BARACK OBAMA ANNOUNCES FIRST PROJECTS ON NETFLIX

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama today announces his first projects on Netflix.

President Barack Obama dropped by the Studio Exec bungalow to talk Netflix.

Hey Exec. How’s it going?

So Netflix eh?

Yeah, I know. It was Michelle’s idea really. We wanted to get away from politics and concentrate on something we’re both passionate about. We both love movies and documentaries, so we thought why not. Plus it’s something we can do together.

And you have some ideas already?

That’s exactly right. Our first project will be a remake of the classic thriller Air Force One.

Oh really? A remake?

But it’s going to be radical. In this one a former president has to kick another president off his plane. I’m actually thinking of taking a role in this. And we have Alec Baldwin playing the villain.

Okay. What else you got Pres?

Krull.

Keep talking. 

Fantasy picture. With a flying castle and a throwing star. Plus we thought that we could do with some more horror stories featuring people of color so we’re developing a feature called Starbucks. Then we have Michael Moore who’s making a documentary/ reality show called Bob’s Full House. And we’re working on a project with Roseanne Barr and Tomi Lahern.

Oh really? That’s interesting. They’re not who I’d expect. 

We’re interested in taking people who don’t agree with us and listening to their point of view. It’s going to be like a non-stop talk show and it will stream live 24 hours a day from Antartica.

Air Force One is due to drop in 2019.

 

 

BARACK OBAMA INTERVIEWS GOD FOR NETFLIX

NEW YORK – Barack Obama interviews God for his new show My Next Guest Needs No Introduction…

Netflix dropped the first episode of Barack Obama’s new in-depth chat show My Next Guest Needs No Introduction, featuring an interview with God. Lasting fifty minutes, the interview covered God’s basic biography while revealing a few intimate details like the relationship with his son Jesus.

‘When it came that first day I had to leave him on Earth, I was … I was emotional. You know you see them grow and then what do you know there already right there, ready to go out and lead a ministry to save humanity from eternal damnation. And I’m not going to lie the crucifixion was hard for a father to see.’

They talked about a man who inspired them.

‘Morgan Freeman is an inspiration to me. Not simply because he’s a great actor. Not because of the beautiful timbre of his voice – my what an instrument – but because he didn’t get a break until he was in his fifties. Can you imagine that? All that work and it took so long. What dedication!’

God also asked Obama some questions. Specifically about the new President. But as skillful and tactful as ever, Obama refused to be drawn and turned the interview towards God’s hopes for the future.

‘There a such a huge amount of inequality out there. I see people hungry, people without homes. I think there but for the grace of me goes me. I can’t work it out. I put enough stuff down here for everyone. And yet some people have more than they can ever possibly use and others have nothing. I can’t help but feel that’s on you guys.’

Barack Obama will interview Buddha and George Clooney on the next episode of My Next Guest Needs No Introduction on Netflix.

PRESIDENT OBAMA TO REPLACE TREVOR NOAH ON THE DAILY SHOW

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama is to take over from Trevor Noah as host of the Daily Show early next year.

Following eight massively successful gigs at the Annual Correspondents Dinner in Washington President Obama is ready for the big time. Ever since Jon Stewart left, The Daily Show has been treading water. South African host Trevor Noah has valiantly tried to take on what many saw as an impossible job, but now it looks as though he was basically keeping the seat warm as President Obama finished his official duties.

President Obama spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

I won’t deny it. I’ve really enjoyed the times I’ve been allowed to let loose with some jokes. The dinners have been the highlight of my presidency. I mean Killing Osama Bin Laden was one thing, but killing it is another thing altogether.

Who are your comic heroes?

Well, I won’t deny that I am a huge fan of Jon Stewart obviously, but I also go back to Richard Pryor as my all out hero. He is the best. Bill Hicks and Louis CK as well as George Carlin are close but it is Richie who really got me into listening to comedy albums. He’s just so raw and true. And he’s lived the life if you know what I mean.

The Daily Show with Barack Obama will broadcast in January 2017.

 

MERRICK GARLAND JOINS THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

HOLLYWOOD – Barack Obama’s Supreme Court Justice nominee Merrick Garland has joined Zack Snyder’s Justice League movie.

Following Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, Zack Snyder’s new film The Justice League has been joined by Supreme Court Justice nominee, Merrick Garland.

Snyder phoned the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY to speak about the project:

It was the perfect storm of opportunity. Merrick Garland was nominated for the Supreme Court and it looks like that nomination will be blocked. I phoned and I said, ‘Listen, I can nominate you to another kind of Supreme Court.’ And he said ‘Well, all right. What do I need?’ I asked if he had a cape. He said he had robes and I said we start filming last Wednesday.

Garland will be joined by Ben Affleck, Henry Clavill and Willem Dafoe. President Barack Obama has already congratulated Garland and has also expressed his hope that the nomination will still go through. However, Ted Cruz and Donald Trump have both said that they will block the casting if they become president.

The Justice League will be released in 2017.

PRESIDENT OBAMA BANS COLDPLAY FROM THE US

WASHINGTON – President Barack Obama today issued an Executive Order which bans the British ‘rock’ group Coldplay from all US territories.

In an unprecedented move, President Obama has formally banned the ‘music’ group Coldplay from the USA. In a statement the White House said:

President Barack Obama has looked with some concern on the rise of the British music guitar based pop group Coldplay for some time. Their dull noodlings have a stultifying effect on culture general and so with some regret the President has taken the step of issuing a ban denying visas and entrance to Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland and Will Champion and whoever will in the future be a member of the group to the country.

In an interview with the Studio Exec, President Obama said:

They’re just so awful. The last straw however was the halftime show at the Superbowl. It was bad enough that those glasses of milk had to drag Beyonce down with them. At that point I knew I had to do something. But it isn’t just music, scientists have concluded that the group contribute to global warming just by being so tedious.

Coldplay were unavailable for comment.

BARACK OBAMA CONSIDERS LAW TO PREVENT INDIANA JONES 5

HOLLYWOOD – The President of the United States of America Barack Obama is considering a possible legislative solution to the imminent threat of Indiana Jones 5.

Responding to the news that Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are threatening to follow the unwiped stain of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Indiana Jones 5, President Obama has declared his intention to seek some sort of legal ban to prevent the movie being made.

I have spoken with my counterparts in the UN, the European Union, Vladimir Putin and the Chinese and for once the world speaks as one. This movie must not be made. Anyone who saw Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull has repeated solemnly, never again.

The UN had previously shown its resolve when it declared Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull a war crime and sought to bring George Lucas and Steven Spielberg to book for what they had done to a once loved movie franchise. Special envoy to the UN Kurtz Kurts told the Studio Exec:

The original was a rip-roaring adventure with all the charm of the old movie matinees that inspired it. The original trilogy was a trilogy. It told the story and gave a satisfactory arc to the whole proceedings. Crystal Skull by contrast deserves to be dropped into a disused mine shaft and then covered in concrete, which is what we’ve spent over $7 million doing over the last three years. I mean…Shia LaBeouf.

Indiana Jones 5 will be released in 2018.

 

RIDLEY SCOTT TO DIRECT BARACK OBAMA BIOPIC

HOLLYWOOD – Ridley Scott has announced that his next film will be a biopic on the life of President Barack Obama, the 44th President of the United States of America.

Despite having a full slate with the Prometheus sequel on the cards, Ridley Scott has confirmed that he will be also lensing a new biopic of the first Afro-American President Barack Obama. Scott came into the Studio Exec office to talk EXCLUSIVELY about his project.

I was under a lot of criticism for Exodus: Gods and Kings for the casting and I really resented the fact that there were accusations of white washing and therefore what could only be racism on my part. I wanted a way of expressing myself that would make it clear that I am far from being a racist. So what better than a biopic of our first black president?

And who will play Obama?

Matt Damon.

But he’s…

A wonderful actor I know.

But he’s not black.

He’s not gay either and you should have seen him banging Liberace in Behind the Candelabra.

The President will be released in 2017.

PRESIDENT OBAMA ASKS TO SEE DONALD TRUMP’S DICK CERTIFICATE

WASHINGTON – In an unprecendented intervention in the Republican nomination primaries, President Barack Obama has asked to see Donald Trump’s dick certificate.

The call came from the White House following the last Republican debate in which the ex-reality star Donald Trump seemed to imply that his penis was of normal size or perhaps a little larger.

The President however, apparently stung by Trump’s insistence on seeing Barack Obama’s birth certificate, replied that it wasn’t enough for Mr. Trump to assert that he has a normal or slightly larger than normal schlong.

I think, and I believe the American people would agree with me, that the next Commander in Chief must be as good as his or her word. If they make a claim that is easily verifiable then that must be verified. If Hillary Clinton has to publish her emails and I have to produce my birth certificate, then it is only right that Mr. Trump produce evidence – a dick certificate if you will – that he has it where it counts.

Mr. Trump has failed to respond but a hashtag trending on Twitter calls for the mogul to whip it out. Ted Cruz replied that size wasn’t important and Marco Rubio has suggested that they all wear no trousers to the next debate, saying that ‘he believed in complete transparency’.

13 HOURS REVEALS OBAMA’S KEY BENGHAZI ROLE

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Bay’s new film 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi features a scene in which the President of the United States Barack Obama is portrayed as leading the attack against the US compound.

Action director Michael Bay’s new film about the Benghazi attack  – 13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi – has caused controversy for a scene which clearly shows President Obama organizing and leading the attack against the US compound.

Michael Bay defended his film to the Studio Exec, saying:

We have carefully researched the events leading up to and including the attack on the compound. Until now we have always thought that there were a series of mistakes prior to the attack and then following it, lies and media manipulation about what happened. Now we also know that President Obama personally organised the attack and himself donned a disguise and took part in the assault against US forces.

Oh my God!

I know. We were happy to give him and Hillary Clinton a fair shake, but this evidence is too damning.

So what evidence do you have?

Well, at first none. But as we were going over the footage that we had gathered of the demonstrations and what not we began to see a figure who looked familiar. The quality of the images weren’t great and then it occurred to me, if giant robots can disguise themselves as cars and trucks, why can’t a US President – this US President – disguise himself as a terrorist and carry out his secret plan?

That’s the evidence?

It all came together. It all makes sense.

13 Hours: The Secret Soldiers of Benghazi is released Thursday.

BARACK OBAMA TO GUEST HOST SNL

NEW YORK – Following President Barack Obama’s hit turn on Jimmy Kimmel Live – reading nasty tweets – it has been revealed that POTUS will guest host Saturday Night Live some time later this year.

Showrunner Lorne Michaels told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

We’ve been trying to book Barack now for years. He has a fine comic talent. His corrsepondent’s dinner speeches are classics of stand up and when I saw him on Kimmel, I won’t lie I was mad as hell. He’d always told us he was too busy with affairs of state to come over and do some hosting for us. So I got him on the phone and this time there was no backing out.

President Obama himself issued a statement confirming that the long awaited comedy turn would happen.

I am leader of the free world and one of the most powerful men in the Western Hemisphere. I’m Commander in Chief and I have the powers of the NSA, CIA, FBI and a number of drones at my beck and call. But what I really want to do is make people laugh. I enjoyed my time with Jimmy Kimmel and I am really looking forward to joining the SNL cast and kicking back with some hilarious sketches. I’m particularly eager to team up with Sarah Palin, who I hear is as funny a gal in real life as she is on television.

The news comes as rumors circulate about a possible prime time spot for Barack Obama in his post presidential career. The show that has been touted will be written by Jon Favreau and will be titled Barack Obama’s Laugh In.

Barack Obama presents SNL will be broadcast sometime in April.

 

LEGO MOVIE RIOTS BREAK OUT IN LA

HOLLYWOOD – Police and civic leaders were this evening calling for calm as riots continued to rage across Los Angeles following the snubbing of The Lego Movie at the Academy  Awards nominations.

People had begun to gather early in the afternoon when an ugly rumor spread that How to Train Your Dragon 2 had been nominated whereas The Lego Movie had been neglected entirely. An eyewitness told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

At first people were chanting wry stuff like ‘Everything is not f*cking Awesome’ and ‘Down with President Business’ when someone spotted a guy wearing a Big Hero 6 t-shirt and it all went crazy. Petrol bombs were thrown, windows broken, the police responded with tear gas and baton charges.

President Barack Obama was one of many voices calling for calm, but has also ordered the mobilization of the National Guard.

In his television address this evening, the President said:

I am calling on everyone to stay at home and maintain law and order. I know that it absolutely blows that Lord and Miller’s film wasn’t recognized. And for what? How to Train Your Dragon 2? But we must keep a sense of proportion. These are the Oscars. They really don’t matter that much, except to George Clooney and Leonardo diCaprio.

Chris Miller and Philip Lord both tweeted about their dissatisfaction but with trademark good humor. Neither of them have responded to accusations that they were the main instigators of the riots. Late last night Fox News’ Bill O’Reilly stated that:

The Lego Movie encourages civil unrest, portrays violent protest as legitimate with its frankly communist attack on our economic system and our need for social obedience. No wonder pinheads are fighting on the streets of Los Angeles.

The Oscars are a bunch of bullsh*t on February 22nd, 2015.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has been one of the most startling and confusing incidents of last year and the Studio Exec FACT squad have been on the case behind the firewall and under the radar.

1. North Korea are responsible for the Sony Hack. The DPRK were angered by the James Franco/Seth Rogen ‘comedy’ The Interview because of the way it ridiculed the country’s leader Kim Jong-un.

2. A Sony insider is responsible for the Sony Hack. The ex-employee was angered by lay offs that Sony had recently carried out.

3. President Obama is responsible for the Sony Hack to distract the liberal mainstream media from the conspiracy that caused deaths in Benghazi.

4. Seth Rogen and James Franco are responsible for the Sony Hack because they wanted to boost business for what is a tediously dull frat boy comedy.

5. I am responsible for the Sony Hack because Sony are shit and one of the shittest things that they have done beyond their normally shit things is obviously  The Interview.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

FRANCO AND ROGEN HANDED OVER TO NORTH KOREA

HOLLYWOOD – Seth Rogen and James Franco have been captured and handed over to North Korea, following an executive order by President Obama.

Barack Obama told the White House press corp that he had interrupted his family vacation to sign the order, after a private screening of the film The Interview which has been at the center of whirlwind of controversy and has led to heightened tensions between the two countries.

The President stated:

At first I was angry at Sony for folding to the pressure of North Korea, but after I saw the film I was furious at them for green lighting The Interview in the first place. It’s a complete piece of shit. Adolescent brain dead humor, and James Franco trying to invent himself as a comic actor? No, no, no.

The FBI picked up the two actors who were due to make an appearance at a Boxing Day screening in Los Angeles and they were immediately handed over to the CIA who flew them to China where they were taken across the border to North Korea, where it is believed there is a very real possibility that they will not be treated well.

President Obama responded to accusations that he himself was folding to pressure from a dictatorship:

It’s got nothing to do with Kim Jong-un and him being displeased. It’s to do with the fact that these guys have made a shitty film and the American people need protecting from shitty films. Franco and Rogen are now in the hands of the DPRK and their ability to make a sequel to The Interview or for that matter Pineapple Express is severely depleted.

The Interview review is available here. 

CAMP X-RAY: REVIEW

Bella from Twilight has joined the army where she forms a tentative relationship with a disgruntled Harry Potter fan.

Kristen Stewart stars as Amy Cole, a young army recruit whose career begins with a tour of duty in Gitmo where detainees (not prisoners, importantly) are kept in an endless para-legal purgatory. Here she meets Detainee Amir Ali (Payman Moaadi), a man whom we have seen arrested eight years earlier. He has been brutalised and reduced until he maintains a thin sliver of humanity through futile gestures of rebellion. ‘If I obey the rules than I admit your right to make the rules,’ he tells Cole. Initially the two are hostile, exchanging insults as Amir demands the seventh Harry Potter novel which he feels is being kept from him to torment him further, but Cole begins to see the injustice of the system of which she is a part and an essential kinship between them as both marginalised individuals.

Debut writer and director Peter Sattler does a good job with the day to day life of the inmates and the guards who are themselves reduced to unfeeling automatons, killing time until they can be rotated out. ‘Better than being in Iraq,’ one guard suggests to a whithering look from Cole.  The film is well shot and for the most part avoids cliché, but the problem with the film is its restraint. The film isn’t really about Guatanamo at all, but rather about a young American woman going through an unusual and original rights of passage. She will have to overcome the sexism and bullying of her nasty CPL Randy (?) played by Lane Garrison. She will learn to understand the limits of her own ambition and befriend the monster in his den like that other Bella from Beauty and the Beast. The beast who cannot be transformed (for legal and political reasons) Amir is reduced to a heart-warming learning moment and the inadequacy of this response to the injustices meted on him and his fellow prisoners is played out in an ending so bathetic as to be almost intentionally insulting. To hgive everyone the benefit of the doubt, I would say that Sattler was being forced into some kind of upbeat resolution and so sabotaged it by making it as pat as possible.

But ultimately, the film tries to put a gloss on a horrible situation by simply ignoring it, a solution President Obama adopted shortly after taking office.

For more Movie Reviews CLICK HERE