JEREMY IRONS FINISHES SUCKING THE BOILED SWEET HE STARTED SUCKING IN 1976

LONDON – News came in today that Jeremy Irons has finally finished sucking the hard boiled sweet (candy) that he began sucking in 1976.

The Reversal of Fortune and Dead Ringers star Jeremy Irons was today celebrating having finally finished sucking a boiled sweet that he began in 1976.

It was my Aunt Agatha who offered me the sweet. I think it was a barley sugar. I began to suck it like you do any sweet for the sweetness, the flavor, the fun, but my word the blighter was a stayer.

Throughout the 1980s Jeremy Irons saw his career take off with such films as The Mission and The French Lieutenant’s Woman despite the fact that he was still having to speak around the resistant confectionery in his mouth.

In a way I think it actually helped me become the actor I am today. It gave my voice a distinctive timbre and when I was making Dead Ringers I was playing two identical twin brothers, so when I was playing Beverly I would put the sweet in my left cheek and when I was playing Elliot I would swap.

On several occasions Irons sought medical advice and doctors were adamant that the sweet could be simply removed by spitting it out. Several indeed advised such a course of action, warning of a choking hazard, especially when the latest actor to take on the role of Alfred the butler slept.

I listened carefully to the advice and of course there were concerns, but in the end I felt it would have been a failing in me if I had got rid of it. That would have been the easy way out and  yet a betrayal of everything I stand for, and care for. Aunt Agatha passed away in 1989 and I was so happy that when she went she knew that I was still sucking the sweet.

However, early this morning, while Jeremy Irons was doing his 30 minute Pilates routine, it suddenly became apparent that something momentous had occurred.

The sweet at this stage had become almost wafer thin and I could stick it to the roof of my mouth very easily, when I was brushing my teeth or eating. I went with my tongue to unstick it but it wasn’t there anymore. Either I’d swallowed it or, and I like to believe this to be the case, it had dissolved completely.

Jeremy Irons is next to be seen in Assassin’s Creed.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER’S ASSASSIN’S CREED PHOTO CAUSES ALARM

HOLLYWOOD – A new image of Michael Fassbender in Assassin’s Creed has leaked onto the internet and caused widespread consternation among fans of the game.

The film version of Assassin’s Creed directed by Justin Kurzel and starring Michael Fassbender is eagerly awaited by fans of the Ubisoft open world stealth game. However, the first image to be released onto the internet shows Fassbender as the iconic assassin but clearly wearing a pair of what appears to be boxing shorts. Already fans had been shook by the release of Creed earlier this year, starring Sylvester Stallone and Michael B. Jordan which many gamers believed was an abhorrent betrayal of the original game (for that story Click Here). Top ‘Creeder’ Jose Pentacle told the Studio Exec:

Frankly we’re getting tired of being jerked around. We know that there was a boxing movie in the seventies that featured a character called Apollo Creed. We get it. But that should have nothing to do with the movie version of Assassin’s Creed. I’m not naive. The movie business is a business whose primary aim is to make money.So I’m sure if they can combine these two properties they will, but I also want to be clear that the Assassins who have been fighting the Knight Templar for centuries will not lie down and allow some big shot Hollywood producer desecrate what is a very important video game.

Director Justin Kurzel responded to the criticisms by issuing the following statement:

My interest in the Assassin’s Creed universe is  the same as any other fan. I want to bring to life a story that we have all been living, all been writing for years now. I will do everything to remain true to the source material and the spirit of that material. Michael Fassbender is also a dedicated actor who is fully committed to bringing the Count of Monte Fisto to the screen in all his glory.

Assassin’s Creed will be released in 2016.

MICHAEL FASSBENDER DROPS OUT OF CREED

HOLLYWOOD – Michael Fassbender has dropped out of Rocky spin off Creed [Click Here for the original story], due to artistic differences.

Michael Fassbender or the Counselor (as he prefers to be known) explained that his involvement in the boxing film – which follows the fortunes of Apollo Creed’s grandson – was actually a mistake.

I thought it was video game spin off Assassin’s Creed but I’d simply gone in the wrong door. Everyone was so nice and polite, but it was clear they weren’t expecting me and when I shot my first opponent with an arrow the director Ryan [Coogler] called me over and said there had been a communication breakdown.

Coogler said that Fassbender’s commitment to the part was uncanny and everyone has denied that this has anything whatsoever to do with race. ‘Michael is half German, half Irish, which is basically black,’ Ryan explained exclusively to the Studio Exec.

Michael Fassbender will be replaced by Fruitvale Station star Michael B. Jordan.

Creed will be released in 2015.