WASHINGTON – Donald Trump has sent shock waves through the political establishment by swearing to take complete control of the Spice Melange and by extension the ability to navigate the known universe.

We have got used to Donald Trump’s shock and awe political campaign but today he came out with perhaps the biggest pronouncement so far of the presumptive Republican nominee for president: to control the Spice Melange.

Speaking at a rally in Arkansas, Mr. Trump said:

Everyone’s talking about the oil. The oil. We need oil. And then there’s all the climate change hysterics talking about renewables, but one of these bozos know how the world works the way I do. What we as a country have to understand is that whoever controls the Spice, controls the universe. With the Spice the Navigators Guild will bow to our every demand and the Galactic Empire will become the US Empire. It’ll be beautiful. And so it is for this reason that on my first day in office I will be ordering the invasion of Arakis and the taking of the Spice. Let’s make Arakis great again!

The statement increased suspicion that Mr. Trump’s campaign was being unduly influenced by his Harkonnen family ties. A visibly angry President Obama took the unusual decision to intervene in the ongoing electoral campaign:

Everybody knows that the planet Arakis has been controlled by the Atreides family for as long as we can remember. And Mr. Trump believes that we’re just going to waltz in and take it away from him? How? With what? We don’t have any interplanetary space ships. We can’t ride sand worms. The Fremen our hostile to our intentions. So how is this going to happen? And if he thinks that we haven’t thought about it, then he is sorely mistaken.

The President went on to address some of Mr. Trump’s criticisms of his own policy and language:

And let me say this. His continued insistence that I use the word Dune when describing Arakis is doing more damage to our relations with the rest of the Galaxy than anything else he has come out with so far.

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NEW YORK  – In a real twist to the race for president, it has been revealed that New York business tycoon and Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump’s real name is actually Cletus Harkonnen.

The story was first broken by blogger Max Oxworth (click HERE for that story) who noted certain similarities between Trump and the Harkonnen family, but what was initially read as slightly nerdy satire has now been confirmed as FACT by the Studio Exec. Speaking to a close associate of the Trump family the anonymous source stated:

The fact is that Donald Trump’s family like everyone else except the remnants of the First Nations, comes from immigrant stock. Sometime in the early twentieth century a branch of House Harkonnen came to America from their home planet of Giedi Prime. They had substantial resources and from there was born the property portfoloio which would lie at the heart of the Trump fortune. Some dabbling in Spice as a commodity led to some bad losses and it was around this time that Junty Harkonnen (Donald Trump’s father) changed the family name to Trump, even though his son had already been born and named as Cletus Harkonnen.

Donald Trump’s older brother Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban refused the family name change however and is currently at large in Los Angeles having broken out of a federal prison where he was being held in perpetuity for various heinous crimes.

It is however still unclear how much, if at all, these revelations will hurt the Trump campaign. Political analyst Xavier Poulis commented today in French Cultural magazine Chapeau:

A large number of angry white men see the Harkonnen legacy of unbridled power, disturbing skin disease and sadistic violence not as negative points but as genuine reasons to vote Trump. How far Trump’s policy will be influenced by his family’s influence is yet to be seen, but it should be noted that all of Trump’s employees and campaign staff have been fitted with heart plugs.

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HOLLYWOOD – Police in California have issued an alert for members of the public to practice extreme cautious following the escape last night of Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban from the Pelican Bay Maximum Security Correctional Facility.

The Beast was serving a number of life sentences for murder, war crimes and drug (spice) trafficking, having been arrested in 1984 following the death of his Uncle, Baron Vladimir Harkonnen on the spice planet of Arrakis. He was made famous when David Lynch made a film about his life based on journalist Frank Herbert’s eyewitness account, Dune.

It is believed that the prisoner somehow managed to overpower his guards using brute strength, wrenching arms out of sockets and slapping faces with the wet ends of the torn limbs. Seizing a vehicle, Rabban was last seen on the road out of Crescent City. The vehicle was discovered abandoned a few miles to the South. The police issued a state-wide alert and federal authorities have already arrived on the scene.

The following statement was issued by the authorities:

Glossu ‘The Beast’ Rabban is a highly dangerous individual who is guilty of strangling his own father along with other murders that run easily into double digits. He is ferocious and mentally unstable, and, again, extremely dangerous. If spotted, report immediately to local law enforcement authorities and under no circumstances approach, or attempt to apprehend.

Count Glossu Rabban has always been a figure of some controversy following the murder of his own family. His governorship of the spice planet Arrakis was widely seen as one of Baron Harkonnen’s riskiest policy decisions. Human rights organisations highlighted abuses, torture and illegal killing on a widespread and systemic scale, but while in control of the spice the UN did very little, other than issue strongly worded statements. It was only with the rise to power of Paul ‘Maud’Dib’ Atreides that Rabban was brought to count for his crimes against humanity. In the fictionalized accounts of the events, Rabban was shown as being executed whereas in reality, following a long appeals process his death sentence was commuted to lifelong imprisonment.

More news as the situation develops.