f*cking hilarious.

 

 

JOHNNY DEPP SIGNS ON FOR MR. BENN

HOLLYWOOD – Soon to be seen in Black Mass, Johnny Depp has also added a big screen adaptation to popular British children’s cartoon character Mr. Benn to his roster.

Following his more serious dramatic turn as real life gangster Whitey Bulger, Mr. Benn looks to be a return to Johnny Depp’s comfort zone of dressing up in different costumes.The BBC television program from the 1970s told the story of the eponymous character, a straight laced business man with a suit and bowler hat who occasionally left his house on 53 Festive Road to visit a costume shop. The shop and its fez wearing shopkeeper, however had magical properties and when Mr. Benn exits the changing room, he enters the world appropriate to the costume he has chosen. Created by David McKee, the show was a favorite of British children everywhere but only ran for two years. The film version will be directed by Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson is rumored to be in talks to play the shopkeeper.

Johnny Depp spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is going to be my most autobiographical film to date. I am Mr. Benn. That’s my life. Dressing up and make believe, a fantasy world to which I escape and yet then cannot escape from.

So is it an analogy?

I don’t like Italian food.

Mr. Benn will be released in 2018.

ISIS WELCOME ZOOLANDER 2

MOSUL – Islamic terrorist group ISIS have welcomed the news that Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson are going to return for Zoolander 2.

The announcement of the Zoolander sequel came in the form of an appearance on the cat walk at Paris fashion week, when Stiller and Wilson in character as Hansel and Derek Zoolander had a walk off.

Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader and emir of ISIS, issued a statement on the internet within minutes of the confirmation that Zoolander 2 would begin filming soon.

We of the Islamic State of Iraq and the Levant are overjoyed – God be praised – at the return of Derek Zoolander and Hansel and the comedy that makes us all laugh. We hope – God willing – that there will also be celebrity cameos, featuring David Duchovny Billy Zane or Winona Ryder, who is still hot. We also demand that the Will Ferrell’s villainous fashion designer Mugatu also returns. His improv is priceless.

Exactly what the connection is between ISIS’ declared ambition of creating a universal caliphate and the 2001 comedy film is unclear, but we spoke to Middle East expert Merton Paul to find out:

ISIS has gone through some radical changes in the last few months. The leadership is surprised at the amount of success it has had with its reach now spreading all around the Mediterranean and into central Africa. There is always the danger when a group like this has such success that it will splinter. Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time. All Jihadis love the original Zoolander. 98% of the population of the Arab world rate it as ‘way better than Meet the Parents’ in a recent poll. This will be used as a way of uniting what threatened to become a fragmented movement. For the leadership, Zoolander 2 could not have come at a better time.

Zoolander 2 will be released in 2016.