KANYE WEST CAPTURED IN IKEA

SWEDEN – Kanye West, hip hop artist, fashionista and future presidential candidate, has been captured in IKEA in Almhult, Sweden.

The capture of Kanye West comes after a month long attempt by Scandinavian authorities to capture the hip hop star and keep him away from the general public. The Swedish Foreign Secretary said:

Here in Sweden we are usually extremely tolerant, but Kanye West is what you Americans call I believe a ‘blowhard’. And we have become increasingly irritated with him. It started all the way back at the VMAs when he interrupted Taylor Swift. We love Taylor Swift. And Beck. Poor Beck.

So you captured him in an IKEA?

Yes, the plan was simple. Unbeknownst to most people the original IKEAs were designed during the Second World War as a defence against the invading armies. They were basically labyrinths with furniture. It didn’t take much to retrofit an IKEA into an impassable maze and then lure Kanye with praise and money. He really doesn’t have much apparently.

And now?

Once inside the IKEA it is almost impossible to get him out. I mean we can’t go in to get him because we would get lost, so he will stay in there for the rest of his life.

You’re fucking kidding!?

No, we’re not. He will survive because of the meatballs and the salmon that we left for him on little paper plates. He will live to a ripe old age, but he will never get out and never be able to release a record ever again. Unfortunately, he will still be able to tweet.

Kanye West will be appearing in the IKEA in Almhult for the rest of his life.

KANYE WEST TELLS PAUL MCCARTNEY ‘BEYONCE WAS BEST BEATLE’

HOLLYWOOD –  Backstage at the Grammys, Kanye West blasted Paul McCartney as a talentless no-hoper who should admit publicly that Beyoncé wrote all the Beatles’ songs.

A furious Kanye West ranted for five full minutes with his face just meters from the ex-Beatles face:

You are a f*cking disgrace, and if you had any artistic integrity you would go out on that stage and admit in front of all your peers that it was Beyoncé Knowles who wrote all the best tracks on Sgt. Peppers and all the tracks on Abbey Road and not only did you not credit her the way you ought have, you even changed the name of her best album to The White Album cause you were a bunch of cracker assholes.

Shocked onlookers tried to defend the elderly rocker, arguing with Kanye that Beyonce Knowles wasn’t even born when the Beatles broke up. But the belligerent rapper became apoplectic:

That’s what makes it so galling. She manages to write all those motherf*cking songs and she hasn’t even been born yet. As a little preconceived filth thought she has more artistic integrity than all these Scientologists. And she does the Pipes of Peace and that f*cking one with the frogs, I can’t remember what it was called but it was Goddamned genius. With the f*cking frogs singing like a f*cking chorus. What the f*ck was it called? Yeezus!

The former Fab Four member told the press that he agreed with everything he said and that he hoped that Kanye West would continue to make wonderful music and that tuna fish that he liked so much that comes in the tins.

Kanye West will be next interrupting an acceptance speech at the Oscars on the 22nd of February.