MICHAEL KEATON TO RETURN AS BEETLEJUICE TO BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice and Batman.

The veteran superhero actor, Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice in a brand new Batman film. The announcement comes hot on the tail of the news that Keaton will return to play Batman in the upcoming The Flash film. Because of a multi-verse created by The Flash, Keaton will play an ageing Bruce Wayne to act as a super-mentor.

Following this news, Warner and DC have announced Keaton will also star in a multiverse standalone Batman film where he faces off against Beetlejuice. This means that the ghostly clown will be considered ‘canon’ in the DC Universe.

But the Keaton casting news doesn’t end there. Previous Keaton characters will go toe to toe in the new Batman film. Talking snowman, Jack Frost, smart talking 30s wiseguy, Johnny Dangerously and psycho landlord killer Carter Hayes from Pacific Heights will face off against his Batman in the new movie.

‘Because Keaton is playing so many characters, we’re only going to have pay about four or five actors in total.’ Said a DC insider, ‘We’ll save a fortune in actor’s fees.’

‘If this film makes money, we’ll bring back even more Keaton characters in the next film. Because of the success of Birdman, we’d be crazy not have him as another villain. We can also get him to play as many Doug Kinney clones from Multiplicity as we dare get away with. We can milk this cow for as long as we want.’

The Studio Exec asked if these announcements undermined Robert Pattinson’s upcoming stand alone Batman film.

‘Who’s Robert Pattinson? Was he that guy who was knocking one out to a nasty mermaid with the Green Goblin in a lighthouse? Hey, did Michael Keaton ever play the Green Goblin?’

The Flash goes into production early 2021.

CHRISTIAN BALE ARRESTED

MIAMI – Christian Bale was arrested at a hotel suite in Miami, Florida in the early hours of this morning following a 911 call from a man identifying himself as Michael Keaton. A spokesman for the Miami PD in a statement issued shortly after 6 AM said ‘A young Caucasian adult male who has played Batman and is not Michael Keaton, or Adam West, was arrested at his hotel room at 4.13 this morning and charged with illegal possession of property.’
The possessions that were confiscated are thought to be a box set of Season 2 of The Wire which Christian Bale is believed to have borrowed from Mr. Keaton last Christmas and has not, as yet ‘got round  to watching, though I’ve heard some really good things about it,’ as he told Rolling Stone in May. Mr. Keaton befriended Mr. Bale following his casting as Batman:

Christian called me up and asked if I had the second season of The Wire, as he’d just finished the first and was really hooked. I said sure, but I knew what he was really saying to me was come and give me advice, I want to sit at the feet of the master. The Batman.

Some have accused Mr Keaton of resenting Bale’s success in the role and entrapping him. Catherine Zeta Jones screamed at reporters: ‘That Beetlejuice asshole has always had it in for Christian.’ Some have even claimed that Mr Bale was lured to Florida, innocent of that State’s draconian DVD box set laws, which were recently buttressed with a provision allowing for chemical ‘limb-utation’ for anyone keeping a HBO series for more than two months.