JAMES FRANCO WINS NOBEL PRIZE FOR EVERYTHING

STOCKHOLM – Film director, actor, painter, novelist, poet and co-star of Spider-man 2,  James Franco has swept the board at the Nobel Prizes, the Swedish and Norwegian Academy announced earlier today.

The Academy stated that the award which is usually divided into the Peace Prize and various Sciences, including ‘economic science’, had been awarded to James Franco ‘in recognition of his outstanding mastery of all fields of art, culture, science, performance, politics and life.’

In the past we have had some infamous omissions – Mahatma Gandhi being the most obvious. He was nominated for the Peace Prize but was assassinated before he could be awarded. To see that Gandhi didn’t get a Nobel Peace Prize and Henry Kissinger, or for that matter Barack ‘Drone’ Obama did, beggars belief and brings into disrepute the committee. It was with this in mind that the Academy decided to play it safe with Franco. If we had only given him one prize, the world would have been outraged by the exclusion of all the others so we got really drunk one night and someone shouted, ‘What the hell! Let’s give him the lot!’

James Franco responded to the news with ‘surprise and delight’:

I’d like to say I’m humbled, but with these cheek bones, that’s just not going to happen.

For more James Franco news (and we appear to have a lot) Click Here.

DAVID LETTERMAN TO RETIRE IN ‘YEARS’

NEW YORK – The world of television was reeling after David Letterman announced that he’d be retiring from CBS in a few years.

President Obama expressed shock and sadness while Jimmy Kimmel wept on his television show, tearing his clothes and screaming ‘Why God? WHY?’

Reports of rioting in downtown New York were confirmed as the news spread via social media sites such as ‘Twitter’ and ‘MySpace’. John Travolta was so shocked he actual pronounced Chiwetel Eijofor’s name correctly when he telephoned him to confirm the news. Seth MacFarlane has announced that an episode of Cosmos will now be devoted to giving a scientific explanation of aging and religious leaders, including Pope Francis was quick to assert that this was not proof of the absence of a benevolent creator, though the Pope admitted it did ‘dent God’s image.’

More on this shocking story as we get it. Please feel free to pour out your grief in the comments box below.

NSA TASKED WITH COMBATING SPOILERS

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama has tasked the National Security Agency (or the NSA as they prefer to be known) with a new list of mission priorities in an attempt to improve the flagging image of the Government service.

First of these new missions will be a crackdown on so called SPOILERS, anyone spoiling the plots of films and television shows.

Speaking from the White House, President Obama said:

It has been for too long that our films, our shows, our stories have been spoiled by careless internet chatter and occasionally malicious revelations. That is why today I have signed an executive order giving the NSA full power to assassinate anyone who is found guilty of persistently ruining films and shows for those who have not yet got round to seeing them. Maybe it is too late for the second season of House of Cards, or for the truly stunning True Detective, but with these measures in place we can all look forward to Game of Thrones, knowing we can catch up later and not have to avoid twitter or rush to see it the moment it’s broadcast lest our enjoyment be very literally spoiled.

However, critics of the President were quick to point out that the new NSA directives have a very limited scope. Will Ferrell – spokesperson for SHACK – said:

It’s all very well for the President to make this move and we of SHACK applaud it. However, it will do nothing to combat the main cause of Spoilers in our culture: namely trailers. Until we have a comprehensive strategy in place to rein in the publicity departments who routinely ruin their own movies and give away salient plot points in their posters and trailers, then we at SHACK will tirelessly campaign for the impeachment of President Obama.

What do you think of the NSA’s new directive? Are you in favor or are you a communist perhaps? Please avail yourself of the comments below to make your own mind stain visible to the eyes of the world.   

 

MICHAEL BAY TO DELIVER STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

WASHINGTON – In a last minute change of plans, President Obama has announced that he will be substituted today and Michael Bay will be giving the historic State of the Union address to the joint session of Congress and the Senate. 

The change marks part of ‘a relaxation agenda’ on the part of the second term President who in a note given by his White House spokesman explained he had ‘stuff to do’. When quizzed on what could be more important than addressing the nation, he remarked: ‘Oh you know, important stuff.’
Michael Bay said he was raring to go. 

I had a little set back a few weeks ago. I don’t know if anyone noticed. Anyway I was having lunch when the call came through and Barack said ‘Time to get back on the horse Mikey’. Plus I’m assuming the White House boys are tech savvy. More so than those Samsung assholes anyhow.

It has also been revealed that the content of the address has changed slightly and will have less detail about economics, the recovery and the Affordable Health Care Act and more to do with ‘benefits of ancillary sales’, ‘f*cking the frame’ and ‘Megan Fox’s ass’. As for the environment – thought to be one of President Obama’s new initiatives – Bay was enthused: ‘I fracking love it!’

The State of the Union will be released in 2015.

TOM HANKS PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST

HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’

The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.

The agent stated:

The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.

Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’

Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.

Captain Phillips is currently winning the Oscars. 

THE NSA SENDS THE TERMINATOR TO ASSASSINATE EDWARD SNOWDON

The Studio Exec has received an e-mail from an anonymous source claiming the NSA has activated its secret Terminator programme in order to silence project PRISM whistle blower Edward Snowdon.

“I think the world has a right to know what’s going on,” said the source.

The fact is that James Cameron’s The Terminator was based on a real covert experiment to manufacture time travelling assassins. Lee Harvey Oswald was the original prototype: he was a soldier and volunteered for the role. They told him he was going to be Captain America but in reality, he ended up like Doctor Doom.

The source went on to say that the Terminator has been knocking on hotel room doors in Hong Kong asking if Edward Snowdon is in.

Unfortunately his Googletranslate chip has malfunctioned so he can’t understand Chinese which has already led to the death of a number of innocent civilians.

Snowdon is believed to be aware of the threat and is now rumoured to be located close to a hydraulic press and a lake of molten metal. However President Barack Obamaclaims the former agent has nothing to fear.

I just want to talk to Mr Snowden. If he wants to meet me in Starbucks to have a coffee and a chat then let’s do it. I know a good one in Guantanamo Bay and I’m more than willing to fly him over there for free.

SCIENCE CHANNEL COMMISSIONS THE CREATION

HOLLYWOOD – Following the unbelievable success of the History Channel’s The Bible, the Science Channel have announced the new six part docu-drama The Creation, which will seek ‘to redress the bias towards fact’ in previous documentaries about the origin of the Universe.

Dr. Chip Stadler of the Faith Based Science Institute (FABSI) said:

We have gathered together a team of the top scientists from all around the world – astrophysicists, evolutionary biologists and geologists – and we’ve locked them in a room so they won’t interfere with us as we read the Bible and speak in tongues.  

Dr. Chip argues that the Universe was created by Our benevolent Father, that human beings were created in the Garden of Eden, that women were rib derived and that Noah’s flood reshaped much of the Earth and left maritime ‘fossils’ on mountain tops.

The Earth and the Universe for that matter is only 10,000 years old and the advantage for us is that we only need a six episode show to explain this. If you believed the old communists in the official scientific community, you’d need a twelve part show. 

President Barack Obama – or someone who looks very like him – will be appearing in the role of cancer.  

The Creation will screen in the Fall.

‘THE BIBLE’ PRODUCERS DEFEND CASTING: THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO US

HOLLYWOOD – Producers of the hit TV mini-series The Bible Roma Downey and Mark Burnett responded angrily to criticism that they had cast a Moroccan actor in the role of Satan because of a striking resemblance to President Barack Obama.

‘He is a fine actor who has appeared many times in Biblical style epics and was cast long before we even knew who Obama was,’ said an unknown source. ‘The casting is historically accurate in every way. Satan was tall, thin, of a dark complexion, and believed in socialized medicine and gay marriage.’

The casting has come in for praise by such intellectuals such as Glenn Beck, who in a sophisticated piece of satirical foolery refuses even to name Barack Obama in his daily screeds and rants. His observations were joined by many bloggers and tweets noticing the same resemblance although drawing vastly different conclusions.
Jesus – on the other hand – is played by uncontroversial choice Diogo Whitey White Morgado. Like Jesus, Diogo is Portuguese and white, has a beard and is popular at parties. ‘When I first got the role, I thought yeah,’ said Diogo. ‘Then I saw there were quite a few lines to learn, I thought oh. Then I thought well, never mind. And I did it.’
So the moral to take away from this is… wait a minute why are the History Channel showing this mumbo jumbo?

SACHA BARON COHEN: SHREDDED WHEAT: THE DONALD TRUMP STORY

Donald Tump (aerial shot)
Sacha Baron Cohen

NEW YORK – Sacha Baron Cohen announced he is currently in the process of filming Shredded Wheat: The Donald Trump Story. ‘It’s very funny because we have actually been working on this story for years,’ said the comic actor and Ali G impersonator. ‘It is going to be funny when people see what was me and what was Donald, as in the real Donald. I’ve got him down pat, so I think people are going to be surprised.’
It has been confirmed that Cohen substituted Trump on several episodes of The Apprentice. ‘No one noticed,’ said Cohen. ‘I have a theory that everyone is fixated on his hair. So once you get that right, everything else falls into place.’

So all the ridiculous nonsense about the bet with Obama? That was you. Don’t you think it unethical to intervene in a political process?

No that was Donald. Although I think he might have sneaked into one of our script sessions pretending to be me and came away thinking it was a good idea.  

The title seems a bit cryptic. A bit like Catfish or something. What does it mean?

You’re joking right.


Shredded Wheat: The Donald Trump Story is released on Christmas Day.