PUTTING THE WORD BAD IN FRONT OF COMEDIES MAKES THEM UNFUNNY

HOLLYWOOD – Scientists in Zurich have revealed that the proximity of the word ‘Bad’ to the front of a film’s title, reduces its funniness by a gazillioneth.

Recent comedies such as Bad Grandpa and Bad Neighbors and now Bad Moms have categorically proven that the word Bad at the beginning of the movie title makes it almost automatically bad. And not Bad in some ironic, sick, young people’s way of talking bad, but just bad the way dog shit in a picnic basket or a cemetery devoted to the under fives is bad. We’re not talking about the Michael Jackson Bad, except – in another context – perhaps we are.

Dr. Zarkhoff told the Studio Exec:

Jesus Christ, I’m trying to do some work here. Will you get out of here? For the love of Mike! Not there, don’t put it there. Yeah, so what do you want to know? Oh, yeah the use of the word Bad at the beginning of movie titles? Yes, your instinct is correct. There has been a Bad Teacher, Bad Santa, Bad Grandpa, Bad Boys, Bad Boys II and Bad Lieutenant, none of which were funny. With the exception of Bad Lieutenant. I don’t know why they continue to try, but perhaps it’s because of Breaking Bad which was very popular. Or Superbad, which was, you know, okay. But I don’t know. Partly it has to be something to do with getting to the front of the Netflix queue. Something like that. Although 000000000000,1 Aardvark is a far better title if that’s what you want.

Bad Studio Exec will be released in 2017.

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.