CRITICS LEARN TO SPELL CARA DELEVINGNE

HOLLYWOOD – Critics have spent the whole weekend learning to spell the name of top British supermodel and star of the John Green adaptation Paper Towns Cara Delevingne.

The famous eyebrow model turned actress Cara Delevingne has wowed critics with her stand out performance in the new John Green film Paper Towns, leading a bunch of critics who had been copying and pasting her name to actually sit down and look at it and try to remember how to spell it for themselves.

Justin Chang of Variety spoke to the Studio Exec on condition of complete anonymity:

It was quite difficult at first, and to tell you the truth what would be the point in learning to spell it if Paper Towns proved to be a stinker. But she’s great so I guess that another name in the old memory banks. It only took a couple of hours.

Pete Bradshaw of the UK’s The Guardian found the problem slippery:

The problem is you see, that it is the surname that is difficult. So you concentrate on it and you study it and you spell it out in different colored crayons so that it fixes in what I call my ‘memory palace’. But then I opened the paper this morning to read my review and I found I had written ‘Clara Delevinge’ CLARA!? I felt like a complete pillock!

A.O. Scott of the New York Times said that he had seen it all before:

It was the Gyllenhaals all over again! We have this huge rush to find out how to spell the name and the next thing you know we all know how to spell the name. It really isn’t that hard. After all we are journalists.

Claire Develingser’s Paper Towns is on release.

TERRENCE MALICK: ‘CRITICS, SHUT YOUR HOLES’

A new column by Tree of Life director, Terrence Malick begins with a reply to his critics. 

YO yo yo yo! Motherfckers, Lissen up. Terrence Malick in da Badlands. The Knight of Cups Baby! Tha’s Right. His true self. Gonna lay some goddam TRUTH on yo punk asses. So lissen and LEARN.

Some Bitches been goin round sayin I been doin too many voiceovers and not enough dialogue an’ shit. You goddam assholes better shut yo noise or I’m gonna kick yo sorry asses To the Wonder. You feel me motherfckers? Three Thin Red Lines be coming out three motherfcking bullet holes bro, you don’t stop yo bullshit.

And David Denby of The New Yorker gonna tell me To the Wonder is ‘trivial narcissism’? You lissen up Denby, I’ll introduce you to The New World, The New World of Pain motherfcker!

And Michael O’Sullivan at the Washington Post says the story ‘isn’t compelling’? I’ll compel him up the ass with a Goddam UZI!

And A.O. Scott of The New York Times says the film ‘paves the way to puzzlement, not awe’? Well, you lissen carefully now: you can just shut up. Yeah, I said it.

So pull up the Jagermeisters and sit yo asses down while I lay it out. I do my shit the way I do my shit cos of my keen perception of what Martin Heidegger called Dasein, being that knows it is being, and my hope is to escape that and somehow capture an opening to the actual being in a world of things and how that relates to an openness to God but not a doctrinal and narrow deity, but rather a God grasped in the magic of being and the brief moments – the magic hours – when the perception of this can be most readily achieved, even when it is at its most transitory, motherfckers.

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