AFFLECK QUITS JUSTICE LEAGUE MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – After the critical annihilation of Batman Vs Superman, Ben Affleck has decided to hang up the cape and quit his role as the caped crusader.

The Studio Exec hopped on a call with Affleck to discuss his controversial exit:

Ben, how are you feeling?

Downcast, downhearted, despondent, disconsolate, dispirited, crestfallen,cast down, depressed, disappointed, disheartened, discouraged,demoralized, crushed, desolate, heartbroken, broken-hearted, heavy-hearted, low-spirited, in the doldrums, sad, unhappy, doleful, melancholy,miserable, woebegone, forlorn, long-faced, fed up, wretched, glum and gloomy.

I see. Batman Vs Superman was savaged by critics and lambasted on social media. What was your reaction when the negative comments started rolling in?

I was furious, incensed, raging, incandescent, wrathful, fuming, seething, hopping mad, wild, livid, as cross as two sticks, boiling, apoplectic, aerated, hot under the collar, on the warpath, up in arms, foaming at the mouth, steamed up, in a lather and fit to be tied.

You’ve quit a coveted role and that can’t have been easy, how did you finally come to that decision?

I pondered, deliberated, reflected, meditated, chewed over, broo…

Look, can I stop you there.


What?

You’re clearly just reading from an online thesaurus.


I’m outraged, hopping-mad, infuriated…

You’re doing it again.

Okay, look. My PR team has gone missing so I have nobody here to tell me what to say.

Gone missing?

Yeah, I told them I was backing out of Justice League and suddenly, no one is answering my calls.

Can’t you just answer my questions in your own words?

Woah. You mean, like, I tell you what I really think without checking with my team first?

Yeah.

Wow. You know I’ve been in Hollywood so long I’m not sure I can remember how to do that and I’m afraid that if I did, all the things I really want to say would come spewing out of me.

Go on, Ben. Be brave.

Okay. Here goes nothing…

Unfortunately at this point in the conversation the telephone went dead but fifteen minutes later, Affleck called us up.

Hi, Ben. What happened?

Er, my cellphone ran out of power.

No problem. So you were about to tell me what you really thought about Batman Vs Superman.

I’m very proud of the finished movie. Zack Snyder is a visionary director and I’m very much looking forward to working with him on Justice League.

I thought you’d quit.

I’m very proud of the finished movie. Zack Snyder is a visionary director and I’m very much looking forward to working with him on Justice League.

You’re being told to say that, aren’t you?

I’m very proud of the finished movie. Zack Snyder is a visionary director and I’m very much looking forward to working with him on Justice League.

Oh, f*ck off.


Justice League is due in 2017

 

ALL FEMALE WONDER WOMAN CAUSES FURY

HOLLYWOOD – The release of further pictures from the upcoming Batman Vs Superman: Dawn of Justice confirmed that Wonder Woman will be played by a female actor: Gal Godot.

In photos released by Entertainment Weekly, the gender of the lead characters can be clearly seen, with Lex Luthor (Jesse Eisenberg) as a hippy, Superman (Henry Cavill) as a Christ like figure, Batman (Ben Affleck) looking like fatman, and Wonder Woman WEARING A DRESS.

The news came as a stunning revelation, following in the wake of the atrocities of GamerGate, the Vietnam of Reddit Revolt and some other third thing.

Top internet manist Herbert Frank had this to say:

First we have the all female Ghostbusters – which is just like raping my childhood – yes ‘raping’ it – and then we have the news that even Thor might be played by a ‘girl’. Then BANG! in the new Dawn of Justice picture Wonder Woman is actually being played by a woman, and to make matters worse a woman whose first name is Gal. As if she was just rubbing it into my man tears.

Zack Snyder responded to the controversy with unwarranted insouciance:

What? Is this a joke? I mean, it’s in the name. Wonder. Woman.

Batman vs Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

ZACH SNYDER POSTS NEW BATMOBILE PIC

GOTHAM – Zach Snyder has leaked an EXCLUSIVE sneak peek of the new Batmobile which will feature in the upcoming film: Batman Vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice.

Zach accompanied the picture with a short message to all his fans:

So here it is. Sometimes it’s so difficult to keep a secret when you know what you’ve got is awesome. Admittedly, we haven’t got the budget we wanted, but still, just imagine Ben Affleck suited up and driving this bad boy around the mean streets of Gotham.

Reaction to the picture was immediate with Variety calling it ‘a radical re-imagining’ and Hollywood Reporter immediately linking the apparent lo-fi design to the current political climate: ‘It looks cheap.’ Many fans were angered at the idea that the car was obviously not American made. ‘Herr Batman might drive this,’ said one enraged fan. ‘But not Mr. Bruce Wayne.’

However, Uber-geek Kevin Smith described how he fainted on seeing the picture and needed some seconds before he was able to give a considered response:

Awe. Some. I mean. God Damn it! This looks like combining not only Batman and Superman, two of my favorite pop cultural phenomena, but also Herbie from The Love Bug. I’ve just come so much I’ve lost about seven pounds.

Batman vs Superman: The Dawn of Justice will be released in March, 2016.

 

FIRST IMAGE OF BEN AFFLECK AS BATMAN CAUSES CONFUSION

HOLLYWOOD – The first image of Ben Affleck as Batman in Zack Snyder’s Batman V Superman has caused confusion and consternation among fans.

The very first image of Ben Affleck as Batman has been published EXCLUSIVELY by the Studio Exec, but the reception has not been unambiguous and some are claiming that the whole idea of an Affleck Batman is fatally flawed.

Lead geek Henry Bolt said:

Ben Affleck is obviously wearing the wrong costume. Anyone can see he ought to be wearing a mask with little pointy ears and not this ridiculous get up. It’s just so … Frankly, it’s embarrassing.

Ben Affleck in the photograph seems to be frowning and slightly perplexed, as if asking himself, ‘Wait, is this actually my changing room?’ but Mr. Snyder believes that it will all be fixed in post ‘where movie magic happens’.

Snyder spoke to the Studio Exec following the publication of the photograph: 

This is just a storm in a teacup. Believe me. It’s like with Russell Crowe in Man of Steel. We invited him to the set and we did this whole ludicrous subplot about him being Superman’s father and it was terrible. Russell said, ‘cut it out. I don’t like it and no one else will’. ‘Don’t worry’ I said, ‘we’ll edit you out.’ And that’s what we did. What? What do you mean we didn’t? 

Batman v Superman looks like being one of the most widely anticipated bad films of 2016. 

MARK ZUCKERBERG IS LEX LUTHOR

HOLLYWOOD – Batman Vs Superman has its new villain as super-creepy Mark Zuckerberg has confirmed he will be taking on the role.

‘I crushed MySpace,’ laughed the curly haired mastermind. ‘This Man of Steel and Man of Bat will be no match for me!’ 

News came in also that Alfred will be played by people marrying horses advocate Jeremy Irons, who said he was delighted with the role:

One is absolutely over the moon with the role. First one’s thoughts leaped to one of the trains in the Thomas the Tank Engine books but apparently Alfred is some kind of a majordomo in some other type of children’s book. One wishes to get ‘down’ with the kids as modern parlance would have it. What! What! 

Ben Affleck also responded saying that he was looking forward to getting to grips with the Zuckerberg and perhaps punching him in the face repeatedly, if that was all right with the director, Zach Snyder. Zuckerberg, on being asked on what qualified him for the role, was very forthcoming:

Think about it. I mean, I have all these algorithms, and I’ve convinced everyone to put all their personal data on computers and now I’m monetizing that and who knows what I’m up to with the NSA. Even the NSA don’t know. Ha ha! Plus I have this other villainous thing where I only eat what I personally kill and butcher. Oh, yeah and if there’s like a meeting I have to go to with Batman and Superman, I don’t know maybe we all have to give depositions, I’m gonna turn up in my pajamas and they’ll all be so like What? He’s in his pajamas. Wow. What a villain!

Batman Vs Superman will be released once we’re heartily sick of hearing about it and only then. 

NICOLE KIDMAN AND NAOMI WATTS TO BOTH STAR IN PRINCESS DIANA OF MONACO

HOLLYWOOD – The New York Times billed it as ‘the prize fight of the princesses’ with Naomi Watts starring as the late Princess of Wales in Diana and Nicole Kidman taking on actress turned royal Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco.

But apparently the two actresses have put their differences aside and are planning a sequel to rival Batman Vs. Superman: Princess Diana of Monaco.

‘The idea is that these two people exist in the same “Royal Universe” where the same suspension of disbelief and fantastic rules apply,’ said Tom Hooper, the director. He continued, dribbling only slightly:

So the common folk slavishly adore these people who have gained what they have gained merely by marrying very rich men who have gained what they gained merely by fortuitously exiting the correct royal vagina. Of course, in the real world this wouldn’t make sense but here we’re dealing with the height of fictional fantasy. 

Naomi Watts commented that ‘There are many similarities in the stories of these women and I’m not just talking about them dying in car crashes.’ ‘They both died in car crashes,’ added Nicole Kidman. ‘That IS really important.’

Princess Diana of Monaco will be released some time in 2014. 

NOLAN’S BATMAN TRILOGY TO BE REMADE WITH BEN AFFLECK

HOLLYWOOD – After this morning’s shock news that Ben Affleck will play the role of the caped crusader in Zack Synder’s Untitled Batman/ Superman movie, Christopher Nolan has announced that he will erase Christian Bale from his trilogy and replace him with Affleck.

“DC comics wants continuity,” said a business-like Nolan.

Of course we wanted Christian on board but he won’t play ball. He think he’s too good for the role, that his shit doesn’t stink, well let me tell you. I’ve been to the bathroom after him and not only does his shit stink, he uses all the toilet paper and often forgets to flush.

Nolan went on to say that the procedure to transform Bale into Ben is not that complicated.

They are a similar age and similar build. Not that those things matter. Computers these days can solve any problem but without getting technical. We are basically going to digitally decapitate Christian and replace his head with Ben’s. Then we get Affleck to record Bale’s lines and hey presto. We got ourselves a brand new Batman.

Asked whether he expects a public outcry at his decision to doctor his beloved Bat films, Nolan laughed.

I’m sure you’ll get a few whining fan boys on the message boards but as soon as they are re-released at the cinemas they’ll all be there opening night. Anyway, if you think about it did anyone really give a tuppenny f*ck about Bale as Batman? I mean sure he did a good job but will anyone be calling a suicide hotline because I’m replacing him with Ben? I doubt it. Though I do expect a stronger backlash when I replace Heath Ledger as the Joker.

When pressed to elaborate on his plans for Ledger’s replacement Nolan was reluctant.

Look, Heath was great. Really great and if he hadn’t have shot himself in the head with a bazooka or whatever he did, then he’d be my number one but as I said, DC wants continuity so The Joker will now be played by Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell and Jude Law.

Christopher Nolan’s remastered Batman Trilogy is due for release in 2014.