HOLLYWOOD – Actor, humanitarian and NOT a Canadian David Duchovny spoke exclusively to The Studio Exec of his pain today in discovering that he had grown a man’s face exactly where his asshole should be.
The Californication and X Files star spoke about an ’18 month ordeal’, which has resulted in a limit to his sex life and an inability to sit down comfortably for more than fifteen minutes.
“You can imagine how difficult it is to drive anywhere, let alone take a flight,” said Duchovny.
It started out like a mole, a little pimple really. Nothing more. But then as time went by it grew and grew and there were hairs and teeth, nose, chin, lips and it began to speak after a while.
Nothing worth listening to. Just endless complaints. “It’s dark. Scratch my nose! What the hell have you been eating?” That sort of thing. Late at night we’d have some long conversations, but even then I realised that my ass was trying subtly to undermine me.
Just making comments. Criticisms. My ass is really passive aggressive. “Do what you like,” he’d say, but I knew what he meant. And then during sex – and I used to have a lot of sex – anyway during sex, he’d start shouting “Giddy up” and “Hi Ho Silver” or singing songs from Les Misérables.
Is there a cure?
No. It can be treated, but not cured. I don’t actually want to do anything. I am giving this interview today because I want to bring to people’s attention this problem. Over 534,00 men every year have a human face growing where their asshole should be. And that’s just in Los Angeles.
So what does the future hold?
Well, it turns out that my ass has a wonderful singing voice, so we’re currently recording and as we’re both huge fans of Nick Cave, we are going to be releasing a Nick Cave tribute album very soon.
David Duchovny’s ass’ debut album The Mercy Seat will be released next month on iTunes.