JOHNNY DEPP AND AMBER HEARD TELL AUSTRALIA TO GO F*CK ITSELF, USING ONLY THEIR EYES

HOLLYWOOD – Celebrity couple Johnny Depp and Amber Head told Australia to go f*ck itself in a very oblique way.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard escaped a possible jail sentence after illegally taking their dogs Pistol and Boo into Queensland without observing the strict quarantine laws. Mr Depp was filming in the country when Amber Heard entered the country with her two dogs and without declaring them. At one point, the dogs were even threatened with execution. With the situation resolved, the two produced a video ostensibly expressing their respect for Australian quarantine laws and urging others to respect them.

‘Australians are warm and direct,’ Mr. Depp says, while his eyes say – ‘F*ck off you bunch of ex-convicts’.

Amber Heard talks about the unique wildlife which must be protected from the diseases from overseas. But in-between each word she inaudibly whispers, ‘The country that gave us Mel Gibson is really lecturing us? I don’t f*cking think so!’

Johnny Depp will be appearing in a remake of Gallipoli which will show it was the Australians’ fault.

SIR EDWIN FLUFFER REMEMBERS BRUCE LEE

HOLLYWOOD- Sir Edwin Fluffer once again delves into his personal memoirs – soon to be published as ‘Not THAT Kind of Fluffer!!!’ – to recall Bruce Lee.

Hugh Jackman, Cate Blanchett, Dame Edna Everage, you can’t throw a boomerang on a film set these days without it hitting an Australian.

Dear little Barry Luhrman even made a picture about them called William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, but years ago you couldn’t get an Australian actor for love nor money.

Skippy The Bush Kangaroo was fine for a frothy romantic comedy, but put him in a costume drama and he stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb. Admittedly his Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudicewas the exception to the rule, but I still thought you could see his tail.
My favourite Australian actor was a lovely chap called Bruce. He did a lot of these martial arts movies, and when he wasn’t giving one of the extras a roundhouse to the face you couldn’t hope to meet a nicer chap. I used to visit him on set and he’d be having a barbecue with Charlie Norris, but as soon as the director shouted ‘action’ he’d jump up and start kicking everything in sight. That was Bruce for you!
He cleverly masked his Australian accent by getting a lot of his dialogue dubbed, and to this day I don’t think that people ever really knew that he came from the Land Down Under.
He showed me his nunchucks once, but that’s another story… 

NICOLE KIDMAN ANNOUNCES SHE ‘WON’T BE MAKING ANY MORE GOOD FILMS’

MELBOURNE – Eyes Wide Shut and BMX Bandits star Nicole Kidman has today announced that she will ‘no longer be making good films’.

The Australian superstar told Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I’ve come to that stage in my career where for every good film I make, there are at least three very poor ones and it only serves to confuse my many fans and/or detractors. Just as they think I’ve come good with a The Hours, or Rabbit Hole, up pops a slew of Grace of Monacos and Australias. It’s exhausting, so from now on I’m going to concentrate my energy on just making completely missable muck and adverts for pongy perfume.

Fans of Miss Kidman greeted the revelation with jubilation.

Jonty Beirs, President of the Nicole Kidman Fan Club, said:

It’s about time she stopped worrying about making those challenging films, the poor lamb. I don’t give a hoot for artist quality or any of that tripe. I just want to see Nicole enjoying herself and relaxing for once. She seems so tense all the time. You just want to see her lit rip, the little darling.

However, some have said that Nicole is set for a resurgence and if that is so the Studio Exec will be the first to happily eat his words with ranch sauce.

Nicole Kidman will next be seen in Paddington.