FRENCH FILMS TO BE IN ENGLISH FROM NOW ON

PARIS – It has been decided by the European Union that all French films will now be made in English in order to avoid ‘critical bias’.

The ruling came after years of complaints that, as Swiss critic Xavier Poulis argues, a lot of French ‘films were getting a free ride from Anglophone critics who go ga-ga over the Je ne sais quoi.’

And it’s not just the French films that get a free ride. The actors as well are considered amazing just because they can speak French. Look at Vincent Cassel. He’s got a face like a builder’s elbow. If that guy came from Des Moines, he’d be lucky to get a job as Heavy no. 5 in Walker Texas Ranger. But he has a French accent, and he speaks French so he has a long film career and marries Monica Bellucci. It just isn’t fair.

The judge in the European Court which brought the decision issued a statement saying:

France has a proud tradition of beautiful cinema from the nouvelle vague to Gerard Depardieu, but now a lot of it is frankly toilette and by having the films produced in English we will more readily discern this.

Although there have been some muted protests from the French artistic community, it is understood that the more commercially minded French film makers actually support the law. Luc Besson, Gasper Noé and Francois Ozon all blew that beguilingly irritating raspberry that translates as ‘whatever’.

The law will go into immediate effect and the first French film to be effected will be Asterix and the Large Teutonic Tube, due for release in 2016.
  

5 MORE FILMS ABOUT YVES SAINT LAURENT

PARIS – There will be five more films on the subject of iconic fashion designer Yves Saint Laurent in the next six months.

Two films came out in 2014 – Yves Saint Laurent directed by Jalil Lespert and Saint Laurent by Betrand Bonello – covering the biography of the man who wore glasses and made a lot of clothes. It is unclear in what order the films will be released but the titles are as follows:

YSL: We can expect a glossy period piece from Olivier Assayas, who insists that his film will take in the designers political activities in the late sixties. It will also be the shortest  at only 23 minutes in length.

The Fabulous World of Yves: a whimsical fairytale version of the designer comes from the vision of Jean Pierre Jeunet, as the designer (Dominique Pinon) makes a series of gadget laden designs 

C*NT: Shock director Gaspar Noé’s film is set to concentrate on torture, sexual perversion and murder with a magisterial Vincent Cassel as the animal murdering fashionista.

Yves: Having recently expressed their desire to make more glamorous material, Belgian directors the Dardennes Brothers abandon their social realist principles for this glossy take on haut couture starring Adrien Brody.

Asterix and the Saint Laurent Collection: The return of everyone’s favourite potion glugging Gaul sees, Asterix teaming up with Yves Saint Laurent to fight the Romans (Valentino).