THE GOLDEN GLOBES TO BE HELD IN TOTAL SILENCE

HOLLYWOOD – The 75th Golden Globes awards will be held in total silence.

Tonight the 75th Golden Globes takes place at the Beverly Hills Hilton in Hollywood. Hosted by Seth Meyers, many have wondered what the ceremony will do to reflect the post-Weinstein world and the growth of the #MeToo movement which has shaken Hollywood. Already many of the participants have pledged to wear black to show solidarity for victims of sexual harassment, but the organisers have decided to go one step further and present the whole awards ceremony in silence.

A spokesperson for the Hollywood Foreign Press Association told the Studio Exec:

To begin with we thought we’d have a minute’s silence. But then we asked why a minute? It seems so arbitrary. So we decided that the whole show will be held entirely in silence.

Wow.

We talked to Seth Meyers and at first we were nervous about how he would feel, but it turns out he’s a huge fan of Buster Keaton. He said he’d be happy to do the whole thing in silence.

It’ll be different.

It will be.

How are you going to do the announcement of the winners?

With title cards.

The Golden Globes screens this evening.

JACKIE CHAN TURNS UP TO THE OSCARS WAY TOO EARLY

HOLLYWOOD – Last night Jackie Chan turned up to the Oscars way too early.

Hong Kong action star Jackie Chan attended an Oscar ceremony three months before they were due to begin.

Having awarded himself a life-time achievement award, the Drunken Master himself spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

The fact of the matter is they’re not going to give me an Oscar if I hang around until February. The traffic is always bad and the paparazzi are there too. Plus I think I have a birthday that weekend. Anyway, this way I get the Oscar and I have it for Christmas as well.

Star of over 500 films, Jackie Chan has broken more bones than Kevin James has eaten Doritos. The Oscar stands as a belated award for his sterling contribution to comedy, action and martial arts movie making.

Jackie Chan’s Waiting for Godot will be released in 2017.

 

BEASTMASTER TO HOST OSCARS

HOLLYWOOD – In a surprise move it was revealed today that the Oscars will no longer be hosted by Neil Patrick Harris, who has moved aside to be replaced by Beastmaster.

The How I Met Your Mother star spoke EXCLUSIVELY to Studio Exec about the shift:

Of course I was really excited about the gig. I had worked on material and we were going to do song and dance numbers as well. But late Friday night the call came in that Beastmaster was going to be available after all. And the minute I heard that I acquiesced. This is a historic moment in Oscar history.

Beastmaster had been approached in the early 1980s to host the Oscars but had consistently refused claiming that the awards ceremony was an infantile way of judging a medium which ‘should aspire to artistic relevance and genuine profundity, not these feeble trinkets’. Despite this the Academy continued to woo Beastmaster for three decades claiming that ‘What with the animal demographic alone, he could make the show a spectacular success.’

Beastmaster was born in a realm of fantasy and despite living the humble life of a hero and demi-God, he gained fame in 1982 when he was the subject of the film Beastmaster starring Marc Singer. Two sequels and a TV series followed, but lately Beastmaster’s powers have been on the wane. Uma Thurman, a longstanding critic of Beastmaster told Studio Exec:

I met Beastmaster when we were making Kill Bill Volume 2. He was great buddies with David Carradine and he came on location. It was sad really. This guy had commanded lions and mountain wolves, eagles and bison. Now he had this little otter on a string that he’d jerk and pretend was coming to his summons. It was pathetic.

What do you think of him presenting the Oscars?

Oh that’ll be great. He’ll bring his A game, I’m sure.

The Oscars will be broadcast on Sunday. 

5 THINGS WE LEARNED FROM THE GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – The Studio Exec sent in the world famous FACT squad to find out exactly what the Golden Globes taught us about everything.

1. George Clooney went and got married when no one was looking. The world’s most famous bachelor tied the knot with some civil rights lawyer or other sometime in the last year, probably during some kind of secret ceremony.

2. Bill Cosby is easier to joke about than Woody Allen, because everyone is pretty sure he did it. Whereas last year’s Cecil B. DeMille recipient Woody Allen was sniped at via social media by Mia Farrow et al, Tina Fey and Amy Poehler had a couple of rapey jokes which even Ricky Gervais wouldn’t have got away with.

3. Pompeii might not be such a run in for the best picture nomination as previously predicted.

4. Jeremy Renner is in line for Andrew Dice Clay’s crown as stand up comedian of risque material, with his ‘Look at the Golden Globes on you’ hilarious rib-tickler which he slotted in Jennifer Lopez’s direction, who – it turns out – has breasts. You see it’s funny because it’s true. Hmmmm. That one should have stayed in the Joke Locker.

5. Hollywood can take a joke. Except for Emma Stone, who seemed to be quite pissed at being referred to as a Big Eyes painting. And Wes Anderson who rolled his eyes at a riff on his whimsy. And Oprah Winfrey who didn’t seem to get the irony of Tina Fey. And Jeremy Renner can’t tell a joke, who isn’t, to be fair, funny.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

POMPEII SNUBBED AT GOLDEN GLOBES

HOLLYWOOD – Paul Thomas Anderson might have scored hits with There Will Be Blood and Magnolia but his latest film Pompeii was roundly snubbed by the Golden Globes where it failed to pick up a single award.

The washout will undoubtedly dent its current status as an Oscar front-runner (Click Here for more on that story), calling into question the widely heard rumor that it might take home a record breaking 14 Oscars, beating Peter Jackson’s slightly inferior Return of the King.

Awards commentator Dulex DeBrav spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

There are certain awards that I think Pompeii missed out on because of the peculiar category divisions in the Globes. For instance, Kit Harrington didn’t even get a nomination, perhaps because the category is divided between Best Actor (Drama) and Best Actor (Comedy or a Musical). Now is Pompeii a drama, or a comedy? It really depends on where you’re sitting. And perhaps more importantly, is Kit Harrington really an actor? I don’t know.

You know nuthin, Jon Snow.

Yeah, that’s f*cking hilarious.

Sorry.

Also you have to realize that these awards ceremonies are intensely political and you have to canvas. But with Paul Thomas Anderson working so hard he also directed Inherent Vice this year, there’s a case for saying he might have dropped the ball and neglected to do the schmoozing that I’m afraid is necessary.

Pompeii wasn’t the only upset. A Million Ways to Die in the West failed to glean anything and The Interview despite a staunch internet campaign by North Korea to bring the movie to the attention of voters also left empty handed. George Clooney produced gasps in his acceptance speech for the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, when he failed to announce his candidacy for the US Presidential elections, making it the seventh year in a row in which he has omitted to do so.

The Golden Globes will be back again in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT THE EMMYS

HOLLYWOOD – It is very difficult to understand everything, what with complexity and nuance and the enduring popularity of Kevin James movies. So the Studio Exec FACT Squad gives you five FACTS that you can take to the FACT bank. The Emmys.

  1. The Emmys are similar to the Oscars and the Golden Globes, because they have an s at the end, but different because instead of rewarding excellence in the film industry or portraying someone dying of Aids, they reward excellence in the television industry, or portraying someone dying of Aids.
  2. The name Emmy comes from Immy which in turn is short for Image Orthicon Tube. Or it’s the nickname Syd Cassyd had for his wife’s vagina. One of the two.
  3. The most awarded show for the Emmys was Knots Landing and the most awarded individual William Devane who won seventeen Emmys, but none – ironically – for Knots Landing.
  4. In order to promote a new sense of seriousness the Emmys for the first time in years will be presented by a none comedian. Jimmy Fallon has been chosen to provide the required sobriety.
  5. The first Emmy ever given was to Germany for its coverage of the Olympic games in 1936.

FACTS FACTS and some more FACTS can be found elsewhere on www.thestudioexec.com which is basically here.

LEST WE FORGET: MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY

HOLLYWOOD – With the McConaissance in full flow following the success of True Detective and his cameo in The Wolf of Wall Street, it is important to remember there exists another Matthew McConaughey. Read on. And remember this is absolutely true.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to the Academy for this—all 6,000 members. Thank you to the other nominees. All these performances were impeccable in my opinion. I didn’t see a false note anywhere. I want to thank Jean-Marc Vallée, our director. Want to thank Jared Leto, Jennifer Garner, who I worked with daily.There’s a few things, about three things to my account that I need each day. One of them is something to look up to, another is something to look forward to, and another is someone to chase. Now, first off, I want to thank God. ‘Cause that’s who I look up to. He has graced my life with opportunities that I know are not of my hand or any other human hand. He has shown me that it’s a scientific fact that gratitude reciprocates. In the words of the late Charlie Laughton, who said, “When you’ve got God, you got a friend. And that friend is you.”To my family, that who and what I look forward to. To my father who, I know he’s up there right now with a big pot of gumbo. He’s got a lemon meringue pie over there. He’s probably in his underwear. And he’s got a cold can of Miller Lite and he’s dancing right now. To you, Dad, you taught me what it means to be a man. To my mother who’s here tonight, who taught me and my two older brothers… demanded that we respect ourselves. And what we in turn learned was that we were then better able to respect others. Thank you for that, Mama. To my wife, Camila, and my kids Levi, Vida and Mr. Stone, the courage and significance you give me every day I go out the door is unparalleled. You are the four people in my life that I want to make the most proud of me. Thank you.And to my hero. That’s who I chase. Now when I was 15 years old, I had a very important person in my life come to me and say “who’s your hero?” And I said, “I don’t know, I gotta think about that. Give me a couple of weeks.” I come back two weeks later, this person comes up and says “who’s your hero?” I said, “I thought about it. You know who it is? It’s me in 10 years.” So I turned 25. Ten years later, that same person comes to me and says, “So, are you a hero?” And I was like, “not even close. No, no, no.” She said, “Why?” I said, “Because my hero’s me at 35.” So you see every day, every week, every month and every year of my life, my hero’s always 10 years away. I’m never gonna be my hero. I’m not gonna attain that. I know I’m not, and that’s just fine with me because that keeps me with somebody to keep on chasing.So, to any of us, whatever those things are, whatever it is we look up to, whatever it is we look forward to, and whoever it is we’re chasing, to that I say, “Amen.” To that I say, “Alright, alright, alright.” To that I say “just keep living.” Thank you.

U2 SUE BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Popular rock music group U2 have announced they are to sue Benedict Cumberbatch for photobombing them at the Oscars.

Humorless lead singer Bono spoke EXCLUSIVELY about Benedict Cumberbatch unwanted incursion the Studio Exec this morning:

We’d got dressed up for the Oscars, and Adam and Edge were really, really excited. We all put on our serious faces, because we like to look quite serious and when I smile I look like a bit of a turnip. The photographers snapped away and we were really happy. I turned to Edge and said, ‘That’ll be a good one’. But when I got up the next morning I was horrified to see Sherlock Holmes jumping behind us like a pillock.

Edge added with a dour tone to his voice like a child trying not to cry:

As you may or may not know, myself and Bono and the rest of U2 are actually Irish. So bombing of any kind, even photobombing is in very poor taste. I’d worn my special hat so as you can imagine the whole evening was ruined.

Noted Jolly Bastard Mr. Cumberbatch laughed when told of the impending law suit, and issued a statement through his lawyers that stated simply:

I don’t give a toss.

For more on this story, WAIT.  

GOLDEN GLOBES: THE INTERNSHIP BRUTALLY IGNORED

HOLLYWOOD – As the Golden Globes 2014 come to an end, shocked faces were evident everywhere. Victory speeches seemed subdued; champagne was glugged in thirsty desperation rather then sipped; laughter was hysterical and shrieking. The elephant in the room was the total lack of nominations and therefore awards for Shawn Levy’s The Internship.

The knockabout 40 something comedy epic stars modern day Laurel and Hardy Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn, playing two hapless salesmen who managed to wangle an internship at an unnamed internet company called Google. Theories were rife about why it slipped through the nomination net. Industry watcher Xavier Poulis commented:

Jealousy, envy and the sense that the film was so big, so important that awards would actually in some way belittle it, trivialize what was the Zeitgeist moment of 2013. 

Owen Wilson speaking from his Malibu home in Malibu was philosophical:

I think it was Kierkegaard who once said ‘You don’t win awards for crowd pleasing comedies about internet companies starring two of the most loveable rogues who were in The Wedding Crashers‘. It was in Fear and Trembling, or the Concept of Anxiety. Either/Or. Anyway since the disappointment a few years back with Marley and Me, I don’t even go to these things any more. 

Some laid the blame squarely at the feet of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association but spokesperson Jonathan Bowels said:

The problems were manifold and specific with The Internship. It wasn’t strictly speaking a drama and yet at the same time as a comedy it seemed too important to pigeon hole it just as that. As for the lack of actor’s nods for Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, I believe no one could decide between them and so went for their third choices.

 On an interesting side note if you google ‘Golden Globes The Internship’ you just come up with page after page of high definition images of dog turd.

Owen Wilson’s next film Søren and Me will be out in 2015. 

EMMY RESULTS IN FULL

emmy results


HOLLYWOOD – Cut and paste is a wonderful thing and thanks to IMDB, here are the results of the Emmys in full, and -if you want to save time – Breaking Bad and Modern Family win everything.


Outstanding Drama Series
Winner: “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” (2008)
Outstanding Comedy Series
Winner: “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad” (2009)
Outstanding Miniseries or Made for Television Movie
Winner: “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” (2013)
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Miniseries or Movie
Winner: Michael Douglas “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” (2013)
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Miniseries or Movie
Winner: Ellen Burstyn for “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” (2012)
Outstanding Directing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special
Winner: “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” (2013) – Steven Soderbergh
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Miniseries or Movie
Winner: James Cromwell for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad” (2011)
Outstanding Writing for a Miniseries, Movie or a Dramatic Special
Winner: “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family” – Abi Morgan
Outstanding Variety, Music Or Comedy Series
Winner: “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad” (2005)
Outstanding Host for a Reality or Reality-Competition Program
Winner: Nobody gives a shit (2004)
Outstanding Directing for a Drama Series
“Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad”
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Drama Series
Winner: Anne Gunn for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad”  (2011)
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series
Winner: Jeff Daniels for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad”  (2012)
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Drama Series
Winner: Bobby Cannavale for “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family”  (2010)
Outstanding Reality Competition Program
Nobody gives a shit
Outstanding Supporting Actress in a Drama Series
Winner: Anna Gunn (again?) for “Breaking Bad” (2008)
Outstanding Writing for a Drama Series
Winner: “Homeland” (2011) – Henry Bromell(“Q & A”)
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Miniseries or Movie
Winner: Laura Linney for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad” (2010)
Outstanding Lead Actor in a Comedy Series
Winner: Jim Parsons for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad”  (2007)
Outstanding Directing for a Comedy Series
Winner: “Modern Family” (2009) – Gail Mancuso(“Arrested”)
Outstanding Lead Actress in a Comedy Series
Winner: Julia Louis-Dreyfus for “Modern Family”/”Breaking Bad” (2012)
Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series

Winner: Tony Hale for  “Breaking Bad”/”Modern Family”  (2012)

EMMYS 2013 NOMINATIONS IN FULL


LOS ANGELES – The 65th Emmys Nominations were announced this morning at a hotel. There were some surprises – no nominations for Game of Thrones or Mad Men for instance – and after the jump we have the full list of nominations. 


Outstanding Lead Actor in A Drama Series who Makes Drugs
John Hamm
Bryan Cranston
Peter Dinklage 

Lead Actress who has Mental Problems/is a bitch
Claire Danes
Robin Wright
Vera Farmiga

Oustanding Reality-Competition Series 
Seriously who gives a shit? 
A Shit who gives Seriously?
Gives a shit Seriously?
Who Seriously shit gives A?

Outstanding British Posh Piffle with Bogus Historical Detail and Nostalgia for Nobs
Breaking Bad
Downton Abbey
Mad Men
Game of Cards

Outstanding Comedy Series that Rhymes with Bodern Bamily
30 Rock
Louis 
Girls 
Modern Family
Veep

Outstanding Fantasy Series that Kills Lead Characters with Alarming Frequency
House of Cards
Game of Thrones
House of Thrones
Game of Cards

Best Miniseries or Movie that should Actually be competing in the Oscars
Behind the Candelabra 
Behind the Candelabra
The Candelabra (Behind)
Behind the Candelabra

The Trophies will be awared on the 22nd September in Los Angeles. 

NAACP PRETEND TO LIKE RED TAILS

Last Night the NAACP Image Awards were announced with gongs for Kerry Washington, Denzel Washington, Samuel L. Jackson, and most surprisingly the George Lucas produced World War 2 picture Red Tails. An NAACP spokesperson said: ‘It’s not a great film, but it is a really nice idea. And Cuba Gooding Jr. is in it, and that guy needs all the encouragement he can get.’


The film beat several high profile contenders including Django Unchained, Beasts of the Southern Wild and Flight. In fact the film has been largely forgotten by everyone including Anthony Hemingway, the film’s director, who recently gave an interview during which he failed to recall the story or the names of many of the main characters. Speaking on behalf of the NAACP, Max Plank said: ‘Red Tails tells the story of an important and forgotten period in American history and uses frankly unconvincing CGI. We came to the conclusion if we don’t pretend to like it, who will?’

XAVIER POULIS WRITES… ARE THERE TOO MANY FILM AWARDS?

Yesterday evening in London, the London Critics Circle announced their awards at a ceremony attended by text messages and emails from the actors and directors so honoured.

This comes after the Oscar warm up of the Golden Globes, named after Robert Redford’s blonde testicles, the New York Critics, the Baftas etc. etc. and so it is time to consider, amidst the accolades and acceptance speeches, the champagne and the frocks, are there too many award ceremonies, too many nominations and too many awards?
Yes.

THE ALTERNATIVE 2013 BAFTA NOMINATIONS












The ‘Shakespeare in Love’ Award for Worst Picture (Sponsored by Pedigree Chum)

Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Prometheus
Friends With Kids


The Paul W.S. Anderson Award for Worst Director (Sponsored by Marmite)

Ridley Scott – Prometheus
Jennifer Westfeldt – Friends With Kids
Fernando Meirelles – 360
Jonathan Liebesman – Wrath of The Titans
Playing for Keeps – Gabriele Muccino

The Jude Law Award for Worst Actor (Sponsored by Ronseal)

Liam Neeson – Taken 2
Nicolas Cage – Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance/Stolen
Vince Vaughn – The Watch
Eddie Murphy – A Thousand Words
Matthew Fox – Alex Cross

The Julia Roberts Award for Worst Actress ( Sponsored by Tena Lady)

Katherine Heigl – One for the Money
Kate Beckinsdale – Underworld: Awakening
Rachel Weisz – 360
Uma Thurman – Bel Ami
Rosamund Pike – Wrath of the Titans

The ‘Prometheus bitter disappoint of the year award’ (Sponsored by Weyland Industries)

Prometheus

The ‘Nicole Kidman award for dodgy plastic surgery’ (sponsored by Chupa Chups)

Jennifer Westfeldt

The ‘Probably dead next year so let’s give them an award’ Award ( Sponsored by Interflora)

Anthony Hopkins

The ‘Dennis Quaid Award for Outstanding contribution to mediocrity’.(Sponsored by Wallmart)

Clive Owen