ANTHONY WEINER TO PLAY DEATHSTROKE IN NEW BATMAN

HOLLYWOOD – Anthony Weiner, former senator and mayoral candidate and star of the new documentary Weiner, is to play the villain Deathstroke in the new Batman movie.

Ben Affleck today revealed that Anthony Weiner would be joining him in the new stand alone Batman movie, playing the part of villain Deathstroke. Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Weiner spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the role:

Initially, Deathstroke was a name, a persona I used while sexting. I’d send women images of myself and suggestive messages like ‘now I’m doing the backstroke, now I’m doing front crawl and now I’m coming in for the Deathstroke, the Deathstroke baby. OH!’ Apparently, I got Ben’s number by mistake and he thought I was auditioning and he gave me the role.

Ben, however, told us that he’d had Anthony Weiner in mind all along when he was writing the script:

First of all, I was writing this part called Carlos Danger. I wondered where I was getting it from and then I realized, I was actually thinking of Weiner and Deathstroke was the next logical step. And he didn’t get the wrong number at all. He knew exactly what he was doing.

Batman v Deathstroke will be released in 2018.

BEN AFFLECK RETIRES AS AN ACTOR TO CONCENTRATE ON BEING A MEME

HOLLYWOOD – Actor and film director Ben Affleck announced today that he was giving up acting and directing in order to pursue an alternate career as an internet meme.

Argo director and Batman v Superman star, Ben Affleck today announced his retirement from the movie business so that he can concentrate fully on being an internet meme. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Ben had this to say:

It’s f*cking crazy man. I spent years putting together Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon. Writing the script, going to meetings. Years. And the same with Argo. It took so much time. And even the acting jobs look easy but the mornings are early, the nights are late, it’s difficult and Zach Snyder shouts in your ear hole all the time. Making Batman v Superman, I had months of washing Snyder’s spittle out of my f*cking hair. It’s f*cking disgusting. And then every dip sh*t with a blog just pisses on you and sh*ts on you from a height. So what’s the f*cking point?

I don’t….

Yeah, exactly. Stupid ass biscuits! And then something odd happened. All of a sudden everyone was talking about me and sharing videos of me. It’s called a mem Exec. A f*cking meme. All I have to do is look sad during some interview and all of a sudden boom. I’m everywhere. No work, literally zero.

So that interview with Bill Simmons…?

Goddamned right. That’s gonna be a meme too, you see! It’ll be all over the place. And you want to know an advantage of that.

What?

You can do it drunk.

That’s great.

F*cking A!

Ben Affleck will next be seen in Ben Affleck Walks Around a Park without Trousers.

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

JESSE EISENBERG TO STAY IN JAIL UNTIL MAN OF STEEL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Jesse Eisenberg has been remanded in custody until the making of Man of Steel 2.

Lex Luthor star and short story writer Jesse Eisenberg will stay in jail until the shooting of Man of Steel 2, it was revealed today. Eisenberg has not actually been formally charged with a crime, but Zack Snyder and the executives at Warner Brothers decided that his portrayal of Lex Luthor was so irritating that he deserved to be incarcerated and kept away fromt he general public for their mutual protection. Snyder spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Jesse is a method actor as I’m sure you know. That annoying shtick he does in practically every movie, that takes tonnes of preparation. I mean he’s never out of character. He’s so committed. Once we were even shooting really late and he was still in character. It was unbelievable. Ben Affleck came up to me and said ‘Is there anyway we can shut him off?’ That got us all thinking. Of course there wasn’t but as we were shooting in chronological order – because of hair issues – and we were shooting in a real prison, once we got him in the cell, we just locked him in and ‘forgot’ to go back for him.

Won’t you be in trouble legally?

Who gives a shit?

Man of Steel 2 won’t even feature Lex Luthor.

37 THINGS WRONG WITH BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has earned record breaking box office but has had something of a critical mauling.

So what went wrong with The Man of Steel and Batman sequels and The Justice League prequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. We lit up the skies above Gotham and Metropolis with our very own FACT signal and the Squad leaped into action. Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead:

1 The plot is terrible. A lot of venom is expended on Zack Snyder but who wrote this crap? David S. Goyer was involved in the Nolan Batmans and they were Shakespeare compared to this. Chris Terrio, I presume as the writer of Argo, is Affleck’s polisher. So who is responsible? And did they actually re-read the script once they wrote it, because it just looks like there are so many first draft problems in here.

2. The action is mostly terrible. Mostly. There are some good bits – the Batman fight in the warehouse is pretty good – but another big fight in another semi-destroyed city. And none of the Superman superhero bits look super-heroic.

3. Everybody does everything for no apparent reason. No motivation is apparent for anyone. No one actually behaves in a way that makes any consistent sense. Again Shakespeare this ain’t, so I’m not looking for layers of psychological interiority but the Road Runner cartoons have more character logic than this film.

4. Everything is in close up. I get it that this is from a comic book and some of the shots slavishly reproduce panels from sources such as The Dark Knight Returns, but this is cinema and just as a Jane Austen adaptation shouldn’t just reproduce reams of chuntering dialogue, so a comic book movie has to work out a way of producing a cinematic version of the story that makes visual sense.

5. We see Batman’s parents getting shot again. One of these days we might have a Batman movie that doesn’t go into the dark origin story, but at the moment every story is an origin story.

6. We see young master Wayne meeting the bats again and being able to fly. We saw this done so much better in Batman Begins and the film doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to carry on from the Nolan films – the destroyed house looks similar – or be different.

7. People walk in slow motion when sad. And leaves fall from trees at funerals – as though the very trees did weep!

8. 9/11 parallels are now officially the worst thing to come out of 9/11 after the invasion of Iraq but before the invasion of Afghanistan. The ineptness of story is much more forgivable if it isn’t loaded with portentous incoherent political subtext.

9. Superman still hasn’t learned to slow down when he lands.

10. Superman has no problem killing people anymore. Lois Lane is now the facilitator who gives him an excuse to off people. And he even gives her a bit of a wink as if they both get off on it.

11. Lois Lane – ace reporter – begins an interview with an African war lord with the probing question: ‘Are you a terrorist?’ This is a quote from The Insider when Christopher Plumber playing Mike Wallace asks the same question, but there it said something about character and it was a television interview. Here it is simply reckless and tactically stupid.

12. Jimmy works for the CIA! WTF?

13. Clark Kent has no charisma, no dopey charm, and acts exactly like Superman as if the costume was the only difference. Cavill should be playing two distinct characters but he barely manages one. Frankly both Superman and Clark Kent are played as Henry Cavill wearing different clothes.

14. Congressional hearings are held about Superman intervening in Africa, but not about his destruction of an entire city in the previous film.

15. Superman looks embarrassed when he turns up at congressional hearings wearing his Superman costume, as if this was a party and he thought it was fancy dress but it wasn’t.

16. Superman doesn’t actually get to say anything at the hearing. You’ve set up a confrontation. Sure the bomb is going to go off, but why not have a bit of to and fro before hand. Some talking, some justifications, some arguments, instead of another CGI explosion, because, Lord knows, that’s what this movie lacks?

17. Why Lex Luthor blows up the hearing is a total mystery. If it was to frame Superman, it doesn’t work. He offs his assistants as well, for no particular reason.

18. Not even Lex Luthor knows why Lex Luthor is doing what Lex Luthor is doing. And there’s no explanation for how Lex Luthor created Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what Lex Luthor is doing. Or what Jesse Eisenberg is doing.

21. Neither does Zack Snyder.

22. Alfred (Jeremy Irons) doesn’t do much and is sucking a toffee all the way through his performance.

23. Batman is fine with killing people, torturing people, branding people and doesn’t once say ‘To the Batmobile’. And Batman gets into shape by hitting tractor tires with a large hammer.

24. There are dream sequences that are so long that people in them go to sleep and have dream sequences in the dream sequences.

25. Despite being called ‘Superman’, Henry Cavill plays the hero as a teenager with self-esteem issues and who hasn’t had a shit for five days.

26. Gotham and Metropolis are so close they are actually boroughs of each other.

27. No one understands technology. We can clone phones remotely, but we need to physically plug in a thumb drive to get the goods on Lex Luthor.

28. When Lex Luthor introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne, why is he so excited about it? Clark Kent writes for page twenty three of the Daily Planet. He’s a nobody surely.

29. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is great, but she is basically in the film to advertise her own film and the films of The Flash, Acquaman et al.

30. Laurence Fishburne doesn’t deserve this.

31. The sinister Asian female assistant is becoming a bit too much of a thing.

32. Superman dies twice. With zero emotional effect.

33. Doomsday is Troll from Moria. Big CGI monsters are so boring. Why does Lex Luther create him? What was the plan? Was that his plan all along?

34. Lois Lane throws away a kryptonite spear, then goes back to get it and then almost drowns. Needs rescuing. Then Superman almost dies getting the spear.

35. Batman, who knows that the spear can kill Superman, at no point offers to help out with the spear, preferring to see Superman almost die.

36. No one has ever stopped a fight to the death because their mothers share the same name. Not ever.

37. By the way, Adolf Hitler’s mother was called Martha.

This list has finished more because of exhaustion than through any sense of completeness. If you want to add to it please use the comment box.

 

 

JEREMY IRONS FINISHES SUCKING THE BOILED SWEET HE STARTED SUCKING IN 1976

LONDON – News came in today that Jeremy Irons has finally finished sucking the hard boiled sweet (candy) that he began sucking in 1976.

The Reversal of Fortune and Dead Ringers star Jeremy Irons was today celebrating having finally finished sucking a boiled sweet that he began in 1976.

It was my Aunt Agatha who offered me the sweet. I think it was a barley sugar. I began to suck it like you do any sweet for the sweetness, the flavor, the fun, but my word the blighter was a stayer.

Throughout the 1980s Jeremy Irons saw his career take off with such films as The Mission and The French Lieutenant’s Woman despite the fact that he was still having to speak around the resistant confectionery in his mouth.

In a way I think it actually helped me become the actor I am today. It gave my voice a distinctive timbre and when I was making Dead Ringers I was playing two identical twin brothers, so when I was playing Beverly I would put the sweet in my left cheek and when I was playing Elliot I would swap.

On several occasions Irons sought medical advice and doctors were adamant that the sweet could be simply removed by spitting it out. Several indeed advised such a course of action, warning of a choking hazard, especially when the latest actor to take on the role of Alfred the butler slept.

I listened carefully to the advice and of course there were concerns, but in the end I felt it would have been a failing in me if I had got rid of it. That would have been the easy way out and  yet a betrayal of everything I stand for, and care for. Aunt Agatha passed away in 1989 and I was so happy that when she went she knew that I was still sucking the sweet.

However, early this morning, while Jeremy Irons was doing his 30 minute Pilates routine, it suddenly became apparent that something momentous had occurred.

The sweet at this stage had become almost wafer thin and I could stick it to the roof of my mouth very easily, when I was brushing my teeth or eating. I went with my tongue to unstick it but it wasn’t there anymore. Either I’d swallowed it or, and I like to believe this to be the case, it had dissolved completely.

Jeremy Irons is next to be seen in Assassin’s Creed.

THE ALIENS FROM V WERE ALMOST IN BATMAN V SUPERMAN SAYS ZACH SNYDER

HOLLYWOOD – Zach Snyder today revealed that the aliens from the popular TV show V almost featured in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Talking at the premier of his new film Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zach Snyder dropped the bombshell that aliens from the popular TV show V almost featured in the new movie. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec red carpet reporter, the 300 director said that the concept of using the aliens had been in the script from an early stage:

I think it was kind of a joke at the first. The idea would be that the aliens from V would be there because we had the letter V in the title of the film, so if anyone complained we could say, ‘look, it was in the title all along’, but after we cast Ben Affleck we thought if we put too many jokes in it, we’d be pushing the audience beyond the limits, so we decided to cut them, as we did all references to the novel by Thomas Pynchon.

What role would the aliens have played?

They were going to be the second string villains. You would have them as the heavies and then Lex Luthor would be revealed to be behind everything. And you have them guzzling rats and tearing their faces accidentally and what have you. I’m a huge fan of the original show, not so much of the remake.

Is there a chance they might appear in a future episode in the franchise?

Funny you should mention that. After all the research I did and all the fun I had writing for the aliens I did start a treatment for the next movie and brought them back to play a fundamental role.

Tentatively titled?

Batman and Superman v V.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is on general release.

HENRY CAVILL: ‘I HATE ACTING BUT EAT MONEY’

HOLLYWOOD – The star of the forthcoming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Henry Cavill has revealed his motivation: money.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, Henry Cavill – Superman in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice – revealed his motivation and thoughts on acting:

I hate acting. It’s basically lying. Like when I’m Superman, I’m not really Superman. It’s all a big fib. On the other hand money’s fantastic and that’s something which I deem — and this is frowned upon — very important. Spending money on my friends, buying dinner for everyone, drinks for everyone, it’s a nice place to be, and I like people to feel cared for. People will be calling me a c**k as they’re reading this, but travel’s great as long as you’re going first class. I mean, traveling to New Zealand in economy, it sucks. Especially if you’re over six feet. But first class? I’m not going to ever pretend to be coy about that. I love it.

But what about art, Henry?

Art? I work for Zach Snyder. What the f*ck do I care about art for? So back to money. You can by cars, hamsters, Belgian chocolates, gilt edged photograph frames, lockets, wine gums, small dogs, toy soldiers, books, necklaces and asparagus.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released in 2016.

BEN AFFLECK FOR BATMAN ‘NOT THAT BIG A DEAL’ WORLD DECIDES

HOLLYWOOD – Following the events of the last few weeks, the World has decided that the casting of Ben Affleck in the role of Batman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice is ‘just not that big a deal’.

When the new Batman Ben Affleck was announced the internets exploded in derision and anger, a species of fury usually reserved for traitors and dentists who hunt kittens for sport. However, with the recent tragic events in Paris, the renewed bombing in Syria, the tensions between Russia and Turkey, and the shootings in San Bernardino, Calif., the mood has changed on the new incumbent of the DC Comics Hero. The World issued a statement EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec Penthouse:

We were upset about Ben Affleck become Batman. I mean Jesus Christ, he was insufferable in Argo and Jersey Girl… I mean come on. People also can see how he fared in a Superhero movie by looking at Daredevil and comparing it to the new TV show. It’s just in another league and then to here that he’s going to be part of a movie which looks like setting up the Justice League and going head to head with Superman. I mean… urgh. However, given that El Nino looks bad this year and we’ve just had the warmest year on record again, renewed violence in the Middle East, political censorship and oppression reigning unchecked, human rights being ignored, terrorist death cults on the one hand and mass shootings on the other, or both… Affleck was good in Gone Girl I suppose. So maybe it won’t be so bad. And anyway, it’s just a f*cking movie.

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice will be released next year when even more f*cked up shit will be continuing.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE BATMAN V SUPERMAN TRAILER

HOLLYWOOD – The new Batman V Superman trailer just broke on the internet and we sent our Studio Exec FACT squad into the Batcave and the Fortress of Solitude to find out more.

This is what they learned:

One. Bruce Wayne is in the film.

Two.  He might be Batman.

Three. Clarke Kent is in the film.

Four. He might be Superman.

FIVE. Lex Luthor writes mediocre short stories for the New Yorker.

For more FACTS click here.

BEN AFFLECK HAS FOUR FINGERS AND A THUMB

HOLLYWOOD – Photographic confirmation arrived today that the new Batman, Ben Affleck has four fingers and a thumb at the end of his left arm appendage.

Finally the mystery of what is on the end of Ben Affleck’s left wrist has been conclusively solved as British newspaper The Daily Mirror showed that he had the regular four fingers and a thumb. Although not the most attractive hand in the business – that belongs to David Duchovny – there are no irregular protrusions or weird bulbous effigies but rather a perfectly ordinary number of digits. Best friend Matt Damon instantly leapt to the defence of his best friend.

People have been going on for what seems like centuries about Ben’s hand ever since Pearl Harbor – and I mean the actual Japanese attack, not the movie – has he got a hand? What’s he hiding? It’s absolutely ridiculous. What with the divorce already weighing on his shoulders, you could at least let the man have the privacy of his own hands! Don’t you think?

However, other industry insiders were wondering why it took Affleck so long to reveal his hand. Willem Dafoe, a longstanding advocate for hands, said:

It doesn’t help when a star of Ben Affleck’s stature leaves his hand in his pocket all the time or puts it in some kind of glove. It makes it look like he has something to hide and simply encourages speculation.

Silence of the Lambs director, Jonathan Demme called for calm and understanding.

I mean this guy was fundamental in saving the world from that asteroid a few years ago. Something that everyone seems to have conveniently forgotten. We should definitely cut him some slack. He’s got a hand. In our heart of hearts we all knew that he would have. And just because someone doesn’t go around waving it around like Duchovny doesn’t mean a thing.

Batman v Superman will be released in 2016.

EXCLUSIVE BATMAN V SUPERMAN FOOTAGE LEAK REVEALS MAJOR SPOILER

HOLLYWOOD – It is Batman day and so only fitting that the Studio Exec has received EXCLUSIVE footage of the new Zach Snyder movie Batman v Superman.

Batman Vs Superman is not due out until the Spring next year, but in honor of Batman day, The Studio Exec can EXCLUSIVELY reveal some footage from the new movie. The footage as well as showing how well Ben Affleck is fitting into the Batsuit, also reveals the identity of Boy Wonder Robin, who will be played – we can EXCLUSIVELY reveal – by Matt Damon. There was a lot of speculation about a possible Bourne Wonder collaboration which this image now conclusively proves. Bat watcher Woody Allen had this to say:

It’s amazing. I mean Zach has obviously decided to forego the darkness, inspired by Christopher Nolan, based on The Man of Steel film, and is going now for a much more colorful Adam West style Batman. I love it. Though my psychiatrist really says my obsession with this comic book is just a throwback to the fact that I grew up in New York with an overbearing Jewish mother. But what does my psychiatrist know. He’s got Elton John’s I’m Still Standing playing on a loop in the waiting room.

Despite the publication, there is still no official word of Matt Damon’s involvement of the picture, but seasoned Damon watchers will recall that the Damon also hid his participation in Interstellar until the last moment.

Batman v Superman is due out in March, 2016.

CHRIS PINE TO STAR IN ALL MALE WONDER WOMAN

HOLLYWOOD – He’s been Captain Kirk and, allegedly, Jack Ryanbut now Chris Pine faces the biggest challenge of his career: playing Wonder Woman in a new, all-male film version of the celebrated DC comic.

Chris Pine has been cast as Diana Prince in a new, all-male version of “Wonder Woman,” which will go head-to-head with Gal Gadot’s take on the character appearing in “Batman v Superman: The Dawn of Justice.”

We had an opportunity to talk to Chris Pine when he dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow, and he seemed really excited to have work:

I’ve been a huge fan of the comic book and of course the TV series starring Lynda Carter. We are looking to take this in a totally new direction and I’m pleased that we have a director of the stature of Pedro Almodovar, who has come in with the script as well.

Isn’t this a large risk for DC to take with such an iconic character?

Yes and no. I think there is a risk—it is useless to deny it—but if films aren’t about taking risks now and again then what are we even doing here? But I think also that the culture is ready to see the end of gender and a new fluidity to these characters. We have an all-female “Ghostbusters.” Thor will be a girl next time around. Caitlyn Jenner is, well, Caitlyn Jenner. So my Wonder Woman will very much play into that.

What about late reports suggesting that you are actually not playing Wonder Woman, but playing rather Steve Trevor in the Gal Gadot film?

Well, that’s obviously some piss-poor film parody site trying to get clicks by publishing the most outrageous nonsense it can think of. Come on, look at me. I can’t play a guy called Steve with my new breasts.

Wonder Woman starring Chris Pine will begin shooting in October.

COMIC-CON 2015 RULE CHANGES

SAN DIEGO – The 2015 Comic-Con has begun in San Diego and a number of rule changes have been announced.

Due to a large amount of illegal foolishness at last year’s comic-con in San Diego, the authorities have decided on a number of new rules to keep things under control.

1. No costumes for anyone over thirteen years of age. This is partly a safety issue after the Jabba the Hutt character who accidentally killed a Minion last year. But it’s mainly because YOU SHOULD ALL GROW UP.

2. While queuing for panels fights will be encouraged.

3. If you want to ask a question during the Batman v. Superman panel you should throw a shoe. No other method will be rewarded.

4. Anyone who has sex will be ejected from Comic-Con and not allowed to return.

5. All zombies are to be murdered.

For more FACTS click HERE.