HOLLYWOOD – Scientists in Zurich have revealed that the proximity of the word ‘Bad’ to the front of a film’s title, reduces its funniness by a gazillioneth.

Recent comedies such as Bad Grandpa and Bad Neighbors and now Bad Moms have categorically proven that the word Bad at the beginning of the movie title makes it almost automatically bad. And not Bad in some ironic, sick, young people’s way of talking bad, but just bad the way dog shit in a picnic basket or a cemetery devoted to the under fives is bad. We’re not talking about the Michael Jackson Bad, except – in another context – perhaps we are.

Dr. Zarkhoff told the Studio Exec:

Jesus Christ, I’m trying to do some work here. Will you get out of here? For the love of Mike! Not there, don’t put it there. Yeah, so what do you want to know? Oh, yeah the use of the word Bad at the beginning of movie titles? Yes, your instinct is correct. There has been a Bad Teacher, Bad Santa, Bad Grandpa, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II and Bad Lieutenant, none of which were funny. With the exception of Bad Lieutenant. I don’t know why they continue to try, but perhaps it’s because of Breaking Bad which was very popular. Or Superbad, which was, you know, okay. But I don’t know. Partly it has to be something to do with getting to the front of the Netflix queue. Something like that. Although 000000000000,1 Aardvark is a far better title if that’s what you want.

Bad Studio Exec will be released in 2017.


LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.


 HOLLYWOOD – With Transformers: Age of Extinction ruling at the box office, Michael Bay took some time to talk to the Studio Exec about his planned remake of The Sorrow and the Pity.

The Bad Boys II director said:

It’s been a pet project of mine for years. I’ve been fascinated by the effect Nazism had on ordinary people and there’s always that ‘what if…?’ question that both Americans and probably the Brits too feel. As in what if we’d had to live under Nazi occupation?

The 1969 documentary by Marcel Orphuls reconstructs the occupation of a small French town Clermont-Ferrand and the collaboration of the Vichy government as well as the resistance of local anti-Nazis via a set of interviews. The four and a half hour documentary is considered one of the most valid cinematic responses to the experience of life under Nazism. The Rock director continued:

The good thing about having the Transformers gig is that it frees you up to do what you really want to. Look no one, no adult, wants to spend their life making films about over-sized toys destroying cities. But that 100 million we just took will go a long way to finance my fictionalized version of The Sorrow and the Pity. Already I made a sly nod to it with Pain and Gain, which you’ll notice had a something and something else title, just like Orphuls’ film. 

Michael Bay’s The Sorrow and the Pity is due out in 2016.


HOLLYWOOD – As Michael Bay’s Transformers 4 approaches, Prof. Mandy Artelis, Associate Professor of Contemporary History at Columbia University has launched a scathing attack against Michael Bay and the entire Transformers franchise, claiming the films are “A distortion of facts when they are not outright invention.”

In her book The Truth Behind Transformers, published today, Professor Artelis argues that the director of the films, Michael Bay, is culpable of “Gross exaggeration” and at times “Wild flights of fancy.” 
Professor Artelis writes:

The material covering the Cybertron civil war is consistent with known facts, as well as Megatron’s arrival on earth and his hiatus, whilst frozen in Arctic ice. However, all this stuff with Sam and his girlfriend, his parents, the racist robots, and some ridiculous machine called “Bumble Bee”, that is all pure invention. The Allspark was not hidden under the Hoover Dam, but that inaccuracy I can allow as it was no doubt a question of national security.

Having researched the material thoroughly, her verdict is damning – “I would say 30% you can just throw straight out in the trash. And of the 70% that remains, 50% of that is fairly dubious. This is particularly disappointing because Bad Boys and The Island were both, more or less, 100% historically accurate.”

And Pearl Harbor?

“F*ck off.”

Michael Bay was unavailable for comment as he is currently in Vietnam waging a war. Click here for more on that story.

Transformers 4 will be released in 2014 (God have mercy on our souls).