MICHAEL MANN’S BATMAN Vs JOKER SCRIPT


INT: CAFE

BATMAN AND THE JOKER ARE SAT AT A TABLE FACING EACH OTHER


BATMAN
Seven years in Blackgate . In the Hole for three. Arkham before that. Was Arkham as tough as they say?
JOKER
HAHAHA You looking to become a Penologist?
BATMAN
You looking to go back? You know I chased some lunatics, guys just looking’ to f*ck up and get busted back. That you?
JOKER
You must have worked some dipshit lunatics Bats.
BATMAN
I worked all kinds.
JOKER
You see me doing thrill-seeker liquor store holdups with a “Born to Lose” tattoo on my chest?
BATMAN
No, I do not.
JOKER
I am never going back. HAHAHAHA
BATMAN
Then don’t fry people with electric hand buzzers
JOKER
I do what I do best. I fry people with electric hand buzzers . You do what you do best. Trying to stop maniacs like me.
BATMAN
So you never wanted a regular-type life?
JOKER
What is that, BATMAN ? Barbecues and ballgames HAHAHAHAHAH
BATMAN

Yeah.
JOKER
This regular-type life. That your life you winged freaked?
BATMAN
My life? Not my life. My life’s a disaster zone. I got dead parents, a dead girlfriend. I got a wife who dresses up as a cat. We’re passing each-other on the down slope of a marriage because I spend all my time chasing guys like you around Gotham. That’s my life.
JOKER
The Penguin told me one time: Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the Bat around the corner. Now if you’re on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a marriage?
BATMAN
That’s an interesting point. What are you, a monk?
JOKER
I have a woman.
BATMAN
What do you tell her?
JOKER
I tell her I’m a homicidal maniac HAHAHAHA
BATMAN
So then if you spot my batarang coming around that corner, you just gonna walk out on this woman? Not say goodbye?
JOKER
No I’ll probably shoot her in the head and dissolve her body in acid
BATMAN
That’s pretty vacant. No?
JOKER
Yeah, it is what it is. It’s that or we both better go do somethin’ else, Bats
BATMAN
I don’t know how to do anything else.
JOKER
Neither do I.
BATMAN
I don’t much want to either.
JOKER
Neither do I.
BATMAN
You know I have this re-occurring dream. I’m sittin’ at this big banquet table and all the victims of all the murders I ever worked are sittin’ at this table, and there starin’ at me with these black eyeballs because they got eight ball hemorrhages from the head-wounds. And there they are, these big balloon people. Because I found them two weeks after they’ve been under the bed. The neighbors reported the smell. And there they are. All of them just sittin’ there.
JOKER
Sounds like my kinda dream. What do they say?
BATMAN
Nothing.
JOKER
No talk?
BATMAN
None. Just… They don’t have anything to say. We just look at each-other. They look at me. And that’s it. That’s the dream.
JOKER
I have one were I’m riding a fire breathing purple elephant down the street and it’s burning innocent bystanders
BATMAN
You know what that’s about?
JOKER
Yeah. It’s about having enough time
BATMAN
Enough time? To do what you want to do?
JOKER
That’s right.
BATMAN
You doing it now?
JOKER
No I was only joking about the time thing. What the hell has a fire breathing elephant got to do with time you crazy caped crusader?
BATMAN
You know we’re sitting here, you and I, like a coupla regular freaks You do what you do. I do what I gotta do. And now that we’ve been face to face. If I am there and I have to take you down . I won’t like it. But I’ll tell ya, if it’s between you and some poor bastard whose wife you’re going to Smylex, Joker, you are goin’ down.
JOKER
There’s a flip side to that coin. What if your batmobile has got me boxed in and I gotta put you down? ‘Cause no matter what, you will not get in my way. We’ve been face to face, yeah. But I will not hesitate. Not for a second.
BATMAN
Maybe it’ll happen that way. Or … who knows …
JOKER
Or maybe we’ll never see each other again.


FIN