DUBLIN – Stadium rock band U2 have found themselves in the middle of a storm of controversy around their decision to release their new album Songs of Innocence free to iTunes users.
Apple offices were inundated with complaints and message boards filled up the irate rants of mildly irritated people pretending to be enraged.
‘It’s way too expensive,’ commented @chrismartin69.
Although it cost me no money, it has taken up space in my library and it took me three minutes to delete it. Three minutes I’ll never get back.
Bono Vox said that he was surprised by the reaction:
We are universally loved by everyone not only because of our driving rock anthems, but also because of our fluid melodies and charity work. Without us Africa would be a f*cking mess. People should think about that instead of slagging off our poetic lyrics and epic stomping bass lines. And I would add as an addendum if possible, that Edge bought a new hat especially because he was so looking forward to today, and when he saw some of the comments, little tears sprang into his little eyes. Just think about that haters! How can you sleep at night?
U2’s Songs of Innocence is available in… oh wait you already own it.
CUPERTINO, CA – The new iPhone 6 was revealed today at a special presentation at Apple HQ in Cupertino, California and there was a surprise: it’s edible and delicious.
Creating a buzz around what is essentially a corporate event has become the hallmark of the ground-breaking tech giant Apple, and today was no different as CEO Tim Cook took the stage. First of all was a basic run through the large screen and the way the icons switch with a horizontal viewing mode. But the main surprise when Cook suddenly said, ‘You know what I’m famished’ and to audible gasps took a bite out his new phone.
The gasps and shock were replaced by shrieks of bafflement and then hysterical maddened yelling, usually heard on a passenger jet as its engines fail and it plummets towards the ground, followed off by a round of applause as once more Apple’s blue sky thinking won the day. Xavier Poulis Swiss Tech Expert told Studio Exec of his first impressions:
The iPhone is a real advance on the iPhone 5 which frankly you can throw on the ground and stamp on now. Tomorrow morning they’re just so much embarrassing stupid boxes. The iPhone 6 has all the amazing features and functionality and plus it is delicious, with a wide variety, a menu if you will, of wonderful flavours available for download.
So what does it taste of as a default? Apples of course!
More tech news, entertainment, philosophy, the talk of cabbages and kings can be found anywhere on this site www.thestudioexec.com
CUPERTINO, CA – In an attempt to repair some bad publicity, Apple have released a photograph of the Cloud hacked early last week and from which naked ‘selfies’ of hundreds of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence, were ‘untimely ripped’.
A spokesperson for the tech company walked Studio Exec through the photo:
As you can see the Cloud isn’t as big as many people assume. We’ve always believed that size is not particularly important when it comes to security, but perhaps we were wrong. If you look at the image closely, on the far right a little bit of the Cloud has detached and that is a result of the hacking.
We’re trying to reconstruct what happened even now but our latest hypothesis is that hackers went up to the Cloud in helicopters and then lowered each other towards the Cloud using ropes. Here they used ordinary hacksaws to breach the Cloud and snatch the nude pictures. This is totally uncool and we are absolutely bummed here at Apple, but if they were ever to make a movie out of it I think Kathryn Bigelow would be like a rad choice.
Apple have assured its users that a new Cloud is being constructed and all the data and selfies and what not will be rained onto that Cloud and absorbed. They have also confirmed that they have installed a new app which can detect anyone typing the words ‘Jennifer’ and ‘Lawrence’ and ‘nude’ and ‘selfies’ in any particular order and electrocute the typist with like a million volts of electricity. The same will also go for anyone typing Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kirsten Dunst or basically any girl’s name.
For more of this rare quality news just click around the site at random, and tell your friends. If you have any.
HOLLYWOOD – Internet giants Google have launched a new app to go with their Google Glass device which will change the voice in your head when you think to that of actor Morgan Freeman.
A spokesperson for Google said:
The technology has always been there. It was actually developed in the 1960s when they were going to use Julie Andrews singing everything you think against communist spies, political dissidents and Anti-War protesters. The army mothballed the idea over human rights concerns but when we picked up on it we decided the time had come.
How does it work?
It’s quite simple. Your brain is just a series of electrical signals. In a micro-second we record the signals, dub over Mr. Freeman’s voice and then reinsert them with no perceptible lag. You’ll be thinking in golden sonorous tones before long.
Will this actually change the nature of your thoughts?
Ha ha ha. Yes.
We’ve run extensive tests and we’ve found no matter who the subject is young, old, male or female, black or white, they always become incredible wise, a little sad and wistfully humorous. Like they’ve seen enough of the human comedy to allow a certain wry distance between themselves and the shenanigans that surround them.
The Google Morgan Freeman App will only be available as an add on for Google Glass at the moment, although it is widely reported that Apple are developing a similar application with the voice of Liam Neeson, but everyone agrees that at the moment it’s just scaring people with a phrase about him having ‘a particular set of skills’.
LOS ANGELES – Having redefined the word ‘excitement’ with his spectacular Tom Cruise film Oblivion, Joseph Kosinski is returning to the field of his greatest triumph Tron Legacy and talking exclusively to Studio Exec about Tron 3.
We met Kosinski at a mall where he was looking after five dogs of different breeds, and boy were they lively:
I redefined the word ‘excitement’ with Oblivion and with Tron Legacy, I redefined the words ‘Legacy’ and I like to think also ‘Tron’. So with the next one I was thinking what words can I redefine and then I had it. Tron iPad. Sit Bellamy! Cut that out Hernadez!
What’s the film about?
You’re a good boy, Professor Woofles, yes you are! Oh sorry, yes. Our hero Sam Flynn (Garrett Hedlund) is back but Quora (Olivia Wilde) has been kidnapped by Siri (Penelope Cruz) and forced to give out information about local cinema opening times. Flynn has to go into the iPad and negotiate the Apps in order and free the slave army of Chinese workers who – and not a lot of people know this – spend their lives in miserable conditions actually inside the iPad making it working with electrical flashes.
You’re a genius!
I like to think I’ve redefined the word ‘genius’ so that it includes me.
Tron iPad will be released in 2016.
THE THIRD WORLD – Madonna and Angelina Jolie are going to have a no-holds barred adoption battle slam down. Kicking off Monday, the two maniacal matriarchs are going to spend a month zipping about the Third World adopting as many babies as they possibly can.
The one who adopts the most babies will win a specially made jug.
The competition is sponsored by Benetton and is in aid of charity and to raise awareness or something. The two superstars will start from opposite sides of the globe: Madonna will be setting off from Anchorage in Alaska and Angelina Jolie will launch her campaign from Sydney, Australia. The two will then track across the globe, armed only with an entourage, sacks full of money, an overbearing sense of self-righteousness and a scant regard for the feelings of the people in poor countries. Tactics of choice are thought to include bribing local officials or building schools, and extra points will be given for diversity.
Any surplus children are going to be auctioned off to Apple employees.
|Not a tasteless publicity stunt
HOLLYWOOD – John Goodman has confirmed that he will be playing Steve Jobs in Danny Boyle’s forthcoming biopic of the Apple founder and innovator: Jobs.
The Trainspotting director admitted that the choice might appear ‘a little bit left field’, but assured admirers of the famously stick-insect-like computer nerd that ‘John is a great actor and will get to the inner man in a way that will win over even the most sceptical doubters.’
Goodman – who first came to prominence as Rosseanne Barr’s husband – said ‘I’m stoked. The first thing I did when I heard I had the role was go out and have a huge meal. Jesus, I’m so happy, the diet can go hang.’
Asked whether he would be dieting in preparation for the role of the famously slender mogul, Goodman stared fixedly at Studio Exec and said, ‘No. Why would I have to diet? What are you saying? I don’t understand what you mean to say.’
‘But you just said…’
‘I don’t care what I just said. What are you saying?’
Mr Goodman then leaned forward very slowly and quite deliberately slapped me in the face.
Jobs will be released in 2015.