RUSSELL CROWE TO STAR IN CROCODILE DUNDEE REMAKE

SIDNEY – Favorite Australian comedy Crocodile Dundee is to return with Russell Crowe.

‘That ain’t a remake! This is a remake!’ Crocodile Dundee might have said on hearing the news. Yes, popular Oz comedy from the 1980s is to return with Russell Crowe in the lead role made famous by Paul Hogan. Speaking EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec, everyone’s favorite Gladiator had this to say:

Being Australian, Crocodile Dundee was the best thing ever. Along with Mad Max it was the image that we had managed to project to the world and so I was really stoked when the opportunity to play him came up. Of course, we want to be respectful to the original, but I also think enough time has passed for us to bring something new to the party.

How will you update it?

I really love gross out comedy. Jackass and that sort of stuff. So I want to put as much of that in the film as I can. Have Mick get off his tits on drugs and vomit on a party of nuns, that kind of stuff is hi-fucking-larious mate.

The studio synopsis reads:

A New York reporter Caroline (Anne Hathaway) goes to the outback in Australia in search of a story. Here, she comes across legendary crocodile hunter Mick Dundee (Crowe). Impressed by his exploits, she decides to take him back to New York with her, where Mick finds himself a fish out of water. Or a crocodile out of swamp!

Crocodile Dundee will be released in 2018.

OCEAN’S EIGHT RUINS MAN’S EARLY MIDDLE AGE

ALASKA – The new female led Oceans film – Ocean’s Eight – has ruined a man’s early middle age, it was revealed today.

The 2017 remake of the 2001 remake of the 1960 Frank Sinatra relatively uninspired rat pack movie Ocean’s Eight will star Sandra Bullock in the Danny Ocean role as well as Cate Blanchett, Helena Bonham Carter and Mindy Kalin. Joining the cast will possibly be Rihanna and Anne Hathaway. However, the news has been greeted with despair by some fans of the original remake.

Richard LeComte Mets fan and theatre critic told the Studio Exec:

I was forty three when the original film came out. I remember queuing to see it with my first wife. We both like George Clooney and Brad Pitt for obviously different reasons. And we thought of Matt Damon as that promising young actor from Good Will Hunting and not the monster he has become. So the impact on my middle age can’t be overstated. It was vitally important in making me the man I would become a decade and a half later. And to have that film ruined again. After it was already ruined by Ocean’s 12 and 13 is just more than I can bear. I mean… women. What’s gotten into them?

Ocean’s Eight will be in cinemas in 2017.

JAMES FRANCO AND ANNE HATHAWAY ARRESTED

HOLLYWOOD – James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested today under a charge of attempted abduction.

The two Hollywood actors James Franco and Anne Hathaway have been arrested and charged with attempted kidnapped, after they were discovered early this morning hiding outside Chris Rock’s house with rope, duct tape and a large Persian carpet. Suspicion was raised when an off duty police officer observed the Les Miserables star and her Spider-man 3 accomplice crouching in the bushes outside the grounds of Chris Rock’s house in the Hollywood hills. The pair were apprehended and a back up car was called.

Officer Dibble of the LAPD told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I could hear Anne Hathaway singing under her breath as the two were apparently waiting for the lights to go out in the house. She was singing something about there was a time when men were kind, their voices soft their words inviting.

What was Franco doing? 

He was smoking something that later found out was for his glaucoma.

The two actors shot to fame in 2011 when together they hosted the Academy Awards, alternatively known as the Oscars. Mr. Rock is due to host the ceremony himself and has been apprised of the attempt, but it is unclear as to whether or not he will press charges. The police say they are baffled as to the motive as both Hathaway and Franco are rightly regarded as the best Oscar hosts ever.

The Academy Awards will be broadcast on the 28th of February.

ANNE HATHAWAY LAUNCHES POLITICAL CAREER

WASHINGTON – Anne Hathaway has thrown her hat into the political ring to run for a congressional seat in the 2014 elections with more than one eye on the White House soon after. The speech was to a small Republican caucus but included some stirring oratory which had many reaching for their handkerchiefs.


The speech began with a nostalgic view of the past: “When men were kind, their voices soft, their words inviting.” Quoting Martin Luther King Jr. she claimed to have ‘dreamed a dream in times gone by’, but had recently eschewed progressive politics because of a change in the political culture which had caused her great personal anguish, specifically citing ‘this hell I’m living’. 

It was a nakedly emotional moment that had many in the audience respond to her vulnerability and lack of cynicism. Hathaway went on to warn of ‘Tigers’ whose voices she claimed were ‘as soft as thunder’.  And she specifically criticised unnamed men who would ‘turn your dream to shame.’

Many political commentators remarked that her programme lacked specifics and fell between two stools. Sarah Palin applauded Hathaway for managing to get through the whole speech “without once referring herself to the palm of her hand,” but remarked that she was annoyed at the reference to Paul Ryan as someone who had “taken her Springtime in his stride. Whatever that meant.”

Les Miserables 2 is due for release in 2015

THE ANNE HATHAWAY DIET BOOK PUBLISHED

HOLLYWOOD – Going head to head with Gwyneth Paltrow, Catwoman actress and Oscar winner Anne Hathaway has published her own diet book Eating Nothing, hoping in this way to deal head on with the nation’s obesity problem. 

‘People often ask me how I managed to look so ravaged in Les Miserables and ravishing in The Dark Knight Rises,’ said the Rachel Getting Married star.  ‘So I thought yeah why not let them in on all my little secrets.’

Mixing anecdotes from the world of glitz and parties with nutritional advice and calorie counting recipes, Eating Nothing provides the aspiring waif with a veritable ‘how to…’ guide to transform your whole body into one slender cheekbone.

Here’s an extract from the Book:

Tuesday:

 
Breakfast

Breakfast: 

Start the day well with some light exercise, perhaps a stroll or turning the pages of a large coffee table book and then treat yourself to a glass of cold water. The preparation is simplicity itself. 


Get a glass from the cupboard (a dishwasher will do but be sure and rinse) then carefully measure out a half pint of water from the tap. Drink and enjoy the filling goodness. 


Lunch:

Lunch


After an active morning shopping or reading magazines or playing with cats or just thinking about stuff, you’re going to need a nourishing meal and this light lunch is perfect for the taste buds and won’t be a weight on your mind, or your hips. 


Simply pour a glass of water, about a third of a pint, and then add an ice cube. Be sure and let the ice cube melt completely before tucking in to this healthy meal. 


Dinner:


An evening meal is often a social occasion and a time to reward yourself for a day spent acting your heart out or winning awards. Variety is also important because many of us will abandon a diet if it becomes too boring or restrictive. Therefore enjoy this wonderful feast which is calorie light and easy to prepare! 


Pour half a pint of water in a bowl and put it into a microwave for about eight or nine minutes on full power. When you remove it, serve with a towel. Remember a bowl of hot steam is also perfect for winter evenings.


Dinner


Eating Nothing is available from all good book stores.

ANNE HATHAWAY AND RUSSELL CROWE REUNITE FOR EINSTEIN ON THE BEACH

NEW YORK – After the triumph of Les Miserables last year, Anne Hathaway and Russell Crowe are to join together once more in song – this time without Wolverine – for the modernist opera, Philip Glass’s Einstein on the Beach.

Tom Hooper will once more direct but this time he said he is not insisting the actors all sing live.

That was an experiment and like many experiments, it didn’t work. You still learn something but that’s in the nature of experiments. Philip Glass is our most important contemporary composer, after Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Many think that the repetitive singing style and the musical discipline required to perfrom Glass’s Opera will be a reach for Russell Crowe but Hooper has no such qualms.

I won’t lie. We did change some lyrics. In Knee 1. The lyrics originally read ‘1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8’, so we changed it to ‘1-2-3-4’. With Anne we had no such problems and I think people are going to be amazed by how she’ll win another Oscar.

 Einstein On the Beach will start filming in August.

RENEE ZELLWEGER WILL NOT BE IN INTERSTELLAR

MONTREAL  – Casting news for Christopher Nolan‘s new project Interstellar broke out like a fresh case of web wide hives this week.

Following on from the news that Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway had both finalized their participation, came the shock revelation that Renée Zellweger had been turned down for a role and would not be appearing in the upcoming Science Fiction extravaganza.

Nolan released a statement to the press earlier today stating that:

Usually it would be-hove to me to say something about how I admire the talent of the actress in question and how I look forward to working with her at the earliest opportunity but for this project due to scheduling etc. it just wasn’t possible. However, the truth is I just don’t think she’s very good. 

Many instantly lept to Ms. Zellweger’s defence, including Eva Mendez, who said the director’s comments ‘were graceless, unnecessary and unprofessional.’ Nolan responded that Eva Mendez was ‘rank’ as an actress. When Danny DeVito tried to say something Christopher Nolan turned up at his interview and pushed him over before running away, laughing.

However, he did make Inception.  

HILARY SWANK’S IMMIGRANT HUNT

NEW YORK – Earlier today Showtime announced a new reality show starring Million Dollar Baby star Hilary Swank and entitled The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt.

‘The plan is simple,’ says show runner, Herman Shrinkle. ‘Hilary flies around the Mexican American border in her helicopter until she identifies some illegal immigrant, may be a family of them, and then she takes them down with a high powered rifle.’

Hilary Swank is renowned for her hatred of Human Rights and says she is looking forward to laying down some cruel and unusual punishment on their sub-human asses.

When I grew up we were kind of poor and we had to make a lot of sacrifices and I can imagine if I’d been living in a poorer country wanting to go to a richer one. But I would also have understood that by doing that I was signing a social contract that would allow a beautiful hard body Oscar winning actress to hunt me down and possibly kill me for the entertainment of fat people.

Hilary says that there will be a great deal of variety to the show.

I’ll be initially in the helicopter but we’re also going to shows where I hunt them down on foot clad in a bikini with armed with a Bowie knife. I’ll also have guests such as Steven Seagal and Anne Hathaway who will help me in securing our borders.

 The Hilary Swank Immigrant Hunt starts Friday.

HILARY SWANK: ‘IT’S ALL RIGHT TO SHOOT HOMELESS PEOPLE’

HOLLYWOOD – In another PR blunder, Oscar winner Hilary Swank has told a French fashion magazine that ‘It’s alright to shoot homeless people if you don’t mean to kill them, but just want to, you know, wing them.’

The Million Dollar Baby in person told Valeria Homage, the editor for Parisian based glossie Chapeau, that many Hollywood actresses going on hobo hunting sprees as a way of relieving the tension. ‘Many of us have to watch our figure,’ Swank said. ‘We are constantly pressure and criticized and every word we say, the clothes we wear, all of it is watched and judged. So to help feel better we dress as ninjas and head off to the hobo jungles with some firearms. The game is to … you know … hit an elbow or a kneecap. If you kill one that’s definitely bad taste.’

Private Island

Although Ms. Swank refused to name names, she did say that ‘Bat Girl’ has a private island and ships in homeless people from Eastern Europe that she then hunts in a helicopter using a powerful rifle with telescopic sights. ‘It’s Anne’s way of relaxing,’ Hilary giggles before covering her mouth and coquettishly realizing she might have made a blunder.

Ms. Swank was in trouble in 2012 having performed at a concert for Chechen leader widely famed for his human rights abuses. Rumors that she was paid in human ears have since been proved false. ‘Why would I want to be paid in ears?’ she said. ‘If I wanted an ear, believe me I could get one myself.’

Ms. Hathaway was not available for comment, as she was at her island retreat ‘relaxing’.

XAVIER POULIS: ACADEMY AWARDS FASHIONS: WHO GIVES A SHIT?

Leading Swiss cinema theorist and bon vivant Xavier Poulis casts his weary Alpine eye over events in cinemastan.

The 85th Academy Awards? pffffff! Argo? pffffff! Ang Lee? pffffffff. Life of Pfffffff. Daniel Day-Lewis? Okay, we all like Daniel Day-Lewis, no pfffffff for him. But all the same. Pffffffffff. But I hear you scream at the top of your anglo-lungs ‘WHAT ABOUT THE FASHIONS?’

  • Naomi Watts was wearing a blue dress by Ralph made of bags and the tears of chronically unhappy children. Every dress Ralph makes costs a Chinese child three fingers which the fashion maverick cuts off with a knife to add a frisson of tragedy to each creation.
  • Hey, Jessica Chastain, where are you going with that shovel? She’s going to the 1930s graveyard to dig up a starlet and steal her gown. It’s cheap, ecologically responsible and – except for the whiff of decay – elegant. Bravo!
  • Halle Berry pays tribute to supermarkets everywhere with her beautiful Bar Code dress by Sad Boy, with minglings of stick of rock. Sexy in aisle 12! Ha ha! Pfffffff.
  • Anne Hathaway caused delight and consternation in equal measure when her nipples blinded spectators and her elfin features made Wayne LaPierre of the NRA seriously question his sexuality: ‘I don’t which way to turn’ he whimpered. 
  • Jennifer Lawrence went radical wearing a dress designed by a heterosexual. However she was also victim of a fashion disaster when – on going up to accept her award for something – the dress completely failed to fall off. She managed to cover her blushes by falling over. 
Xavier Poulis walks away
And in conclusion, what do these fashions mean for women shopping in the real world?  Nothing! You are all ugly slaps in the eye, Hobbits all, compared to these goddesses. Hide yourselves! Pffffffff. 

MASSIVE OSCARS UPSET

HOLLYWOOD – Tonight the Academy for Motion Sickness and Something Something caused massive controversy and consternation in the Hollywood world by not doing anything in the least bit surprising.

The brilliant TV movie Argo won best picture; Daniel Day-Lewis won for best ACTOR; Amour won for best no honestly film is an art form and not just a commercial venture; Christoph Waltz for not being a Nazi and instead being a white Martin Luther King and Jennifer Lawrence won because last time she won something her dress fell off.

Life of Pi won for best visual effects, which was especially nice since the people who were responsible for those effects have all since been fired: ‘We couldn’t have done this without the people now outside protesting’. Adele won for Best Song; Anne Hathaway for discouraging girls to go on crash diets; Ang Lee for best director (which he is, but not for this film); Tarantino for best screenplay, which really should have been best two thirds of a screenplay. How we wish wish there was a category for best script editor. Searching for Sugarman, deservedly won Best Documentary although like many, maybe I’m not qualified to judge as it was the only one I’d seen in the category.

In the end one of the triumphs of the night was Seth MacFarlane who proved an astute choice and injected some much needed edge into the proceedings. Sorry we doubted you Seth. Still, Pope Benedict XVI has some really blue material I’ve heard.

To read all of our Oscars coverage CLICK HERE.

2013: JESSICA CHASTAIN WILL NOT BE IN THREE FILMS

It was announced today that there will be three films released in the calendar year of 2013 which will not feature Jessica Chastain but the identity of the films is being kept a strict secret for fear of damaging their commercial prospects. The red headed actress is currently at the top of the box office charts with torture fun in Zero Dark Thirty and horror drama Mama.

Jessica Chastain (left and right)

Some have claimed that there have already been a series of films in which La Chastain has played parts which have then been credited to other actresses. According to Oscar Boheme, it was Chastain and not Hathaway who took the Dukan diet and dreamt a dream in a recent award winning hit. ‘In Lawlessthere’s a scene with Tom Hardy and Jessica Chastain, but if you freeze frame it, you can see quite clearly that she is in fact playing both the roles,’ said Mr. Boheme.

Some actress have criticised Chastain. Gwyneth Paltrow said, ‘She hasn’t even tried to write a cook book.  What’s the point in that?’
Of course now with her chameleon like reputation secure, there is a danger that directors will claim to have cast Chastain when they have not. The rumour that Sam Mendes was spreading that she had played the villain in Skyfall is most likely not true. 

Les Misérables: REVIEW














It takes a minute before you realise they are going to be singing the whole way through and you consider faking a heart attack so you’ll be spirited away from the auditorium by a kindly paramedic. By the time you’ve reached for your chest you’ve been sucked in by Jackman’s prowess and when Hathaway sings ‘I have a dream’; which is easily one of the most majestic performances in living memory. Your spine is tingling and you’re sucking on your Coca Cola sobbing like a peasant girl on her plague riddled mothers teat. Sure Russell Crowe looks like a human teddy bear and he’s about as evil as a pocketful of rainbows but still you’re lapping it up and begging for more. 

Then it all goes horribly wrong. There’s a love story between a bunch of people you don’t care about who like shooting soldiers behind cardboard. You cry “ More Jean Valjean, more Jean Valjean!” but your pleas fall on deaf ears. You try and plough through it but the constant assault of tedious songs forces your body to slip into a self-induced coma in order to protect itself. By the time the usher arouses you with smelling salts it’s all got so preposterous you just wish Jackman would strip of his shirt and run towards the army slashing them to pieces with his adamantium claws. 

It all looks great. It’s well directed, well shot, well acted and Jackman and Hathaway are colossal but if a turd is covered in chocolate, It’s still a turd and unfortunately halfway through the story disintegrates into mush.