SHARON STONE’S VAGINA IS REMASTERED BY THE BFI

LONDON – Next year’s Sharon Stone retrospective at the BFI has run into controversy after the institute’s director,Amanda Nevill, claimed that the infamous flash of Stone’s vagina in Basic Instinct has been altered at the request of Miss Stone herself.

“Sharon has always claimed she was tricked into exposing herself by the director,” said a revealing Nevill:

“Though she fully appreciates it had a significant effect on her career and she has nothing against cinematic nudity per say, she feels the scene was not an accurate representation of her vagina and by utilizing modern technology, it is possible to digitally enhance and more importantly, de-age, her vajayjay.”

Nevill went on to say that the BFI and Stone have been working with James Cameron in a bid to create the ultimate upskirt experience:

“Cameron took hours of footage of Sharon’s vagina from a multitude of angles using his 3D camera. So now when she uncrosses her legs during the infamous interrogation scene the audience will be taken on a swooping three dimensional journey up her skirt and across the surface of her vagina. After several laps of her labia majoria the camera rushes up her vaginal entrance, past her cervix and eventually comes to rest in her uterus. It’s a stunning scene but you cannot appreciate its grandeur until you’ve seen it with your own eyes. Though it is a bit like the end of Star Wars when the X-Wings are attempting to destroy the Death Star.”

We asked James Cameron about his work on the film and he revealed that he was so pleased with the outcome that himself and Stone are planning to develop a Theme Park ride based on the footage.

“We’re currently working on a deal to have Basic Instinct: The Interactive Ride installed at Universal Studios. Almost everything is in place but Michael Douglas is uncomfortable with me sticking a camera up his asshole. We’ve tried it once and he was just not into it but next time I figure I’ll get him drunk first and see what happens.”

The remastered version of Basic Instinct will be shown at the BFI in spring 2020

DORIS DAY RETURNS TO ACTING


LOS ANGELES – Hollywood legend Doris Day confirmed this morning that she will make her acting comeback playing Mickey Rourke’s love interest in Adrian Lyne’s 91 ½ Years.


I’ve been offered so many roles over the past four decades but I was busy running my dog sanctuary, [said a bubbly Day.]

I almost came out of retirement to play the Sharon Stone role in Basic Instinct but they were filming on the days I go to my knitting circle and David Lynch begged me to take the lead in Mullholland Drive but unfortunately I was undergoing hip replacement surgery.

Day confessed she almost turned down the role in Lyne’s erotic thriller but the casting of Mickey Rourke convinced her to accept.

I’ve always admired Mickey. He’s such a professional and it’s always been a fantasy of mine to make love to him on screen. Sure the years haven’t been kind and his face looks like a blind cobbler’s thumb but during our sex scenes I closed my eyes and imagined the pretty boy he once was.

Day went on to say that Lyne was concerned he was tarnishing her wholesome image

Adrian asked if I wanted a body double but I said to hell with it. If you don’t mind bits of me flapping about then let’s make the scenes as realistic as possible. I admit I’m not as naturally limber as I once was after a spoonful of cod liver oil and some light stretching, I’m as flexible as a rhythmic gymnast.     

91 ½ Years is due for release in 2014