PRATT V WORTHINGTON MEDIOCRITY MATCH-UP

HOLLYWOOD – If you like your lead actors non-descript, not too good looking and with more than a slight hint of vanilla about them, they’re your guys. Having built their whole careers around being able to stare at tennis balls on the ends of sticks, they’ve somehow made it to the top. That’s right, it’s a Studio Exec Pratt v Worthington Mediocrity Matchup. We examine which of them is truly the most mediocre movie meh.

Pratt V Worthington Mediocrity Matchup!

Sam’s big breakthrough role came in James Cameron’s Avatar. A film where he had a team of hundreds animating his face for the vast majority of the film. Chris Pratt rose to fame in Parks And Recreation. He played Andy Dwyer, an unintelligent, loveable rogue. He then expanded his range when he played Starlord in The Guardians Of The Galaxy, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… in space. Few could have predicted his turn in Jurassic World, where he played Owen Grady, an unintelligent, loveable rogue… with dinosaurs.

Sam The Franchise Killer

Sam went on to singlehandedly destroy the Terminator franchise as well as the whole 3D film industry as Perseus in the remake of Clash Of The Titans. His stone cold performance resembled a Medusa victim and made Harry Hamlin look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

The Roles That Got Away

Sam famously lost out to Daniel Craig for James Bond. But then again, we don’t know how close he came to being Bond. I sent in my showreel and heard fuck all back from EON Productions. So does that mean I also lost out to Daniel Craig for the role? And who can forget the rumors that Pratt was being touted to play Indiana Jones. Just imagine Indiana Jones and The Ancient Fart Gag, directed by James Gunn.

Mediocrity Matchup: Winners And Losers

The tagline for Alien Vs Predator was ’Whoever Wins, We Lose’. Well, with this mediocrity matchup, this has never been truer.

AVATAR: AD NAUSEUM Will Saturate Your Multiplex This Coming December

CAMERON ANNOUNCES TITANIC 2, 3, 4 & 5

HOLLYWOOD – Avatar and Terminator director, James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 will all go into production shortly. The news that James Cameron announces Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5 means that he will be shooting movies for fifteen years. The Studio Exec caught up with the director on the set of his latest film, Avatar 4: Ably Obtaining The Unobtainable Unobtanium.

Where Did You Get The Idea For Titanic 2, 3, 4 & 5?

As you know, I’m not one for chasing money. Usually I abhor such lavish productions. But I was floating in my gigantic flooded underwater sound studio one day and Boom! I had a little idea. People pay a lot of money to watch any old shit. So I put 2 and 2 billion together and came up with an idea for a Titanic sequel. Actually, a whole fucking series of them.

Can You Tell Us Anything About The Plot?

Of course I can. I’m KING OF THE WORLD! We join marine biologist, Sarah Connor as she travels to the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. There she boards a submarine and joins an underwater oil drilling crew. Together, they will stumble across something that will shock everyone.

It’s Aliens, Isn’t It?

Yeah, but not nice watery ones. These ones come in big slimy eggs. Guess what happens then? Go on, guess. You’ll never get it.

If You Say Chestburster, James Cameron, So Help Me I’m Leaving.

No, I wasn’t going to say that at all. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Don’t Lie To The Exec, James. You’re Full Of Shit.

Honest! I wasn’t going to say that.

Ok Then. My Apologies. Please Continue.

These killer robots are sent back in time to kill Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet and Sarah Connor. And then-

 

This Interview Is Over.

Avatar: The Way Of Water Is Released This Coming December.

ABBA TO STAR IN AVATAR SEQUEL

HOLLYWOOD – Abba today revealed that they will star in James Cameron’s Avatar sequels.

Abba have announced that they have written and recorded their first new songs since they split in 1982 for the James Cameron film Avatar 2 and they intend to star in all the Avatar films, however many they may be.

The Swedish four-piece, who had nine No 1 hits in the UK between 1974 and 1980, and who have sold hundreds of millions of records worldwide, announced on Instagram that they will play in the Avatar movies.

The band said in a statement: “The decision to go ahead with the exciting Abba avatar project came about after a chance meeting with James Cameron at the bottom of the Mariana Trench. He wanted us to record the theme song. So we did. And it was like time had stood still and we had only been away on a short holiday. An extremely joyful experience!”

One of the two new songs that resulted, I Still Have Faith in You, will feature in the movie.

The statement concluded: “We may have come of age, but the song is new. And it feels good.”

Abba’s Björn Ulvaeus said that the band had been digitally scanned and “de-aged” to look like they did in 1979, when the band performed their third and final tour.

“We just can’t wait to get to Pandora,” said Bjorn.

Avatar 2, 3, 4 and 5 will be released on Tuesday.

NEW AVATAR MOVIE TO BE RELEASED THE DAY AFTER YOU DIE

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron announces the release date for Avatar 2 to be: the day after you die.

The sequel to blockbusting sci-fi epic Avatar finally gets a release date. James Cameron in an EXCLUSIVE interview with The Studio Exec talks Avatar sequels.

We’ve been working on Avatar non-stop since we wrapped on the first one. But the concepts are just so big. The entire world we want to create with Pandora is so ambitious. Sometimes I think that getting into this whole thing has been like opening a Pandora’s b… oh wait that’s good. I’ve never thought of that before.

So you have the release dates?

Yes, provisionally yes. We’re planning to release the films the day after you die.

What?

Absolutely. It’s a new release model. Experimental in its way but I think you’ll agree astonishing.

You’re so innovative.

I know.

So I’ll never see it because I’m dead. Is that it?

Yes. And that’s true for everybody.

One question.

Shoot.

Will Sam Worthington be in it?

Yes.

Okay. Then I’m good. 

Gotcha.

Avatar 2 will be released the day after you die.

JAMES CAMERON TO ABANDON CGI AND 3D FOR AVATAR SEQUELS

HOLLYWOOD – James Cameron has announced that he will be abandoning CGI and 3D for the Avatar sequels.

Terminator director James Cameron wowed fans earlier this week with the news that he is to write and direct 416 Avatar sequels, but today he also clarified that he would be making a break with the first film by abandoning CGI and 3D for the new movies.

James Cameron spoke with the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I want the new Avatar films to stand on their own and be different, not just a rerun of the original Avatar. I re-watched my director’s cut recently as a way of preparing for the new films and the one thing I took away was the CGI and 3D were just distracting. Half the time it looked like I was watching a cartoon. I want something more real and gritty for the new films. I’ve been watching the Dardennes brothers quite a lot.

But surely it will be impossible to recreate Pandora without using green screens?

Far from it. There’s some really good locations in Canada that at a snip can look very much like Pandora.

How will you deal logistically with making 416 films? Won’t you … how can I put this … die at some point?

I know what you mean. Yes, of course if I made 416 films even back to back I would probably be way too old towards the end. That’s why we’ve decided to film all 416 films concurrently. And Sam Worthington, despite being accidentally deleted two years ago, will be back and better than ever. Sam Worthington 2.0.

Avatar will be out every year for the next four hundred and sixteen years.

PANDORA SHOOT IN DOUBT FOR AVATAR 2

HOLLYWOOD – Pandora is in crisis as James Cameron threatens to move Avatar 2 shoot to Canada.

Part of the reason James Cameron’s Avatar was so successful was its wonderful location, the planet of Pandora. However, escalating instability on the planet plus high shooting costs means that James Cameron and his crew may well not return to the planet for Avatar 2 but will instead but shooting the film in Canada.

An insider to the production told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

Ideally we’d love to be on Pandora. The planet gives you so much. 360 degrees of lush vegetation, the colors, everything. But the fact of the matter is it has very little infrastructure, the logistics of simply getting there are a nightmare and then you have the pull of some very generous tax credits on the Canadian side.

Star Sam Worthington has said in the past that he was very close to Pandora and even accepted honorary citizenship there last year, which explained his absence from the world of filmmaking as the round journey takes two years. Worthington released a statement saying:

To my understanding the decision has not yet been finalized and I would hope that there is some solution which will see us shoot in Pandora which is a unique location. Not only is it wonderful for the film, but the Pandorans have a vibrant culture and a wonderful sense of humor. Those guys keep telling me they have this box they want to show me, but they never let me open it. It’s hilarious!

James Cameron was unavailable to comment as he is believed to be currently located in his underwater lair in the Marianas Trench.

Avatar 2 will be released in 2018.

3D WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE, ADMITS JAMES CAMERON

HOLLYWOODJames Cameron admitted today in a shock revelation that will undoubtedly rock the whole of Hollywood that the reintroduction of 3D was actually the result of an off-the-cuff remark, which was supposed to be a joke.

The Avatar “visionary” is famous for his hilarious sense of humor and is only challenged by Woody Harrelson for the crown as king of the Hollywood practical jokers.

Bill Paxton tells the story:

This was a couple of years after Titanic and everyone was hanging on Jimmy’s every word, all the top brass at the studios, anything he said they would jump to do because as far as they could see he was golden. One evening we’re eating out at thisJapanese restaurant and he challenges me. He says “What is the most ridiculous thing that I can ask for?” So I think and then I say “3D”.

The Piranha 2: The Spawning director and the Twister actor laughed over their sushi, but Jimmy Cameron took up the gauntlet. ‘I was amazed when I first heard that Avatar was going to be in 3D,’ the Paxo man recalls. ‘But then it became unstoppable. The irony is Jimmy hates 3D as much as anyone else.’

With arguments raging about expensive equipment, exorbitant ticket prices, reduced luminosity and silly glasses, the erstwhile King of the World has finally decided to come clean.

‘I didn’t mean it to go so far but really, you’re all too gullible. You have to remember I’m, the guy who put Arnie Schwarzenegger in a 007 kind of role. I’m the guy who made out like Michael Biehn was an actor. Come on, seriously. How could you take anything I said at face value?’

Is it true that you yourself don’t like 3D?

‘It’s like those theaters we used to make out of cereal boxes when we were kids. It’s embarrassingly bad. A series of flat surfaces. It looks flatter than 2D for crying out loud,’ Cameron starts shouting, his lips flecked with spit. ‘Why do you think I keep going down to the bottom of the ocean? It’s the only place I can go and have a really good laugh at you assholes.’

Avatar 2 and 3 are due out sometime in the next decade.

AVATAR SEQUELS TO BE IN 1D

MARIANA TRENCH – James Cameron has revealed today that the Avatar sequels – provisionally entitled Avatar 2, Avatar 3, and Avatar 4 – will be released in 1D, a revolutionary new viewing experience which is utterly deprived of depth and nuance.

Former King of the World James Cameron could hardly contain his excitement speaking about the new technology:

With the first film we almost got there and I have to give Sam Worthington all the credit. The man is so one dimensional a performer, he has to be genuinely careful when he walks over grating.

What are the benefits of this new viewing experience? 

It means there is no clutter of depth. People who already have problems with depth perception will find the new films easy to watch. The plot if shallow, the characters have no interiority – they’re basically cardboard cut outs of generic types – and any political subtext is actually just out and out text.

Amazing! 

Isn’t it? The story will be predictable and the special effects will be so-so. It’s going to be fantastic.

So why have you abandoned 3D?

3D was always supposed to be a joke (Click Here for that story). I was always surprised and then more than a little embarrassed when it had such a big effect, but I didn’t take into account the ludicrous price hike that it would bring in. 

And following Avatar, what are your plans?

That will take us a long way into the future but after that I really want to change direction. And I’ve been talking with the studio about directing a sequel to Spielberg’s Schindler’s List. My script is already done.

Avatar 2, Avatar 3 and Avatar 4 will be released in 2015, 2016 and 2017 and Schindler’s Lists will be released in 2018.