BRYAN CRANSTON IS THE NEW DOCTOR WHO

LONDON – After much speculation, the BBC are due to announce that Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston will replace Peter Capaldi as the lead in Doctor Who.

“We looked at many potential candidates,” said the new showrunner, Chris Chibnall.

Michael Caine expressed an interest but no company would insure him and for a while we toyed with the idea of Jean Dujardin but discovered to our surprise that he was French. Personally I like the idea of a European doctor but under British law everyone who plays the role must be able to trace their English heritage back to Alfred The Great. Fortunately we discovered a clause which allows an American born Doctor as long as his name is Bryan Cranston.

Chibnall went on to say that Cranston was never considered for the part until a late night brainstorming session in March.

We were throwing around ideas about how the regeneration would work and couldn’t figure it out. Then somebody mentioned Breaking Bad and what a great show it was and suddenly it clicked. What if Walter White was a Time Lord? He could use the Tardis as a mobile meth lab, he already has an assistant in the shape of Jesse Pinkman and they could both travel in time, doing drug deals and murdering their rivals. I mean the series practically writes itself!

Chibnall immediately got in touch with Breaking Bad creator Vince Gilligan to ask his advice:

Vince gave me some great tips. Obviously I can’t reveal what will happen but it’s going to blow people’s minds. What I will say though is that if you’ve ever wondered what Gus Fring/The Master would look like if he was resurrected from the dead using Dalek DNA, then you’re in for a treat.

Asked what the BBC’s reaction was to the idea of turning their flagship family show into a violent crime drama, Chibnall laughed:

A few concerns were raised in a meeting but then I scratched some figures down on a piece of paper estimating how much money they could make by syndicating the show. 24 hours later, they gave me 10 million pounds and bought me a yacht.

The 13th Doctor will be revealed on Sunday

AARDMAN TO MAKE A MORPH MOVIE

LONDON – Beloved British claymation character Morph is going to get his own movie, Aardman animation announced today.

Morph the Movie is coming to screens sometime next year, Aardman Animation announced. The studio that brought Wallace and Gromit to the big screen are now going into the past to resurrect one of their earliest characters. A star of children’s TV shows on the BBC, first Take Hart and Hart Beat, Morph was a pal of avuncular artist Tony Hart. Emerge from the artist’s pencil box, Morph would usually create some sort of mischief. He was later joined by Chas a far more disruptive presence. Both spoke gobbledygook and has the ability to transform into different shapes.

A synopsis of the new film reads:

Morph and the Build Up to the Iraq War will be a lighthearted satire on the Tony Blair years. Starting from the death of government scientist David Kelly, Morph and Chas get embroiled in the controversy of the so-called dodgy dossier. Unable to back up their claims of chemical weapons, Morph and his pal Chas travel to Baghdad to confront Saddam Hussein in an ill-timed attempt at diplomacy.

Morph and the Build Up to the Iraq War will be released in 2017.

THE FIRST IMAGE FROM THE CONJURING 3 RELEASED

HOLLYWOOD –  The first image The Conjuring 3 has been released onto the internet causing widespread fear and panic.

Following the success of the previous two Conjuring films, it was inevitable that there would be another installment. The Conjuring 3 sees the return of psychics Lorraine (Vera Farmiga) and Ed (Patrick Wilson) Warren, who are called back to London to investigate a possible haunting at BBC Broadcasting house.

Director James Wan spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

During the 1980s the BBC did not have 24 hour programming on the television and so a test card would be broadcast during the night and in the afternoon so that people could see that there television sets were working. The most famous of these was called Test Card F and featured a young girl playing noughts and crosses with a clown called Bubbles. What many people don’t know is that Bubbles would often wait until someone was alone in the house and if the set had been accidentally left on would come out of the television and kill his victims. Over three hundred people were murdered during the 80s and the Warrens were called in, along with several other private investigators, to solve the mystery. In the end the whole thing was covered up by the Royal family because it turned out that Bubbles had been Prince Charle’s only childhood friend.

The Conjuring 3: Horror at the BBC will be released in 2018.

TOM HARDY’S NEW TV SHOW TABOO BASED ON CARD GAME

HOLLYWOOD – The new Tom Hardy TV show Taboo is loosely inspired by the parlor game Taboo, which people play at parties that everyone wants to leave.

Tom Hardy Spoke to The Studio Exec today about his new TV show Taboo which he says is loosely inspired by the game Taboo.

Me and my old dad were sitting round one day wondering what we could do with a TV show. Steven Knight was there as well. And we got bored so we started paying a game of Taboo. We were having ourselves a right old laugh when my old fellow said, ‘Here’s an idea Thomas! Why don’t you do a TV show about this?’ What, a card game? And he said yes. I went to the khasi and when I came back Steven had treatment ready for me. One Skype call later and we had the BBC on board.

That’s amazing. So the show will be about a bunch of people guessing a word but not able to use obvious clues that are proscribed by the card?

That was the initial idea yes. But the BBC, being the BBC, had some notes.

I see. What like?

Well, they said instead of it being me, Steven and my dad playing this guessing game, it should be me coming back from Africa to take over my father’s shipping Empire.

Taboo will be broadcast on the BBC sometime this year.

NO NEW TV FOR 2017 ‘SO THAT WE CAN CATCH UP’

HOLLYWOOD – HBO, AMC, Netflix, Amazon, Showtime and Fox have all declared that absolutely no new TV shows will be broadcast in 2017.

The decision came following a meeting with the head of all the studios involved and a joint statement was issued EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec.

The thing is we’ve noticed that this year is going to be a bumper year for television with show after show maintaining an astonishingly high quality of writing, acting and production. There are in fact so many shows and so many platforms on which to watch the shows that is has come to our attention that the average American has over one hundred hours of television backlogged and there is very little chance of that backlog going away if there isn’t some kind of moratorium. So that is what we have got together and done.

The move comes after similar moves in Europe have had salutary effects on their respective populace. The BBC made no shows in the UK last year and said that people were drinking more and generally happier. In Italy no new TV shows have been produced for fifteen years and on average people live twenty years longer, if they don’t kill themselves.

What do you think of 2017 being a TV free year?

Is it enough time for you to finally watch the last five episodes of Mr. Robot?

Will you go back and finally start watching The Good Wife or Bloodlines?

Answer these questions in our comment box or I will find you and I will kill you.

47 FILMS: 16. BEDAZZLED

In our continuing series of ‘47 Films to see before you’re murdered in your dreams’, we look at Pete and Dud’s Faustian comedy Bedazzled.

Peter Cook and Dudley Moore came out of the Oxbridge comedy scene, first achieving international fame with their participation in a satirical sketch show Beyond the Fridge, with Jonathan Miller and Alan Bennett. Moore, a talented musician, was offered a show by the BBC, but he felt the need for his chum to be involved and so Not Only (Dudley Moore) But Also (Peter Cook) was born. A forerunner and inspiration for Monty Python, only a few episodes have survived due to the BBC’s foresighted policy of taping over the original recordings to save money. Bedazzled was their first movie as writers and stars. Directed by Singing in the Rain director Stanley Donen, Bedazzled is a Faustian comedy of the swinging sixties. Wimpy short order cook, Moon (Moore) is given seven wishes with which to ensnare his love, singularly unattractive  waitress Margaret (Eleanor Bron), by George Spiggot (Cook) also known as the Devil.

The format allows for seven sketches in which the Devil wittily out wits the hapless Moon by turning each wish to his own advantage and against the wisher. When Moon wants to attract Margaret to love him as a pop star, his desperate pleading song of love is outshone by the Devil’s cool number of complete indifference.  Occasionally helped by the seven deadly sins – allowing for a jaw dropping cameo by Raquel Welch as Lust – the Devil is a sly ironic prankster, delighting in causing petty discomfort and with a pleasantly jaded view of the Brave New World of 1967. There’s nothing as sharp as their later manifestation of Derek and Clive, but Bedazzled is brilliantly clever and ceaselessly witty with both Moore and Cook at their best. Of course, Moore would go on to a kind of stardom that evaded the less camera friendly Cook, but his fans can at least satisfy themselves with Elizabeth Hurley’s wonderful impression of him in the remake of 2000.

For more of our 47 Films to See Before You’re Murdered in Your Dreams, Click HERE.

DAMIAN LEWIS CONFIRMED TO PLAY DONALD TRUMP

NEW YORK – Today Donald Trump announced that he was allowing Damian Lewis to play him in a new biopic of his life, provisionally entitled: Trump Towers.

News came shortly after Donald Trump announced he was running for the Presidency. He told reporters in the atrium of Trump Tower:

Damian Lewis is a very talented actor and I’m sure he’ll bring to the screen the intricate complexity of my character, whether it’s the nuances of me as a young asshole making a load of money and rising from the ranks of humble millionaires, to the reality TV show asshole telling idiots they’re fired. Or the new latest iteration of me the asshole candidate for President of the United States of America.

British actor Damian Lewis first made a name for himself in the HBO series Band of Brothers. His career has continued to make waves on US television with his portrayal of Marine Sgt. Nicholas Brody in Showtime’s Homeland, starring alongside Claire Danes and in Britain with the BBC show Wolf Hall in which he played Henry VIII.

He came into the Studio Exec bungalow to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new role:

Of course, it will be a challenge. I think the key to Donald Trump has to be the hair and I know that Donald has a whole basement full of blind Peruvian children weaving it as we speak. Authenticity will be the key and they will make me the best and most convincing wig you’ll ever see.

What about reports that have named you as the new 007?

[With tears standing out in his eyes] I don’t think Donald would like that.

Trump Towers will be written and directed by Donald Trump himself. ‘I’ve already finished the screenplay, the first draft was perfection and so that’s the final draft as well,’ said Trump. ‘I know a lot of people are just waiting for me to fall on my big fat stupid looking face, but I can tell them now that is not going to happen. Damian is going to make me look great and everyone will worship me. It will be the first film that I will watch in the White House. You can mark my words.’

In a Homeland reunion it has also been revealed that Ivana Trump will be played by Claire Danes.

Trump Towers will be released in 2016. 

DAVID FINCHER PLANS EASTENDERS FOR HBO

 LONDON – David Fincher‘s relentless pursuit of good ideas, no matter where it takes him, continues with the announcement that his production company has bought the rights to British soap opera EastEnders which he will convert into a 13 part HBO series with a big name cast.

Following on from the success of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo and House of Cards, Fincher has been channel surfing when not sending his winged monkeys to Scandinavia with their large sticky nets. Although originally in a bidding war with ABC for Coronation Street, Fincher finally succeeded in securing the rights to EastEnders and promised a top quality adult themed drama with top end star power and high production values.

‘It’ll be like Desperate Housewives,’ said Mr. Panic Room. ‘But the house wives will be British, have bad teeth and be really desperate. Like Desperately Sad Housewives. Hey you know Chico, write that down.’

Jude Law has already been cast as Dirty Den, and says he’s delighted and has perfected his German accent especially. Julianne Moore is in talks to play Angie and Tom Hiddleston will play carrot top Ian.

Five things to know about the BBC’s EastEnders.


  1. It’s set in London but not in the West End of London, nor the North, nor the South, but the East End.
  2. Traditionally EastEnders is thoroughly miserable, except at Christmas when it is traditionally extra super fucking miserable with at least one major cast member killing themselves. David Fincher praised the soap opera’s ‘unflinching stare into the abyss of British life’. 
  3. The theme music has been named by the Metropolitan Police as a major cause of Urban Crime. 
  4. Cast members have been known to run away to the army in order to avoid being in future episodes. One famous ‘actor’, Ross Kemp, even tried to get himself killed in Afghanistan.
  5. The new David Fincher series will be relocated to Hawaii. The East End of Hawaii.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT JEREMY CLARKSON

LONDON – Jeremy Clarkson – long running host of the BBC’s Top Gear franchise – looks set to be fired for a fracas with a producer, but what do we really know about the bubble permed prima donna.

We sent the Studio Exec FACT squad motoring around the English countryside to find out the FACTS about the errant presenter.

1. Jeremy Clarkson wasn’t always irritating. Their was a time in 1988 when he was watchable, affable, knowledgable and perfectly likeable presenter of TV show about cars. That period ended in 1989.

2. Clarkson started life as a door to door salesman of cuddly toys, based on the Paddington bear character. He impressed customers by taking the bears for test drives up and down the road in front of the house. In his native town of Rotherham, Mr. Clarkson broke sales records by selling three Paddington Bear toys in one month, for the sum of £7.

3. As well as being a top class presenter and an expert in all things motoring, Clarkson is also an erudite writer, publishing a series of postmodern novels in which he writes in a first person persona named Clarkson and spews all sorts of ludicrous nonsense as a satire on self-satisfied right wing stupidity. The World According to Clarkson and Round the Bend are the apotheosis of British literary fiction in the last half century.

4. Clarkson lives with his best friends James May and Richard Hammond in a house designed on that used in the Monkees TV series. They often swap clothes and pull hilarious pranks on each other, such as leaving a bucket of cold water balanced precariously above a half opened door and then calling for help.

5. Controversy has been a constant presence in the passenger seat of the life of Clarkson. While filming a Top Gear special in Argentina, Clarkson, May and Hammond captured a local man, amputated the man’s leg and then tricked him into eating it as a ‘joke’. Other incidents include firing on striking workers, drowning a dog, punching a line producer in the ankle and referring to anyone who isn’t Jeremy Clarkson ‘black’. It recently was revealed that the motoring journalist can’t actually drive and is so ignorant of cars that he frequently struggles to get into them, usually going through the trunk and over the back seat.

For more FACTS click HERE.

DAD’S ARMY MOVIE REBOOT: FIRST LOOK

LONDON – The movie reboot of much loved BBC sit-com Dad’s Army has released the first picture EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec which shows stars Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone in the roles of Captain Mainwaring and Sergeant Wilson.

For those unfamiliar with the show, Dad’s Army follows the adventures of an inept platoon of the British ‘Home Guard’ tasked with defending England from a possible German invasion in the midst of World War Two. An essentially English affair, Schwarzenegger and Stallone are both adamant that they will adopt convincing British accents and they are joined by other Hollywood big hitters Catherine Zeta Jones as a glamorous journalist and Mel Gibson who will dust off his Scottish accent to play the role of the fiery Scot, Frazer.

Director Oliver Parker told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Initially we were going to go with Michael Gambon and Tom Courtenay, both marvelous actors, but then Stallone got in touch and he revealed that he and Arnie were huge fans of the original show and wanted to take part. Once I saw The Expendables 3 I knew we could do it. Essentially with The Expendables franchise they were already making an American version of Dad’s Army, or Granddad’s Army perhaps! Ha ha! Actually don’t print that.

Dad’s Army is only the latest in a stream of Hollywood movies based on Brit Sit-Coms, the others being Tommy Lee Jones long gestating Are You Being Served? and a star studded ‘re-imagining’ of Last of the Summer Wine.

Dad’s Army will be released in 2016.
Image courtesy of @perspectivator.

NICK NOLTE IN LAST OF THE SUMMER WINE

HOLMEFIRTH – Last of the Summer Wine news keeps on coming following the teaser posters for Robert Redford’s new film, issued last week. The latest shows the legendary Nick Nolte in the role of Norman Clegg, a part made famous by Peter Sallis in the original Roy Clarke BBC sitcom.

Nolte – a notoriously difficult actor – was almost kicked off the film when he repeatedly punched Robert Redford during their scenes together. An insider on set told the Studio Exec exclusively:

He said that it was all part of his method but in actual fact Nolte kept laughing every time he did and kept muttering something about hating Downhill Racer. It turned out Nolte had wanted to do a film called Slalom, but the release of Redford’s skiing movie essentially torpedoed Nolte’s project.

Last of the Summer Wine will be released in 2015.

THE BBC SAY 3D ‘IS SHIT’

LONDON – In a change of policy, the British Broadcasting Corporation – popularly known as the BBC – has decided to discontinue supporting 3D programming content for its viewers, citing a lack of interest and the fact that 3D ‘is shit.’

The full BBC statement reads:

The British Broadcasting Corporation (which is us) has decided that from this time and henceforth its programming – that is to say our programming – shall remain resolutely positioned in good old fashioned meat and potatoes 2D, and not in James Cameron’s new-fangled, bespectacled 3D twaddle. We at first experimented with the new 3D format thinking that we would look trendy and get more girls (and boys) to tune in. However, we have decided on reflection that we were embarrassing everyone else and most of all ourselves, like a drunken middle aged uncle body-popping at his niece’s wedding. Moreover, it has recently come to our attention that 3D is shit. We mean to say it gives you a headache, and when you do notice it, it takes you right out of what you’re watching.  

The BBC also issued an audio stream along with the statement that sounded like a lot of middle aged executives making raspberry noises with their mouths.  

The BBC will be released in 2017.