WATCHING MICHAEL BAY FILMS DOES NOT CAUSE CANCER

LONDON – A report in the British Medical journal Lancet has concluded that protracted viewing of Michael Bay movies does not cause cancer, despite fears to the contrary.

The study was prompted by an article printed three years ago in The Daily Mail (the British version of The National Enquirer) that claimed on merely anecdotal evidence that many people who died of cancer had also at some point in their lives watched a Michael Bay movie and calling for a rigorous investigation into whether there might be a link. Or not. 

The study – which was carried out by the University of East Anglia – involved seventy subjects who were given a daily diet of Michael Bay. Dr Hercules What said today:

We started them off with Bad Boys then Armageddon and took it all the way through to Transformers: Dark of the Moon and Transformers: Age of Extinction then loop them back. After two years the number of tumors was in line with another sample which had not been exposed to Mr Bay’s ouvre.

Daily Mail journalist Tinkerton Hart however has questioned the study:

What Dr What fails to mention in his report is that of the seventy people in his study seventeen have committed suicide, eight ran away screaming and the remaining number are riddled with gout, some of them having lapsed into what is rather cruelly referred to as a vegetative state. 

Michael Bay himself was unavailable for comment as he is still being questioned about his recent invasion of Vietnam.

MY FAVORITE FILM: MICHAEL BAY

I know this is going to surprise some of you – hell, it surprised me – but my all time favorite film has to be Tokyo Story by the Japanese master of cinema Yasujiro Ozu. I saw this film when I was fifteen years old and it totally blew my mind. 

A retired couple come to Tokyo to spend some time with their children, though their kids are too busy to spend much time with them. The exception is their widowed daughter-in-law, who treats them with consideration and respect. The story is sleight (it’s actually based on an American film funnily enough) but the performances are beautifully done, the framing is exquisite with Ozu creating a series of magic boxes to pry into and the quiet power of the film is touching beyond words.

When I was working on Transformers 2 and I was in some trouble, I sat down and re-watched Tokyo Story. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this before I make every film I’ve made: Armageddon, Pearl Harbor and Bad Boys II. It’s a terrible mistake. I watch it and I weep for hours afterwards, in the shower, with the water on full blast, fully clothed. I scream until my voice is hoarse and then when I’m exhausted and there’s nothing more I can do, I clean up, go out to the set and carry on making the cinematic equivalent of diarrehtic faeces, happy in the knowledge that no one will ever compare my films to Tokyo Story.  

MICHAEL BAY DOES NOT APOLOGIZE ‘FOR HIS ENTIRE EXISTENCE’

HOLLYWOOD – Pain and Gain and Armageddon director, Michael Bay today issued a note on his blog clarifying that he does not wish to apologize ‘for his entire existence’, after an interview in the Miami Herald appeared to suggest that he did.

The original piece read:

This handsome tan reporter leaned back nonplussed at the endless nonsense this hack director was saying. He decided to try one more time. ‘So Mr Bay, do you have any regrets?’ ‘No.’ ‘Are you sure?’ Bay suddenly burst into tears, followed by the bellowing sound of a man in grief, animal heartbroken grief: ‘I APOLOGIZE FOR MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE!’ he screamed. ‘Thank you, Mr. Bay,’ this reporter murmured. ‘I think that’ll be all.’

Mr. Bay responded in a note published earlier today.

One press writer has gone too far in reporting false information. He has printed the bare minimum of my statement which in effect have twisted my words and meaning. I’m not in the slightest going to apologize for my existence. On the red carpet for Pain & Gain some reporters asked me what are you apologizing for, and I said what on earth are you talking about?

What I clearly said to the reporter, is I wish I had never been born, I wish my mother and father had never met. I wish that the scum filled atrocities that I have inflicted on the world via my films – and I’m thinking particularly of the Transformers films and The Island – had never been made. I look in my heart and I see nothing there but emptiness and hatred for my own existence, which I attempt to compensate for by my love of machinery and hot women who won’t threaten me with mind stuff. But am I going to apologize for it? No. F*ck you! This is Hollywood baby. We’re all like this. 

Pain and Gain is released and there’s nothing anyone can do about that.

ARMAGEDDON PREQUEL: ‘LOOKS DULL’

HOLLYWOOD – The long awaited prequel of Michael Bay’s Armageddon has received an overwhelming thumbs down from the first test screenings Studio Exec has learned from inside sources.

The film, provisionally entitled The Rise of Armageddon, stars a cast of unknowns, including Mark Wahlberg as a young Billy Bob Thornton, Orlando Bloom as a young Bruce Willis, Meryl Streep as a young Liv Tyler, and Matt Damon as a young Ben Affleck. Produced by Jerry Bruckheimer and with a Hans Zimmer score, the studio hoped that the prequel would match the original which was the highest grossing motion picture of 1998, pissing on The Thin Red Line money wise from a height.  So what went wrong?

Below are some audience reactions with test score:

Alan Dunn(Chicago, Illinois):

DON’T GET IT. HARRY STAMPER AND HIS YOUNG PROTEGE A.J. DRILL UNDERWATER AND THE SCIENTIST DOES PAPERWORK. WTF? 2/10

Josie Perte (Austin, Texas): 

Why is the furniture moving? Oh that’s Mark Wahlberg and Orlando Bloom! Ha ha ha ha ha! 3/10

Monica Simons (San Francisco, California):

Nothing really happens. They just lead fairly normal lives. Then occasionally we see an asteroid but it’s too far away to be detected. And then some scientists at NASA say ‘Are there any asteroids heading towards the Earth?’ and another scientist checks like a machine and then he says, ‘No’ and then we’re back to drilling. 2/10  

Armond White (New York):

A work of absolute genius. Only Bay could have the audacity to take such a bold concept and run with it. Eschewing his usual vitality and car chases, and allowing only a tinge of his perfectly weighted homophobia and adolescent misogyny to seep in, Bay takes on the mantle of our generation’s Samuel Beckett. 20/10

Mannie Cloud (Tampa, Florida):

What’s Mark Wahlberg doing in front of the camera? Isn’t he an executive producerer or something?  1/10

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 16: BEN AFFLECK

MALIBU – Ben Affleck bounces into the breakfast bar of the Hilton and glances around at the assembled diners before passing through the room stopping to shakes hands and say hello to each and every one.

He calls each one by name and asks after their kids, pets, or various skin diseases. One would think he was trying to win an election, but no, this is just Ben – Big Ben as he prefers to be known – the man who once called himself ‘the Next Sean Penn, but with J-Lo and he had… I want to say Madonna?’

So Fleckers! You’re in a buoyant mood. What gives?

Am I? I suppose I am. No reason. Oh could I have the grapefruit and just a a slice of whole meal bread lightly toasted with unsalted butter. 

The waiter smiles and Affleck tells him to Ar-go fuck yourself. The whole room bursts into applause. Ben jerks up right and suddenly starts thanking his father, mother, Matt Damon, George Clooney for believing in him, before catching himself and sitting down again.

Sorry. Force of habit. Where were we? 

You seem happy. 

I cannot lie it has been a good year. But I can’t take all the credit. George Clooney believed in me and the scriptwriter Chris Terrio, God knows how he dreams up these stories. It’s just like the most incredible imagination.

It was based on a true story.

Get the fuck out of here.

It was.

You’re shitting me. Seriously. Wow! I mean wow. 

Just then breakfast arrives and Ben busies himself with the business end of the toast.

I suppose that’s what all those questions were about. Now it all makes sense. Well, there you go. Wait a minute does that mean… was Pearl Harbor also … was that based…

On a true story, yes.

Motherfucker! Really? Christ, and there’s me thinking how clever these writers are and they’re just copying this shit down from like life. 

That’s an art in itself.

Yeah right. What about Armageddon? No, but seriously, was Armageddon a true story?

No that was a made up story. 

I knew that one. Michael Bay. Now there’s a genius for making shit up. Oh wait. Ben picks up his phone and speed dials Michael Bay. Hey Mike. Got a thought for you Armageddon 2 put this line in: Ar-ma gedding out of here!  Yeah right.

What did he say?

He told me to go fuck myself.

Ar-go fuck yourself?
Ben looked at me with tears in his eyes.
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘Just go fuck yourself.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

TOP FIVE END OF WORLD MOVIES

Nice weather for it

HOLLYWOOD – To celebrate the imminent end of days as predicted by idiots Studio Exec offers this definitive (I suppose) guide to end of world movies. Enjoy it while it lasts.


5. I am Legend

Billiam Smith furrows his brow and looks all serious because he’s surviving in New York and having to fight horribly unrealistic CGI vampire zombie stuff because brain box Nanny McPhee tried to cure cancer and accidentally (oops) destroyed the world’s population. Smith is having the time of his life tooling around New York in a sports car (no traffic), hunting gazelles, playing golf off of aircraft carriers and claiming Legend: The Greatest Hits is the best Bob Marley album ever. Wife and sprog happily dead, Smithster only gets truly miffed when his dog is rather unfairly bitten and he has to do as Hitler did and kill his own dog. See also A Boy and his Dog, Last Man on Earth and Omega Man.

4.  Armageddon

Who knows? This film had Ben Affleck in it and was directed by Michael Bay, which is Latin for don’t go and see this fucking movie. Arwen turns up. That’s all I know.


3. The Road

Aragorn and the boy with the vampire friend wander around Canada and the outskirts of Detroit while trees fall down around them. There are cannibals about as well, but everything turns out okay when Mike from Neighbors turns up with his Ikea family and (good news) he’s brought a dog. This film is exactly 1 minute 45 seconds too long.


2. Take Shelter

Under rated work of immense interest. Michael Shannon plays a troubled father who is plagued by visions of the end of the world. Is he struggling with a descent into delusion, or is he a prophet foreseeing a genuine apocalypse. Films about the end of the world do seem to have trouble ending, other than that, recommended.


1. Dr Strangelove

Masterpiece of comic darkness and arguably Kubrick’s best film. Peter Sellers is at his best playing the American president (with a slight Gene Wilder accent though sans hair), a British RAF officer and the titular ex-Nazi scientist. The world not only ends but is utterly deserving of it, given the madness and venality of all involved. You’ll laugh but by God it’ll hurt.