THE NATION OBSERVES THE MATRIX MEMORIAL DAY

HOLLYWOOD – In school rooms, senate houses and post offices across the country a minute’s silence is to be held for the first time in respect and grief for Matrix Memorial Day.

At eleven o’clock this morning, television stations will interrupt their broadcasts, trains and buses will halt by the side of the road and the internet just will be slow working as everyone in America and in many places across the globe bow their heads in sad contemplation and weary meditation, thinking back to the years when The Matrix trilogy was released.

Rep. Ted Billingsgate, who was one of the signatories of the Bill which saw The Matrix Memorial Day signed into law, spoke EXCLUSIVELY to the Studio Exec:

There have been bad films in the past. Some really terrible films. One only has to think of Battlefield Earth, or Meet the Fockers, but what makes The Matrix Trilogy such a trauma for our nation is that the first one was really good. Coming in the same year as The Phantom Menace it salved some of the wounds left fresh by the prequel. There was hope that a new saga would rise from the ashes of the old. And then came The Matrix Reloaded. Oh boy!

Cultural psychologist Peter Ashcroft argues:

Released in 2000, The Matrix Reloaded is widely regarded as more psychologically damaging than the death of a family member. After all, with some of our family we simply don’t get on. In the space it took to watch that film, hopes were dashed and many resorted to alcohol and drug abuse to ease the pain. And the came The Matrix: Revolutions.

It is hoped that Matrix Memorial Day will help many to overcome the deep and bitter memories of those films, but there has been some controversy over the effectiveness of the legislation. Political activist and world famous linguist, Noam Chomsky wrote in a recent article for the New York Times:

It is all very well pausing for a moment in communal thought, stopping our lives and so forth, but I would remind you that the Wachowskis have never faced trial, never been brought to account in any way and although following The Matrix Reloaded there were many well meaning voices declaring, as with one voice, NEVER AGAIN, they have been allowed to make not only Speed Racer but also Cloud Atlas and perhaps most damning of all Jupiter Ascending.

However, despite such voices of dissent regarding the extent of The Matrix Memorial Day, no voice has been raised in defence of the sequels and even the original film has been blamed as ‘an enabler’.

The Matrix Memorial Day will see services across the country and a minute’s silence observed at 11 am, EST.

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW

JUPITER ASCENDING: REVIEW – Jupiter Ascending – directed by the bafflingly employed Wachowksis – is a film that aspires to the grandiose adventure, excitement, well written dialogue, fully fledged characters and kinetic direction of Star Wars 2: Attack of the Clones. And fails.

Mila Kunis plays Jupiter ‘Ascending’ Jones daughter of an astronomer who is shot by Russian gangsters. Don’t worry, that he is an astronomer doesn’t matter nor that he is shot by Russian… who are they anyway? Gangsters? Burglars? Again don’t worry that’s just random event number one in what is going to be a tiring journey through the plot equivalent of chaos theory. Jupiter cleans toilets and her mother – originally a mathematician we are told, has now become a drudge and her Russian family have happily become semi-racist stereotypes. She’s not happy cleaning toilets and has decided to raise money selling her ovaries so that she can buy a golden telescope because her father was an astronomer – oh so it is important, an astronomer by the way who spends his time peering through the telescope in the middle of a city or in the living room. But don’t worry by random chance all her DNA is exactly the same of the old Queen of the Universe and so she is now hunted by the Queen’s children – including silly Eddie Redmayne – to be variously exploited and/or killed. To the rescue comes Channing Tatum as Teen Wolf/Albino/ pixie/Birdman/Starlight Express wannabe. Although not to the rescue because he’s working for one of the siblings. Oh and bees love her, or at least don’t sting her, which you have to say, as a perk for being Queen of the Universe, is pretty modest.

Do you remember that idea of the room full of monkeys with typewriters and infinity typing the complete works of Shakespeare? Well, this is the first draft. It’s nods to other films – Brazil, The Fifth Element, Blade Runner and Attack of the Clones – only make you wish you were watching other films. Yes, even Attack of the Clones. The dialogue is cloth-eared; the humor flat; the characters motivated by stunning dumbness. Jupiter makes you realize how fantastic a character Katniss Everdeen is. Where The Hunger Games is about a young girl becoming a rebel and a fighter, Jupiter is wetter than Dale Arden, endlessly rescued from her own stupid decisions. It’s as if  the Wachowskis are hell bent on giving young women a role model of domestic acquiescence who in the end learns to get up early and clean toilets cheerfully.

When Warner Bros. denied they were burying Jupiter Ascending in February (from a Summer Blockbuster spot), no one really believed them. It’s only a pity they couldn’t have literally buried the film somewhere where it wouldn’t have been found.

For more Reviews CLICK HERE.

CLOUD ATLAS 2 ‘WON’T MAKE ANY SENSE EITHER’

BERLIN – Following on from the massive commercial and critical success of Cloud Atlas a sequel was almost inevitable and so it has proved with the Wachowski siblings and Tom Twyker announcing their follow up Cloud Dictionary to be filmed in 68 different countries over a time span of 5 million years and featuring Tom Hanks in 28 different roles.

Lana Wachowski – credited by many as the brains behind Speed Racer – outlined their plans for the film:

With the original film we were constrained by David Mitchell’s novel which although experimental in structure and broad in scope didn’t really allow for the revolutionary view of cinema we have in mind. With Cloud Dictionary, we look forward to making the intertwining narratives more numerous and the make up less and less realistic.   

Tom Twyker added that ‘the music will once more be the best thing in it. And is really the only reason I agreed to do the film.’ 

Tom Hanks will again star, as will Halle Berry and Hugo Weaving both of whom issued statements saying they’ve been finding it difficult to get work lately. Ben Wishaw however will not reprise his role(s) due to a prior commitment ‘to be in good films.’ 

Cloud Dictionary is due for release in 2015. 

THE WACHOWSKIS TO REMAKE THE FAMOUS FIVE

DORSET – Creators of the Matrix trilogy Andy and Lana Wachowski have signed up to direct an updated version of Enid Blyton’s beloved adventure series The Famous Five.

‘They were our favourite children’s books,’ said a caffeinated Lana.

In many ways everything we have ever written has been inspired by Blyton. There are shades of Uncle Quentin in Morpheus and obvious similarities between our lesbian bondage film Bound and the novel Five go to Billycock Hill. In fact we borrowed so much, we sent a copy of the movie to the Blyton Estate to ask if we should give Enid a writing credit but they never got back to us.

Set in the British county of Dorset during the 1940s, the quintessentially middle class tales of George, Julian, Dick, Anne and Timmy the Dog sold millions of copies up until the 1990s when their popularity began to wane.

It’s understandable that many modern children think the books are twee and old fashioned, [said Andy.] So we’ve taken the basic ingredients and updated them. Kirren Island is now Kirren X, a small planet just beyond the fringes of our solar system. Only the Famous Five, who all have telepathic powers and superhuman strength, know this planet exists and during the school holidays they travel to Kirren in their ginger beer fuelled space buggy in search of adventure. It’s kind of a  futuristic sci-fi version but we’ve retained the spirit of the novels so expect the odd racist reference to blacks and gypsies and an overt disdain of the working classes.

Asked who they had in mind for the coveted roles Lana revealed they have already cast the main characters.

We originally wanted Eddie Murphy to play every role and he was keen to do it  but then somebody pointed out that Murphy was a 52 year old black man and why didn’t we just hire 4 young white actors and a Labrador. It took us time to change our mind set but eventually we brought in Jason Segel, Chris Pratt, Emily Blunt and Katherine Heigl.

The Famous Five is due for release in 2015.