ZACK SNYDER’S NEXT FILM: ‘ONE LONG SLOW MOTION FUNERAL IN THE RAIN’

HOLLYWOOD – Zack Snyder announces his dream project.

Once Justice League is completed, Zack Snyder has revealed that his next film will be a departure from the comic book universe and will consist entirely of one long slow motion funeral in the rain.

The 300 and Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice director, Zack Snyder has spoken about his next project EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

It’s just going to be a funeral in slow motion in the rain and we’re going to ahve lots and lots of flashbacks but all the flashbacks are also going to be to slow motion funerals in the rain. It’s what I was born to do.

You do like slow motion funerals.

I do. I slow motion funerals, I love destroying cities, I love montages and I love pineapples. But Spongebob ruined those for everyone else. I still got the funerals though. They belong to me.

Four Slow Motion Funerals and No Wedding will be released in 2018.

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

JESSE EISENBERG TO STAY IN JAIL UNTIL MAN OF STEEL 2

HOLLYWOOD – Jesse Eisenberg has been remanded in custody until the making of Man of Steel 2.

Lex Luthor star and short story writer Jesse Eisenberg will stay in jail until the shooting of Man of Steel 2, it was revealed today. Eisenberg has not actually been formally charged with a crime, but Zack Snyder and the executives at Warner Brothers decided that his portrayal of Lex Luthor was so irritating that he deserved to be incarcerated and kept away fromt he general public for their mutual protection. Snyder spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

Jesse is a method actor as I’m sure you know. That annoying shtick he does in practically every movie, that takes tonnes of preparation. I mean he’s never out of character. He’s so committed. Once we were even shooting really late and he was still in character. It was unbelievable. Ben Affleck came up to me and said ‘Is there anyway we can shut him off?’ That got us all thinking. Of course there wasn’t but as we were shooting in chronological order – because of hair issues – and we were shooting in a real prison, once we got him in the cell, we just locked him in and ‘forgot’ to go back for him.

Won’t you be in trouble legally?

Who gives a shit?

Man of Steel 2 won’t even feature Lex Luthor.

37 THINGS WRONG WITH BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

HOLLYWOOD – Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice has earned record breaking box office but has had something of a critical mauling.

So what went wrong with The Man of Steel and Batman sequels and The Justice League prequel, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice. We lit up the skies above Gotham and Metropolis with our very own FACT signal and the Squad leaped into action. Caution: there are SPOILERS ahead:

1 The plot is terrible. A lot of venom is expended on Zack Snyder but who wrote this crap? David S. Goyer was involved in the Nolan Batmans and they were Shakespeare compared to this. Chris Terrio, I presume as the writer of Argo, is Affleck’s polisher. So who is responsible? And did they actually re-read the script once they wrote it, because it just looks like there are so many first draft problems in here.

2. The action is mostly terrible. Mostly. There are some good bits – the Batman fight in the warehouse is pretty good – but another big fight in another semi-destroyed city. And none of the Superman superhero bits look super-heroic.

3. Everybody does everything for no apparent reason. No motivation is apparent for anyone. No one actually behaves in a way that makes any consistent sense. Again Shakespeare this ain’t, so I’m not looking for layers of psychological interiority but the Road Runner cartoons have more character logic than this film.

4. Everything is in close up. I get it that this is from a comic book and some of the shots slavishly reproduce panels from sources such as The Dark Knight Returns, but this is cinema and just as a Jane Austen adaptation shouldn’t just reproduce reams of chuntering dialogue, so a comic book movie has to work out a way of producing a cinematic version of the story that makes visual sense.

5. We see Batman’s parents getting shot again. One of these days we might have a Batman movie that doesn’t go into the dark origin story, but at the moment every story is an origin story.

6. We see young master Wayne meeting the bats again and being able to fly. We saw this done so much better in Batman Begins and the film doesn’t seem to know whether it wants to carry on from the Nolan films – the destroyed house looks similar – or be different.

7. People walk in slow motion when sad. And leaves fall from trees at funerals – as though the very trees did weep!

8. 9/11 parallels are now officially the worst thing to come out of 9/11 after the invasion of Iraq but before the invasion of Afghanistan. The ineptness of story is much more forgivable if it isn’t loaded with portentous incoherent political subtext.

9. Superman still hasn’t learned to slow down when he lands.

10. Superman has no problem killing people anymore. Lois Lane is now the facilitator who gives him an excuse to off people. And he even gives her a bit of a wink as if they both get off on it.

11. Lois Lane – ace reporter – begins an interview with an African war lord with the probing question: ‘Are you a terrorist?’ This is a quote from The Insider when Christopher Plumber playing Mike Wallace asks the same question, but there it said something about character and it was a television interview. Here it is simply reckless and tactically stupid.

12. Jimmy works for the CIA! WTF?

13. Clark Kent has no charisma, no dopey charm, and acts exactly like Superman as if the costume was the only difference. Cavill should be playing two distinct characters but he barely manages one. Frankly both Superman and Clark Kent are played as Henry Cavill wearing different clothes.

14. Congressional hearings are held about Superman intervening in Africa, but not about his destruction of an entire city in the previous film.

15. Superman looks embarrassed when he turns up at congressional hearings wearing his Superman costume, as if this was a party and he thought it was fancy dress but it wasn’t.

16. Superman doesn’t actually get to say anything at the hearing. You’ve set up a confrontation. Sure the bomb is going to go off, but why not have a bit of to and fro before hand. Some talking, some justifications, some arguments, instead of another CGI explosion, because, Lord knows, that’s what this movie lacks?

17. Why Lex Luthor blows up the hearing is a total mystery. If it was to frame Superman, it doesn’t work. He offs his assistants as well, for no particular reason.

18. Not even Lex Luthor knows why Lex Luthor is doing what Lex Luthor is doing. And there’s no explanation for how Lex Luthor created Facebook. Jesse Eisenberg doesn’t know what Lex Luthor is doing. Or what Jesse Eisenberg is doing.

21. Neither does Zack Snyder.

22. Alfred (Jeremy Irons) doesn’t do much and is sucking a toffee all the way through his performance.

23. Batman is fine with killing people, torturing people, branding people and doesn’t once say ‘To the Batmobile’. And Batman gets into shape by hitting tractor tires with a large hammer.

24. There are dream sequences that are so long that people in them go to sleep and have dream sequences in the dream sequences.

25. Despite being called ‘Superman’, Henry Cavill plays the hero as a teenager with self-esteem issues and who hasn’t had a shit for five days.

26. Gotham and Metropolis are so close they are actually boroughs of each other.

27. No one understands technology. We can clone phones remotely, but we need to physically plug in a thumb drive to get the goods on Lex Luthor.

28. When Lex Luthor introduces Clark Kent to Bruce Wayne, why is he so excited about it? Clark Kent writes for page twenty three of the Daily Planet. He’s a nobody surely.

29. Wonder Woman (Gal Gadot) is great, but she is basically in the film to advertise her own film and the films of The Flash, Acquaman et al.

30. Laurence Fishburne doesn’t deserve this.

31. The sinister Asian female assistant is becoming a bit too much of a thing.

32. Superman dies twice. With zero emotional effect.

33. Doomsday is Troll from Moria. Big CGI monsters are so boring. Why does Lex Luther create him? What was the plan? Was that his plan all along?

34. Lois Lane throws away a kryptonite spear, then goes back to get it and then almost drowns. Needs rescuing. Then Superman almost dies getting the spear.

35. Batman, who knows that the spear can kill Superman, at no point offers to help out with the spear, preferring to see Superman almost die.

36. No one has ever stopped a fight to the death because their mothers share the same name. Not ever.

37. By the way, Adolf Hitler’s mother was called Martha.

This list has finished more because of exhaustion than through any sense of completeness. If you want to add to it please use the comment box.

 

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT HENRY CAVILL

HOLLYWOOD – He is Superman in Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice but what do we really know about British born actor Henry Cavill?

We sent the Studio Exec FACT Squad into Metropolis to discover 5 FACTS about Henry Cavill, the man of steel. Here they are:

  1. Henry Cavill was born on a planet that was about to be destroyed by its own volcanoes. He was placed in a space ship by Maximus.
  2. As well as being The Man From Uncle in Guy Ritchie’s remake, Henry Cavill is actually an uncle, after his brother or sister had a child.
  3. Henry Cavill was originally in contention to play Edward in Twilight, 007 in Casino Royale and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games. He lost the roles for different reasons. He was too old for Twilight; too young for Casino Royale; and too male for The Hunger Games.
  4. Although Henry Cavill killed Michael Shannon at the end of Man of Steel (SPOILER ALERT), he was never arrested because it was all pretend.
  5. While filming Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder encouraged the two leads to have an adversarial relationship by telling them they were both shit.

For more FACTS click HERE.

EXPECTING A ZACK SNYDER FILM TO BE GOOD RECOGNIZED AS MENTAL DISORDER

HOLLYWOOD – Psychiatrists identify Zack Snyder Syndrome as the repeated expectation that a Zack Snyder film will be good.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Handbook of Mental Disorders Fifth Edition – aka DSM-5 – has identified Zack Snyder Syndrome as ‘the persistent expectation that a Zack Snyder film will be anything other than a soggy wash of CGI swill plumped up with foolish pretensions and belabored stupidity’. It registers as a mental illness because of a ‘complete denial of reality and the repeated assumption that future results will proceed from identical initial conditions.’

Dr. Oliver Patrician visited the Studio Exec clinic to speak EXCLUSIVELY about the new condition and in doing so ‘raise awareness’:

We have seen people again and again come with this. They expect Watchmen to be good: and it isn’t. Then they expect Sucker Punch to be good. Again, not great, or good even. Then they go to see Man of Steel and despite repeated warnings and Zack Snyder’s name appearing prominently on publicity materials, they expect it to be great and it isn’t. This leads us to Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice and the strange phenomena that people were still expecting it to be good. At this point, we felt as a body that we ought to step in and diagnose this as an actual condition. Hopefully in the future people who expect a Zack Snyder film to be good will be able to seek treatment in good time.

Why is this condition so widespread?

In a word 300. People thought it was good. Competent. Arresting. And there are moments in all of Zack Snyder’s films but the arc of anticipation, excitement, disappointment and anger; denial, betrayal and grief has become so obviously predictable as to constitute a psychosis.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be banned in many countries following this news.

THE ALIENS FROM V WERE ALMOST IN BATMAN V SUPERMAN SAYS ZACH SNYDER

HOLLYWOOD – Zach Snyder today revealed that the aliens from the popular TV show V almost featured in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice.

Talking at the premier of his new film Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zach Snyder dropped the bombshell that aliens from the popular TV show V almost featured in the new movie. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec red carpet reporter, the 300 director said that the concept of using the aliens had been in the script from an early stage:

I think it was kind of a joke at the first. The idea would be that the aliens from V would be there because we had the letter V in the title of the film, so if anyone complained we could say, ‘look, it was in the title all along’, but after we cast Ben Affleck we thought if we put too many jokes in it, we’d be pushing the audience beyond the limits, so we decided to cut them, as we did all references to the novel by Thomas Pynchon.

What role would the aliens have played?

They were going to be the second string villains. You would have them as the heavies and then Lex Luthor would be revealed to be behind everything. And you have them guzzling rats and tearing their faces accidentally and what have you. I’m a huge fan of the original show, not so much of the remake.

Is there a chance they might appear in a future episode in the franchise?

Funny you should mention that. After all the research I did and all the fun I had writing for the aliens I did start a treatment for the next movie and brought them back to play a fundamental role.

Tentatively titled?

Batman and Superman v V.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is on general release.