OWEN WILSON’S NOSE ESCAPES

HOLLYWOOD – On all points alert has been put out for Owen Wilson’s nose, which escaped his face last night and is believed to be on its way to Mexico.

Owen Wilson – the star of Behind Enemy Lines and Night at the Museum 2 – has appealed to the public to help apprehend his nose, which yesterday escaped from his face and is believed to be heading for the southern border of the United States.

An emotional Wilson spoke briefly to the Studio Exec last night:

I can’t believe he’s gone. I mean, we were always so close. I owe him so much and I made sure that he had everything he needed, and for him to just run out on me like this… well, it’s the worst betrayal I’ve ever known. I mean I’ve heard of having a runny nose but this is ridiculous.

However, friends of Wilson’s nose have said that they were not surprised by the turn of events.

Owen Wilson has mistreated that nose more than any nasal appendage has been treated before. It gave him all his wonky quirky humor and he treated it in a way that was abusive.

Although the legal situation is unclear, the border police were on high alert and the hope that some kind of reconciliation was still high.

Owen Wilson’s Nose will be appearing in Run for your Wife on Broadway in October.

OWEN WILSON TO UNPURSE LIPS IN 2015

HOLLYWOOD – Actor and comic genius Owen Wilson is undergoing surgery that will permanently unpurse his lips by 2015.

Doctor Andrew Cardaydigan spokes EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

This is usually a very simple procedure, but Mr. Wilson unfortunately has been pursing his lips permanently ever since Bottle Rocket, Wes Anderson debut film from 1996. Since then his whole career has consisted of pursing his lips, although he did take a brief hiatus for Behind Enemy Lines, but no one actually saw that.

Is the procedure dangerous?

It shouldn’t be normally. No. But with Wilson, you see, all the muscles around his mouth, his jaw, even as far down to the muscles along his flank and groin, are braced to create this amazing expression like someone is about to sip a strong lemony drink through a straw. And those muscles because of this activity have become atrophied. There is a danger that his whole head could make a wet sucking noise and disappear into the chest so that only a shock of that lovable dirty straw mop top would be visible from what would be – admittedly – a gory neck hole.

F*ck!

Absolutely. But on the bright side, nothing can be as disgusting or abhorrent as Marley and Me.

Point taken.

Owen Wilson will next appear in True Detective Season 2 next to old pal Vince Vaughn. For more on that story click here. 

VINCE VAUGHN RETIRES

LAS VEGAS – Vince Vaughn has retired from ‘acting’, effective immediately. 

In a personal statement released by his agent Uncle Bobby, Vaughn said:

I’m sick of it. I’ve not been interested since Swingers, which was money you have to admit, but Christ since then it’s been one horrific atrocity after another. 
Vaughn cited his final decision to have been motivated by his friend and colleague Owen Wilson:

I noticed that while we were making that Internship pile of shit that Owen was becoming just like me, an unfunny chubby lump of jizzy testosterone with no comic timing or brain sense remaining. Owen used to be hilarious but he hasn’t made a truly funny film since Behind Enemy Lines. And it’s my influence. It happened to Ben Stiller after Dodgeball. I can’t do this to my friends. I can’t drag them down with me. 

Vaughn’s resignation was greet with almost universal celebration, with the exception of Jack Black who said: ‘I think Vince is hilarious.’ 

The Business Trip released in 2014 will be his last film.