MORE STAR WARS CONTENT THAN GRAINS OF SAND

BREAKING NEWS – A new study from MIT has been published that confirms there is more Star Wars content available than there are grains of sand on the planet. With the release of the final episode of The Book Of Boba Fett, there is now more Star Wars content than anyone who is gainfully employed, could ever watch.

More Star Wars Content? You salivating Womp Rats.

The MIT study that has been recently published had to engage a new counting super-computer to calculate both grains of sand and available content. The machine, given the pet name Count Dooku took three weeks to calculate how much of the franchise is available. It then took a fraction of the time to calculate how many grains of sand there are on the planet.

Ass Hole Interviewers

There have also been several reports of ass hole job interviewers now asking how much Star Wars content is there rather than asking how many windows are in that sky-scraper. The question now stumps even the most die-hard fans of the franchise. Sci-fi experts are now no longer able to keep up with Star Wars releases. It is thought there may be another super-computer involved at Disney.

Rumors There Are. Algorithms Have They.

Many ex-Disney employees advise the franchise is now being written by an algorithm, rather than employing writers. The machine is codenamed Kamino, the cloning planet that features in Episode II, Attack Of The Clones. It churns out new show and movie scripts along with rehashed Star Wars content faster than any writing team ever could achieve.

Disney Denies Assembly-Line Writing

A Disney spokesperson advised, ‘This is just nonsense. We at Disney Incorporated (all rights reserved) emphatically deny these allegations of mechanized writing. Hang on, we are proud to announce Obi-Wan, a new TV series streaming on Disney+ shortly. Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. We deny any mechanized or factory writing is taking place. Wait a minute… We are proud to announce Sith: The Chronicles Of Darth Maul. It’s a new show that will stream… Wait a second… we are proud to announce Ewoks Ahoy! The new TV show that will stream on Disney+.’

Star Wars Content Is Churned Out Every Day On Disney+… But You Knew That Already.

UN RESOLUTION CALLS FOR JUMPER 2 TO BE MADE

NEW YORK – A UN resolution signed by over forty seven countries including the United Kingdom, Germany, Russia and China has called for Jumper 2 to be made at the earliest opportunity.

The debate over the resolution and voting was pushed to the top of the agenda, ousting once more any opportunity of a meaningful response to Russia’s intervention in the Ukraine and the pressing need to address climate change, in favor of ensuring the 2008 Hayden Christensen has a follow up. The Polish representative to the UN Bugoslaw Winding told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

The first film directed by Doug Liman had such possibilities. It was such an intriguing premise, but I don’t know what happened in the production, but something obviously went wrong. The world is owed a genuinely good teleportation fantasy adventure and Stephen Gould has already written the second novel, so it isn’t as if there’s nowhere we can go.

China’s mission however was adamant that it was motivated entirely by a burning desire to see Hayden Christensen once more.

In China, in all the critics’ polls and all the popular top tens, Star Wars Episode Two: Attack of the Clones is not only ranked as the best Star Wars, but ranked as the best film ever. That thing he says about sand getting everywhere, that is poetry, because it is true, sand does get everywhere.

Hilary Clinton used Bill’s Facebook page to issue the following statement:

Although we welcome the opportunity to follow the adventures of David Rice and his teleporting friends further, the US strongly feels that our priorities should first be concentrated on what is happening in the Middle East with the rise of ISIS and if there is a film which needs a sequel it has to be We Bought a Zoo, surely!?

Hollywood insiders have said that formally the UN resolution holds no legal weight and the difficulty of retrieving Hayden Christensen from his five year mission to Mars would be a logistic nightmare, however, the publicity created by the resolution and the debate could well see the studio reassess the franchise.

Jumper 2 will be released in 2016.

 

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW – Jupiter Ascending – directed by the bafflingly employed Wachowksis – is a film that aspires to the grandiose adventure, excitement, well written dialogue, fully fledged characters and kinetic direction of Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones. And fails.

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter ‘Ascending’ Jones daughter of an astronomer who is shot by Russian gangsters. Don’t worry, that he is an astronomer doesn’t matter nor that he is shot by Russian… who are they anyway? Gangsters? Burglars? Again don’t worry that’s just random event number one in what is going to be a tiring journey through the plot equivalent of chaos theory. Jupiter cleans toilets and her mother – originally a mathematician we are told, has now become a drudge and her Russian family have happily become semi-racist stereotypes. She’s not happy cleaning toilets and has decided to raise money selling her ovaries so that she can buy a golden telescope because her father was an astronomer – oh so it is important, an astronomer by the way who spends his time peering through the telescope in the middle of a city or in the living room. But don’t worry by random chance all her DNA is exactly the same of the old Queen of the Universe and so she is now hunted by the Queen’s children – including silly Eddie Redmayne – to be variously exploited and/or killed. To the rescue comes Channing Tatum as Teen Wolf/Albino/ pixie/Birdman/Starlight Express wannabe. Although not to the rescue because he’s working for one of the siblings. Oh and bees love her, or at least don’t sting her, which you have to say, as a perk for being Queen of the Universe, is pretty modest.

Do you remember that idea of the room full of monkeys with typewriters and infinity typing the complete works of Shakespeare? Well, this is the first draft. It’s nods to other films – Brazil, The Fifth Element, Blade Runner and Attack of the Clones – only make you wish you were watching other films. Yes, even Attack of the Clones. The dialogue is cloth-eared; the humor flat; the characters motivated by stunning dumbness. Jupiter makes you realize how fantastic a character Katniss Everdeen is. Where The Hunger Games is about a young girl becoming a rebel and a fighter, Jupiter is wetter than Dale Arden, endlessly rescued from her own stupid decisions. It’s as if  the Wachowskis are hell bent on giving young women a role model of domestic acquiescence who in the end learns to get up early and clean toilets cheerfully.

When Warner Bros. denied they were burying Jupiter Ascending in February (from a Summer Blockbuster spot), no one really believed them. It’s only a pity they couldn’t have literally buried the film somewhere where it wouldn’t have been found.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

EWAN MCGREGOR ‘SECOND COMING OF CHRIST’

HOLLYWOOD – Following his recent ordination into the Catholic church (CLICK HERE to read more), Ewan McGregor has been fast tracked from priest to actual messiah.

The former Pillow Book star, Ewan McGregor was revealed to be the Second Coming of Christ during the filming of his new film Last Days in the Desert.

Co-star Ciaran Hinds told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY of how the final Revelation was revealed:

Everyone on the shoot was touched by what they saw. At first I thought Ewan was employing the method, he was sermonizing and talking in parables constantly – though a lot of it was about motorcycles – but then when the catering truck didn’t turn up on the seventh day, Ewan found a can of tuna and some crackers and somehow managed to whip up enough food to feed everyone. There weren’t five thousand, but still it was both impressive and delicious.

Although some have doubted the veracity of the miracles attributed to Ewan McGregor, Pope Francis himself seems to be convinced. Speaking at the Vatican, he told a delegation from Scotland:

In my opinion, Father Ewan McGregor has very many similarities with Jesus Christ. Jesus, you’ll remember, was crucified and died for our sins, but then on the third day he rose again. Ewan McGregor appeared in Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith, but now he has made yet another film, rising in a very literal/metaphorical way from the dead. Coincidence? This pope [pointing at himself with both thumbs] don’t think so.

The Last Days in the Desert will be released later in 2015 and Father Ewan will be hearing confession from three o’clock on Sunday.

 

ALEC GUINNESS’ GHOST HAUNTS GEORGE LUCAS

SAN FRANSCICO – An emotional George Lucas admitted today the real reason for selling the Star Wars franchise to Disney: ‘I’ve been haunted by the ghost of Alec Guinness.’

The Howard the Duck director added that the haunting began shortly after the release of Attack of the Clones.

‘He would hover over my shoulder and in that clear British accent he would deliver the crudest insults and chip away at my self-confidence,’ Lucas sobbed. ‘Even when I was with other people, he’d appear at my shoulder dressed as Obi Wan Kenobi and he’d just say “You’re shit, you’re shit, you’re shit” until it all became one word.’

Lucas at first suspected that the ghost was an illusion created by disgruntled employees at ILM but Ewan McGregor had also experienced the haunting. ‘At first I was terrified,’ the Scottish ‘actor’ famed for his inexplicable ability to choose poor scripts said. ‘But then it just got boring. Alec was always having a go at my accent. He’d mutter, “sounds nothing like me” even when I was doing a scene.’

Lucas finally gave up and sold Star Wars to Disney earlier this year. ‘He still haunts me,’ says Lucas. ‘But he’s much less offensive and he even said some kind things about Red Tails.’

Ewan McGregor has since become a priest.

GEORGE LUCAS RECANTS: PREQUEL NEGATIVES TO BE DESTROYED

HOLLYWOOD – In a remarkable change of heart, George Lucas published a statement this morning disavowing the Star Wars prequels and promising that the negatives will not only be destroyed but ‘every memory of them will be wiped from human memory’.

The statement that was issued from the Skywalker ranch this morning reads:

Several years ago, I began along a course of action which I have come to regret. I supposed it started with the Ewoks. I don’t know. I had created a popular Science Fiction film and then another, and finally there was Return of the Jedi, which had some good bits. At this stage in my career I felt I was done. I couldn’t think of anything else to do but take baths in the money that rolled in from Hasbro. But then I got really bored and some people started to say “Hey why don’t you make some more of them Star Wars films?” And so I thought why not? But the sad fact of the matter was any chops I had in the story telling game were as dead as a duck called Howard. I suspected it was all going wrong but the same people who had told me to do it in the first place would just greet every idea I had with like “Genius genius” even if it was shit biscuits. Even I hated Jar Jar Binks, but Stevie Spielberg was like “this is hilarious”. Last night I had a moment of clarity: it was all rubbish, all of it. And so I will use the full power of my wealth to buy back every DVD, BluRay and film print in existence of Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith and we’ll all get drunk and then burn them. It will be fucking excellent. 

 Lucas concludes:

All I can say is I’m really sorry and I hope everyone will forgive but most of all forget. I will not rest content until the memory of the prequels is utterly wiped away.

Red Tails & Broomsticks is due for release in 2016.