HOLLYWOOD – The major Studios have come out in a united front to combat the menace of Awards Season, which they say is severely hampering actual film production.

An insider at Fox said, ‘We just can’t get films made at the moment. It starts in November and goes all the way through to February and it’s non-stop.’

A colleague from Universal agreed:

We’re constantly fighting to get actors to clear their schedules. Matthew McConaughey, since the McConaughey-eissance, is impossible to get on the line. Ditto Tom Hanks. And it isn’t just actors, Alfonso Cuarón took seven years to make Gravity, but it’ll be another  seven years before he gets onto his next film, he’s so busy walking around collecting gongs for this one. 

Paramount also butted in:

Why can’t everyone be like Woody Allen? NO, not in THAT way! I mean… Oh Jesus. When Ronan Farrow sees this, he’s going to Twi-zerk. 

Independent analysts, however, responded that although there is a definite drop in production over this period, the Studios easily make up for the losses by churning out material that will never bother the attention of the Academy. An insider backed up this conclusion with the observation:

Around this time of year, there’s always a drop off and people are wandering around the back lots a bit with nothing to do. Except for Vince Vaughn, Adam Sandler, Owen Wilson and Kevin James. Those boys just keep their heads down and knock out hit after hit after hit of un-award-worthy bilge.

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A new series which proposes to answer long questions about any topic relating to film or television with both brevity and accuracy.

QUESTION: Are there too many awards to countenance, keep up with and even care about, what with the Screen Actor’s Guild, the New York Critic Circle’s Awards, the Golden Globes, the Academy Awards, the LA/Boston/Chicago Critics Awards, the PGA/WGA/DGA Awards, the Gotham Independent Spirit of Sundance Awards and the People’s Choice Awards? Is this puerile self-congratulation just the masturbatory thrashing of a facile adolescent culture feeding a publicity machine and pretending to be art while at the same time vandalizing any claim to intellectual validity it might have?

ANSWER: Yes and yes.