DARYL HANNAH’S AMAZON ARMY ‘READY TO ATTACK’

NEW YORK – News came in earlier today that Daryl Hannah – star of such films as Kill Bill Volume 2 and Splash! – has been amassing a private army of Amazonian warriors ready to attack America, overturn the government and implement a Fem-Ocracy. As is almost always the case with stories of this nature, Anne Hathaway has been named as one of her most prized Lieutenants.
Uma Thurman first reported Hannah’s plans to disbelieving reporters during a junket for the concluding Volume of the Kill Bill saga:

I was telling them that Hannah had recruited some of the most famous actress in her army. Jolie was already on board and Megan Fox. Helen Mirren had her own private army for years, but they were considered too radical and anyway her and Dame Judi Dench were British and so had their own agenda.

Thurman’s warnings were met with scepticism even by Four Rooms director Quentin Tarantino.

Sure, she talked to me about it. But I thought she was pitching a film, a film I’d still be interested in doing, by the way, should Daryl still fancy it after the revolution. 

Vanessa Hudgens, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus are all thought to hold key positions. Some have speculated that Hannah’s Amazon army might move first on Russia to free the Pussy Riot group. Others have argued that the whole story comes from a misread email about a Daryl Hannah Box Set ordered from Amazon.

LES MISERABLES AUDIENCE HORRIFIED BY DOUBLE PENETRATION

Lessy Miss. R Balls

LONDON – A special preview audience of the Russell Crowe and Hugh Jackman and Anne Hathaway musical Les Miserables were horrified ‘to their ass hairs’ – as one patron put it – by a hardcore sex scene that was not so much in your face as in their faces. It was soon revealed that the film was actually a hardcore porn film called Lessy Miss. R. Balls.

The incidents follows a similar one in the UK, England, where a cinema full of children, instead of being treated to the horrors of Madagascar 3 had to contend with the comedy of Paranormal Activity 4. In both cases, the cinemas have claimed that a simple glitch was responsible for the mix up. However, a source from deep within the industry – Yankel Mayer – told Studio Exec exclusively that the mix ups were the beginning of a wide spread campaign on behalf of a break off fraction of radical Godardian projectionists who had ‘watched Fight Club once too often.’

‘You’re going to see a lot more hard core and a lot more children’s films being swapped with torture porn,’ said Yankel, salivating at the thought. 
Many patrons complained after having been forced to sit through 90 minutes of orgies and hot sex. Ironically however the studio reported that the score cards were ‘the best we’ve had yet, especially for Huge Jackman’s performance.’

SETH MCFARLANE HIRED TO BE FIRED AND REPLACED WITH BILLY CRYSTAL

HOLLYWOOD – Seth McFarlane creator of Family Guy and The Cleveland Show has been hired by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts for the traditional role of prospective MC who will within a matter of weeks be fired and replaced by Billy Crystal.

The tradition was inaugurated last year when Eddie Murphy was hired to host a show directed by the creative genius and homophobe Brett Ratner. When Mr Ratner’s homophobia proved too edgy for the Academy he was fired. Stalwart Academy favourite Billy Crystal took over, even though Mr Crystal allegedly bought Mr Ratner 1001 Nancy Boys Jibes and Ellen Degeneres Jokes Book as a congratulations present.

James Franco has also claimed that Billy Crystal forced him to blaze up a doobie that was ‘way more powerful to what I’m used to’, thus sabotaging his own turn as host in 2011. His co-host Anne Hathaway offered no such excuse, apparently having ballsed up without any help from the City Slickers star.

When asked why he was so intent on hosting the Oscars, a ceremony he has hosted 9 times already, Billy Crystal laughed until little flecks of spit flew out of his mouth. ‘That’s easy, asshole,’ he said pointing a finger into Studio Exec’s face. ‘It’s the only place I can go where I’m sure of not bumping into Woody Allen.’

Woody Allen and Billy Crystal have been arch enemies since the 1970s, who frequently brawl in public with the diminutive clarinettist usually emerging as the victor.

NICOLE KIDMAN / MEG RYAN FACE SWAP HORROR

HOLLYWOOD – Nicole Kidman and Meg Ryan have swapped faces due to a mix up in Botox injections at a high end Malibu aesthetical correctional facility, Doctor Ralph Inguanos’ Shack.

Soon after the kerfuffle, the two actresses were horrified to find themselves sitting opposite each other at a charity dinner, organised to buy George Clooney more motorcycles. The George Clooney ‘I haven’t got enough motorcycles’ Foundation had just sat down to anitpasti when there was a horrified shriek from the table where the two actresses were sitting.

Sir Ian McKellen – on a nearby table, a cracker half raised to his lips – sat transfixed in horror as he stared at the two women: ‘It was fucking bull shit man,’ recalls Sir Ian. ‘These two wonderful fresh faced women had just become a fucking John Travolta Nic Cage Sci Fi John Woo directed thriller travesty of their former selves. Face off, mothefucker!’

Anne Hathaway, who was also at the lunch, had to be taken to hospital suffering from excessive glee.

Ms. Kidman’s agent Hostel Macalvoy said that the two ladies had agreed to appear in each other’s movie until the effects could be reversed. ‘I already have calls for a Freaky Friday style rom com,’ said Hostel. ‘And let’s face it freakk is the new chic.’

When Harry Met Sally 2 is due for release in 2016.