COEN BROTHERS ATTACK AFFLECK

HOLLYWOOD – The bad boys of middlebrow cinema, the Coen Brothers, launched a scathing attack against Ben Affleck today during an interview with French culture magazine Chapeau.

‘That asshole stole our movie and he’s gonna pay with his nut,’ they said in unison in a The Shining -Danny-come-and-play-with-.us way that they’ve perfected over the years. ‘His film Argo was clearly a rip off of our film and when we get our hands on him he’s gonna be shy a nut. We’re going to take it off with pliers.’

It appears that the Hudsucker Proxies (as they prefer to be known) were labouring under the false impression that Affleck’s Argo was essentially a remake of Fargo. Joel – the more coherent of the two – flew solo on this one:  

Mr Potato Head

Mr. Potato head thinks he can do anything just because he used to dingle Beyonce or someone. Well, he can’t. Remaking our film and then just taking a letter off the beginning of the title to try and throw us has never worked. Look how we fucked up Spielberg after he tried to make Arton Fink. We broke William Friedkin’s arm when he was planning a script Brother, Where Art Thou?

Ethan continued:

We’re only gonna take the one nut, because the other one’s there as an insurance for good behaviour. 

Matt Damon – who is widely believed to be the origin of the rumour – looked shaken and tried to explain himself. ‘I thought the guys would watch the movie, see that it was obviously not Fargo and realise I’d been pulling their leg. What I didn’t realise was how heavily these guys are into crystal meth. They sat through the whole screening facing the wrong direction and basically saw their film against the blank wall opposite the screen.’
  

TOP FIVE END OF WORLD MOVIES

Nice weather for it

HOLLYWOOD – To celebrate the imminent end of days as predicted by idiots Studio Exec offers this definitive (I suppose) guide to end of world movies. Enjoy it while it lasts.


5. I am Legend

Billiam Smith furrows his brow and looks all serious because he’s surviving in New York and having to fight horribly unrealistic CGI vampire zombie stuff because brain box Nanny McPhee tried to cure cancer and accidentally (oops) destroyed the world’s population. Smith is having the time of his life tooling around New York in a sports car (no traffic), hunting gazelles, playing golf off of aircraft carriers and claiming Legend: The Greatest Hits is the best Bob Marley album ever. Wife and sprog happily dead, Smithster only gets truly miffed when his dog is rather unfairly bitten and he has to do as Hitler did and kill his own dog. See also A Boy and his Dog, Last Man on Earth and Omega Man.

4.  Armageddon

Who knows? This film had Ben Affleck in it and was directed by Michael Bay, which is Latin for don’t go and see this fucking movie. Arwen turns up. That’s all I know.


3. The Road

Aragorn and the boy with the vampire friend wander around Canada and the outskirts of Detroit while trees fall down around them. There are cannibals about as well, but everything turns out okay when Mike from Neighbors turns up with his Ikea family and (good news) he’s brought a dog. This film is exactly 1 minute 45 seconds too long.


2. Take Shelter

Under rated work of immense interest. Michael Shannon plays a troubled father who is plagued by visions of the end of the world. Is he struggling with a descent into delusion, or is he a prophet foreseeing a genuine apocalypse. Films about the end of the world do seem to have trouble ending, other than that, recommended.


1. Dr Strangelove

Masterpiece of comic darkness and arguably Kubrick’s best film. Peter Sellers is at his best playing the American president (with a slight Gene Wilder accent though sans hair), a British RAF officer and the titular ex-Nazi scientist. The world not only ends but is utterly deserving of it, given the madness and venality of all involved. You’ll laugh but by God it’ll hurt.

BEN AFFLECK’S BEST ACTING BEARD ESCAPES

BOSTON – Today Ben Affleck tearfully told reporters that his best acting beard used in Argo and at the end of The Town has escaped.
The Beard made a bid for freedom while Ben Affleck had hung it out to dry having washed it in a preparation of high tension honey and ham juice. ‘It’s what gives it that special sheen,’ the dumb one from Good Will Hunting (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘I had that beard from when it was a mere ‘tash when I was in Shakespeare in Love.’
Mr. Affleck’s new film Argo has been praised for its excellent beard-age and was in line to win recognition from the Academy, with some even proposing that the beard should get a separate category.
‘That performance is 16% Affleck and 97% beard,’ said John J. Mackaloid of the Association of Numeracy Illiterates.
A reward of $27 has been offered for anyone with information leading to the recovery of the beard.

ARGO: REVIEW













Six US diplomats are trapped in a posh house in Iran and forced to endure three meals a day and hot and cold running booze. 

Affleck wakes up in his own vomit to discover he’s grown a beard and due to his manly facial hair he is assigned the task of rescuing the diplomats from their middle class Canadian hell. A plan is concocted with Alan Arkin and John Goodman who have decided to play themselves unconvincingly. The silly plot is apparently based on actual events but the events are just too silly. Ten minutes of dramatic tension at the end doesn’t compensate for two hours of humdrum. A noble effort but ultimately hokum. Cranston with tears in his eyes at the climax is officially the number one contender for the most unconvincing show of emotion in the history of moving pictures.


END OF WORLD PREDICTED AS BEN AFFLECK DIRECTS ANOTHER GOOD FILM

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has frequently been seen as emblematic of the oncoming apocalypse as the rough beast of Revelations slopes its way towards Bethlehem to be born once more and the seven trumpets will sound and the seven seals be broken.

But other commentators have regarded the millennialist obsession as little more than a crazy joke. However, even the soberest minds have begun to declare themselves preoccupied by the appearance of certain portends in the Daredevil’s career.

Richard Dawkins – world famous botherer of God botherers everywhere,  recently stated:

That the Jersey Girl and Pearl Harbor star can actually direct a film came as a surprise but then his films have shocked me by being “Not bad.” Gone Baby Gone and The Town were both at least decent if not actually quite good. Look, I have a brain the size of Mercury, but even I can’t understand how the same man who chose to do Gigli could be in the running for an Oscar with Argo.

Fellow brain box and sceptic, Sam Harris, admitted to being baffled by Affleck’s success – “And I understand Quantum Physics.” However, many conservative Christians have seen in Affleck’s career arc the onset of the Rapture, when the Saved will be taken and the sinful left. Billy-Bob Billybob pastor of the High Hairline Church of West Lindsay commented:

Well, shucks if it ain’t the end of the world and the toppling of the mighty and an overturning of the natural order when a best director nomination for Ben Affleck is announced then I don’t know what is. Hallelujah!  

 Dawkins added – “As much as it pains me, the evidence is there – and the evidence is convincing.”

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 5: TERRENCE MALICK

Bran, fruit, hot milk, Heidegger, Jaegermeister and coco-pops

Terry Malick famously doesn’t give interviews, but he does eat breakfast, and Studio Exec was invited over to Malick HQ to break bread with the great man during magic hour and finally ask him some questions. He was out on the heli-pad waving flares even though I’d told him on the phone I would be arriving by car. He threw the flare into a sand bucket and then, breaking open a bottle of Jaegermeister, grabbed me in a head lock and rubbed the top of my head with his knuckles. “Hey my man!”, he barked, “You bring a camera?”
To my surprise, Terry was very disappointed that I hadn’t brought a camera. “I wanted you to take my photo. They keep using that one of me wearing that big hat – I look like a f*cking dufus.”

I assured him we would use a different one as we went into the house and down the spiral staircase (like a seashell, or a Spanish cathedral, or a fractal drawing of the universe) to the kitchen. The Jaegermeister was gone. “Do you want some coco-pops?”, he asked, “Or bran? What do you want? Who are you? Are you there? What are you that wants breakfast? Two ways of eating breakfast: the way of fiber and the way of taste? Who are you to ask for breakfast? Have you seen the glory? It was here somewhere. The glory? Near the little bowl where I keep my keys, maybe.”


Terry seemed to drift off and indeed was soon wandering about the house, inspecting the microscopic movement of bacteria or glancing out the window at the flaring sun. I asked him how his latest film To the Wonder had come about.


“I was talking to Ben Affleck and the 007 girl and I got them to run about a bit. Buffaloes in a field, birds take flight, the sun glimpsed through the sudden flash of water. Who are we? What are we? Who cares? Threw it all together and hey presto! Classic!”


And you are currently working on Knight of the Cups?


Temptation, celebrity, excess. Yes.


With Christian Bale and…


Everybody on the planet. I got everybody who I could. You hear the phrase open casting call. I mean I know, right now I know, I’m not going to use half of these people, not even a tenth. You see I write a script like a novel, a really great novel. They read it and they say yes. Then I throw the script out. Throw it the fuck out and get them to walk around beaches, deserts, forests looking confused. Some Arvo Part, a little Gorecki, who knows, a dinosaur even. Bang! Classic! Malick in the house!


Right. 


There’s always got to be a river. Every single film there’s a river. Badlands, The Thin Red Line – that fucker Spielberg and his Saving Private Ryan bullshit – Days of Heaven, The New World and The Tree of Life. River, river, river. You ever see that Redford film, A River Runs Through It? That was Bobby’s homage to me. Oh, and a fire and a bird cage.


Terry slumps worn out with all his thinking and bleary eyed with the liqueur. He naps for a few minutes, and then resumes his musing:


And you know, why do we do this? Is there a God? Who is the power? The power that draws us on? What is it at the heart of nature? Where do we come from? Who are you?  


I like it. Philosophical inquiry, like Heidegger?


No, I mean who the fuck are you? Have you come to install my cable? Terry has to have his wrestling


No, I’m Chad. We spoke on the phone. 


But Terry had lost interest he had opened another bottle of Jaegermeister and was setting off flares in the back garden, screaming ‘I see the glory!” at the top of his lungs. On my way out I spoke to Pedro ,his PA, and expressed my disappointment at the interview. “Such a wasted opportunity.”, I said, “He only gives one interview in three decades…”


“What are you talking about?”, Pedro said, “He gives tonnes of interviews, but they’re all like this so no one uses them.”


At last in Studio Exec, Terry had met an outlet with absolutely no standards whatsoever.

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

WINTERBOTTOM – SODERBERGH FILM OFF

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Winterbottom and Steven Soderbergh announce a film off during which the two famously prolific film makers are going to make a complete feature film every day for a month.

‘The challenge is to go from script to editing in a day,’ says Michael Winterbottom sneering. ‘And then you have casting, photography, special effects, soundtrack and post. The red carpet premières take place at 9 o’ clock and 11 that evening with the order switched each day.’

‘Mikey ain’t got a chance in hell, he’s gonna cry like a little girl when I’ve finished with him,’ Soderburgh giggled feverishly. ‘Matt Damon will be in every other film. I’ll do some Oceans movies as well. And then some experimental stuff and I’ll be calling in some favours from my vast array of talented friends. Who does he have? Tell me who you have? You got maybe, MAYBE, an Affleck.’

‘Casey said…’

‘You got nothing my friend. You hear me? Nothing!’

‘Soderburgh is full of bunkum,’ Winterbottom spat on the floor. ‘It’ll be easy. I’ll just adapt some Thomas Hardy novels and then get Steve Coogan to ad lib the rest. Throw in some fellatio. Everyone’s happy. What? You wanna go and see Contagion 2, 3 and 4?’

‘Is there a danger that quality might be compromised in this rush?’ Studio Exec had the opportunity of asking.

The directors take a moment before answering as they fight for breath and wipe the tears from their eyes.

Soderburgh recovers first: ‘Quality? Compromise? I think not.’

Tess of the Flipping D’Urbevilles and Sex, Lies and Memory Stick start filming on Monday and will be released the same day.

WOODY ALLEN SIGNS ON FOR NEW BATMAN

NEW YORK – With the dust finally settling on what looks like one of the most successful trilogies both critically and commercially since Toy Story, and Christopher Nolan swearing that he will not be return to helm another outing for the man in the bat suit, Warner Bros. have already decided on a new director to take on the franchise in a fresh reboot tentatively titled The Amazing Batman: Woody Allen. 

Gotham’s most famous humorist and diminutive bespectacled comedian Woody Allen has signed on to direct two instalments.

‘I wanted to do something new and I was getting heartily sick of Europe,’ the Annie Hall director confessed.  ‘I’ve had the  Batman script in the drawer for years and this will be my opportunity to dust it off.’

Attracted principally by what Allen calls ‘the deep psychological neuroses of the character’, the prolific writer / director waved off concerns that he was unused to dealing with action. ‘I can do all that,’ Allen smirked. ‘Oh there’ll be action all right.’

The studio had originally offered famed Austrian director Michael Haneke the job, but he turned it down saying he wanted to work on darker material. Although at first glance, Woody might not seem the first name that would come to mind, he makes films cheaply and quickly and knows the neighbourhood. Studio Exec can exclusively reveal that Allen will himself appear in the film as The Riddler. Although Batman himself is yet to be cast, Allen hinted that he had a few names in mind – Roberto Benigni, Alan Alda and Scarlet Johansson have all been mentioned – but as yet nothing is decided. 

Batman Gotham Barcelona will be released in 2017.