MICHAEL CAINE SAYS ALL BLACK PEOPLE SHOULD GO BACK TO EUROPE

LONDON – 83 Year old actor Michael Caine has stirred controversy across the internet by speaking in an interview and letting out great wafting opinion balloons that are now floating in the upper atmosphere causing confusion among astronauts and the pilots of passenger jets.

In the full interview that we haven’t read or listened to it (I think it was the Today program) Michael Caine said something along the lines of:

All black people should go back to where they came from: Europe! The refugee crisis has been caused by faceless European bureaucrats and it doesn’t seem fair that they are demanding that they all get Oscars. I’m not going to vote for an actor to get an Oscar just because some unelected Euro-crat in Brussels says I have to because he’s an immigrant and black. I watched Idris Elba in Beast of No Nation and I thought he was great and just because he’s British and not European and a refugee from Europe I’m not allowed to vote for him. That makes no sense to me whatsoever. I mean this is racism really. It’s about time that Britain left Europe, and I don’t mean by severing political and economic ties, I mean by us all getting long wooden sticks, standing on the east coast and punting the bloody island as far into the Atlantic as Ireland would allow. I forgot about Ireland. Maybe we could go a bit South as well. The weather would be nicer for a start. Anyway these are details David Cameron can sort out later.

Twitter was outraged that the star of Zulu and Ashanti said some stuff that someone else had tweeted to them who hadn’t read the interview either. Everyone is angry and no one is happy. But at least his trending didn’t mean he’s dead, which is what (frankly) we all thought when we saw him trending – what with David Bowie and Alan Rickman and it being January and all. However, it was also revealed that Michael Caine had sneaked into Spike Lee’s house and stolen his Oscar ‘for a laugh’. Spike Lee is understandably furious and has ordered his private army of fans to ‘Get Caine!’

Michael Caine’s new book I Only Meant To Blow The Bloody Internet Up will be released on Thursday.

VENICE DIARY 2: JOHNNY DEPP

VENICE – In Venice, on the Lido, Italy – our very own Studio Exec wanders dazed among the stars and the paparazzi to bring you this latest report.

Goddamn Italian food. They stole Pizza from us. And now they steal spaghetti and meat balls too! And you cannot find a Starbucks anywhere in this God forsaken hole! Still, the fizzy grape juice is delicious. But I’m not here to talk about that I’m here to talk about the 72nd Venice Film Festival and all the films I’ve seen. Well first thing, if I had a star system (and I don’t) everything would be three stars. Nothing great, and worse still nothing completely rotten.

Beasts of No Nation: Was kind of depressing, looked beautiful, bits of savagery and  was way better than Season 2 of True Detective. Plus Idris Elba was and is amazing and should forget about James Bond and stick to acting in good films. Jesus Christ, Pierce Brosnan could play Bond and he can’t even play ping-pong.

Frankofonia: Wandering around the Louvre with Sokurov, a muttering Russian film director. It was funky but when he said: ‘It’s almost over, bear with me’ he won my first gut laugh of the festival. And it was of relief.

Looking for Grace: They find her.

Black Mass: It wanted to be a classic. It looked like a classic. But Goddamned Johnny Depp and his love affair with his Goddamned make up artist and costumer continues unabated. He looks like Nosfer-f*cking-atu. For all the talk of a comeback to serious acting, I’d like to see behind the curtain. Just once,can we have a performance from the man that doesn’t involve the word ‘unrecognizable’ in the review.

That’s it. I’m off for something they call ‘gelato’, that looks an awful like ice-cream to me.

The 72nd Venice Film Festival continues.