HOLLYWOOD – The bad boys of middlebrow cinema, the Coen Brothers, launched a scathing attack against Ben Affleck today during an interview with French culture magazine Chapeau.
‘That asshole stole our movie and he’s gonna pay with his nut,’ they said in unison in a The Shining -Danny-come-and-play-with-.us way that they’ve perfected over the years. ‘His film Argo was clearly a rip off of our film and when we get our hands on him he’s gonna be shy a nut. We’re going to take it off with pliers.’
It appears that the Hudsucker Proxies (as they prefer to be known) were labouring under the false impression that Affleck’s Argo was essentially a remake of Fargo. Joel – the more coherent of the two – flew solo on this one:
|Mr Potato Head
Mr. Potato head thinks he can do anything just because he used to dingle Beyonce or someone. Well, he can’t. Remaking our film and then just taking a letter off the beginning of the title to try and throw us has never worked. Look how we fucked up Spielberg after he tried to make Arton Fink. We broke William Friedkin’s arm when he was planning a script Brother, Where Art Thou?
We’re only gonna take the one nut, because the other one’s there as an insurance for good behaviour.
Matt Damon – who is widely believed to be the origin of the rumour – looked shaken and tried to explain himself. ‘I thought the guys would watch the movie, see that it was obviously not Fargo and realise I’d been pulling their leg. What I didn’t realise was how heavily these guys are into crystal meth. They sat through the whole screening facing the wrong direction and basically saw their film against the blank wall opposite the screen.’
|Nice weather for it
HOLLYWOOD – To celebrate the imminent end of days as predicted by idiots Studio Exec offers this definitive (I suppose) guide to end of world movies. Enjoy it while it lasts.
5. I am Legend
Billiam Smith furrows his brow and looks all serious because he’s surviving in New York and having to fight horribly unrealistic CGI vampire zombie stuff because brain box Nanny McPhee tried to cure cancer and accidentally (oops) destroyed the world’s population. Smith is having the time of his life tooling around New York in a sports car (no traffic), hunting gazelles, playing golf off of aircraft carriers and claiming Legend: The Greatest Hits is the best Bob Marley album ever. Wife and sprog happily dead, Smithster only gets truly miffed when his dog is rather unfairly bitten and he has to do as Hitler did and kill his own dog. See also A Boy and his Dog, Last Man on Earth and Omega Man.
Who knows? This film had Ben Affleck in it and was directed by Michael Bay, which is Latin for don’t go and see this fucking movie. Arwen turns up. That’s all I know.
3. The Road
Aragorn and the boy with the vampire friend wander around Canada and the outskirts of Detroit while trees fall down around them. There are cannibals about as well, but everything turns out okay when Mike from Neighbors turns up with his Ikea family and (good news) he’s brought a dog. This film is exactly 1 minute 45 seconds too long.
2. Take Shelter
Under rated work of immense interest. Michael Shannon plays a troubled father who is plagued by visions of the end of the world. Is he struggling with a descent into delusion, or is he a prophet foreseeing a genuine apocalypse. Films about the end of the world do seem to have trouble ending, other than that, recommended.
1. Dr Strangelove
Masterpiece of comic darkness and arguably Kubrick’s best film. Peter Sellers is at his best playing the American president (with a slight Gene Wilder accent though sans hair), a British RAF officer and the titular ex-Nazi scientist. The world not only ends but is utterly deserving of it, given the madness and venality of all involved. You’ll laugh but by God it’ll hurt.
BOSTON – Today Ben Affleck tearfully told reporters that his best acting beard used in Argo and at the end of The Town has escaped.
The Beard made a bid for freedom while Ben Affleck had hung it out to dry having washed it in a preparation of high tension honey and ham juice. ‘It’s what gives it that special sheen,’ the dumb one from Good Will Hunting (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘I had that beard from when it was a mere ‘tash when I was in Shakespeare in Love.’
Mr. Affleck’s new film Argo has been praised for its excellent beard-age and was in line to win recognition from the Academy, with some even proposing that the beard should get a separate category.
‘That performance is 16% Affleck and 97% beard,’ said John J. Mackaloid of the Association of Numeracy Illiterates.
A reward of $27 has been offered for anyone with information leading to the recovery of the beard.
Six US diplomats are trapped in a posh house in Iran and forced to endure three meals a day and hot and cold running booze.
Affleck wakes up in his own vomit to discover he’s grown a beard and due to his manly facial hair he is assigned the task of rescuing the diplomats from their middle class Canadian hell. A plan is concocted with Alan Arkin and John Goodman who have decided to play themselves unconvincingly. The silly plot is apparently based on actual events but the events are just too silly. Ten minutes of dramatic tension at the end doesn’t compensate for two hours of humdrum. A noble effort but ultimately hokum. Cranston with tears in his eyes at the climax is officially the number one contender for the most unconvincing show of emotion in the history of moving pictures.
HOLLYWOOD – Michael Winterbottom and Steven Soderbergh announce a film off during which the two famously prolific film makers are going to make a complete feature film every day for a month.
‘The challenge is to go from script to editing in a day,’ says Michael Winterbottom sneering. ‘And then you have casting, photography, special effects, soundtrack and post. The red carpet premières take place at 9 o’ clock and 11 that evening with the order switched each day.’
‘Mikey ain’t got a chance in hell, he’s gonna cry like a little girl when I’ve finished with him,’ Soderburgh giggled feverishly. ‘Matt Damon will be in every other film. I’ll do some Oceans movies as well. And then some experimental stuff and I’ll be calling in some favours from my vast array of talented friends. Who does he have? Tell me who you have? You got maybe, MAYBE, an Affleck.’
‘You got nothing my friend. You hear me? Nothing!’
‘Soderburgh is full of bunkum,’ Winterbottom spat on the floor. ‘It’ll be easy. I’ll just adapt some Thomas Hardy novels and then get Steve Coogan to ad lib the rest. Throw in some fellatio. Everyone’s happy. What? You wanna go and see Contagion 2, 3 and 4?’
‘Is there a danger that quality might be compromised in this rush?’ Studio Exec had the opportunity of asking.
The directors take a moment before answering as they fight for breath and wipe the tears from their eyes.
Soderburgh recovers first: ‘Quality? Compromise? I think not.’
Tess of the Flipping D’Urbevilles and Sex, Lies and Memory Stick start filming on Monday and will be released the same day.
NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen.
Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.
‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed. ‘I’ve had the Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’
Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’
The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided.
Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.