When you’ve won as many prizes and honours as I have you find that barely a day goes by without a young up and coming actor asking your advice on how to bag an Academy Award, aka Oscar!

You have to admire their ambition: why settle for one of those Golden Globes they give away with every packet of breakfast cereal when you could have a lovely shiny Oscar? Dear Zac Efron looked on eBay for me and he reckons mine’s worth at least $500 so they’re well worth having.

And the way to win one is to play part that’s based on someone from real life. It’s worked for everyone from George Arliss in Disraeli back in ’23, to Danny Day-Lewis playing young  Ronnie Reagan I think it was in Lincoln. And there’s no reason why lightning can’t strike again. When Benedict Cumberbatch, or ‘Eggs’ as I call him, told me he’d got the part in The Imitation Game I said to him ‘Benny, just a thought, why don’t you base it on that clever Al Turing who invented the pocket calculator?’ You could see the relief in his eyes!

It was the same sort of thing when little Eddie Redmayne, or ‘Eggs’ as I call him as well, told me he’d be playing Professor Stephen Hawking in The Theory of Everything. I suggested he base it on that international man of mystery Austin Powers, and as soon as I saw him with the glasses and funny teeth I said to myself ‘by Jove, he’s got it!’

I don’t expect any thanks. When they win their awards there’s really no need to mention me at all, I’d do the same for any young actor in their position, and I seek no glory for their success. But if they could bung me a few quid just to tide me over while I wait for my cheque from A Million Ways To Die In The West. I wouldn’t say no.

I wasn’t the only person to die in that one!

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MONTREAL – Earlier this morning shocking news hit Hollywood: Canadian comedian and Wayne’s World creator Mike Myers was discovered alive in his home at an undisclosed Malibu location.

Mr. Myers had been missing, presumed dead after the release of Goldmember (2002), his third outing as parodic superspy Austin Powers.
It can now be revealed that Mr. Myers – who shot to fame as the smart part of the comic duo of Wayne’s World in which he started with … uhm – has actually been hiding in plain sight. His agent Dorothy Habermaserraus, speaking exclusively to Studio Exec, said:

Mike’s been doing the voice of popular ogre Shrek. Well, I say popular, he started well, but that motherfucker is a dried up jolly green husk now.  

It was also revealed that Myers – toying with those who had mourned his disappearance for years – had also appeared in a Quentin Tarantino movie, Inglourious [Sic] Basterds [Sic].

Mr. Myers said that now he was alive once more he wanted to do something totally new. Austin Powers 4 is currently in pre-production as is Shrek 5,6 & 7.