RON HOWARD’S ILLEGAL MIME FARM DISCOVERED

HOLLYWOOD – Rush and Apollo 13 director Ron Howard has been arrested following the discovery at his California ranch of an illegal mime farm.

Over 150 mimes were rescued from what police officers described as ‘inhuman conditions’.

Officer Shelly McReth of the Special Mime Unit told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

You see some pretty disgraceful things in this job, the kind of things you think will harden you, but in all my years of law enforcement and work amongst mimes, this is perhaps the most flagrant and revolting exploitation of mimes I have ever seen. We found fifty mimes crammed into one invisible glass box which at most was only ever supposed to hold twelve.

How did Howard come to capture so many?

We believe that the Happy Days star trapped the mimes by asking them to carry heavy luggage on a windy day, sometimes while being dragged into a net by a gust filled umbrella.

Many neighbors in the area where Howard has his mansion expressed astonishment at the revelations.

This is a really quiet neighborhood. We never noticed anything. But then again, actually it being quiet… well… that probably is understandable now that I think about it.

Why Howard was keeping the mimes, whether it was to sell them to illegal Mexican mime clubs or for his own personal gratification is as yet unclear, but if found guilty of the accusations, Howard could be looking at a fine as high as $240.

As to whether the Howard’s arrest will unduly effect his next project – a biopic based on the life of Marcel Marceau – there is as yet no word.

 

TOM HANKS PLACED UNDER HOUSE ARREST

HOLLYWOOD – The FBI have placed Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks under house arrest for what the agent in charge of the case is calling ‘his own protection.’

The President ordered the action late last night and Tom Hanks has been in lock down since the early hours of this morning.

A spokesperson for the FBI said that protective custody the President himself instructed them after a week of watching Tom Hanks films in the West Wing of the White House.

The agent stated:

The President first voiced concern after watching Castaway and Apollo 13 in a double bill. He said Mr. Hanks was a ‘danger to himself’, always finding it difficult to return home. The President’s estimation of Mr. Hanks had suffered severely after watching Forrest Gump and learning of Mr. Hanks’ involvement in the cow dung that was The Pacific. The Commander-in-Chief was almost enraged by The Terminal, muttering that Hanks ‘couldn’t even get out of an airport’. So it was with great anxiety and trepidation that we screened Captain Phillips, and sure enough… Well, I don’t want to spoil the film.

Gary Busey said that the move was understandable: ‘Hanks plays with fire. It’s his character. But he needs to be protected.’

Mr. Hanks will remain at home until he can prove that he is capable of leaving the house without being shipwrecked, kidnapped, going beyond the dark side of the moon or being shot in France.

Captain Phillips is currently winning the Oscars. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 21. RON HOWARD

LONDON – With a new film in cinemas – the Formula 1 racing thriller Rush – I jumped at the chance to sit down with the Angels and Demons director Ron Howard to discuss this project and his career.

Little did I know that he was on a strict color coordinated diet and worse yet today was a blue day.

So Richie, what first attracted you to Formula 1 as a subject for a film?

I suppose it was simply reading Peter Morgan’s wonderful script. You see we’d worked already on Frost/Nixon and… wait a second.

What?

Did you just call me Richie?

No. 

Okay. I think … where was I?  Oh yeah, the script was really good so I latched onto that. 

When you were directing the actors did you have any difficulties?

No, not at all both Daniel Bruhl and Chris Hemsworth are very talented actors. And extremely professional, though I am sorry to hear that Chris and Miley Cyrus have split up.

I heard that Daniel at one point during the driver’s meeting scene refused to sit on a stool and you had to tell him ‘to sit on it’.

I don’t remember that incident specifically. As I say, there are times a director has to put his foot … oh wait I see what you’re doing.

What?

You’re just…

I heard the schedule was very tight. What was the typical week?

Erm… Well, it was tight as a matter of fact. It was a lot of shooting and a lot of hard work. We’d start Monday…

Tuesday Happy Days!

Oh this is bullshit. I came here to do an interview. And you’re just trying to make a bunch of lame Richie Cunningham references. 

Best work you did Richie.

I made Cinderella Man, Goddam it! And Apollo 13 and Far and Away. The Da Vinci Code… You know now that you think about it Happy Days was a lot of fun. Okay fair enough. Ask away.

Well, actually that’s all we have time for and these Gorgonzola cornflakes are beginning to repeat.

No come back, seriously. I can tell you what Henry Winkler’s really like. And I got a hilarious story about the time Potsie potsied Joanie. Hey…


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