PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.
The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’
And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.
The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:
France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.
Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.
The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.