Avengers Archives -

SDCC MCU SUPERVILLAIN SURPRISE

BREAKING NEWS – There was a SDCC MCU supervillain surprise at this year’s comic-con when Kevin Feige announced the supervillain for the upcoming Avengers movie, The Kang Dynasty. In a departure from what many expected, Marvel are going with a different Kang. The Exec caught up with Kevin Feige after announcing the SDCC MCU supervillain surprise.

Kevin, That Sure Was A SDCC MCU Supervillain Surprise

I know, right! We thought we could really blow people away with that one. I was sat in a campaign meeting, deciding on where we would take our flagship franchise. We’d been snorting a few lines of Horse when it came to me. KANG!

Were All The Other Disney and Marvel Executives On Board?

Not right away. They got all excited, thinking it was gonna be the Kang The Conqueror story line. I had to calm them all down. So we all smoked some really good Super Skunk and listed to Tom Petty for an hour or so. Then, I laid it on them. We’re doing a Simpsons crossover movie, with Kang and Kodos finally making good on their threat to invade Earth. How awesome would that be?!

Just out Of Curiosity, How Did The Other Board Members React?

Their jaws hit the floor. I don’t think they could believe what they were hearing.

I Can Imagine.

They fucking loved it man. Just like they love every single one of my ideas. Like casting Edward Norton as The Hulk. They all loved that. And then they all loved it when I recast him. And like the time I put that shitty clause in Scarlett Johansson’s contract. They all thought that was great. The board especially loved it when I told them we were making an Eternals movie. Oh my, how they loved that. And they love this. Totally, totally in love with the idea. Totally. Yeah, totally.

Are You Sure This Is In Keeping With The Universe You’ve Spent Years Building?

Look, just shut up and have a line. You’ll come to see things my way. Everyone comes to see things my way, after enough of this shit.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe Will Never End. Ever.

JOSS WHEDON TO DIRECT HORRIBLE BOSSES 3

HOLLYWOOD – In the publicity wake of his interview where he spoke out against accusations of bullying and abuse, Joss Whedon is to direct Horrible Bosses 3. The Avengers and Buffy helmer has announced he will be writing the script based on his own ‘experiences’. The Exec sat down to talk with the controversial director about his latest project.

Joss Whedon To Direct Horrible Bosses 3? How did that come about?

If you print anything bad about me, I’ll destroy whatever pathetic career you have. Got it?

Woah There Joss! I Just Asked You A Civil Question.

What? Oh, you must have mis-heard me. I didn’t say anything bad. I guess it’s understandable, English isn’t your first language.

Yes It Is. I’m English. It’s The Only Language I Speak.

I’ll speak slowly so you understand, comprende? What a f**king idiot. Who thought it was a good idea for you to interview me?

I Can Understand Every Word You’re Saying Joss. And It’s Recording. I Can Play It Back To You.

You didn’t say this was going to be recorded, you devious hack. What kind of game are you playing here?

I’m Trying To Interview You. Of Course It’s Recorded. I Want To Ask You About Horrible Bosses 3.

That? I don’t where they got the idea I would be suitable to write and direct this but I’ll give it a go. I’m just going to write about all the times I’ve ever had healthy disagreements with actors. It’ll be really funny. I’ll write about how funny it is when I threaten their careers, shout them down on set in front of the whole crew. I’ll show that really I’m just a good guy who has been misunderstood. Misunderstood by pretty much everyone I’ve ever worked with. They all think I’m an asshole.

Who Are You Going To Cast?

To be honest with you, I’m having trouble getting in touch with actors and their management. They’re all real busy I guess as they never return any of my calls. How crazy is that?

‘Horrible Bosses 3: Aint I A Stinker’ Is Currently In Development

DISNEY AUTO SALES OPENS

With the money they have made from reneging on Scarlett Johansson’s Black Widow contract, Disney Auto Sales opens franchises nationwide. Disney Auto Sales opens stores run by honest and hardworking car salesmen and women who are ready to sell their own grandmothers for a profit.

Disney Auto Sales Opens With Mickey Mouse Prices

The Mickey Mouse movie studio look set to face court action with Scarlett Johansson. But they are busy hiding away their money like Scrooge McDuck in their brand new venture of second-hand car sales. Their advertising campaign states: “You’d be a real Dumbo not to take advantage of our goofy prices! No wonder Herbie went Bananas when he saw how Stuart little we were asking for great family cars. Anyone would think we were Robin Hood with these enchanted prices.”

Marvel-lous Car Prices

“With marvel-lously low prices, it’s no wonder our cars are going quicker than Lightning McQueen. You’d be dopey to not take advantage! With our prices frozen for only a short time you’ll need to bolt to your closest store. Be brave and pick up a bargain car today. Just be careful not to wreck it Ralph on your amazing journey home.”

Mickey’s Big Day In Court

With the Disney Corporation being represented by the law firm, Huey, Luey and Dewey LLP, Johansson can expect stiff competition in her lawsuit against the movie studio. Johansson’s claim could have far reaching effects throughout the industry. She alleges Disney prevented certain contractual bonuses by reducing box office revenue when it streamed Black Widow simultaneously on Disney+. Actors, crew members and studios alike would be effected by any test case decision such as this. In response to this, Disney’s lawyers made funny duck noises, splashed about a bit in a pond and then pretended to fall asleep when Donald opened the door.

MARTIN SCORSESE SHOULD SHUT HIS BIG FAT MOUTH

OPINION – Martin Scorsese is being told to shut his big fat mouth.

Hundreds of millions of people are shouting out in one voice – ‘Martin Scorsese: SHUT YOUR STUPID FAT MOUTH’. And they’re right. The big eyebrowed Italian American filmmaker infuriated Marvel fans a couple of weeks ago by daring to criticize comic book movies as ‘not cinema’. He said they looked like shit, or something and said anybody who liked them should go to the doctor and ask for face punches. But all around the world, fans reject this ignorant point of view. Grace Partniknik told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I film myself watching trailers on YouTube, so I’m an expert. And I can say Mr. Scorsese, you don’t know what you’re talking about. Marvel movies don’t have depth? Have you even seen Ant Man and the Wasp? I mean even in the title it’s AND the Wasp, asshole! It’s not just Ant Man. And then what about Avengers Endgame? I cried so much I puked up. How’s that for ’emotional resonance?’

Mace Windu told SE that he was tired of these white male gatekeepers being elitist:

Black Panther was the first film ever to show black people, doing stuff. And Captain Marvel had a woman in it. More than one actually. Scorsese would try to make a film himself and then he’d realize it wasn’t as easy as these so called critics seem to think.

James Gunn also made an interesting point.

How can these films not be cinema? They’re shown in … the cinema. Durrr!

This controversy looks set to run and run and run.

Meanwhile, we’ve just learned that Scorsese has stolen the Snyder cut.

Martin Scorsese was unavailable for comment.

AVENGERS: ENDGAME MAKES NO MONEY

HOLLYWOOD – The Box Office returns of Avengers: Endgame prove disappointing.

Avengers: Endgame, the concluding chapter of phase whatever of the MCU, disappoints at the box office. Marvel Studio executives are pretending it made a lot of money but in reality it made practically zip. Although some media outlets are quoting sums in the multiple millions and forecasting an easy road to the billion plus dollar mark, sources close to the production told the Studio Exec that the movie has in fact made $23 in total. And $6 of that is in international territories.

Figures aren’t yet available for China but Marvel will be hoping to double the State-side performance.

We spoke with Parnel Sticks about the commercial ramifications:

You have to understand, the Avengers films are very expensive to make. Sometimes costing a hundred to three hundred dollars. So in order to make money back they have to earn at least five hundred dollars. Maybe more.

Why didn’t it make boatloads of money?

One reason was because of the so-called Russo Brothers. Because there are two of them that means you have to pay two directors instead of just one. That right there is going to add, what? another fifty dollars to the budget. And there’s no guarantee that two directors are going to make the film twice as good. Also Robert Downey Jr has become a monster and his demands for massive bowls of blue M&Ms also had an impact on the cost of the film.

Avengers: Endgame is currently showing in one theater in North Dakota and nowhere else.

5 FACTS YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT AVENGERS: ENDGAME

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers: Endgame is almost upon us so what do you need to know?

As tickets for Avengers: Endgame go on sale, here are five FACTS for you to MARVEL at.

1 Iron Man will be played by Chris Evans and Robert Downey Jr will play Captain America, because they are bored.

2 The Hulk will get angry at a decisive moment.

3 Stan Lee’s body will make a cameo – Weekend at Bernie’s style.

4 Captain Marvel will be amazing. The ending won’t be anywhere near as good as the ending of Infinity War. Many of the surprises you already know, so they’ll kill off someone unexpectedly/expectedly in the first five minutes so you’ll lose your shit.

5 You’ll be humming the score for a couple of seconds and then completely forget it.

For more FACTS click HERE.

RUSSO BROTHERS NOT ACTUALLY BROTHERS

HOLLYWOOD – Directors of the Avengers: Infinity War Anthony and Joseph Russo are not actually brothers.

Hollywood reeled yesterday at the news that the Russo Brothers are not actually brothers. The revelation broke early this morning.

A source close to the ‘brothers’ said:

Anthony Russo’s name is actually Michael Palace and Joseph Russo is called Peter Blinks. They decided from an early age that they should work together as brothers when as a matter of fact they were not.

Joseph Russo popped by the Studio Exec bungalow to explain. He was crying.

We didn’t mean no harm. We just saw the Coen Brothers doing so well and then the Wachowski siblings and even the Duplass Brothers. We thought: why not be brothers? It was all going according to plan until some asshole at Vanity Fair wanted to interview our ‘mother’.

Anthony Russo chipped in:

It was a great idea and no one can say it wasn’t. But it doesn’t matter anymore. After this last Avengers film we’re done. We’re not going to do anymore films together.

Avengers Infinity War is on release.

AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR SEQUEL CANCELED

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel announced there will not be a sequel to Avengers Inifinity War.

This is the end, Jim Morrison famously sang and so have Marvel. Avengers Infinity War will be the last Avengers film, it has been decided. A source close to the studio spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec today:

There was an idea to continue the story. Originally, we envisioned this as part one of a two-parter, but increasingly as we watched people lose their shit we realized, you know what, we’re good.

So that means…

Yeah, absolutely.

But what about…

No, we’re canceling them.

Jeez.

I know. And you know the beautiful thing is that even now DC won’t be able to come up with anything to compete.

Avengers: Thanos is Struck Back At will not be released in 2019.

AVENGERS INFINITY WAR: SPOILER FREE REVIEW

HOLLYWOOD – Avengers: Infinity War is here.

And so here is our SPOILER FREE review. 100% SPOILER FREE. Go Ahead and read on. Because there are no SPOILERS. If you want SPOILERS go elsewhere because you ain’t getting them here buddy.

Continue reading “AVENGERS INFINITY WAR: SPOILER FREE REVIEW”

DISNEY BUY CHRISTOPHER PLUMMER

HOLLYWOOD – In a deal worth $78 billion, media giants Disney have just bought Canadian actor Christopher Plummer.

Following the purchase of Star Wars, Marvel, Pixar and now Fox, the Disney Company have just announced a $78 billion dollar deal to buy Sound of Music star Christopher Plummer. Media Analyst Dunque Screens told the Studio Exec:

This is a great deal for Disney. It looks like a lot of money but what Disney are getting is not just Mr. Plummer’s extensive back catalogue and his film work and TV work, they’re also getting the rights to whoever Mr. Plummer replaces in the next few years. And looking at the pace of the scandals currently sweeping Hollywood and the entertainment industry generally that could mean extensive acquisitions.

However, critics of the deal point to this widespread application of Christopher Plummer as a problem. Marquis Martinique underlined this danger:

When Disney got Marvel, they got Iron Man, Avengers and all those properties. With Star Wars, they get the films, but also the characters and the universe. And with Fox they get the Simpsons and the X-Men. Now, with Plummer, they get Kevin Spacey, Bryan Singer, Brett Ratner, Def Jam records, Matt Lauer, the documentaries of Morgan Sporlock and the entire back catalogue of Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as the Cosby Show.

The Monopolies and Mergers Commission will inspect the sale closely.

Image courtesy of @thePixelFactor. Follow him on twitter here.

AVENGERS 4 WILL KILL OFF EVERYONE

HOLLYWOOD – Marvel big boss Kevin Feige revealed that Avengers 4 will kill off the entire cast.

Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Marvel president Kevin Feige promised that the next Avengers film – Avengers 4 – will be a character blood bath.

First, we’ve looked at all the superhero films around and we’ve seen that audiences are getting tired of this stuff. There’s a point that comes where they want some kind of closure. So, for the next Avengers movie we’ve decided on a radical solution. A kind of WTF finale. Where everyone dies! Do you get it?

Wow!

I know. I first got the idea from watching Game of Thrones. You see those guys came up with a brilliant idea. You have established characters everyone knows and loves and they seem to be on a journey. And then BHAM! They’re dead. Or squish, in the case of the guy who got his head caved in.

Oberyn Martell?

That’s the guy.

So you’re going to kill them all off?

Iron Man, Captain America, the Hulk Thor.

The Black Widow?

Who?

Scarlett Johansson.

Oh yeah. Definitely.

Aren’t you worried that telling us this will spoil the movie?

Telling everybody? I’m only telling you SE. Hey, you’re not going to tell anyone are you?

Er. No.

Good. You got anymore shrimp. These are delicious.

Avengers 4 will be released in 2018.

ROBERT DOWNEY JR GETS A JOB AS A LIBRARIAN

HOLLYWOOD – Chaplin and Iron man star Robert Downey Jr today retired from acting and got a job as a librarian.

Robert Downey Jr retired as an actor after a series of hits, in order to concentrate on his work as a librarian.

The Less Than Zero star spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY about the change in direction:

I’ve always loved libraries. I like the atmosphere and the smell of books and old carpet. When I was a child I’d go tot he library and just hang out. Even as I began to work in films, I’d always find time to visit the local library wherever we were shooting. Sometimes the librarian would let me stamp out a couple of books and I tell you, I was hooked.

What appeals to you about library work?

The promotion of education, encouraging the love of reading, giving homeless people a warm place to sleep in the afternoon. All these things are important to me. But most of all I love shushing people. To give a correctly loud and sharp shhhh! has to be the most satisfying thing in the world. I’ve worked with some of the best directors in the world; the most talented actors and actresses, but nothing compared to shushing a teenager and seeing the respect and fear in their eyes. Iron Man is nothing to Librari Man!

Robert Downey Jr. will be appearing in the New York Public Library in 2018.

JOSS WHEDON: ‘NEXT AVENGERS MOVIE WILL BE A NOVEL’

SAN DIEGO – Marvel have announced that the next Avengers movie will be a novel, Joss Whedon revealed at Comic Con today.

Joss Whedon spoke to a packed hall about his current projects and his changing relationship with Marvel:

This is a totally different approach to the cinema experience. We came to a conclusion that no one was really happy with what happened to Avengers: Age of Ultron, so we decided that the next time we were going to do it different and that’s where the idea of the novel came in.

As well as writing the novel, Whedon will be designing the cover:

After all, cinema is a visual medium so it’s important to have an attractive cover and twelve color illustrations. The audience will be given a copy of the novel as they enter the cinema. Then they’ll sit there and read it until they’re done. The 3D version will involve pop up illustrations and the IMAX experience will be available for the visually impaired. This is pushing technology in a way we haven’t seen since… I honestly don’t know.

The Avengers in the Rye will be released in 2019.

TONY STARK PREQUEL BRINGS OUT HIS LIGHTER SIDE

HOLLYWOOD – The Tony Stark prequel will focus on the creation of his comedy persona.

The new prequel to cover the early years of Tony Stark is going to emphasize his comic persona.

Robert Downey Jr today spoke EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec:

We like the idea that Tony is always funny. He does quips and one liners and is an all round smart ass. But we wanted to see the origins of that and so we made this film and I think people will be surprised about the way it works. The fact of the matter Tony Stark was a Charlie Chaplin impersonator and so I used all the experience I had playing Charlie Chaplin to bring this out to the fore. We see his frustration with slapstick and his development into a moral verbal comedian.

But surely he’s more interesting as a sort of inventor?

There’s a bit of that but it’s mostly pouring a jug of fresh cream down at fat man’s trousers and tripping over walking sticks. We also have some other Avengers doing cameo roles. Captain America and Tony Stark have to dress up as women when they accidentally enroll in an all female school. It’s hilarious.