JUSTIN BIEBER TO PLAY SON OF THE TERMINATOR

It has been confirmed this morning that pretty boy pop star Justin Bieber is to play Arnold Schwarzenegger’s love child in James Cameron’s Terminator & Son.

I’ve been working on the script for ten years and as soon as I finishAvatar 26, we’ll begin pre-production” said a businesslike Cameron.

An illegal copy of the screenplay was released on the Web and immediately removed but online gamer Paul Foot was one of the few who managed to sneak a peak.

It’s pretty amazing,“ said a vitamin D deficient Foot.

It turns out that Sarah Connor and the Terminator had a brief sexual encounter in a deleted scene from Judgement Day. When Connor is killed trying to blow up Google Headquarters; her child Billy Skynet (Bieber) is sent to live with the Terminator who has retired from being a murderous time travelling cyborg and is currently running a successful scrap metal business in Delaware. From then on it becomes a gritty domestic drama about the relationship between father and son. The Terminator wants Billy to take over the family business but all he want to do is assassinate people.

Schwarzenegger has been tight lipped about his role but his agent Chuck Flake claims Arnie is taking this one seriously.

I’ve never seen him so committed “ said Flake. “He turned  a cameo down in Argo 2: Lost Luggage because he wanted to make sure he was properly prepared. I know it’s early days but I’m convinced this is the role that will finally secure him his long awaited Oscar.”


Terminator & Son is due for release in 2015

STUDIO USES TIME MACHINE FOR 2013 RELEASES

Studio Exec learned today that the heads of the major studios have been toying with forces more powerful than any man control, namely time travel. It was a almost midnight at the parking lot when the souped up Delorean was wheeled out. A script scout was given the thumbs up and off he went to somewhere int he mid-eighties. He would return what seemed like seconds later but for him had been little over a month and with him he had a script for Die Hard 5, starring Bruce Willis; a development deal for Bullet in the Head directed by Walter Hill and starring Sylvester Stallone; and even a movie about an old sheriff called The Last Stand, and ‘starring’ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
‘Admittedly, it’s an unconventional way of getting product,’ said one of the studio chiefs, sheepishly. ‘But do you know how hard it is to think of new ideas. I mean, it literally hurts.’
News comes after Disney CEO Bill Iger announced the studio’s intention of limiting creative ideas to an absolute minimum. ‘We chose JJJJ Abrams because we thought the less people involved in these films the better. We want everything to be the same and nothing to be truly original or decent.’
What do you think of the eighties revival? Ghostbusters 3 or a load of old Goonies? Feel free to leave comments.

DANNY BOYLE’S ‘REGICIDE’ IN PRE-PRODUCTION

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news that director Danny Boyle turned down the offer of a Knighthood; we talked to the Mancunian director about his latest project ‘Regicide’ and why he chose to omit his name from the new years honours list.


Danny. You’re one of few individuals to turn down the offer of a Knighthood. What led you to make such a monumental decision?

Well it’s bollocks isn’t it.

What is?

Everything. The title, the calling people Sir. Some over privileged pensioner wearing a priceless crown bothering you with a sword. It’s absolute bollocks.

But some people regard it as being the ultimate accolade.

Yeah. People who talk bollocks who don’t have any bollocks.

You’re renown for your Marxist politics and yet some other notable left-wingers such as Salman Rushdie and Helen Mirren gladly accepted the honour.

Rushdie’s all mouth and no bollocks and Mirren used to have the bollocks but all she has these days is a lovely pair of top bollocks. She played the Queen I mean, what a load of old bollocks that was.

Moving on. Your new film Regicide is due to start shooting in February. What can we expect?

It’s about a robot from the future who goes back in time to assassinate every monarch in British history.

Interesting. Who is playing the lead?

Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Why Arnie?

He’s the bollocks.



Regicide is due for release in 2012.

NRA DEMAND REMAKE OF KINDERGARTEN COP

Wayne La Pierre












DALLAS – The National Rifle Association today issued a call for the 1990 Ivan Reitman ‘comedy’ Kindergarten Cop to be remade, ‘but this time with many more guns.’ The original film featured Arnold Schwarzenegger as tough cop John Kimble who has to go undercover in a kindergarten for some reason or other, with ‘hilarious’ results ensuing, plus lessons being learnt.

The NRA published its demand for Hollywood to step up to the plate after a few days earlier its call for a Chuck Norris in ever classroom fell on deaf ears (click here for that story). Industry expert Pullton Pulliver said that the chances of a Kindergarten Cop remake are fairly slim: ‘Film makers are more likely to try and take guns out of their films rather than put them in. But aside from Wayne La Pierre, who really wants to see another Ivan Reitman/Arnold Schwarzenegger comedy?’

SCHWARZENEGGER OFFERS TO DO ANYBODY WHO NEEDS BEING DONE

SAN DIEGO – Arnold Schwarzenegger has offered ‘to do anybody who needs being done’ in an attempt to repair his image.

In a statement issued earlier today the former Governator of California stated:

I feel I have made some mistakes and hurt a lot of people’s feelings,’ said . ‘I thought my book where I brag about doing people left, right and centre would put things to right. You have to remember I come from a culture of vanity, sexual prowess and physical athleticism. In a word, Austria. So it is hard for me to readjust to California having only been here for forty odd years.

For some it has been his extra-marital affairs but for others, it was his claim to have done San Diego ‘pretty much in its entirety’ (Click here to read more). However, to make amends Arnold Schwarzengger has offered to ‘do anyone who wishes to be done’ (over 18 and consenting).

Some people have said that I am a vulgar muscle head and I have a wurstel which is out of control. Others have snidely remarked that Viagra takes me to stay up and at it, but these aspersions are like the water off the asshole of a duck if you get my meaning. I am a sophisticated and generous man and I am willing to do anyone, man, or woman, who feels like their very own Oktober Fest. I might add that I am a sensitive lover, but no kissing because of the horrible cooties. 

Keep a careful watch on @studioexec1 for more on this story as it oozes.

ARNIE DID SAN DIEGO: SHOCK REVELATION

 

SAN DIEGO – Following on from his earlier revelations of sexual shenanigans, including a raunchy affair with Brigitte Nielsen, Arnold Schwarzenegger former California Governor and Predator and Jingle all the Way star admitted to having ‘done’ much of San Diego.

‘There were perhaps one or two neighbourhoods I missed but I’m pretty sure I did more or less everyone who it was legal to do,’ said Arnie, who has kicked back and let loose with the secrets in his forthcoming memoir Total Recall. ‘I worked on a grid system so I wouldn’t miss anyone.’

Ask why he was so irresistible to men and women, the multi-millionaire body builder and action movie superstar looks baffled, ‘I don’t know. The accent perhaps?’
 
Conan the Destroyer – as he likes to be known – is currently back on our screens in The Expendables 2 and has a whole slate of films lined up including Triplets which he is hoping will give him a chance to get it on with his co-star Danny DeVito. ‘I have a lot of affectionate memories of Danny,’ Arnie said.
 
When asked to respond to the claims DeVito said that Arnie is a fantasist. ‘I love Arnie but I’m happily married and I’m from New Jersey,’ the Taxi star assured Studio Exec. ‘We certainly didn’t Jingle all the way.’