KRISTEN STEWART SUES BAFTA

HOLLYWOOD – Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA for defamation of character portrayal as the British Academy snubs her in this year’s awards. A spokesperson for the Royal Family has also confirmed she will be doing so as a ‘private citizen’. So, as Kristen Stewart sues BAFTA, The Exec sat down to speak to her about this litigious decision.

So Kristen, This Seems Like Drastic Action To Take?

You will address me as Her Royal Highness, Princess Of Hearts, what-what-what.

Eh? But You ARE Kristen Stewart. The Actress. Diana Was A Character You Portrayed.

You utter buffoon. You sound exactly like those proletariat, Windsor-minions at BAFTA. They have their tongues so far up the Royal family’s what-have-you it was obvious they were never going to nominate one for Best Actress. What-what-what.

But Is It Right To Expect Nominations?

Look ‘ere, Miles, if that even is your real name. One did not become another person for nothing y’know. I went to the trouble of being possessed for this picture. For What? Just to have those Gin swigging BAFTA oiks to ignore one? We are not amused. That lot wouldn’t know a decent performance if it bit them on their civil list. What-what-what.

What Do You Hope To Achieve With This Court Action?

One isn’t doing it for one’s self y’know. One is taking this action for all the other A-list actors out there. Those brave souls taking highly paid roles with the reasonable expectation of snagging a statuette or seven. One wants to stand on stages and know that people love me. LOVE ME! All my subjects must love me. The adoration of common movie attendees along with perfume advertising paychecks is not enough. One must have awards. What-what-what.

That Sounds Very Noble Of You

Well, one is nobility, after all. Hahahaha! What-what-what.

The BAFTA Awards Take Place On March 13th

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE BAFTAS

LONDON – The Studio Exec is at the BAFTAs this evening which is kind of like the Oscars if the Oscars said ‘pavement’ and ‘fancy a cup of tea vicar’.

Here are 5 FACTS in an envelope and ‘I wish to thank….’

1. A BAFTA has suffered from inflation in recent years. In the forties a BAFTA was worth three Oscars but now you need seventeen BAFTAs to get an Oscar on the open market.

2. BAFTA stands for British Affable Fellows for Tea Association. It was formed in the 1930s to promote tea etiquette following the 1927 cup and saucer riots of Old London Town, which was actually destroyed in the riots to be rebuilt into the London we know today. BAFTA promoted affable tea drinking until it got bored and turned its attention to the ‘flicks’.

3. Celebrating British film has been difficult because the most of the stuff is ‘frightful tosh featuring spotty oiks in stiff collared shirts’ The New Yorker. However, due to new rules if a film is touched by a British person it immediately becomes a British film, (see Gravity).

4.  Many people are celebrating this year as a vintage one in British cinema with such film as The Selfish Giant, Gravity and Philomena competing this year. Next year will see the release of a film which combines characters from each film as a young child rescues fallen space debris to attract his long lost Irish mother who keeps saying ‘fecking eejit’ in an amusing way.

5. Tom Hiddleston, Mark Strong, Benedict Cumberbatch, Michael Fassbender, Idris Elba and Chiwitel Ejiofor are all actually German except for Fassbender who’s Welsh.  

For more FACTS click HERE.

THE ALTERNATIVE 2013 BAFTA NOMINATIONS












The ‘Shakespeare in Love’ Award for Worst Picture (Sponsored by Pedigree Chum)

Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Friends With Kids


The Paul W.S. Anderson Award for Worst Director (Sponsored by Marmite)

Ridley Scott – Prometheus
Jennifer Westfeldt – Friends With Kids
Fernando Meirelles – 360
Jonathan Liebesman – Wrath of The Titans
Playing for Keeps – Gabriele Muccino

The Jude Law Award for Worst Actor (Sponsored by Ronseal)

Liam Neeson – Taken 2
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance/Stolen
Vince Vaughn – The Watch
Eddie Murphy – A Thousand Words
Matthew Fox – Alex Cross

The Julia Roberts Award for Worst Actress ( Sponsored by Tena Lady)

Katherine Heigl – One for the Money
Kate Beckinsdale – Underworld: Awakening
Rachel Weisz – 360
Uma Thurman – Bel Ami
Rosamund Pike – Wrath of the Titans

The ‘Prometheus bitter disappoint of the year award’ (Sponsored by Weyland Industries)

Prometheus

The ‘Nicole Kidman award for dodgy plastic surgery’ (sponsored by Chupa Chups)

Jennifer Westfeldt

The ‘Probably dead next year so let’s give them an award’ Award ( Sponsored by Interflora)

Anthony Hopkins

The ‘Dennis Quaid Award for Outstanding contribution to mediocrity’.(Sponsored by Wallmart)

Clive Owen