THE BATMAN THE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – With the release of Matt Reeves’ The Batman, the review is here. The Studio Exec delves into what worked well and didn’t work so well in THE BATMAN THE REVIEW.

Holy Shoegazing Batman!

Thankfully, The Batman spares us yet another origin story. If you’re going in to this film unaware Bruce Wayne’s parents were killed yada-yada-yada, then congratulations on living on a desert island for the last 50 years and maybe this film might be a bit much for your introduction into post studio-system cinema. Perhaps try Bonnie and Clyde, and then work your way up from there. But we join our caped crusader as he investigates a mysterious murder at the invitation of Jeffrey Wright’s Lieutenant Gordon. The murder is gruesome and there clues aplenty, even a riddle or two. And as he leaves the scene the cheery Nirvana ditty Something In The Way strikes up. The mood is set.

Holy Floppy Hair!

Robert Pattinson’s Bruce Wayne is a billionaire emo who is sad. We can tell he is sad by the angle he holds his head and how he walks, like a teenager who has been told to be home by midnight and not to spend all night standing outside that 7-Eleven smoking Marlboro Golds all night long.

Holy Imperial March!

The music and score is wonderful, but the main theme’s melody owes a great deal to the Star Wars Imperial March, which can be a little distracting. As the music plays you expect to see a completely different black cape clad iconic character emerge from the darkness.

Holy Sore Throat!

Most of the male characters in the movie are attempting to out-do Pattinson’s rough sounding Batvoice except for all of the lower ranked ‘toughs’ and ‘hoods’ who all sound like they’ve been plucked straight from Rocksteady’s Batman: Arkham series of games.

Holy Bang For Your Buck!

The action set pieces are spectacular and this version of the Batmobile is wonderful. It’s no indestructible Tumbler as in Nolan’s trilogy, but that makes it all the more thrilling to see it in action. The fight scenes are brutal and bone crunching. And the villains’ gallery is well populated with turns by Colin Farrell as The Penguin, John Turturro as Carmine Falcone. Paul Dano reprises his Prisoners role as The Riddler. Zoe Kravitz does all she can with what she’s given as Catwoman, but more could have been made of her character. And why does it always have to be ‘sexy skin-tight Halloween costume’? Why not a practical boiler suit and steel toed flat boots? Oh well.

 

Holy Summary!

There is more than a whiff of Fincher’s Seven in the art design, which is no bad thing and Pattinson is likely to develop nicely in future outings. So, pretty good if you like that kind of thing. Now let’s all funk it out to Prince’s Batdance.

The Batman Is Currently In Cinemas EVERYWHERE!

ALAN SMITHEE BECOMES THE RESIDENT DCEU DIRECTOR

EXCLUSIVE – Warner Bros have announced Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director for all DCEU movies going forward. As Alan Smithee becomes the resident DCEU director, we spoke to the infamous movie helmer to discuss this deal.

 

Alan, Thank You For Joining Us.

No problem at all. I want my fee up front for this. Or I don’t take off my disguise.

I Was Going To Ask About Your Groucho Marx Glasses And Moustache?

Look, the thing is, I’m famous for making bullshit movies. If you want something to bomb, you know who you gotta come to. You got a star that’s imploding, or no script as you head into production? I’m your guy. If the money’s right, I can even take a sure fire hit and direct it into the dirt. I’ll turn a money making blockbuster into The Green Lantern any day of the week. And those fucking Snyder obsessives know that. To be honest, they’ll hate on anyone that aint Zack, but if they see me, I’m in trouble. So hence the Groucho glasses.

Are You Directing All DCEU Movies From Now On?

Yep. The thing is, they tried your James Wans, Patty Jenkinses and of course Zack Snyders and paid them a shit load of money. But the great thing about me is, I’m cheap as shit. You know exactly what you’re gonna get with me. It’ll be a steaming turd of a film. But then again, most of them have been anyway.

So Warner Bros Know These Films Will Be Bad?

Yeah sure, that’s the beauty of it. If everyone knows it’s gonna be a shit show, we can cut our budget accordingly. We’ll make enough green out of those obsessive Snyderverse cult members who only go to piss their pants on Twitter about how shit it is. But who cares?! We’ll take any dumb motherfucker’s money. And if need be, I’ll have my name removed from the credits.

But Doesn’t Your Name Mean That’s Already Happened?

Eh? What the hell are you talking about?

Alan Smithee Begins Shooting The Green Lantern Vs Brainiac Next Spring

ZACK SNYDER NEWS ABSENCE ANGERS ZACK SNYDER

With a recent Zack Snyder news absence, Zack Snyder has unleashed a scathing attack on the mainstream media for leaving him out of the headlines. The Zack Snyder news absence, according to Zack Snyder is an attempt by those in power to silence his ‘totally awesome artistic voice’, and prevent the public from seeing his, ‘totally bitching ass-kicking movies’. The Exec spoke with Zack Snyder earlier:

 



So you’re unhappy about the Zack Snyder news absence?

 


You’re damned straight I aint happy about the Zack Snyder news absence. Did you know I haven’t trended on Twitter for nearly two weeks? Da fuck is that about man?

 

 

Is there any Zack Snyder news? Any new announcements?

 


Who the hell do you think you are? You don’t come at me with all your questions trying to justify why Zack Snyder aint numero uno in the news. It’s the mainstream media man, they’re against old Zack. Because they can’t handle the darkness of my movies and ass-kicking, totally bitchin’ action scenes. Oh, and the rain, they can’t handle all the slo-mo rain.

 


Would you say your style has rubbed some people up the wrong way?

 


Look, the way I see it is that my style is too in their face. They all want Richard Donner’s Superman. Fuckin’ do good hippies. That’s all well and good for the 70s and 80s but this is 2021 man. Because Superman is hench, with friggin’ Vegas zombies, man. There’s undead Tigers running around chewing your face off, man.

 


So what projects do you have coming up?

 


Check this out… friggin’ Zombie Batman (Ben Affleck) is captured by the Zombie Joker (Jared Leto) who then makes him fight a Zombie Tiger. It’ll all be narrated by Gerrard Butler… who’s a zombie.

 


You’ve run out of ideas, haven’t you?

 


Just shut up and pass me the Adderall.

 


Zombie Batman Vs Zombie Tigers starts shooting later this year… perhaps.

MARVEL BUY UP BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel buy up Batman and the rights to the DCU super detective in a shocking legal development.

The decision came from Warner Brothers in a bid to recoup losses on the recent financial disaster, The Justice League and then spunking $80million more on the 4 hour bum-numbathon, Snyder Cut. This prompted the move from Warner that meant Marvel buy up Batman. Kevin Feige confirmed the move in an exclusive interview he gave The Studio Exec Bungalow HQ.

Kevin, thanks for coming to the bungalow:

My pleasure man, you guys sure got a sweet set up here. I never knew the bungalow had a secret cave with a fireman’s pole. Sweet. But no worries, I can keep a secret.

Anyway, can you tell us about the property you have purchased?

Fricken right I can. We just bought Batman from those stupid, emo mother fuckers DC Warner. Their books have really hit the shit-can lately. They splurged a load of money on The Justice League and that Snyder Cut and they got fuck all return on it. Warners had to make some green pretty quick, and not the kind that carries a lantern, know what I mean. They sure as shit weren’t going to make any from their movies so they sold Bruce Wayne to us. Holy kerching Batman!

Wow. That’s quite a shock.

With Stark dead, we needed another narcissist billionaire and he seems like a good fit. We’ll need to get some colour on the guy, that’s for sure. We’re thinking of going with bright yellow and green.

A bright yellow Batman?

You betcha, and we’ll stop all his moping around about his parents. None of that Martha shit in the MCU. He’s going to be more like a super-rich cool surfer dude. Think Richard Branson in bright yellow spandex who fights crime, but isn’t a posh sounding, self-publicising bell-end of course.

How will Batman fit into the MCU?

We see him as a sidekick to Antman and The Wasp. Put the funny guys together. Maybe some homo-erotic subtext, we want to remain true to Batman after-all. It could be quite a groovy love triangle with Ant Man, The Wasp and Batman. We’re thinking of new villains like The Ant-Eater, The Hedgehog and The Wind Farmer.

The Wind Farmer? Why?

Wind farms really fuck with bats at night, it’s terrible. I saw a YouTube video all about it. Fucking heartbreaking when you think about it. Those poor little bats.

The big question is who will play the Marvel Batman?

Jim Parsons. He’s tall, dark and no longer tied up with The Big Bang Theory. He’d be perfect. He has that simmering strength, and he has the gravitas to deliver those immortal words, ‘I’m Batman, EXCELSIOR!’

More on this story as we get it.

WARNER DC ANNOUNCE JAMES CAMERON TO DIRECT BATMEN

HOLLYWOOD – Warner DC have announced a new film called Batmen that will tie up all the different versions of Batman currently in production.

The new film, Batmen as announced by Warner DC, will finally see Robert Pattinson’s Batman share the screen with Ben Affleck, Michael Keaton and Christian Bale, directed by Mr. Titanic James Cameron.

A Warner insider told us:

We have so many Batman incarnations in production at the moment that we figured, why the hell not? So we just threw them all on the table. Then we drove trucks of money up to Pattinson, Affleck, Keaton and Bale’s homes and magically, they agreed. Because Batman is so popular, there’s no way we can lose money on this one. Just imagine all of the toys.

James Cameron is on board and is very excited:

This will be the start of what we are proud to call ‘The Batverse’. If that crap can work for Spiderman and those oh so colourful people at Marvel, then why can’t it work for us? It’ll be like The Odd Couple, but in a Batcave and four of them instead of two, but you get the idea. Affleck will be like Walter Matthau but in a cape and cowl, he’ll be the big burly, grumpy one. Keaton will be like Jack Lemmon, always trying to tidy up all the Batarangs left lying around. Pattinson will be like their kid, or something and Bale will just hang around in the shadows, shouting, ‘Where is she?!’

The cast is impressive. “We’ve also bought the rights to Adam West’s voice work on Family Guy and he’ll play the voice of the Bat Computer,” said Cameron. “We’ll have Joaquin Phoenix wheeling Jack Nicholson around and Jared Leto will just post boxes of shit to everyone. Two Face will now be Four Face with Aaron Eckhart and Tommy Lee Jones looking like Zaphod Beeblebrox. This thing writes itself.”

Cameron promised to work on the film just as soon as his latest Avatar film is released. 

Batmen goes into production in 2030.

MICHAEL KEATON TO RETURN AS BEETLEJUICE TO BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice and Batman.

The veteran superhero actor, Michael Keaton is to reprise his role of Beetlejuice in a brand new Batman film. The announcement comes hot on the tail of the news that Keaton will return to play Batman in the upcoming The Flash film. Because of a multi-verse created by The Flash, Keaton will play an ageing Bruce Wayne to act as a super-mentor.

Following this news, Warner and DC have announced Keaton will also star in a multiverse standalone Batman film where he faces off against Beetlejuice. This means that the ghostly clown will be considered ‘canon’ in the DC Universe.

But the Keaton casting news doesn’t end there. Previous Keaton characters will go toe to toe in the new Batman film. Talking snowman, Jack Frost, smart talking 30s wiseguy, Johnny Dangerously and psycho landlord killer Carter Hayes from Pacific Heights will face off against his Batman in the new movie.

‘Because Keaton is playing so many characters, we’re only going to have pay about four or five actors in total.’ Said a DC insider, ‘We’ll save a fortune in actor’s fees.’

‘If this film makes money, we’ll bring back even more Keaton characters in the next film. Because of the success of Birdman, we’d be crazy not have him as another villain. We can also get him to play as many Doug Kinney clones from Multiplicity as we dare get away with. We can milk this cow for as long as we want.’

The Studio Exec asked if these announcements undermined Robert Pattinson’s upcoming stand alone Batman film.

‘Who’s Robert Pattinson? Was he that guy who was knocking one out to a nasty mermaid with the Green Goblin in a lighthouse? Hey, did Michael Keaton ever play the Green Goblin?’

The Flash goes into production early 2021.

5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

WOODY ALLEN TO PLAY JOKER IN JOKER ORIGIN MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – Woody Allen is to play the young Joker in an origin movie of Batman’s most famous villain.

The Studio Exec can confirm that Woody Allen is in talks to play the Clown Prince of Crime in a new Warner Bros. movie about the origins of the Joker. The Hangover director Todd Phillips will direct and co-write the script with Scott Silver (8 Mile). He spoke EXCLUSIVELY with Studio Exec about the casting of Allen.

We were looking at first at a lot of young actors but the fact of the matter is they’re all shit. Some of them were funny but couldn’t act; others could act but weren’t funny. But Woody Allen could do both. I mean he’s amazing.

But isn’t Woody too old?

He isn’t that old.

He’s 81.

Oh. Shit. Erm. We can digitally de-age him. I think. That won’t be a problem. Anyway, he’s very excited about the project. We’re asking him to help with the script as well. When you have a gag writer like Allen, it’d be stupid not to use him.

Why not just use Jared Leto?

Ha ha ha ha ha. That’s great Exec. Oh wait, you weren’t joking.

Everything You Always Wanted to Know about the Joker But Were Too Afraid to Ask will be released in 2020.

BEN AFFLECK NAMED NEW JAMES BOND

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck has been named as the new James Bond.

The internet reeled today as Batman star as EON producers announced that Ben Affleck is to be the new James Bond. In a statement, the company said:

Batman’s loss is our gain. We are very happy to announce that Ben Affleck will be replacing Daniel Craig in the next James Bond adventure, provisionally entitled Bond 25.

Daniel Craig told the Studio Exec:

Frankly it’s a relief. I’ve been treading water for at least one film now. So it’s time to give the other chap a go.

Some fans objected to the fact that James Bond will, for the first time, be played by an American actor. Others were just incensed that it was Affleck. Mike Olivetto said:

He ruined Batman and he ruined Jersey Girl and now he’s going to ruin 007.

However, others were willing to give him a chance. ‘We’ve had an Aussie, a Welshman, a Scottish Bond and even a Mick. Why not a yank?’ said Archie Bigert.

Ben Affleck himself was unavailable for comment.

Bond 25 will be released in 2018.

 

ANTHONY WEINER TO PLAY DEATHSTROKE IN NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Anthony Weiner, former senator and mayoral candidate and star of the new documentary Weiner, is to play the villain Deathstroke in the new Batman movie.

Ben Affleck today revealed that Anthony Weiner would be joining him in the new stand alone Batman movie, playing the part of villain Deathstroke. Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Initially, Deathstroke was a name, a persona I used while sexting. I’d send women images of myself and suggestive messages like ‘now I’m doing the backstroke, now I’m doing front crawl and now I’m coming in for the Deathstroke, the Deathstroke baby. OH!’ Apparently, I got Ben’s number by mistake and he thought I was auditioning and he gave me the role.

Ben, however, told us that he’d had Anthony Weiner in mind all along when he was writing the script:

First of all, I was writing this part called Carlos Danger. I wondered where I was getting it from and then I realized, I was actually thinking of Weiner and Deathstroke was the next logical step. And he didn’t get the wrong number at all. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Batman v Deathstroke will be released in 2018.

TOM WAITS RULES HIMSELF OUT AS NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Veteran singer/songwriter and actor Tom Waits has ruled himself out of the lead role in the new Batman to be directed by Woody Allen and to begin filming in early 2019.

The gravelly voiced graveyard crooner Tom Waits has been called in to take over from Ben Affleck after he removed himself from the role following dissappointing reviews of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. Woody Allen is to take over writing and directing from Zack Snyder who apologized to fans for the mess he had made. ‘I screwed up,’ he told the Studio Exec.

Waits said that he was very flattered by Allen’s invitation but he felt he was ‘too old for the part’.

The bespectacled zany said that Waits had asked him ‘if he was high’ when Allen first approached him about the role. Waits has appeared in a number of films, including most recently Seven Psychopaths.

‘Batman is a very physical role, with lots of fighting and running and jumping and I don’t know if I have the energy for it any more,’ said Waits.

Woody Allen will now be calling on his next choice – Kenneth Brannagh – who is said to be ‘mad keen’ on the idea.

For more on the Woody Allen Batman read here.

BEN AFFLECK’S BATMAN SCRIPT LEAKS ONTO INTERNET

HOLLYWOOD – Following on from Batman v Superman, Ben Affleck has written his own stand alone Batman script.

The Studio Exec has received a leaked copy of the script and here is publishing an EXCLUSIVE EXTRACT.

 

EXT: TEHRAN, IRAN – DAY

A desert wind blows down the street as the American hostages are escorted to the prison. But suddenly a shadow as of a bat sweeps over them.

TERRORIST

Oh no!

BATMAN attacks and kills all the terrorists with a Gattling Gun.

BATMAN

Taste my pain, bitches.

Batman rescues the hostages.

INT. WHITE HOUSE – DAY

President Obama gives BATMAN the Congressional Medal of Honor.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Well, Batman, What can I say? That was amazing! First you kill the terrorists, then you rescue the hostages and now you’ve given me a comprehensive solution to climate change.

BATMAN
Just something I did on my lunchbreak. But it still won’t bring back my parents.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

No of course not. But is there something more that we can do for you?

BATMAN

Yes, I need you to give me back Robin.

PRESIDENT OBAMA
Robin? I don’t believe we have anyone in our employ called Robin.

BATMAN

The truth is he was part of a CIA black ops and you wiped his memory and convinced him his name was Jason Bourne.

PRESIDENT OBAMA

Wow, so all those films were just…

BATMAN

Prequels.

INT. BATCAVE. NIGHT.

BATMAN and ROBIN are looking at a map of the city.

ROBIN

It’s good to be back, Batman. With my memory fully restored. I could have sworn that I helped you write Good Will Hunting.

BATMAN

Nope, that was all me. Ready. Tonight we much face a cabal of our darkest foes.

ROBIN

The Joker?

BATMAN

No!

ROBIN
The Riddler?

BATMAN

Guess again Boy Wonder!

ROBIN

The New York Critics Circle?

BATMAN

A.O. Scott and his villainous gang must be stopped. To the Batmobile. And don’t forget the napalm!

FINIS

BEN AFFLECK FOR BATMAN ‘NOT THAT BIG A DEAL’ WORLD DECIDES

HOLLYWOOD – Following the events of the last few weeks, the World has decided that the casting of Ben Affleck in the role of Batman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is ‘just not that big a deal’.

When the new Batman Ben Affleck was announced the internets exploded in derision and anger, a species of fury usually reserved for traitors and dentists who hunt kittens for sport. However, with the recent tragic events in Paris, the renewed bombing in Syria, the tensions between Russia and Turkey, and the shootings in San Bernardino, Calif., the mood has changed on the new incumbent of the DC Comics Hero. The World issued a statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Penthouse:

We were upset about Ben Affleck become Batman. I mean Jesus Christ, he was insufferable in Argo and Jersey Girl… I mean come on. People also can see how he fared in a Superhero movie by looking at Daredevil and comparing it to the new TV show. It’s just in another league and then to here that he’s going to be part of a movie which looks like setting up the Justice League and going head to head with Superman. I mean… urgh. However, given that El Nino looks bad this year and we’ve just had the warmest year on record again, renewed violence in the Middle East, political censorship and oppression reigning unchecked, human rights being ignored, terrorist death cults on the one hand and mass shootings on the other, or both… Affleck was good in Gone Girl I suppose. So maybe it won’t be so bad. And anyway, it’s just a f*cking movie.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released next year when even more f*cked up shit will be continuing.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 2. TIM BURTON

HOLLYWOOD – Tim Burton takes a break from spinning Lewis Carroll in his grave to be our second interviewee in the classic series: Breakfast with Assholes.

Poached eggs (x 2), two slices of toast, cup of coffee

Timothy Burton might be a scatter-haired Goth for many but at breakfast he presents himself in a Gucci hairnet, smoking jacket by Valentino and prepares the best poached eggs I’ve ever tasted.

So my first question is simple:

Timmy boy, you are famed as one of the most original and innovative film-makers of our time where do you get your original innovative ideas from?

Well, Batman – my first true hit – was from an old comic book, and Planet of the Apes was from an old film, Sweeney Todd was from an old musical, Alice in Wonderland was from an old book, Sleepy Hollow also an old book, Big Fish was from a new book, Ed Wood was a book and you know real life, Dark Shadows was from an old TV series and Mars Attacks was from a trading card series (I know).

But Betelgeuse was original: where did you get the idea for that?

Someone else’s script. You want more coffee?

No. Okay. Edward Scissorhands?

 Oh yeah, I did that. Well, the story, then Caroline Thompson wrote the script.

Okay so your ideas aren’t necessarily original as such but your treatment of them are. The Tim Burton look. Where does that come from?

Old Sisters of Mercy videos. And Billy Idol. “White Wedding” was a real inspiration to me. You know cobwebs, wedding dresses, that sort of stuff. Or like Wonderland in Alice in Wonderland, I just added a couple of waterfalls, but it was basically Disney.

But the performances are always great in your movies. These eggs by the way are fantastic.

Thanks. Yeah. What I do is I visualize a poster and I think is there anyway I can get Johnny Depp’s big fat face front and centre. Because you know, people would pay to watch Johnny Depp flushing the toilet.

I didn’t see Dark Shadows.

 You didn’t miss much. Then I say “honey do you want to be in the film?” to whomever I’m married to at that given moment. Mostly Helena Bonham Carter these days. And the work’s more or less done. Then I find filming quite peaceful. I like to wear dark glasses so I can just nod off and people usually mistake my confusion for dreamy visionary-ness. Now if you don’t mind, I usually like to take a dump after breakfast.

‘Sure, Tim,’ I say and show my way out. I meet Johnny Depp on the porch his got an armful of Betamax video cassettes and a guilty grin.

‘Beats working,’ he shouts over his shoulder as we pass.