5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ARMOND WHITE

NEW YORK – The New York critical fraternity were in uproar last night following Armond White‘s jeering of Steve McQueen as he received an award from New York Film Critics Circle last night for his film 12 Years a Slave.

Mr. White – formerly a chair of the association – called McQueen ‘a garbageman and an embarrassing doorman’. But who is Armond White? And what are the FACTS!

1. Armond White doesn’t believe a single word that he says or commits to print.

2. Armond White denies that Stanley Kubrick wore a beard in his later years, claiming that his hairline was incredibly low and he had a bald patch where his mouth, nose and eyes were.

3. Armond White believes Grown Ups 2 to be better than Tarkovsky, Kieslowski, Kurosawa ‘and any other motorcycle you care to name.’

4. Armond White has a succubus that lives in his armpit and is made only happy by provoking leering attention and contrariness, otherwise it bites him.

5. Armond White secretly wishes he had made 12 Years a Slave and has spent quite a lot of time since drunk and weeping.

For more FACTS click here

ARMAGEDDON PREQUEL: ‘LOOKS DULL’

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited prequel of Michael Bay’s Armageddon has received an overwhelming thumbs down from the first test screenings Studio Exec has learned from inside sources.

The film, provisionally entitled The Rise of Armageddon, stars a cast of unknowns, including Mark Wahlberg as a young Billy Bob Thornton, Orlando Bloom as a young Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep as a young Liv Tyler, and Matt Damon as a young Ben Affleck. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and with a Hans Zimmer score, the studio hoped that the prequel would match the original which was the highest grossing motion picture of 1998, pissing on The Thin Red Line money wise from a height.  So what went wrong?

Below are some audience reactions with test score:

Alan Dunn(Chicago, Illinois):

DON’T GET IT. HARRY STAMPER AND HIS YOUNG PROTEGE A.J. DRILL UNDERWATER AND THE SCIENTIST DOES PAPERWORK. WTF? 2/10

Josie Perte (Austin, Texas): 

Why is the furniture moving? Oh that’s Mark Wahlberg and Orlando Bloom! Ha ha ha ha ha! 3/10

Monica Simons (San Francisco, California):

Nothing really happens. They just lead fairly normal lives. Then occasionally we see an asteroid but it’s too far away to be detected. And then some scientists at NASA say ‘Are there any asteroids heading towards the Earth?’ and another scientist checks like a machine and then he says, ‘No’ and then we’re back to drilling. 2/10  

Armond White (New York):

A work of absolute genius. Only Bay could have the audacity to take such a bold concept and run with it. Eschewing his usual vitality and car chases, and allowing only a tinge of his perfectly weighted homophobia and adolescent misogyny to seep in, Bay takes on the mantle of our generation’s Samuel Beckett. 20/10

Mannie Cloud (Tampa, Florida):

What’s Mark Wahlberg doing in front of the camera? Isn’t he an executive producerer or something?  1/10

SPIKE LEE HOSTS NEW REVIEW SHOW

Spike Lee is going to take a break from directing films to host his own review show for Fox called: I Already Know it’s Bullshit. The format of the show will be similar to the classic formula of Siskel and Ebert with Lee and an invited guest reviewing new releases every week and giving them the thumbs up or thumbs down and providing viewers with a helpful guide on where to spend their entertainment dollars this weekend. 
Mr Lee said in a statement today:

Course I won’t be making the mistake a lot of so called critics make of actually going and seeing the goddam movie. I ain’t got time for that. Nor the inclination. I mean I’m a film maker. If I can’t tell what a movie is like from the poster and what I already think of the director and just you know stuff people say, then I ought to give it up.

Here are some of Spike’s first reviews from the début show, presented with Armond White.

The Life of Pi: 
Spike: ‘This is racist bullshit. What we’re doing is exploiting that skinny Indian kid waiting for him to get eaten by that tiger.’
Armond: ‘Transformers 3 is better’ 

Zero Dark Thirty:
Spike: ‘Jessica Chastain might be a fine looking lady but this is obviously going to be the same bullcrap from the usual testosterone fuelled white Hollywood male world view.’
Armond: ‘Ghost Rider 2: The Spirit of Vengeance was a finer dissection of the post 9/11 Zeitgeist ‘   

Django Unchained:
Spike: ‘Are you fucking kidding me?’
Armond: ‘Quentin Tarantino is not black.’