5 ACTORS WHO MISSED OUT ON THE ROLE OF A LIFETIME

HOLLYWOOD – It’s hard enough to be an actor. Imagine how much harder it is knowing you were THIS CLOSE to that iconic role!

The following actors may have a career now … but they’d be icons had they not been runners-up on some amazing roles.

 


Nedry, JURASSIC PARK. 

Winner: Wayne Knight.    |   Loser: Andy Dick. 

That’s right. Hollywood’s hot mess, Andy Dick, was almost computer nerd Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Andy was the front runner, until he started licking Laura Dern, and sitting inappropriately on prop dinosaur tongues during a call-back.


Jason Bourne, THE BOURNE IDENTITY. 

Winner: Matt Damon.    |   Loser: Gary Busey. 

A fresh-faced (?) Gary Busey was slated to appear in the Bourne franchise. The original script wanted a world-weary, older Bourne looking back on his life, and trying to piece together the conspiracy that made him a killer. Unfortunately, Busey was, at the same time, trying to piece together his own conspiracy and schedules conflicted.


Bruce Wayne, BATMAN. 

Winner: Michael Keaton.    |   Loser: Johnny Depp. 

Tim Burton’s history with Johnny Depp almost had another credit, when Depp was slated to appear as Bruce Wayne. And, that was ultimately the problem. The role required Depp to play both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Depp was so unnerved at the sight of the Batman suit, he’d retreat to corners of the soundstage to “fear pee”, as one PA put it. So, the roll was recast.


Lara Croft, LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER. 

Winner: Angelina Jolie.    |   Loser: Jennifer Aniston. 

Brad Pitt wasn’t the only reason these two actresses don’t get along. Aniston was scheduled to appear as the voluptuous video game star, but at the last moment, Jolie had placed a blood curse on the beleaguered actress, who’s breasts deflated, as a result. The part was taken back from Aniston in favour of Jolie.


Gollum, THE LORD OF THE RINGS. 

Winner: Andy Serkis.    |   Loser: Clint Howard. 

Serkis made history for playing the part of a digitally-created character, but the original plan was to have an actor without visual effects. Clint Howard had a number of outstanding chemistry tests, and won the role. But, the look of him against the backdrop of New Zealand was so unsettling, Peter Jackson decided to go “less realistic” and made the character computer-generated.

For more FACTS click here. 

CASEY AFFLECK TO STAR AS HARVEY WEINSTEIN IN BRETT RATNER MOVIE

HOLLYWOOD – In a bold move, Casey Affleck stars as Harvey Weinstein in Brett Ratner’s new biopic.

A new movie based on the life of Harvey Weinstein will star Casey Affleck. Rush Hour director Brett Ratner had this to say:

We want the film to be as realistic as possible. This is an American tragedy and we need to get to the heart of it. 

Based on a script by Woody Allen and Roman Polanski in their first ever collaboration, the films also stars Mel Gibson and Michael Fassbender. Louis CK is in talks to play Bob Weinstein, Harvey’s brother. Ratner continues:

This is a story that needs telling right. We need to tell it from the inside. I got Bill Cosby to go over a draft of the script for me.

But don’t you think we need the perspective of the women who have spoken out?

Who like?

Asia Argento, Rose McGowan, Angelina Jolie, Ashley Judd, Gwyneth Paltrow? There are about thirty and counting I think. 

We have got a woman’s perspective in there though.

Who?

Lindsay Lohan.

Harvey will be released in 2018.

FARTS OF THE STARS

HOLLYWOOD – Following the Carey Mulligan Fart Off, the question on everyone’s lips is: what do the stars farts smell of? Only Studio Exec has the connections, the nasal hair (for filterage) and the proximity to give the answers you need.

Brad Pitt: Whiffs overpoweringly of Chanel no. 5. Pungent but beguiling. The world becomes black and white and the head aches. Sounds like a dog barking three gardens away.

Winona Ryder: Her air packets are small, delicate and berry scented. Little pip like squeaks can be heard, like a mouse crying for help.

Leonardo di Caprio: Leo’s a vegetarian and his bottom woofs are definitely green. They make a sound not unpleasant and similar to whale song. Leo particularly enjoys farting in the bath.

Lindsay Lohan: Opposite to Leo. No naked flames please. Petro-chemical, Deep Horizon style.

George Clooney: Wheaty with a lingering note of leather and brass. The sound is designed to be easily mistaken for a wry chuckle.

Jennifer Lopez: Whiny.

Tom Cruise: Tom is under the mistaken impression that he never farts because of his complete mental control of the universe but in fact his farts are so powerful (and his body so pixie like and small) that they can physically propel him above Oprah’s sofa.

Nicole Kidman: Primroses and hope. They are absolutely silent. Like the death of a planet.

Gwyneth Paltrow: Sounds like a sea lion mating call and smells like a week-dead horse.

Adam Sandler: Jack and Jill, Bedtime Stories, Big Daddy, That’s My Boy etc.

Michael Caine: Vinegar and sand. Released when you pull his finger.

Angelina Jolie: The funniest farts in Hollywood. They smell of lingerie just bought and sound like a very small man trapped in a box shouting ‘FART, FART’! A real hit at parties.

Johnny Depp: Mr Depp has been known to let off the odd gentleman’s excuse mes. Long droning ship horns that smell of seaweed and Keith Richards solo albums.

Selena Gomez: Almost silent, with the slight hissing, but can knock a pig out at fifty yards. Amnesia ensues so it’s impossible to say what they smell off.

Carey Mulligan: a longevity that allows for character arcs, three act structure and occasionally intermissions.

For more MOVIE FACTS Click Here

EXCLUSIVE PIC OF BRAD PITT AND MARION COTILLARD’S LOVE CHILD

HOLLYWOOD – Brad Pitt and Marion Cotillard have a secret love child, the Studio Exec was able to EXCLUSIVELY reveal today.

Short weeks after the announcement of the divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie-Pitt, it has been revealed today that Pitt and Allied-co-star Marion Cotillard have a child together. Nothing at all is known about the child except that it is definitely the child of Marion Cotillard and Brad Pitt and that they seem to be very happy. The Studio Exec learned that the couple have been desperate to keep the existence of the child an absolute secret, even going so far as to dress up in 1940s style clothing as a way of disguising themselves whenever they go outside with the baby.

Suspicions were first aroused when a video emerged on the internet earlier this week purporting to be the ‘trailer’ of a new movie by Roger Zemeckis called ‘Allied’. Expert Luffey McGivens spoke to the Studio Exec:

We’ve seen this move before and although it might be effective I have to say it isn’t very classy. What happens is you invent a movie as a cover for a secret. In the case of the Iran hostage crisis it was a science fiction film called Argo, here it’s a war thriller called Allied. Always with the letter ‘A’ notice.  No doubt Ben Affleck will direct a movie about it in twenty year’s time. And we’re supposed to fall for it!?

Allied will be released later in 2016.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT BRANGELINA

HOLLYWOOD – Following the news of the break up of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt, we ask what do we really know about Brangelina?

The Studio Exec has delved into the laundry basket of public opinion once more, to uncover the true FACTS about Angelina Jolie Pitt and Brad Pitt. AKA Brangelina.

1 Brangelina are actually two people: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt. Not one person.

2 The name is the conflation of their two first names: Brad and Angelina. By taking the first two/three letters of Brad and morphing them with all or all but one of the letters of Angelina, you get Brangelina though it is still a matter of much debate who the ‘a’ belongs to.

3 They originally got together while filming Mr and Mrs Smith. A film about a couple who unbeknownst to each other are actually assassins who rekindle their marriage by trying to kill each other. I’m not saying anything but the answer might be right in front of your faces.

4 Brangelina does not include George Clooney, although George Clooney does make up one third of Geoddatt, the triumvirate of George Clooney, Brad Pitt and Matt Damon. This trio have not captured the imaginations to the same extent.

5 Jennifer Aniston is a woman who is getting on with her life and has been doing so quite happily for years, but is undoubtedly delighted to be a meme once more.

For more FACTs CLICK HERE.

CHRIS PRATT TO PLAY THE NEW LARA CROFT

HOLLYWOOD – Popular video game heroine from the 1990s Lara Croft originally played by Angelina Jolie is to be revived in a new film of Tomb Raider starring Chris Pratt as the pneumatic adventurer.

Chris Pratt has confirmed that he will be playing Lara Croft in a new film starring the Tomb Raider.

Chris Pratt spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec about the new film:

Initially, Alicia Vikander was tapped to play the role but following the success of the casting of Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One and the girl power Ghostbusters, the filmmakers thought they would go with a revolutionary new choice. Me! I was great in Jurassic World and fantastic in Guardians of the Galaxy and so Lara Croft was like a slam dunk with my affable way.

Director Roar Uthaug told the Studio Exec, ‘We’re really pleased to have Chris. Originally, we were thinking of Daisy Ridley and Alicia Vikander. They’re great, they’re women, and the British accent wouldn’t be a problem, but Chris took a piece of shit like Jurassic World and made that baby fly.’

Lara Croft will be released in 2018.

Image courtesy of @ThePixelFactor.

 

BRAD PITT LOOKS TERRIBLE

PARIS – At a charity event in Paris, reclusive actor Brad Pitt made a rare appearance which has caused ripples of what passes for concern among the celebrity community.

Brad Pitt has long been a sponsor of the charity Medicine Sans Chapeau – or Doctors without Hats – so it was no surprise when he turned up to a charity gala in the heart of Paris to support the group who do sterling bare headed work in many war zones in Switzerland and elsewhere. However, eagle-eyed celebrity watchers were aghast at the physical state of the Seven and Fight Club star.

Marcus deGroot had this to say:

We know that the last few years have been hard for Brad. Fury was okay but we haven’t really seen him out and about and the rumors have gone round that Angelina Jolie is harvesting his blood to feed her ever widening brood. Of course we dismissed such spite as nothing more than bitter piffle. The worst kind, you’ll agree but when he was wheeled in surrouned by large black women we couldn’t believe our eyes. This was not the young buck that Geena Davis had bedded in Thelma and Louise all those years ago. No, this was a dry husk of a man. As if Jolie had planted a man straw in the cranium and sucked out all his vitality soup.

Brad Pitt appeared at the event dressed in a beautiful Armani cardigan and suit with Versace slippers and a Ralph Lauren pair of dentures. Others claimed that the photographic evidence of the event was merely a hastily found still from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, but this could not be confirmed or denied at the time of publication.

Brad Pitt will next appear in Lust of a Vampire.

FIRST IMAGE OF JOHNNY DEPP IN THE INVISIBLE MAN

HOLLYWOOD – Johnny Depp is playing the Invisible Man for a Universal reboot of the classic tale of horror and the Studio Exec has an EXCLUSIVE picture of the star in the new role.

Adding to a long list of iconic roles – Edward Scissorhands, Jack Sparrow, the kid who gets eaten by his bed in Nightmare on Elm Street – Johnny Depp is now to appear in a reboot of the Universal classic and H.G. Wells adaptation The Invisible Man. The original saw, or didn’t see, Claude Rains in the role in a classic 1933 version directed by James Whale and since then such giants as Kevin Bacon and Chevy Chase have taken on the role.

However, this version is going to be a return to the original text and is part of a move on the part of Universal to reboot its rich back catalog of horror classics with Angelina Jolie set to star in Bride of Frankenstein, Tom Cruise in a Mummy remake and Eddie Redmayne to roar into life as The Wolfman.

Johnny Depp spoke briefly with The Studio Exec about his new role:

You know I’ve always been an actor who likes to disappear into his roles, well in this instance I’ll be doing that LITERALLY. HA ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Oh I’ve done myself an injury.

However, the casting has been criticized by some groups claiming that the role should have gone to a genuinely invisible actor.

The Invisible Man will be released in 2017.

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT AMY SCHUMER

HOLLYWOOD – We all know that Amy Schumer is a talented comic and actor and BFF of Hunger Games star Jennifer Lawrence, but what else do we need to know?

The Studio Exec FACT Squad took a small Fantastic Voyage style submarine to find out what is really “Inside Amy Schumer”:

  1. Amy Schumer was born on a small island of the West African coast. Here her father performed experiments on the local animals in an attempt to make them more human. It was his actions and his grisly fate that led H.G. Wells to write “The Island of Doctor Schumer”. When Wells arrived back in his own time, the publisher insisted he change the name to “something more Frenchy”.
  2. Amy Schumer’s big break arrived on the comedy central quiz/reality show ‘Who’s Nuts?’, a contest in which comedians acting crazy are mixed with actually psychotics and a panel of experts have to try and tell the difference. Schumer’s schizophrenia finally paid off and she was on her way to the big time.
  3. Billy Joel is Amy Schumer’s grandfather and whenever Amy has a weekend free she likes to go to one of his concerts and dance on his piano, often bringing friends. This has enraged Billy Joel so much he’s written a song about it. His next single, entitled ‘I hope you break (your freakin’ neck)’.
  4. Trainwreck was inspired by an actual train wreck which took place in India and cost the lives of over fifty people. The script was originally going to be directed by Angelina Jolie Pitt but when Amy Schumer was cast it was decided to change the dialogue, the genre, the setting, the script and the story at which point Angelina Jolie Pitt left the project.
  5. Despite all the evidence to the contrary (click here), Amy Schumer and Jennifer Lawrence sercretly hate each other, but this knowledge is buried in their deepest most secret being so even they don’t know it themselves.

For more FACTS click HERE.

CLICKBAIT: THE MOVIE TO STAR BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH

HOLLYWOOD – Benedict Cumberbatch is the latest star to sign up for Clickbait: the Movie, which combines the Marvel, DC and Star Wars universes featuring the music of One Direction.

The movie – directed by Twin Peaks director David Lynch and Steven Spielberg – is based on a George RR Martin‘s lost book in his Game of Thrones saga. The large cast features Scarlett Johansson, Kristen Stewart, Tom Hiddleston, Lindsay Lohan, Tom Hardy, Johnny Depp, Matthew McConaughey, Angelina Jolie, Michael Fassbender, Christian Bale, Jared Leto, Gywneth Paltrow and Brad Pitt. George Clooney is in talks but Bruce Jenner looks set to take on his role. The official synopsis reads:

Based on the life of Justin Bieber,  Miley Cyrus and the 5 most outrageous facts, you’ve ever heard about anything, Clickbait: the Movie was originally conceived when a twelve year old asked Noam Chomsky and Stephen Hawking what is the meaning of life. You won’t believe what happened next!

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and Rihanna! Facebook and Twitter and Tumblr!

ClickBait: The Movie will be released in 2018.

5 FACTS WE LEARNED FROM THE SONY HACK

HOLLYWOOD – The Sony Hack has brought about many revelations – Angelina Jolie is talentless and studio execs are not politically correct – but what else have we learned?

The Studio Exec FACT squad has launched itself past the rubble of the firewall to find out.

1. In Sony Pictures, The Amazing Spider-Man franchise is considered a punishment detail – a kind of naughty step – where badly behaved executives are sent. In many of the leaked emails, Sony employees are told that ‘if you are not careful you’ll be co-producing The Amazing Spider-Man 3 and 4’.

2.  The new James Bond film will feature a plot in which Daniel Craig’s James Bond wakes up in Christoph Waltz’s Blofeld’s body. Rumors about Waltz being the first Austrian 007 (rumors first reported here), are therefore proven to be kind of true.

3. Michael Fassbender has a big penis and this plays on the minds of male studio execs constantly. Female studio execs also think about it from time to time. Sometimes they think about it in the same way. Sometimes different. One email exchange reads: ‘ What do you think of Michael Fassbender as a possible nemesis for Spider-Man?’ ‘Re: Spider-man nemesis 1. He is already in X-Men and 2. he has a really large penis.’ ‘Re:re: Spider-Man. 1. I didn’t think about that. 2. Jeez I know. It’s like a baby’s arm!’

4. Nobody wants to see Annie, even without paying money.

5. Ralph Macchio is running Sony from a hovercraft base somewhere off the coast of Japan. According to emails to and from Macchio and Amy Pascal and Michael Lynton, Macchio keeps the entire running of the film company under his thumb, using a combination of his sensei wisdom, his martial artist prowess and his flawless knowledge of computer systems. It is thought that Macchio’s old eighties nemesis, Matthew Broderick engineered the whole hack as a way of getting back at the Karate Kid star for rebuffing his advances to remake Freebie and the Bean.

For more Movie FACTS CLICK HERE!  

ANGELINA JOLIE AND BRAD PITT TO MARRY AGAIN NEXT SATURDAY

HOLLYWOOD – Following the huge success of their recent marriage, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have decided to get married next Saturday.

‘Think of it as the sequel,’ said an obviously delighted if slightly dazed Pitt.

Thing is everyone enjoyed it so much I thought why not give it another whirl. Angie was game so we phoned some friends and we’re gonna get to it. Might get married every week if’n the notion takes us. We can marry in different countries and observe different religious rights and what not. Setting up franchises, if you get my meaning.

A beaming Jolie told us that though it was Brad’s idea, she was 100% behind it:

I do love my honey, oh yes I do. And if you think about it, it solves a lot of practical problems like all of our friends who were disappointed not to be best men or maids of honor, well we can rectify that. And I’m gonna make sure that Jennifer Aniston and Gwyneth Paltrow get invitations to all my weddings. That’s right girls, every one.

Full coverage of the weddings will be available EXCLUSIVELY at the Studio Exec.

 

5 FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW ABOUT ANGELINA JOLIE

HOLLYWOOD – With Maleficent out in theatres this weekend, the question on everyone’s lips is who is this Angelina Jolie? Where does she come from and what does she do? Well, the Studio Exec FACT Team have answered the clarion call.

1. Angelina Jolie is/isn’t married to Brad Pitt. She first met Pitt on the hit show Friends where she played Rachel.

2. Jolie in French means ‘pretty’. So in French, Angelina Jolie actually means ‘Pretty Little Angel’.

3. Angelina Jolie once played Lara Croft, a character who initially appeared in a computer game.  A croft is a small plot of land on which sheep are grazed.  Sheep are unfamiliar with the inner workings of computers.

 4. Angelina Jolie’s first breakout role was in the film Girl Interrupted starring Winona Ryder. The two actress got on so well they invented their own private language and use it to this day to speak to each other and share nasty jokes about Jennifer Aniston.  

5. Angelina Jolie’s father is Jon Voigt. They get on great.

For more FACTS click here.

VITALII SEDIUK SLAPS BRAD PITT

HOLLYWOOD – In a successful attempt to gain international media attention, Ukrainian prankster Vitalli Sediuk has slapped Brad Pitt.

The incident occurred at around 7.30 in Los Angeles, when Pitt, accompanying Angelina Jolie, was attending the red carpet opening of her film Malificent.

Sediuk was wrestled to the floor by security personnel and taken into custody by police but not before landing what onlookers described as a girly slap on Mr. Pitt. LAPD issued a statement saying that they regretted the incident:

But rest assured, Mr. Pitt will be invited down to the holding cells where he will be given the option of ‘having a friendly chat’ with Mr. Sediuk while we got out for coffee and cigarettes, if you know what we mean.

This is not the first time the Ukrainian prankster has annoyed the shit out of everyone. He once accepted a Grammy for Adele after crashing the award ceremony. However, things have not always gone Mr. Sediuk’s way, like when  he tried to kiss Will Smith and received an opened handed admonition on personal space from the Fresh Prince. 

Following this latest incident, international leader Vladimir Putin – a huge fan of Moneyball weighed in – telling the New York Times to send Sediuk over to Moscow. ‘He will be doing the piss sitting down for the rest of his life,’ said the Russian premier, who categorically hates all Ukrainians.  

For more news follow @studioexec1 on twitter.