SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS BRUCE LEE

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Bruce Lee.

Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Dame Edna Everage, you can’t throw a boomerang on a film set these days without it hitting an Australian.

Dear little Barry Luhrman even made a picture about them called William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but years ago you couldn’t get an Australian actor for love nor money.

Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was fine for a frothy romantic comedy, but put him in a costume drama and he stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb. Admittedly his Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudicewas the exception to the rule, but I still thought you could see his tail.
My favourite Australian actor was a lovely chap called Bruce. He did a lot of these martial arts movies, and when he wasn’t giving one of the extras a roundhouse to the face you couldn’t hope to meet a nicer chap. I used to visit him on set and he’d be having a barbecue with Charlie Norris, but as soon as the director shouted ‘action’ he’d jump up and start kicking everything in sight. That was Bruce for you!
He cleverly masked his Australian accent by getting a lot of his dialogue dubbed, and to this day I don’t think that people ever really knew that he came from the Land Down Under.
He showed me his nunchucks once, but that’s another story… 

KUNG FU REMAKE

MELBOURNE – Moulin Rouge and Great Gatsby director Baz Luhrmann – everyone’s favorite subtlist – is set to direct the Kung Fu remake.

The original series ran from 1972 to 1975 and starred David Carradine as the wandering Caine (AKA Grasshopper), who wanders the West dispensing Eastern justice and searching for his long lost half brother.  The current script is by Black Swan writer John McLaughlin but according to a source close to Mr. Luhrmann ‘doesn’t feature enough dancing’.
Legendary Pictures, who are developing the project, have already stated that the action of the film version will be moved to China ‘for purposes of money authenticity’. An insider told us:

Luhrmann is a perfect fit. He is kinetic and vibrant and let’s face it he’s rubbish when it comes to drama. This kind of kitschy stuff is more up his alley.

Jason Statham and Leonardo di Caprio have already expressed interest in the role, but it is understood that Jonah Hill is currently Luhrmann’s preferred choice.   

Kung Fu remake will be released in 2017.

BAZ LUHRMANN TOLD TO SHUT THE F*CK UP

 HOLLYWOOD – The movie industry is in a state of shock as yesterday Baz Luhrmann was told to ‘shut the f*ck up’ by an exec (not this one) in a pre-production meeting.

Actor and sharp faced Aussie, Guy Pearce was in the meeting and spoke with the Studio Exec:

I’m still shaking, feel my arm. That’s not acting mate; although I can do that easy. Have you seen my acting?

Yes, it’s good. Good acting. So what happened with Baz?

Bazza was going through some pre-viz shots for his Citizen Kane remake, just a standard montage with 356 shots per second with a kick ass Pussy Cat Dolls album track and lots of zooms, like whoooooooosh and wheeeeeeee. And he starts talking about his vision for the movie when this guy just ups and says ‘SHUT THE F*CK UP!’

Jesus.

I was confused at first. I looked like this [pulls confused face]. That’s just me acting by the way, I’m not confused now. This is the kind of face I did sometimes in Memento, have you seen that?

Yes Guy, it’s good. So what happened next?

I think I fainted, I’m not proud of it. I came up on the Australian soap circuit and I’ve heard my fair share of trash talk, but this was a whole new level. He told him to ‘shut the f*ck up!’

What’s the latest from the hospital, do they think Baz will pull through?

He’s in some kind of coma. Far gone, and he looks like he’s aged about 40 years! not unlike the character I played in Prometheus. Have you seen that?

Ye…no, no didn’t catch that. I was out of the country at the time.

I have a copy right here! Look, [pulls DVD from inside pocket]. I was going to play it for Baz, you know, just in case he can hear it in whatever realm he’s in. But we could watch it right here, right now!

Well I don’t think I have the…

Done deal mate…sit back, relax. It’s the extended edition too. Boy are you in for a treat.

BAZ LUHRMANN TO DIRECT WAR+PEACE

MELBOURNE – Baz Luhrmann has announced he is to direct a new cinematic version of the Russian classic Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace, starring Hugh Jackman as Pierre Bezhukov and Nicole Kidman as Natasha Rostova.

The Strictly Ballroom director said:

I’ve done Shakespeare, definitively with Romeo + Juliet, adding that plus sign just to show I’m not afraid of the bald bastard. I’ve mastered F. Scott Fitzgerald with everyone bar none agreeing my Great Gatsby was a million times better than his ruddy novella. I’ve even done an entire bloody continent with Australia, where I was so bold I cast Nicole as a bloody Pom. So what’s left for me to do? Who can rise to the challenge of being worthy of the Luhrmann? Bazzer the boy? Eh? Eh? It was either Fifty Shades of Grey or Tolstoy and they wanted a Sheila to do the former so I got lumped with beardy.

What changes can we expect?

None. None whatsoever. I’ve decided to be entirely faithful to the book. I know this is a departure for me but on reading the book, or at least on reading the first few pages cause it’s bloody long and Candy Crush isn’t going to play itself, I thought to myself: this is fairly impressive. He’s no J.K: Rowling but he can write a bit this old Ruskie. So I reckon I’ll keep true to the ‘spirit’ of the book, very closely. 

Robin Williams will take the part of Napoleon and the music will be provided by a host of contemporary stars of the music scene, including Pharrel Williams, Ke$ha and Jay-Z.

Leo Tolstoy’s Hip + Hop will be released in 2015.

REMAKE WATCH: CITIZEN KANE














HOLLYWOOD – Today it was announced that Baz Luhrmann is set to direct a remake of Orson Welles’ classic Citizen Kane. The Aussie director is said to be looking forward to the challenge.

Finally, I get to sort this mess of a film out now I’ve finished fixing Gatsby. First of all, the problem with Citizen Kane is that it’s boring. It’s in black and white and the soundtrack stinks. But I can sort that all out, I’ll get my mates Jay-Z and Will.I.Am to do the music. we’ll shoot in 3D, and in color for Christ’s sake. I had similar problems with The Great Gatsby, it was all just words and characters and shit, so I just focused on the partying for the movie version and I think it’s better for it.

Luhrmann will also be changing Charles Foster Kane from a newspaper publisher to a more contemporary businessman. Will Smith will play the character in this update, as a multimillionaire record producer who throws parties every weekend, with son Jaden playing him as a boy. Jada Pinkett Smith will play both Kane’s first wife, Emily, and long-suffering second wife, Susan. Tobey Maguire has signed up to play the role of Jedediah Leland, the best friend of Charles Foster Kane and co-producer at Rosebud Records.

Will Smith told the Studio Exec’s Hank Eisenstein why he decided to take on this project.

I don’t think the public are aware of this as I keep this close to my chest, but it makes me truly happy when it’s not just me in the family earning the dough, so I like to get jobs for my wife and kids. Baz’s ideas for this film are just crazy, and I mean in a Wild Wild West and After Earth kinda crazy, in the fact that nobody expected these films to get made, but I’m like, challenge accepted. Unfortunately, Willow can’t be involved in the project as I have her recording three albums and writing a script for the I Robot musical I’m planning.


Citizen Kane 3D will premiere in Cannes in 2015

CANNES DIARY: DAY 2

CANNES – To say it rained is like saying Hitler enjoyed European travel. I’m saying that to say it rained is an  understatement. I mean it rained a lot more than just saying it rained properly describes. Oh f*ck you. It rained. Cote d’azure my ass. 

There were umbrella vendors doing stiff business outside the Palais, but a word to the wise, they have a special price which is 50% lower than the original and if you say ‘The Exec  sent me’ you get a special 75% discount, so do it.


Still the festival authorities were abiding by the traditional idea of showing the films indoors (except for the screen on the beach, but the traditional idea there is for it to be cancelled.) Gatbsy was exactly what everyone expected. No boos, no cheers, just a deafening m’eh. Heli was the only other film I got to see, a tough Mexican drama with scenes of unflinching cruelty. Alicante is a superb director, who avoids the clichés of social realism and … what the f*ck? You see what happens when you queue next to Peter Bradshaw of the Manchester Guardian.

Last night was also party night, despite the rain and I watched Baz Luhrmann dancing. He’s surprisingly good, given his films are like watching a ‘with it’ uncle dance at your fourteenth birthday party. Tobey Maguire was walking around with a huge grin. Never has so much been earned by someone with so little talent. ‘I can’t believe,’ he said laughing to himself. Nice guy. Joel Edgerton was doing his comedy Australian accent. At least, I think it was supposed to be funny. Maybe he’s preparing for a film role.

REVIEW: THE GREAT GATSBY












The guy who died in Romeo and Juliet and Titanic is back – and this time he’s brought Spiderman. Nick Carraway (Tobey Maguire) lives next to eccentric enigmatic millionaire, Jay Gatsby (Leonardo di Caprio). We know he’s enigmatic because everyone keeps telling us he is. 

He throws swell parties and pals around with Spidey for a while but only because he wants to get into the Jazz pants of Carey ‘Fragile Rose’ Mulligan.

Of course, Baz Luhrmann is a great visual artist, but the problem with someone being a visionary is everything looks the same. He makes the Jazz Age into the Jizz Age, with a New York lifted from the Phantom Menace and a soundtrack from someone’s iPod. The 3D makes you feel as if you are really there, sitting in a cinema with a large pair of glasses on, watching a dull film. Add to this that Tobey Maguire, possibly the least interesting man who has ever lived, reads huge chunks of Fitzgerald’s text in a Mr. Bean like drone over the often silly images.


Five Stars. *****

CANNES DIARY: DAY 1

CANNES – In the first of a series of diaries the Studio Exec dishes the crap from the Croisette; asks Cannes he use Cannes as a pun? (answer: Yes, he Cannes) and gives you the skinny on the most prestigious and most important international film festivals now in its 66th edition.


Day One. 

The journey began badly in Los Angeles; got worse in Detroit; got a little bit better over the Atlantic Ocean; took a real nose dive in Amsterdam; and finally shipped me up on the shores of the Cote Azure at a little airport in a town called Nice (yeah, no, I did that). I was tired and a little jet lagged but luckily Baz Luhrmann was there to welcome me. ‘I’m honored,’ I told him, but it turns out he’s welcoming everyone to Cannes personally. Part of his penitence for having premiered The Great Gatsby at New York BEFORE it opened in Cannes.

After Baz dropped me off at my hotel and headed back off to the airport, I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and weep liked a wounded animal. That has little or nothing to do with you and it would anyway take too long to explain, but this is a diary so there’s going to be some extraneous shit in here. 

I just had time for a quick snack: a vegetarian steak tartar and a glass of whisky that seemed to have been poured by someone with a stern belief in Homeopathy. I got chatting with a fine Australian colleague who told me that Mad Max: Fury Road was a fun shoot. Apparently, it rained so much they couldn’t use the desert and had to ship everything to Namibia. ‘The post-apocalyptic wasteland looked like Little House on the F*cking Prairie,’ says he. Told me also that Baz in Baz Luhrmann stands for Barry and not Balthazar as I’ve heard him tell everyone in Los Angelese. 

CANNES LINE UP INCLUDES MICHAEL BAY AND EMMERICH

PARIS – At midday today in Paris, the line up for the 66th Cannes Film Festival was announced and there were some genuine surprises among the films battling it out on the Croisette.

The inclusion of such American blockbusting directors as Michael Bay, Roland Emmerich and Gore Verbinski will raise a few Gallic eyebrows. Not to mention comedy kings, Frank Coraci and Shawn Levy muscling their way towards the Palme d’Or. 
Click down to read the full list.

IN COMPETITION

Opening Film
Baz LUHRMANN
THE OKAY-ISH GATSBY (H.C.)
1h45
***
Michael  BAY
PAIN AND GAIN
1h44
Frank CORACI
UNTITLED ADAM SANDLER
1h45
Paul FIEG
THE HEAT
2h05
Roland EMMERICH
WHITE HOUSE DOWN
2h
Amat ESCALANTE
WON’T WIN
1h45
Asghar FARHADI
LE PASSÉ (TRANSLATORS DON’T GET PAID ENOUGH)
2h10
James GRAY
THE IMMIGRANT
2h
Mahamat-Saleh HAROUN
GRIGRIS
1h40
JIA Zhangke
TIAN ZHU DING
(I FART IN YOUR MOUTH)
2h15
KORE-EDA Hirokazu
SOSHITE CHICHI NI NARU
(SEE WHAT I CAN DO?)
2h
Shawn LEVY
THE INTERNSHIP
3h07
Takashi MIIKE
WARA NO TATE
(4TH FILM THIS YEAR)
2h05
François OZON
JEUNE ET FRENCHIE
1h30
Alexander PAYNE
NOT AS GOOD AS ELECTION
1h50
Roman POLANSKI
WHAT IS YOUR EXTRADITION POLICY?
1h30
Steven SODERBERGH
LAST FILM EVER (I PROMISE)
1h58
Paolo SORRENTINO
LA GRANDE BELLEZZA
(WE WANT MORE MONEY)
2h30
Gore VERBINSKI
THE LONE RANGER
1h58

BREAKFASTS WITH ASSHOLES: 10. LEONARDO DI CAPRIO

HOLLYWOOD – As I approach Leonardo Di Caprio‘s door I can hear a voice coming from within. I don’t ring the bell straight away. I lean close and hear clearly a voice shouting, ‘It puts the lotion in the basket or it gets the hose again.’ I smile.

Leo, Leo. Up to your old tricks again.
And I ring the bell.


Di Caprio looks startled to see me, but his face breaks into a huge fixed grin. He’s wearing the rubber apron he often wears at home. ‘Oh, hi,’ he says. ‘We’re supposed to be having breakfast, right?’

Leo stops to close the door to the cellar and then guides me into the kitchen, where we set about some wonderful toasted home made bread with a lovely pâté and some blood orange juice.

So Leo, The Great Gatsby?

I love the book. I loved the character. I thought this film needs a visionary director who knows how to handle moral ambiguity and nuance, as well as provide the screen with a sumptuous visual spectacle. Unfortunately, Marty was busy so we got lumbered with Baz Luhrmann!

But surely Luhrmann’s a fine director!?

That’s what I thought but just before we started filming I saw Australia, not the country, the film. What a piece of shit. Again, not the country, the film.

It wasn’t his finest…

It was dog shit is what it was. Yikes! Do you like the dolphin pâté?

Is that what it is? It’s mmm. I didn’t think you’d eat dolphin pâté.

What? You think I’m too cheap. Only the best for the Sternburger.

No. Because of your environmental beliefs.

Oh those. Nah. I don’t bother with those any more. I watched an episode of Jersey Shore once and I thought, fuck the planet and fuck everything. Plus dolphins might be highly intelligent animals but they’re also delicious.

And next up Django Unchained. Was it difficult for you to play the villain?

(Laughs freakishly for ten full minutes) Yes. I suppose. Yes. It was. Really (laughing) difficult. Uh huh.

You have become the most consistently interesting American actor of your generation. How?

I’d say it’s always down to my choice of the material and the director. Each one has his different style and you have to adapt to that style but at the same time remain true to your own performance. So Quentin is very verbal and he wants a certain largeness. Marty is into the character. Eastwood on J. Edgar just spent all his time talking like off to one side and I realised he was actually giving his instructions to the set. 

And what about Baz Luhrmann?

But Di Caprio begins again with the disconcerting laughing. As I leave I he’s tightening his apron and putting on what look like night vision goggles. He waves a cleaver at me as he opens the cellar door. No doubt he is researching a character. What a pro!

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BAZ LUHRMANN’S GREAT GATSBY: ‘BETTER THAN THE BOOK’











SYDNEY – The long awaited adaptation of F. Scott Fitzgerald’s superb novel The Great Gatsby is to be released in 2013, and stars Leonardo di Caprio as the eponymous Gatsby, Spiderman as Nick Carraway and Carey Mulligan as Daisy Buchanan. But Baz Luhrmann has had a sneak preview and has announced to the world that it is “Better than the book.”

“We are all great fans of the book…” said the Moulin Rouge and Australia creator, “…But the film is much better. I mean, what is a book after all, it’s like words and then there are punctuation marks and then someone has written ‘irony?’ in the margin. Whereas my film has music and like babes, and Leo. I mean, Leo.”

Luhrmann had made similar claims when promoting Romeo + Juliet; stating Shakespeare was a bald creep who knew nothing about the three act structure: “He uses five acts!” Criticisms he later used on an early uncredited draft of Anonymous. 

Luhrmann, speaking today, said:

It’s an evolution really. First you have cave paintings and then you have plays, poetry, books and then pop up books. Then films, and then 3D films which are to films what pop up books are to films. The Great Gatsby was all right as a book, but this is going to be great. Just like I did with Romeo+Juliet and just as I did with Australia, which was tit high better than the continent.