EXCLUSIVE PIC OF BRAD PITT AND MARION COTILLARD’S LOVE CHILD

HOLLYWOOD – Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard have a secret love child, the Studio Exec was able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal today.

Short weeks after the announcement of the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt, it has been revealed today that Pitt and Allied-co-star Marion Cotillard have a child together. Nothing at all is known about the child except that it is definitely the child of Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt and that they seem to be very happy. The Studio Exec learned that the couple have been desperate to keep the existence of the child an absolute secret, even going so far as to dress up in 1940s style clothing as a way of disguising themselves whenever they go outside with the baby.

Suspicions were first aroused when a video emerged on the internet earlier this week purporting to be the ‘trailer’ of a new movie by Roger Zemeckis called ‘Allied’. Expert Luffey McGivens spoke to the Studio Exec:

We’ve seen this move before and although it might be effective I have to say it isn’t very classy. What happens is you invent a movie as a cover for a secret. In the case of the Iran hostage crisis it was a science fiction film called Argo, here it’s a war thriller called Allied. Always with the letter ‘A’ notice.  No doubt Ben Affleck will direct a movie about it in twenty year’s time. And we’re supposed to fall for it!?

Allied will be released later in 2016.

BEN AFFLECK RETIRES AS AN ACTOR TO CONCENTRATE ON BEING A MEME

HOLLYWOOD – Actor and film director Ben Affleck announced today that he was giving up acting and directing in order to pursue an alternate career as an internet meme.

Argo director and Batman v Superman star, Ben Affleck today announced his retirement from the movie business so that he can concentrate fully on being an internet meme. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY with the Studio Exec, Ben had this to say:

It’s f*cking crazy man. I spent years putting together Good Will Hunting with Matt Damon. Writing the script, going to meetings. Years. And the same with Argo. It took so much time. And even the acting jobs look easy but the mornings are early, the nights are late, it’s difficult and Zach Snyder shouts in your ear hole all the time. Making Batman v Superman, I had months of washing Snyder’s spittle out of my f*cking hair. It’s f*cking disgusting. And then every dip sh*t with a blog just pisses on you and sh*ts on you from a height. So what’s the f*cking point?

I don’t….

Yeah, exactly. Stupid ass biscuits! And then something odd happened. All of a sudden everyone was talking about me and sharing videos of me. It’s called a mem Exec. A f*cking meme. All I have to do is look sad during some interview and all of a sudden boom. I’m everywhere. No work, literally zero.

So that interview with Bill Simmons…?

Goddamned right. That’s gonna be a meme too, you see! It’ll be all over the place. And you want to know an advantage of that.

What?

You can do it drunk.

That’s great.

F*cking A!

Ben Affleck will next be seen in Ben Affleck Walks Around a Park without Trousers.

BEN AFFLECK OWNS SLAVES, SONY HACK REVEALS

HOLLYWOOD  -Batman star and Argo director Ben Affleck is a slave owner, hacked Sony emails leaked by Wikileaks revealed today.

Ben Affleck (42) revealed his concern about owning slaves when a PBS television show Finding Your Roots, hosted by Professor Henry Louis Gates, uncovered evidence that he was a slave owner, even though slavery had been abolished in 1865 by the thirteenth amendment of the constitution. The emails between the show’s producer and the presenter reveal that Affleck was uncomfortable with the information tarnishing his image. The email reads:

While reviewing the evidence of his ancestors, Affleck said that he didn’t see anything wrong with slave owning and he owned a few himself. As soon as he said it he clapped his hand over his mouth and went quite red. I probed as to whether this was a joke or something. He laughed uncomfortably and said that his slaves were well treated but people wouldn’t understand that the director of Argo would keep slaves and might think badly of him. ‘I’m already getting enough sh*t as it is playing Batman,’ he said.

Hollywood slave owning is nothing new. Steven Spielberg had a large slave plantation in the 1970s and a few months ago Happy Days actor and director Ron Howard was discovered to own an illegal mime farm. Although it is unlikely that Ben Affleck will face criminal charges for the slave owning, there is a chance that his chances of a Best Actor nomination for Batman will be adversely affected.

Batman V. Superman will be released in 2016.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL STEALS BEN AFFLECK’S ACTING BEARD

HOLLYWOOD – ‘Actor’ Jake Gyllenhaal was arrested today following accusations that he had stolen Ben Affleck’s best acting beard.

The beard – which was thought by many to be responsible for Affleck’s Oscar triumph in Argo some years ago – had gone missing from the night stand by Affleck’s bed nine months ago. Fingers had immediately pointed at Jennifer Garner who many believed had been wearing it somewhere on her person in an attempt for Oscar recognition in her supporting role in Dallas Buyers Club, something she has vehemently denied. 

Suspicion then alighted on Gyllenhaal after Hugh Jackman told the press that ‘blinky’ [as he prefers to call Gyllenhaal] had loaned him a beard while they were filming Prisoners, but wouldn’t tell him from whence it came. Police were finally alerted on seeing Enemy in which Gyllenhaal wears not one but two beards! Gyllenhaal’s lawyers have denied he stole the chin herbage and has never even been to Hawaii. 

The case looks set to go to trial in August. 

IRON MAN ACTION FIGURES ‘IN POOR TASTE’

HOLLYWOOD -Iron Man 3 – due for release sometime in 2013 – is already kicking up a storm of controversy with the issuing of a set of action figures depicting the main characters of the Marvel film franchise starring Robert Downey Jr. as Tony Stark, a black guy (Terrence Howard or Don Cheadle, whoever’s cheaper) and Gwyneth Paltrow as a woman.

Hasbro first displayed the figures earlier this year at Toy Fair, but a spokesperson for the company said they had been planned for some time.

However, an article in The New Left State Review has lambasted the tie-in product. Prof. Stem Reasurgh of the University of Colorado writes that the ‘exploitation of this period in our history for purely commercial gain is a national disgrace.’ He continues:

Tony Stark loses everything including his really nice house and HQ and he has to somehow come back from the depths in order to battle the wicked Mandarin. And remember this is a man who was kidnapped by terrorists in Somewhere-over-there-istan. He hasn’t even got a heart and yet he still fights to protect the world from Loki and stuff. And this man’s plight, his enormous sacrifices are trivialized by what is essentially a toy.

However, Hasbro has responded to the criticisms in a baffled press release:

We don’t understand why action figures for a comic book franchise should be controversial. After all, we’ve done figures for all the movies and no one has complained until now.

The criticism comes after similar controversies surrounding the merchandising of Argo and Django Unchained (for more on those stories CLICK HERE), leading to the question should all action figures and toy related merchandise be banned and the death penalty be used as a deterrent? What do you think? Please leave your brain droppings in the comment box below.

MASSIVE OSCARS UPSET

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight the Academy for Motion Sickness and Something Something caused massive controversy and consternation in the Hollywood world by not doing anything in the least bit surprising.

The brilliant TV movie Argo won best picture; Daniel Day-Lewis won for best ACTOR; Amour won for best no honestly film is an art form and not just a commercial venture; Christoph Waltz for not being a Nazi and instead being a white Martin Luther King and Jennifer Lawrence won because last time she won something her dress fell off.

Life of Pi won for best visual effects, which was especially nice since the people who were responsible for those effects have all since been fired: ‘We couldn’t have done this without the people now outside protesting’. Adele won for Best Song; Anne Hathaway for discouraging girls to go on crash diets; Ang Lee for best director (which he is, but not for this film); Tarantino for best screenplay, which really should have been best two thirds of a screenplay. How we wish wish there was a category for best script editor. Searching for Sugarman, deservedly won Best Documentary although like many, maybe I’m not qualified to judge as it was the only one I’d seen in the category.

In the end one of the triumphs of the night was Seth MacFarlane who proved an astute choice and injected some much needed edge into the proceedings. Sorry we doubted you Seth. Still, Pope Benedict XVI has some really blue material I’ve heard.

To read all of our Oscars coverage CLICK HERE.

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES 16: BEN AFFLECK

MALIBU – Ben Affleck bounces into the breakfast bar of the Hilton and glances around at the assembled diners before passing through the room stopping to shakes hands and say hello to each and every one.

He calls each one by name and asks after their kids, pets, or various skin diseases. One would think he was trying to win an election, but no, this is just Ben – Big Ben as he prefers to be known – the man who once called himself ‘the Next Sean Penn, but with J-Lo and he had… I want to say Madonna?’

So Fleckers! You’re in a buoyant mood. What gives?

Am I? I suppose I am. No reason. Oh could I have the grapefruit and just a a slice of whole meal bread lightly toasted with unsalted butter. 

The waiter smiles and Affleck tells him to Ar-go fuck yourself. The whole room bursts into applause. Ben jerks up right and suddenly starts thanking his father, mother, Matt Damon, George Clooney for believing in him, before catching himself and sitting down again.

Sorry. Force of habit. Where were we? 

You seem happy. 

I cannot lie it has been a good year. But I can’t take all the credit. George Clooney believed in me and the scriptwriter Chris Terrio, God knows how he dreams up these stories. It’s just like the most incredible imagination.

It was based on a true story.

Get the fuck out of here.

It was.

You’re shitting me. Seriously. Wow! I mean wow. 

Just then breakfast arrives and Ben busies himself with the business end of the toast.

I suppose that’s what all those questions were about. Now it all makes sense. Well, there you go. Wait a minute does that mean… was Pearl Harbor also … was that based…

On a true story, yes.

Motherfucker! Really? Christ, and there’s me thinking how clever these writers are and they’re just copying this shit down from like life. 

That’s an art in itself.

Yeah right. What about Armageddon? No, but seriously, was Armageddon a true story?

No that was a made up story. 

I knew that one. Michael Bay. Now there’s a genius for making shit up. Oh wait. Ben picks up his phone and speed dials Michael Bay. Hey Mike. Got a thought for you Armageddon 2 put this line in: Ar-ma gedding out of here!  Yeah right.

What did he say?

He told me to go fuck myself.

Ar-go fuck yourself?
Ben looked at me with tears in his eyes.
‘No,’ he whispered. ‘Just go fuck yourself.’

For all the Breakfasts CLICK HERE.

BERLUSCONI FOR POPE



MILAN – Media Tycoon and former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi has put his hat in the ring to become the new Pope.
Although it looks unlikely that the man who makes Caligula look like a blushing celibate will ever achieve a majority in the Papal conclave, supporters are welcoming his candidacy. ‘At last a we would have a Pope who understands the true meaning of Catholicism,’ said Fabio Brandalise. ‘That is doing whatever the hell you want and then being forgiven on Sunday, or the next elections.’

It now appears that the transfer of Mario Balotelli from Manchester City to AC Milan – a football club owned by Mr. Berlusconi – may have been a way of making him seem holier.
Cardinal Bergnassi however said that a Pope Silvio would be a disaster for the church:

First there’s Movie 43, then Argo wins also those awards and now Berlusconi for Pope? Jesus Christ, it’s like God doesn’t even want us to believe in him any more.   

Berlusconi also owns several film studios and distribution companies which makes this news entirely relevant to a film site such as ours, so there. Before you even start.

Berlusconi’s new film Pretty Little Girl is due for release in 2015.

ARGO IS THE IMDB NUMBER 1 GREATEST FILM OF ALL TIME











LONDON – After last night’s double BAFTA win Ben Affleck’s passport caper Argo shot to the top of the IMDB rankings kicking The Shawshank Redemption from the number one spot.


Warner Brothers spokesman Chester Field told us that whilst everyone involved in the production is pleased with the accolades, the picture’s astounding success still hasn’t quite sunk in.

“Everyone is a little bit in shock if we’re honest,” said a shocked looking Field.

“When Ben showed us the film for the first time we thought. Yeah, this is all right. It’s a good old yarn and I’m sure we’ll make our money back but we never imagined it would be so popular.”

Executive producer George Clooney also declared he was mystified by Argo’s accolades.

“Hell, if I thought it would be up for any awards I would have directed it myself! That’s not saying Ben didn’t do a fine job but it’s not exactly The Master is it?


However Professor Hans Muller, a film history and philosophy lecturer at Harvard University claims he can explain why Argo is sweeping the boards.
“Beards” said a confident Foxton. “For decades the beard was out of fashion because women began dominating the fashion magazines and the pop videos and turning men into hairless girly boys they could boss around. The beard went from being a sign of masculinity to being a sign of laziness and psychosis. Now men are simply throwing off the shackles of three decades of female oppression and shouting to the world I AM A MAN. I HAVE A BEARD!”
However director Danny Boyle thinks there is a more simple explanation for Argo’s success.

“Well it’s all just bollocks isn’t it. You can’t take any of it seriously and anyone who does needs a kick in the bollocks”


ARGO ACTION FIGURES CAUSE CONTROVERSY

HOLLYWOOD – Ben Affleck’s multiple award winning film Argo is at the centre of a row similar to that which recently engulfed Django Unchained.

A company from North Carolina has produced a range of action figures based on the Iranian hostage drama. Some critics such as Xavier Poulis have argued that the commercialization of the film’s subject matter is ‘entirely inappropriate’.

Poulis Switzerland’s leading film expert stated in an article for French culture magazine Chapeau:

This was a terrible time in American history and to give children toys with which to play hostage rescue is unbelievable trite. Little girls and boys should be playing cowboys and Indians and not Hostages and Terrorists.

Ben Affleck who was in London last night to pick up several more awards to put in his bulging award sack said that he thought the idea was great. ‘It’s educational,’ said Good Will Hunting’s dumb pal. ‘And we get 23 percent of the profits. So what’s not to like?’

  

DR DOOM DESTROYS HOLLYWOOD

HOLLYWOOD – America was shocked this morning after super villain Dr Doom destroyed Hollywood in an outrageous dawn attack.

Doom is thought to have used a device of alien origin, possibly the infinity gauntlet, to lay the town to waste and emergency services have been working through the night to put out the fires and tend to the wounded.
 
In the last hour President Barack Obama has given a press conference condemning Doom’s aggression as an “Act of War” and has ordered his military forces to increase their defence readiness to DEFCON 1.
 
The president also confirmed that he had received a letter from Doom a week before which gave a clear indication of his motive and intent. The letter was distributed to all major media outlets and below is an unedited copy of the original document.
 
Dear Barack
 
Thanks for the hamper you sent me at Christmas. I must admit I’ve never been much of a fan of loganberries but the muffins Michelle made were particularly good.
 
I’m writing to you today because I have just seen the Academy award nominations and quite frankly, I’m disgusted.
 
No best picture nomination for The Master, no best supporting nomination for Leo DiCaprio’s terrific turn in Django Unchained. I know the Oscars has dropped a few clangers in it’s time (Goodfellas) and I can usually turn a blind eye; but when I heard ARGO had got the nod for best picture I felt I had no choice but to express my disapproval.
 
I know you don’t really get involved in such matters but if you could ask the Academy to swap ARGO for The Master and Alan Arkin for DiCaprio it would be much appreciated.
 
That’s all for now. I’m looking forward to seeing you, Michelle and the kids in Martha’s Vineyard this summer.
 
Sincerely
 
Dr Doom
P.S Oh. Just to let you know that if it’s not possible to make those changes I requested I’m going to destroy Hollywood. I know, I know it’s a little bit dramatic but I am a super villain. Apologies in advance for any inconvenience this might cause you.
 
When asked why he didn’t take the letter seriously the President said he assumed Doom was “joking” and that he’d “pulled a similar stunt when they were in college together”.
 

We’ll bring you more news on the situation, when we get it.

COEN BROTHERS ATTACK AFFLECK

HOLLYWOOD – The bad boys of middlebrow cinema, the Coen Brothers, launched a scathing attack against Ben Affleck today during an interview with French culture magazine Chapeau.

‘That asshole stole our movie and he’s gonna pay with his nut,’ they said in unison in a The Shining -Danny-come-and-play-with-.us way that they’ve perfected over the years. ‘His film Argo was clearly a rip off of our film and when we get our hands on him he’s gonna be shy a nut. We’re going to take it off with pliers.’

It appears that the Hudsucker Proxies (as they prefer to be known) were labouring under the false impression that Affleck’s Argo was essentially a remake of Fargo. Joel – the more coherent of the two – flew solo on this one:  

Mr Potato Head

Mr. Potato head thinks he can do anything just because he used to dingle Beyonce or someone. Well, he can’t. Remaking our film and then just taking a letter off the beginning of the title to try and throw us has never worked. Look how we fucked up Spielberg after he tried to make Arton Fink. We broke William Friedkin’s arm when he was planning a script Brother, Where Art Thou?

Ethan continued:

We’re only gonna take the one nut, because the other one’s there as an insurance for good behaviour. 

Matt Damon – who is widely believed to be the origin of the rumour – looked shaken and tried to explain himself. ‘I thought the guys would watch the movie, see that it was obviously not Fargo and realise I’d been pulling their leg. What I didn’t realise was how heavily these guys are into crystal meth. They sat through the whole screening facing the wrong direction and basically saw their film against the blank wall opposite the screen.’
  

BEN AFFLECK’S BEST ACTING BEARD ESCAPES

BOSTON – Today Ben Affleck tearfully told reporters that his best acting beard used in Argo and at the end of The Town has escaped.
The Beard made a bid for freedom while Ben Affleck had hung it out to dry having washed it in a preparation of high tension honey and ham juice. ‘It’s what gives it that special sheen,’ the dumb one from Good Will Hunting (as he prefers to be known) said. ‘I had that beard from when it was a mere ‘tash when I was in Shakespeare in Love.’
Mr. Affleck’s new film Argo has been praised for its excellent beard-age and was in line to win recognition from the Academy, with some even proposing that the beard should get a separate category.
‘That performance is 16% Affleck and 97% beard,’ said John J. Mackaloid of the Association of Numeracy Illiterates.
A reward of $27 has been offered for anyone with information leading to the recovery of the beard.