DAN BROWN WAS INVENTED BY THE ROSCICRUCIANS

HOLLYWOOD – Reports claim novelist and author of The Da Vinci Code and Inferno Dan Brown does not actually exist.

Dan Brown is an invention of the Rosicrucians. The novelist, whose books have been turned into the increasingly unsuccessful film series with Tom Hanks, was created sometime in the Middle Ages.

Brown scholar, Abel Fisting told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I first studied Dan Brown at Brown University, which few people realize is actually named after Dan Brown. The Papacy had sunk into a series of scandals in the Middle Ages. There were even rival popes at one point and the general status of the church was at an all time low. The Rosicrucians needed someone to be interested in a church-wide conspiracy that didn’t involve pedophilia and so they invented Dan Brown. He has been around for over seven hundred years, give or take. First he was involved in the Mary Celeste, then the Jack the Ripper murders as well as accidentally sinking the Titanic as ‘a lark’.

And more recently?

He has been publishing these novels which talk about some sort of secret world behind the world. However, the fact is the real conspiracy is the idea that anyone really wants these movies to be made. It only makes sense if you realize that both Tom Hanks and Ron Howard are Rosicrucians.

Really?

I don’t know, they might be.

Inferno is out now.

 

TOM HANKS KILLS YOUNG MEN

HOLLYWOOD – Tom Hanks kills young men.

First, it is with a sense of horror that Studio Exec types these words. But given the incontrovertible photographic evidence and our journalistic principles of only ever publishing FACT, we can do no other. Tom Hanks kills young men and then posts photographs of his crime on the internet.

The Forrest Gump and Captain Phillips star has been hiding in plain sight, it would appear, but motive as yet appears uncertain. The New York Times speculated that it is part of his Oscar campaign, utilizing what psychologists call ‘reverse psychology’, or more accurately ‘ygolohcysp’.

Others believe that anglophone Hanks is trying to ingratiate himself and possible join the British ex-pat exclusive murder club the Jolly Bastards, currently led by Tom Hiddleston.  

In the first photograph, Hanks feigns concern, having poisoned his victim in a wood-paneled den. In the second, however, Hanks abandons all pretense of humanity as the Angels and Demons star gloats over the corpse of the young man.

The Academy award winning actor denies killing the men, saying he lightly poisoned them and one of them has since regained the power of speech, although traumatized.

Saving Mr. Banks is currently in theaters. 

BREAKFAST WITH ASSHOLES: 21. RON HOWARD

LONDON – With a new film in cinemas – the Formula 1 racing thriller Rush – I jumped at the chance to sit down with the Angels and Demons director Ron Howard to discuss this project and his career.

Little did I know that he was on a strict color coordinated diet and worse yet today was a blue day.

So Richie, what first attracted you to Formula 1 as a subject for a film?

I suppose it was simply reading Peter Morgan’s wonderful script. You see we’d worked already on Frost/Nixon and… wait a second.

What?

Did you just call me Richie?

No. 

Okay. I think … where was I?  Oh yeah, the script was really good so I latched onto that. 

When you were directing the actors did you have any difficulties?

No, not at all both Daniel Bruhl and Chris Hemsworth are very talented actors. And extremely professional, though I am sorry to hear that Chris and Miley Cyrus have split up.

I heard that Daniel at one point during the driver’s meeting scene refused to sit on a stool and you had to tell him ‘to sit on it’.

I don’t remember that incident specifically. As I say, there are times a director has to put his foot … oh wait I see what you’re doing.

What?

You’re just…

I heard the schedule was very tight. What was the typical week?

Erm… Well, it was tight as a matter of fact. It was a lot of shooting and a lot of hard work. We’d start Monday…

Tuesday Happy Days!

Oh this is bullshit. I came here to do an interview. And you’re just trying to make a bunch of lame Richie Cunningham references. 

Best work you did Richie.

I made Cinderella Man, Goddam it! And Apollo 13 and Far and Away. The Da Vinci Code… You know now that you think about it Happy Days was a lot of fun. Okay fair enough. Ask away.

Well, actually that’s all we have time for and these Gorgonzola cornflakes are beginning to repeat.

No come back, seriously. I can tell you what Henry Winkler’s really like. And I got a hilarious story about the time Potsie potsied Joanie. Hey…


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EWAN MCGREGOR JOINS PRIESTHOOD

ROME – Ewan McGregor revealed today that in a secret ceremony earlier that week he had taken orders as a Catholic priest.

The 41 year old actor will abandon his family and move into a seminary where he will study for a year before undertaking missionary work, possibly in Africa. Ewan McGregor told the Studio Exec EXCLUSIVELY:

I was never that good an actor. And recently I’ve been unbelievably bad at choosing scripts. When I was doing Angels and Demons – another stinker by the way – Ron Howard said me that I looked great dressed like that. He said the cassock really suited me. And that got me thinking.

But what does Father Ewan think of the Catholic church’s stance on Gay marriage and abortion?

Do they have any stances on those issues? I don’t know about all that. I just love the clothes really. I like the way when I walk down the stone flagged aisles of the church it makes a lovely swishing sound. As for transubstantiation of the Eucharist and the reality of the Holy Ghost, I’ve been acting against green screen for years so I can sell any bullshit.  

 The Impossible will be Fr. Ewan McGregor’s final film.