BEN AFFLECK TO STAR IN TIM BURTON’S SUPERMAN LIVES

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck cast as the Man of Steel in Superman Lives.

Tim Burton‘s Superman Lives will finally see the light of day with Ben Affleck taking the role of Superman. The long-gestating project which initially saw Nicolas Cage stuff the tights has finally got the green light. Burton told the SE EXCLUSIVELY:

Look, no one ever thought this could happen. Least of all me. This project broke my heart when it didn’t come off with Nick in the 90s, but now Ben is really keen. He says he loves the idea of putting his mark on the character.

We asked Ben how he felt taking over the character having played Batman and having to rival Henry Cavill’s recent turn.

Well, I shared a screen with Henry in a couple of movies. And I got a chance to study him really closely. I couldn’t help but think: what a dick! It really irked me day after to day to see him trying to hide his moustache and stumble over even the most simple line readings. One say we almost came to blows. Fortunately Zack was there to remind us that our mothers both shared the same name. Agatha or something.

Martha?

Yeah, that was it. Anyway, I’ve always wanted to play Superman and Matt Damon’s hair is thinning now so he won’t mind playing Lex Luthor I guess.

Tim Burton’s Superman Lives begins filming in June.

WARNER DC ANNOUNCE JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT BATMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Warner DC have announced a new film called Batmen that will tie up all the different versions of Batman currently in production.

The new film, Batmen as announced by Warner DC, will finally see Robert Pattinson’s Batman share the screen with Ben Affleck, Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, directed by Mr. Titanic James Cameron.

A Warner insider told us:

We have so many Batman incarnations in production at the moment that we figured, why the hell not? So we just threw them all on the table. Then we drove trucks of money up to Pattinson, Affleck, Keaton and Bale’s homes and magically, they agreed. Because Batman is so popular, there’s no way we can lose money on this one. Just imagine all of the toys.

James Cameron is on board and is very excited:

This will be the start of what we are proud to call ‘The Batverse’. If that crap can work for Spiderman and those oh so colourful people at Marvel, then why can’t it work for us? It’ll be like The Odd Couple, but in a Batcave and four of them instead of two, but you get the idea. Affleck will be like Walter Matthau but in a cape and cowl, he’ll be the big burly, grumpy one. Keaton will be like Jack Lemmon, always trying to tidy up all the Batarangs left lying around. Pattinson will be like their kid, or something and Bale will just hang around in the shadows, shouting, ‘Where is she?!’

The cast is impressive. “We’ve also bought the rights to Adam West’s voice work on Family Guy and he’ll play the voice of the Bat Computer,” said Cameron. “We’ll have Joaquin Phoenix wheeling Jack Nicholson around and Jared Leto will just post boxes of shit to everyone. Two Face will now be Four Face with Aaron Eckhart and Tommy Lee Jones looking like Zaphod Beeblebrox. This thing writes itself.”

Cameron promised to work on the film just as soon as his latest Avatar film is released. 

Batmen goes into production in 2030.

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS MICHAEL BARBARO IN NEW YORK TIMES THE DAILY MOVIE

NEW YORK – Casey Affleck to star as Michael Barbaro in  new movie based on The Daily Podcast from the New York Times.

Affleck frere Casey Affleck is to play Michael Barbaro in a new movie called This … is the Daily, based on popular New York Times podcast The Daily. Speaking with the Studio Exec, Casey had this to say:

Every morning I get up at early, meditation, yoga, fruit enema and then The Daily podcast. I love Michael Barbaro. I love the way he would give me a synthesis of some important story. The way he talks to the other journalists on the phone before he’s even properly started the interview. So when the script hit my desk I was like can I do? Have I got the cadence? And I decided, hell, if Ben can do Batman, I guess I can.

But he’s not doing Batman anymore?

No? Well, anyway. I’m studying Michael. If you listen to the most recent podcast of The Daily about the breakdown of talks in North Korea, you can hear a chair squeak.  That was me shifting position as I observed him at work. A little bit of me in The Daily history.

What are you looking to learn from Michael?

Mainly, it’s the ….rhythm with which he speaks. He puts pauses… in the … strangest of places.

I’ve noticed that. 

So that’s what I’ll…. be doing.

This … is the Daily is in cinemas on Monday and every weekday after.

 

MARVEL ANNOUNCE BEN AFFLECK TO RETURN AS DAREDEVIL

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck is to return to the role as Daredevil, Marvel announced today.

The Town and Argo star Ben Affleck is to return to superhero movies. No, not as Batman you fricking idiots. As Daredevil, Marvel’s blind superhero he already played in the 2003 movie. That performance saw him nominated for an oscar and received nothing but praise all around the world. And then he went to DC and fricked it all up with his fricking Batman that everyone saw and hated. Personally, I liked his Batman performance. The films were tripe in a toilet bowl but that wasn’t his fault.

Now Netflix have canceled their Daredevil, Marvel wasted no time in phoning up the Studio Exec and spilling the juicy deets. Here’s a transcript of our conversation:

Phone call between Studio Exec and Marvel, December 1st, 2018.

Marvel: Hey, Exec.

Studio Exec: Who is this?

M: This is Marvel.

SE: Oh, hi Marvel, how you doing?

M: So we got Affleck.

SE: No way. Wait, what for?

M: He’s coming back as Daredevil.

SE: How’s that work? Isn’t he too old?

M: No way he’s perfect. He’s got that sadness going for him now. And everyone is ready to see something a bit more mature and deep. We’re going to Logan the motherfucka! It’s gonna be dignified and tragic. A subtle exploration of the human spirit overcoming adversity. I said, Ben, it’ll be your most autobiographical film to date.

SE: That’s fricking harsh. 

M: He loves it. You know Ben. Plus we’ll get Jen to come back as Electra and Matt Damon as Foggy.

SE: Sounds like you got a plan.

M: Yeah. Okay but keep it close to your chest huh, SE! We want this to be filmed like totally in secret and then we’ll boom drop it during the superbowl. Netflix those motherfuckas at their own game. BOOM! Again.

Old Daredevil will be released during the Superbowl, 2019.

MATT REEVES’ THE BATMAN: ‘WILL CONCENTRATE ON PREVIOUSLY UNTOLD ORIGIN STORY’

HOLLYWOOD -The new Batman movie – The Batman – will concentrate on Batman’s origin story.

Matt Reeves new take on the Caped Crusader Batman – entitled The Batman – will recount the origin of how Batman became Batman.

Matt Reeves talked to the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

It’s amazing that this hasn’t been covered before, but if you read the comic books carefully there’s a fascinating story about how Batman becomes Batman.

Really?

Yeah. It goes all the way back to his childhood.

Go on.

Well, he was out in the city one night with his parents. At the opera, I think. And they came out and they were walking down an alley by the theater when some criminal stepped out of the shadwos and held a gun on them. It’s not clear what exactly happened but both Bruce Wayne’s mother and father ended up being fatally shot. Perhaps there was a pearl necklace that got broken as well and something about the moon. But poor Bruce witnessed all this. Can you imagine the effect it must have had on him?

So he became Batman?

Not straightaway, no. I mean as a child I don’t think he would ahve got very far fighting crime dressed as a bat. He waited until he was older.

But why a bat?

That I’m not sure about. Maybe he was scared of them when he was a kid. I don’t know. But the thing I want to do is connect the dots between his parents dying and his lifelong devotion to being a vigilante against crime.

The Batman will be released in 2020.

JESSE PLEMONS ON BOARD FOR GOOD MATT DAMON HUNTING

HOLLYWOOD – Friday Night Lights and Breaking Bad star Jesse Plemons has signed on to play Matt Damon.

Jesse Plemons to star in the upcoming Gus Van Sant film Good Matt Damon Hunting, documenting the behind the scenes tensions which launched Matt Damon’s career.

Plemons spoke of his approach to the role EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec:

Throughout my career people have said to me that I resemble Damon. Add to this the fact I’ve studied Damon. I watch what he does in Ocean’s 13 and I take notes. I study The Informant! and he blows me away. So to go back to where it all began is almost like an actor’s pilgrimage for me. 

Gus Van Sant, who directed the 1997 drama from a script by Ben Affleck and Matt Damon, commented:

My career has always been one for the studio, one for me. Good Will Hunting despite being my most critically and commercially successful film was for the studio. And so is this one. 

What insight can we expect to see into the making of a modern day classic?

 None. None whatsoever. What insight did you want?

Kenneth Branagh will be play the role of Robin Williams and Chris Pine is currently in talks to take on the Ben Affleck role, scotching rumors that Affleck would appear as himself following huge internet backlash.

Good Matt Damon Hunting will be released in 2020.   

5 THINGS WRONG WITH THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – The Justice League hit theaters and was immediately hailed as a masterpiece of its genre.

The New York Times called it ‘The Casablanca of Superhero movies’ and Variety said ‘Eat your heart out Christopher Nolan.’

But – as rebellious as ever – The Studio Exec is not fully convinced.

So here are our five minor problems with Zach Snyder/ Joss Whedon’s new movie:

1. It’s shit.

2. Everyone looks tired and depressed. First, Ben Affleck looks like they CGIed Ryan Reynolds head onto Dave Bautista’s body. Second, Amy Adams looks like she’s performing under duress. As if someone is just off camera with a cattle prod, blocking the exit. She looks so bored and they used a crayon to color in her hair. Then Diane Lane is too obviously happy just to get work. Finally, Gal Gadot looks confused that she can be in such a bad film after having been in such a good one. Weirdly, Henry Cavill shines.

3. The film is as visually interesting as an infomercial. As much as I hated Batman V Superman and Man of Steel, those films had a certain visual pomposity that was compelling. Here, not only is the CGI like mid-90s Star Trek, but every shot, hero entrance, etc etc looks like a rush job for a poorly funded advertising agency. Take the iconic moment towards the end where Clark Kent becomes Superman. It looked like a TV advert featuring Superman. Nothing momentous happens.

In rushing to be the Avengers, they threw out the epic with the dourness.

4. Which leads us to: the humor wasn’t funny. It’s like sitting at a wedding reception with that guy who is really funny and then someone else tries to go toe to toe with them, but they don’t have the material. Unfunny humor isn’t just not funny, it is deeply depressing. They label every joke ‘JOKE’. The Flash (Ezra Miller) is annoying. Really annoying. It is like they took Zach Snyder’s sense of humor and mixed it with Joss Whedon’s visual flair. And that line is funnier than anything in the movie.

5. The Avengers. Anything DC does feels like catch up. And that’s a pity. Aquaman sounds like Thor, Superman like Captain America, Batman like Tony Stark, Flash like Peter Parker. The getting the team together to beat a CGI thing with the blue light from the sky and the cubes… whatever. Do we really want anymore universes? What was a neat idea ten years ago is beginning to look lazy bloated franchise think. Isn’t it time to finally give up?

 For more FACTS click here.

FAN WRITES LETTER TO TERRENCE MALICK ASKING HIM TO STOP

HOLLYWOOD – A fan has written Terrence Malick a letter asking him to stop making films.

With the release of Song to Song, Terrence Malick continues his race to the bottom with another star-studded wander fest. 75 year old Ayrton Conseesee – a lifelong Malick fan – felt moved to write the following letter:

Dear Mr. Malick,

I have been with you from the beginning. I remember the excitement I first felt when I saw your debut movie – Badlands – starring then unknown Sissy Spacek and Martin Sheen. What amazing talent is this!? You turned a tawdry tale of a serial killer and his girl into a meditation on life and childhood and nature and America’s innocence. With Days of Heaven, we were once more in a period of American history and following the little known Richard Gere into a world of almost Greek tragedy. The film was stirring in the lyricism of its images and the beauty of the soundtrack.

Then came the hiatus at which point your reputation grew. The Thin Red Line showed that your power had not diminished. And even The New World gave us a new version of American innocence and its loss.

The problem seemed to start when you decided to swap history for autobiography and your innovations staled into traits.

Tree of Life was visually unbelievable but one occasionally longed to stop the ever moving camera and to allow the characters to actually speak to each other. To have dialogue. Without conventional blocking, your actors actually became more stilted as they wandered about not knowing quite where to stand.  Instead of bringing in fresh faces you were now able to command true star power with Brad Pitt. This didn’t always benefit the film. To the Wonder had Ben Affleck in it! Knight of Cups starred Christian Bale. It was like you were collecting Batmans. 

Song to Song has followed swiftly on and this is with a documentary in the middle, which I also saw. It looked like a reel they put in a TV store to convince you that 4K is worth selling a limb to buy. 

And now Song to Song. Please Mr. Malick would you stop making films. It’s like supporting a terrible football team. You know they’re going to lose but you have to watch anyway. Or buying a Bob Dylan album in the 80s. Which gives me hope. Maybe you can come back. Maybe you can do it again. But you need to ditch the voiceovers, block your actors and write a fricking script this time. 

Yours Sincerely.

A. Conseesee.

For MORE Malick, Click HERE.

CASEY AFFLECK’S BEARD FILES FOR DIVORCE

HOLLYWOOD – Casey Affleck’s beard has filed a petition of divorce.

Manchester by the Sea star and Oscar winner Casey Affleck and his beard are to separate after only a year together. The Beard told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I love Casey very much. And I wish him every success in the future. But I cannot be a part of the hypocrisy anymore.  Casey needs to grow up a little and change his way of treating both people and facial hair. I’m mostly concerned with facial hair, but that’s my bad.

The relationship has always been a tumultuous one. Casey first met Beard when working on the documentary with Joaquin Phoenix.

Joaquin and I were very attached but when we premiered the film at the Venice Film Festival suddenly he wanted to appear everywhere clean-shaven. I was very hurt. I was cut up. Literally. And Casey, who was going through drama of his own, was a shoulder to cry on and a chin to hang from. I’ll always be grateful for that. But at the same time I won’t miss the crumbs.

Casey Affleck was unavailable to comment.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

 

ACCOUNTANTS SLAM THE ACCOUNTANT

HOLLYWOOD – The Association for Chartered Accountants today slammed Ben Affleck’s new film The Accountant.

Ben Affleck is back with his autistic hitman accountant thriller The Accountant. But real life accountants are not happy. Dennis Rossman of the AACAA told the Studio Exec that Affleck film was totally unrealistic:

It represents our category of employee so poorly as to constitute something like libel. The numbers are okay and the Asperger’s is something that is also fairly rife in our profession, but the murdering that Affleck’s character does is… well, it’s way too low.

Too low?

Oh yeah. What’s the body count? I’d say it’s probably no more than ten definite kills. Maybe thirteen tops. Most accountants I know kill that many people on a Monday. And of course, Monday is a workday so that way the weapons you use can be written off as a deductible.

So you’re fine with that?

Totally. I hated the bit where he wrote on the windows though. That was just A Beautiful mind rip off.

The Accountant is currently in theaters.

WRITING MATHEMATICS ON GLASS ‘SIGN OF GENIUS’

HOLLYWOOD – It has been found that writing equations on glass surfaces, such as windows, is a legitimate sign of genius.

The revelations came in the wake of the new Ben Affleck film The Accountant in which Bruce Wayne plays an autistic hitman. To relax he writes equations on glass, following in a long line of geniuses such as Will Hunting, Lex Luthor from The Social Network and John Nash who was played by Maximus Decimus Meridius in A Beautiful Mind. Scientist and genius Dr. Patrick Stewart said:

Yes, writing equations is clever – we all know that- but what separates the boffins from the Bozos is the ability to write on glass. First doing it without making that annoying squeaky noise and then not going half of it on your shirt sleeve.

Oxford University where Maths is currently headquartered declined to respond to requests for an interview.

 

EXCLUSIVE PIC OF BRAD PITT AND MARION COTILLARD’S LOVE CHILD

HOLLYWOOD – Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard have a secret love child, the Studio Exec was able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal today.

Short weeks after the announcement of the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt, it has been revealed today that Pitt and Allied-co-star Marion Cotillard have a child together. Nothing at all is known about the child except that it is definitely the child of Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt and that they seem to be very happy. The Studio Exec learned that the couple have been desperate to keep the existence of the child an absolute secret, even going so far as to dress up in 1940s style clothing as a way of disguising themselves whenever they go outside with the baby.

Suspicions were first aroused when a video emerged on the internet earlier this week purporting to be the ‘trailer’ of a new movie by Roger Zemeckis called ‘Allied’. Expert Luffey McGivens spoke to the Studio Exec:

We’ve seen this move before and although it might be effective I have to say it isn’t very classy. What happens is you invent a movie as a cover for a secret. In the case of the Iran hostage crisis it was a science fiction film called Argo, here it’s a war thriller called Allied. Always with the letter ‘A’ notice.  No doubt Ben Affleck will direct a movie about it in twenty year’s time. And we’re supposed to fall for it!?

Allied will be released later in 2016.

ANTHONY WEINER TO PLAY DEATHSTROKE IN NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Anthony Weiner, former senator and mayoral candidate and star of the new documentary Weiner, is to play the villain Deathstroke in the new Batman movie.

Ben Affleck today revealed that Anthony Weiner would be joining him in the new stand alone Batman movie, playing the part of villain Deathstroke. Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Initially, Deathstroke was a name, a persona I used while sexting. I’d send women images of myself and suggestive messages like ‘now I’m doing the backstroke, now I’m doing front crawl and now I’m coming in for the Deathstroke, the Deathstroke baby. OH!’ Apparently, I got Ben’s number by mistake and he thought I was auditioning and he gave me the role.

Ben, however, told us that he’d had Anthony Weiner in mind all along when he was writing the script:

First of all, I was writing this part called Carlos Danger. I wondered where I was getting it from and then I realized, I was actually thinking of Weiner and Deathstroke was the next logical step. And he didn’t get the wrong number at all. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Batman v Deathstroke will be released in 2018.