NORWAY INTRODUCES TITTY CERTIFICATE

OSLO – In direct response to Sweden’s adoption of the Bechdel Test inspired certification which will warn cinema-goers of a not untypical lack of female representation, Norway have announced that in collaboration with Mr. Skin they will be offering a new ‘Titty certificate’ to assure viewers that their money won’t be wasted and titties will be visible.

In an attempt to be even-handed, cocks will be digitally added to T certificate films in order to even up the voyeuristic pleasure between the sexes. 

‘We’re using the cock Mr. Michael Fassbender wore in Shame,’ said Norway’s Minister for Culture, Thorhild Widvey.   

We asked the Minister if the Norwegians weren’t missing the whole point. After all, gender bias in films is a definite problem and the Swedes were at least trying to address it, but Torhild just kept sniggering and saying ‘cock’ and ‘titties’ and then giggling again. 

Our European film expert, Xavier Poulis offered this observation:

The Norwegians and the Swedes have hated each other for centuries and so it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. It is sad to see it being played out at the expense of such a well-meaning idea, but on the bright side there are many cinemas in America who are now looking at a similar certification process. 

You mean adopting the Bechdel test as a criteria for gauging female under-representation?

Hell no. The T certificate. Although they’ll probably looking to take on an A certificate as well.

For?

T and A? Come on.

The Bechdel Test: the Movie starring Sarah Jessica Parker will be released in 2015, certificate T. 

SARAH JESSICA PARKER SIGNS ON FOR THE BECHDEL TEST

NEW YORK – Socialite and ‘actress’ Sarah Jessica Parker has signed up for Lynne Ramsey’s The Bechdel Test

Based on the ‘Dykes to Watch Out For’ comic strip by Alison Bechdel, the film has been in development since the Eighties. One higher up at Warner Bros told the Studio Exec:

We’ve been trying to make a film that will at once highlight and redress the problem of the under representation of women in mainstream Hollywood cinema. I don’t know why it’s been so difficult getting this film off the ground, because pppffff… we really care about this and…. pfff I’m sorry and we want to do this because… pfff. we care. Sorry I have something in my throat. 

The rules of the Bechdel Test are simple. For a film to pass it must have at least two named female characters, they must talk to each other and the subject of their conversation must be something other than men. The test was recently destroyed by UK film blog Flickering Myth who published an article by Luke Owen that comprised of just three words: “Alien 3. Amazing!”

Sarah Jessica Parker seemed undeterred though:

Luke Owen’s an asshole. He set up the Bechdel test as this complete straw man so that he could knock it down and thus maintain his patriarchal hegemony bullshit. 

So where did you hear about the Bechdel test?

We were filming Sex and the City 3 with Ken Loach and he got to telling the girls all about female misrepresentation and, worst still, under representation and we all said you know what that’s bullshit. So I called my agent and we got on it.  

What will the film be about?

We’re going ironic. We have two unnamed female characters and they basically talk for two hours. And it’s all about men. You see what we’re doing?

No. 

And you know who we talk about?

No.

That asshole Luke Owen from Flickering Myth. And we are not kind.

Sex and the City 3 is due out in 2015.